Using a new laser-based method, fossilized dinosaur eggs found in China are estimated to be around 85 million years old. Of course, they were much, much cheaper back then...
President Trump now says he's going to deploy federal troops to Memphis. Hopefully, when they get to go home, they won't have to listen to Mott the Hoople's, "All the Way from Memphis."
Paul Steed, a former executive for the Mars candy company, has pleaded guilty to fraud and tax charges after stealing $28 million from the company. My guess is that he was doing it so he'd have a place to live without payments and not have to worry about working ever again. And, in a way, prison takes care of that.
A survey found sniffling noses is the most annoying sound in the workplace. The people in that survey have obviously never worked with my co-worker, "Flatulent Fred."
Gloves are the top item people are most likely to buy in the wrong size. Although, it worked out for O.J.
100,000 Paris Hilton Mini Beauty Fridges have been recalled due to a potential electrical switch short circuit, which can pose a fire and burn hazard. According to Paris, when the fridges catch fire, "That's hot!"
I do have to say that, after all these years, they never actually developed a safe vaccine for Cooties.
Lotteries really do mess up your thinking. Why is it that I think I'd be fine with winning a billion dollars, but only $50 million wouldn't be worth the risk?
Gas prices in Washington State are the highest in the country. I was going to go down to the big protest over the weekend, but I couldn't afford the gas.
11% of people have topped their pizza with gravy. You people are sick.
Note to self: Never say, "I'd like to try a good 14-year-old", even if you are standing in the single malt Scotch aisle at Total Wine.
Nick Cannon says he ended up with 12 kids as a response to trauma, saying he was 'careless' and 'frivolous'. You'd think that might have occurred six kids in, but that's just me.
The Trump administration says they're getting close to a deal involving TikTok. Apparently, Tik has been sold. Just a few more details to work out on the Tok.
Apple has launched iOS 26, their latest software update, that includes "liquid glass." Not to be confused with liquid gas, which no one wants.
84 percent of Americans are worried that their homes are not clean. I'm not worried. I know!
We were arguing at work about the "tush push" the other day. I said I thought it was fair to use and my co-worker said, "In football, yeah, but not when getting on a crowded elevator!"
So, Jerry has left the ice cream team of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. I'm thinking they should sell the company to Jennifer Anniston and Halle Berry and they could rename the company, Jen and Berry's.
A recent study reveals that the way you walk impacts your mood. Well, I can tell by the way you use your walk, you're a woman's man, no time to talk...
A scientist is claiming that aliens were the ones who started life on earth. I would immediately dismiss this theory, but then I remember one thing: my in-laws.
On the positive side, Jimmy Kimmel will now have time to take up pickleball.
Guests "The Tonight Show" tonight with Jimmy Fallon will include a New York street sweeper and a retired librarian who doesn't have an opinion on anything. Just to play it safe...
The Trump administration says that Jimmy Kimmel's late-night show was removed from TV because of the little-known Joseph Goebbels rule.
If you're average, you'll experience close to 400 paper cuts in your life. It's why I avoid lemon juice at all costs.
12% of women have ended a date prematurely, because the guy swore (used profanity) too much. Well, that f***ing explains a lot.
Giving my friend, Feliks, full credit for this idea: Have Jimmy Kimmel as the host for the season premiere of SNL.
Notes to self:
- Don't throw away the box with the directions until it is 100% put together.
- You are never going to remember to do that later. Do it now.
- Your glasses are on the top of your head.
- Stop spending more money just to get free shipping.
- Never use your phone as a flashlight to look for your phone.
- Wearing headphones does not make your farts silent.
From Facebook:
- I have tasted love and I have tasted alcohol and I highly recommend alcohol.
- I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park. Basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.
- Sometimes I read a text and think, "What a psycho!" Then I hit 'send'.
- Looking back at all my failures and successes in my life, I'm very proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
- Purple is my favorite color. I love it more than red and blue combined.
- 85% of Americans are said to have trouble with math. Thank God I'm part of the other 25%.
- If you're afraid of dying alone, become a bus driver!
- Dating is a great way to realize that dying alone isn't the worst thing that could happen.
- Researchers at Hallmark say they're getting closer to developing a second movie plot.
