Our 1,424th Edition
Friday, June 9th, 2023
I don't mean to sound like a complainer, but I wish
the birds in my backyard would learn a new tune or two.
We get to the point where A.I. mows my lawn and I'll be a fan.
Someone just posted something on my Facebook feed about bullying and asked me to re-post it. Make me.
More than half of all Americans say they cannot do ten push-ups. Well, I didn't see a time limit, so I could easily do one a year for the next ten years. Does that work?
The number one compliment that a woman wants to hear is, "You have a nice smile." The number one thing a woman DOESN'T want to hear you say, "I bet I can guess your weight!"
Al Pacino was so surprised to hear he was going to be a father again, he demanded that his 29-year-old girlfriend get a DNA test to prove the child was his. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
They make Epsom salt; but why not Epsom pepper?
Experts say Monday is the best day of the week to buy a car, so if you were thinking about it, now you'll have to wait until next week!
The average woman will own 111 purses in her lifetime. The average man will be asked to hold 110 of them.
A new study says that most heart attacks happen on Mondays. So we're safe-for now... ..
Arnold Schwarzenegger says that there is no heaven. However, I believe we have proof there's a hell -- I hear they're showing "FUBAR" there, 24/7.
The Hollywood writers are on strike, now the actors say they may go on strike. I hope you're ready to finally star in that sitcom based on your life.
95.% of people use fictitious statistics to back up their claims.
We're sorry, but our pillows are apparently down.
Filming on the next "Mission: Impossible" movie has been put on hold, due to the writer's strike. I'm not trying to be critical here, but wouldn't you want to have the script written before you started filming?
North Korea's leader Kim Jong Un has issued a secret order, making suicide illegal. I'm imagining that any violation of the law would mean the death penalty, so I'm going to consider this a wash.
Ricki Lake posted a photo of herself nude, sitting in a bathtub, as a celebration of "complete self-acceptance." I'm going to accept myself as well, just without the photo. You're welcome.
In China, a man was fired for taking six-hour restroom breaks at work every day. If he hadn't been fired, he probably would have quit. He was really tired of being asked the question, "You alright in there?"
Apple's new iOS 17 will warn you if someone tries to send unsolicited nudes. If fact, it gives you this warning. Listen to the actual sound here
Evangelist Pat Robertson has died at the age of 93. Or, as he would have preferred to say, "Was called to report to the home office."
Hawaii's Kilauea volcano is erupting for the second time this year. All you need is lava.
That's about as redundant as lighting up a cigarette in New York City.
According to a survey, the average woman says she had the best hairstyle at age 36. So then, you're talking "now", right? Ask any woman her age, and she'll tell you 36.
According to a woman's magazine, one of 13 ways to reduce stress is to rub your ear lobes. Coincidentally, one of the ways to really feel stressed is to rub someone else's ear lobes.
- Lying about my age is easier these days since I don't remember what it is.
- I'm giving up lunch meat by going cold turkey.
- Me, getting ready to ask my wife if we have plans this weekend, knowing she has probably told me five times already.
- Finally old enough to do anything I want. Now, just too tired to do it.
- Me: I think I'm ready to call it a day! Co-worker: It's only 9:30.
- If you get a loan from a bank, you'll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you'll be out in 10. Follow me for more financial advice.
- I would just like to apologize to all of the 40-year-olds I called "old" back when I was 18.
- There was a time when we printed out maps from Mapquest and traveled like pirates.
- I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly, she's not your friend anymore.
- I got a call from the police station, saying they want to interview me. I don't remember applying for a job there.
- That moment when you have your pills in front of you and you can't remember if you've already taken them or not.
- Egg prices are so crazy right now, I ordered an omelet for brunch and 7 servers brought it out with a sparkler.
- Of course trees poop, where do you think #2 pencils come from?
- I don't roll a joint every day, but when I do, it's usually my ankle.
- My wife and I are very competitive. We laugh about it, but I laugh more.
- A human fart is louder than a trombone. I discovered this at my son's school concert last night.
- Are dental x-rays just tooth pics?
- So my best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff. He was the fastest boy at my school.
- Without a doubt, the cashew is my favorite nut that sounds like a sneeze.
- Studies show the most expensive vehicle to operate is a Costco shopping cart.
- My toxic trait: Let's see if that food that normally hurts my stomach hurts my stomach TODAY.
- I couldn't find a parking spot at my job this morning, so I just left. They must have enough people.
- The fridge is a perfect example that what matters is on the inside.
- A girls' biggest dream isn't to find Mr. Right. It's to eat whatever she wants and not get fat.
- You know you're over 40 when you have 'upstairs ibuprofen' and 'downstairs ibuprofen'.
- Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.
- Diet Rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, there are no calories.
- People write 'Congrats' because they can't spell 'Congratjulayshun'
- Once you like the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy!
- Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Definition: Too tired to give a crap.
- Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
- Don't save anything for "a special occasion." You're alive. That's special enough.
- 14 muscles are activated when you pour a cup of coffee. Fitness is my passion.
- Why is it so much easier to fall asleep in my chair unintentionally than to fall asleep in bed intentionally?
- I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but adding more cheese than a recipe calls for is not one of them.
- Hockey: Keeping the tooth fairy in business since 1875.
- To be clear-Teachers are not "off for the summer." They are in recovery.
- I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll climb over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.
- Pool party at my house tomorrow. Please bring a pool.
- Oxymoron: When an astronaut feels under the weather.
- I just read a list titled "100 Things to Do Before You Die." I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
- When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?
- The mere fact that I woke up this morning means that the assassins have failed again.
- People think I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG IN A GRADUATION COMMENCEMENT SPEECH
- "OK, that's it. Everybody back to their parents' basement!"
- "Did I ever tell you about the ‘throw your cap' curse?"
- "Oh, look! I can see my car from here!"
- "Sorry, but we're not validating parking."
- "You're all doomed."
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY SHOULD BE EXERCISING MORE
- You're got winded just reading this list.
- Your five-year-old walking shoes look brand new.
- Underneath that pile of cobwebs is your rowing machine
- That gym you signed up for has reported you as a missing person
- You've switched from wearing belts to bungee cords.
Laugh a little, would ya?