According to a new survey, one in three of us wouldn't marry our spouse today. Like I'm going to share this with her....
Of course I wouldn't marry her today. Spend all that money on a wedding when we're already married?
The experts are reminding us that, with the upcoming cicada super brood coming up, that the bugs are safe to eat for both you and your pets. Two words come to mind: you first.
Prince Harry has cut his ties with the U.K. and now calls the U.S. home. I don't remember voting on this...
Maybe it's just me, but when I think of "tortured poets," I think of those people trying to rhyme a word with "orange." Door hinge?
A 69-year-old man in Australia has set a new Guinness World Record of visiting 120 pubs to order drinks in 24 hours. We all have our dreams...
I would have liked to listen to the Allman brothers, but I'm allergic to Allmans.
So you know: If you need someone to be quiet, I will take your hush money and be quiet. Just putting that out there.
It was 60 years ago this week that the attraction, "It's a Small World After All" debuted at the New York World's Fair. I can sing the song for you, if you don't remember...
They say the cartels are experimenting with drone deliveries. I mean, how lazy are the drug lords getting?
To me, a Power Lunch is when I'm at a buffet and no one is counting my trips back.
According to a new survey, only 37% of Americans think they'll reach their retirement goal. I don't know about you, but my only retirement goal is to somehow, some day, retire.
That moment when you reach down to put on a pair of readers and then realize you're already wearing a pair.
A new study claims that "old age" begins at age 75. I had no idea I was so ahead of my time!
According to another new study, Americans' IQ's have dropped for the first time, ever. Whatever that means...
Me: There are no stupid questions. Friend: Are you sure? Me: That's a stupid question.
I was really excited about the NFL Draft, but then I found out it wasn't a beer.
Scientists say that the planet Uranus may be filled with more methane gas than previously expected. An expedition is planned for 2030, where astronauts will attempt to find the planet's finger and pull it.
Reggie Bush is getting his Heisman Trophy back, after it was taken away for being paid while he was in college, before getting paid to be a college athlete was cool.
The Denver Broncos have their first new uniforms since 1999. I'm no expert, but I don't think uniforms have been the problem.
66% of 1,005 surveyed parents said that parenthood often leaves them feeling isolated and lonely. Of course, back when I was raising kids, we used the word, "No." Quite powerful, actually.
April is Distracted Drivers Awareness Month and...oh, look! Squirrel!
I just realized that most of the shirts in my closet are polo shirts and I don't play.
Reggie Bush is getting his Heisman Trophy back. Now, if we can just get Lou rock to return all those bases he stole...
Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys says he questions Taylor Swift's popularity, as she just released her 12th album and there are no break out hits. Most Swifties responded with, "Pet Shop who?"
An Ohio company is selling a flame-throwing robot dog, all yours for just under $10,000.
- My guess is, you'll never receive another piece of mail again.
- If it speaks, I'm guessing it'll be programmed to say, "No, YOU fetch the stick!"
- What could possibly go wrong? I'm sure there's a rather lengthy list.
- Yeah, but think of all the batteries you'd have to constantly pick up in the yard.
From Facebook:
- A marriage is made up of two people who both swear the other one snores.
- Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!
- On 4/19, I hope you remembered to leave out milk and cookies for Willie Nelson!
- I have a couple of sock puppets if anyone is interested in taking them off my hands.
- When I was little, I didn't care what clothes I wore. My parents chose. When I look back at old photos, I now realize they didn't care either.
- You think you can hurt my feelings? I'm an overthinker, I hurt my own feelings.
- Arguing with me is pointless. I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.
- Today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again.
- The retirement age needs to be lowered to 40. I've had enough!
- I couldn't find a parking spot at work today, so I just went home. I figured they had enough people.
- I don't know karate, but I know crazy. Don't make me use it.
- The refrigerator is a great example of, what matters is on the inside.
- It appears you're seriously lacking a big dose of Vitamin me!
- As long as my boss keeps pretending that my salary is high, I'm going to continue pretending I have lots of work to do.
- Life is too short to spend time matching socks.
- I wish more people were fluent in silence.
- You never really realize how long a minute is until you're exercising.
- I have so much to do that I'm going to read.
- The dating pool definitely has pee in it.
- My husband just said "Calm down" like he wants his own Dateline special.
- Deep down inside, I just want to touch an electric fence to see if it really works.
- I may not be a 10 on the beach, but I'm a solid 8 at Wal-Mart!
- Only a woman who delivered a baby without an epidural can truly understand guy with a cold.
- Life is just too short to argue. Just blame your sister for everything and move on!
- Because of my age, people often mistake me for an adult.
- Stop giving kids Bible names, but not Bible lessons. I just got robbed by kid named Moses.
- I love jokes about eyes. The cornea, the better.
- When driving in the rain, do you look at other driver's windshield wipers' speed to see if you're being over-dramatic with yours...or is that just me?
- A day without wine is like...just kidding. I have no idea.
- Cell phones keep getting thinner and thinner. People, quite the opposite.
- I really need to get serious about thinking of a way to retire before tomorrow.
- Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, "Oh no, it's the cops!"
- Like father, like daughter. Oh, crap.
- Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.
- I don't know who needs to hear this, but you're a great gardener. That plant should have really tried harder.
- At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part. Getting up off the floor is an entirely different story.
- You know, for a song called "Piano Man," the guy with the harmonica just won't shut the hell up!
- Egg salad is still chicken salad if you really think about it.
- Sorry for acting weird. I am weird. And it will happen again.
- A special shoutout to everyone who works hard to support their dog's extravagant lifestyle.
- It's a good day. The bulb finally burned out on my check engine light.
- To all the people who said I'd never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much: you just wait!
- Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any...
- Before you take the time to judge me, know ahead of time that I just don't care.
- The policeman asked, "Where were you between 5 and 6?" and I told him. Kindergarten.
- I just got a tank of gas for only $22. OK, it was for my lawnmower, but I'm trying to remain positive.
- When I'm in a good mood, I go to my blocked list and release a couple of prisoners.
- I drink wine because the doctor said I shouldn't keep things bottled up.
- I'm 500% done with today and already 68% done with tomorrow.
- It's getting harder to tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of ambition...
- The best thing about the good old days is that I wasn't good and I wasn't old.
- If you ever need me, know that I'm always just three missed calls and five missed text messages away.
- I remember when we used to print out 4 pages from Mapquest and travel like pirates.
- Every morning my 2-year-old sits up in bed and yells, "Help! I woke up!" and I think we can all relate.
- I've been trying to come up with jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
- I remember the co-workers much better than I remember the job.
- When someone rings the doorbell, I yell to my husband, "I think it's that young divorcee from down the street" so I don't have to get up.
- I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
- Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
- I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
- I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T PLANT A GARDEN THIS YEAR
- Plants say that you have a green middle finger
- You're the Burpee's "Don't be this guy" poster child
- Garden stores refer to sell you seeds, saying they don't want to be accomplices
- You've had seven plastic plants die on you
- With your wife suddenly gone, you know what the neighbors will suspect
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR TRIAL IS NOT GOING WELL
- As the jury heads off to decide, the foreman yells out, "Can someone time us?"
- The judge keeps referring to you as "Guilty McGuilty"
- When you walk in, the jury begins booing
- The press actually refers to this is as the "Not going well" trial
- Your lawyer is wearing a t-shirt that says, "I'm with guilty"
Laugh a little, would ya?
