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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,449th Edition
Friday, December 1st, 2023
Hard to believe I'm just three weeks away from
starting my Christmas shopping

Some scientists are claiming that sex toys may cause diabetes. I have no medical training, but may I toss out there that you may be doing it wrong?

Martha Stewart has come out on social media to deny the rumor going around that she no longer celebrates Thanksgiving at her house. Is there a rumor shortage I don't know about?

Have you been following the whole ChatGBT drama? So, last week, OpenAI, the company, dumped their CEO... .who was hired by Microsoft immediately... and now, OpenAI has brought him back as their CEO again. Makes me wonder if the robots have taken over the company.

I probably over-used the "Have a nice tryptophan" over Thanksgiving... .

Joan Collins is 90. Her 5th husband is 32 years younger than her and she claims she "can still wear him out." I'll have what she's having.

We went Christmas shopping the other day and I left the TV on for our dog. The Carolina Panthers were playing when I left and when we got home, the dog had figured out a way to turn the TV off.

For whatever reason, a guy went streaking at Disneyland over the weekend and was apprehended in the waters of "It's a Small World After All." Sometimes, these write themselves.

My hope for this time of year is for a lasting peace. For the two sides to settle their differences so we can all just get on with our lives. Of course, I'm talking about Hall and Oates.

A new survey says the number of exorcisms performed in the world is on the increase. The devil you say...

About as predictable as Sudden Death Overtime in the Hunger Games.

The Carolina Panthers fired their head coach, Frank Reich, yesterday. Just so there's no confusion, he's not the same as Frank Lloyd Reich.

Congressman George Santos said he would wear his upcoming expulsion like a badge of honor. Of course, he was lying.

Gas prices have fallen for 60 straight days. For a while there, I was filling up every chance I could, to beat the next price increase. Now, I'm waiting until I get a low gas warning. Just a silly game I play... .

According to a new survey, 60% of us believe money can buy happiness. What's the old adage? "It's a lot more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle."

Gertrude Stein: "Whoever said 'money can't buy happiness' didn't know where to shop."

Spike Milligan: "Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million."

35 years ago, it was U2 and "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." Today, it's "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" and, "You, too?"

Question: Do really good gifts deserve a bad wrap?

Not sure I'm getting this whole "hate crime" thing. So, you shot the guy, but you're saying it was a gesture of goodwill?

There were high winds in Washington, D.C. on Tuesday and it actually blew over the National Christmas Tree, which will be officially lit tonight. When he heard the tree fell over, President Biden said, "See! It happens! And it's older than I am!"

1 out of every 5 American families rely on melatonin to help them get to sleep. That means 4 out of 5 count on this show! And, by the way, we're non-habit forming!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino claims he had once had a sex tape stashed away just in case he ever needed to sell it for some extra money and that his wife and mom approved the idea. I guess I realize now that my wife and mom aren't very understanding people... .

From Facebook:

For the ones just watching to see if I'm going to make it-I am!
Don't argue with people on social media. Every classroom had a kid that ate paste. That's probably who you're arguing with.
When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that a psycho part of her brain has been activated. Abort! Abort!
My husband and I are doing a workshop. He works, I shop.
Warning: Do not feed Rice Krispies to young children. I ate them as a youngster and now, when I get up, all I do is snap, crackle and pop!
My kids don't like Thanksgiving puns, but I could quit anytime, cold turkey.
I just slammed on the brakes so hard, I found $4.57 in change, an empty flask, 39 M-and-M's, 94 French fries and a puppy!
"Muffins" backwards is exactly what you want to do when you take them out of the oven.
I hate when people ask if I'm all ready for Christmas. I'm not even ready for today!
This winter, the city should hire the guy that salts the fries at McDonald's to do the roads.
I really like my Eggs Benedict on disposable dishes. And there's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
I'm just going to go lay under the Christmas tree and remind my family that I'm a gift.
Here's a marriage tip: if you need a new can opener, just buy a new can opener. Don't give one to your wife for Christmas.
I have often wondered what people have against the horse I rode in on.
Please allow children to believe in Santa Claus. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining that for you!
People think I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).
I never get to ask why you're still married, so stop asking why I'm still single.
Marriage is like going to a restaurant, ordering something, then taking a glance at a nearby table and wishing you had ordered that.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.
I'm not on the crazy train. Trains go fast. It's more like a wagon. A long, slow ride on the crazy train.
Do you know where I can get a toupee? Not off the top of my head.
At the end of the day, it's night.
I calculated my December budget and came to the realization that everyone is getting a hug for Christmas.
The high today was 54. The low was eating an entire batch of cookies, depending on how you look at it.
The doctor gave him six months to live. The patient couldn't pay the bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but your eyebrows should not be the size of KFC potato wedges.
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
In high school, I was so excited to be a senior. Not so much now.
I'm not saying I'm getting old, but I do notice dinner time and bedtime getting closer together.
The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but: Never make snow angels in a dog park.
Seeking one night stand. Possibly, two. I have tow lamps.
If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
Every time the Universe sends me a sign, I'm like, thank you, Universe, but I think I'll wait for a signier sign.
If you say you love your family, how come there's one remaining slice of pizza for three of you?
If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
Tomato is a fruit, but don't put it in a fruit salad.