- Brisket is stupid. 15 hours of labor and gone in less than 5 minutes.
- Anyone want to meet up and just scream? We could get food after.
- That awkward moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it. But it turns out she just dropped an earring and no one else in McDonald's can hear the music on your AirPods.
- How do you measure the weight of a red hot chili pepper? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
- My goal is to tick off at least one person a day. So far, I'm 3 years, 6 months and 27 days ahead of schedule.
- Yesterday, I saw a book that was titled, "How to solve half of your problems." So I bought two!
- You may not be able to please all of the people all of the time, but offending all of them at the same time is a surprisingly achievable goal!
- I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Don't buy it.
- Security at every level at the airport is insane until you get down to baggage claim. Then, it's like "take whatever you want!"
- I bought my wife a matching bag and belt for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum working again in no time!
- Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise party.
- My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because, in the future, there will be autocorrect and that, I am eternally grapefruit.
- I can't believe people don't eat the crust. It's part of the food. It's fantastic, even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon.
- If people make you sick, maybe you're not cooking them long enough.
- Me every day: Trying to figure out what I last bumped into. I call it "bruise clues."
- My obituary will probably include "he had the kind of smile that could light up a whole psych ward."
- My favorite part of fall is when the mosquitoes all go back to hell!
- If you think you're having a bad day, just remember: The Vienna Airport actually has a desk dedicated to people who landed in Austria that were trying to get to Australia.
- I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
- Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
- I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
- I'm not saying we should skip work, drink margaritas and eat chips and salsa all day...but I'm also not NOT saying that.
- I seriously need a speed bump between my brain and my mouth.
- When I look in the mirror and see gray hair, wrinkles and dimming eyes, I think, "Boy, they sure don't make mirrors like they used to."
- I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and nobody knew what kale was.
- I still like to make handwritten lists. That gives me something to visualize when I'm at the store and realize I forgot the list.
- We all have that one friend who would take a bullet for us. They're also usually the reason we're getting shot at in the first place, so it all balances out.
- All my childhood punishments have become my adult goals: eating vegetables, staying home, taking a nap and going to bed early.
- A new study says that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. Thus, proving the old adage, in one ear and out the udder.
- I miss that part of 2020 when it was illegal for anyone to come near me.
- Every time I come home, my dog comes at me like he's hoping we finally nail the lift from Dirty Dancing.
- There are some people who don't like me because of the things I say. Imagine how they'd feel about me if they knew what I was thinking!
- Who needs Prince Charming? I just need those forest animals that know how to clean my house!
- Of all the utensils invented to eat rice... how did two sticks win?
- Killing them with kindness is taking longer than I expected.
- You don't need to be crazy to be my friend. I will train you.
- Mashed potatoes are just Irish Guacamole.
- I just finished reading a book about frogs. I found it ribbiting.
- I hate when I'm talking to myself and I realize I wasn't listening and have to start all over again.
- My body is just a filter. Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.
- The Weight Watchers website just asked if I accept cookies. Is that trick question?
- If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.
- I love being over 50. I learn something new every day. However, I forget 5 others.
- Boss: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
- A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "5 beers, please!"
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR CHILDREN'S BOOKS OF ALL TIME
- The Very Hungry Caterpillar That Ate Children
- Charlie and the iPhone Factory
- Charlotte's Website
- Green Eggs and Salmonella
- Harry Potter and the Clogged Toilet
TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR BROADWAY SHOWS
- The new one based on croquet, "Wicket!"
- The Book of Moron
- Moulin Noogies
- Hamilton Beach
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone
TOP FIVE QUESTIONS SCIENCE CANNOT ANSWER
- Why do noses run and feet smell?
- How can we trust atoms if they make up everything?
- Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
- Do strippers in the Southern Hemisphere spin the opposite direction around the pole?
- If Pi never ends, why is there world hunger?
SUPERMAN'S TOP FIVE PET PEEVES
- Kryptonite Whoopie Cushions
- Lex Luther's Podcast, "Evil-licious"
- Finding out his cape is dry-clean only
- Lois Lane's new "Only Fans" account
- Aquaman's constant use of those annoying fish emojis
Laugh a little, would ya?
