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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,238th Edition
December 6th, 2019

Oh, Santa, you sleigh me
 
THIS YEAR'S HO HO BROTHER 19--Enjoy my annual holiday collection of music and fun by clicking right here.

A new study claims that drinking 2 glasses of wine or beer a day is more likely to help you live past 90 better than exercise. I like studies.

Papa John's founder John Schnatter says that the company's board conspired against him and promises that a "Day of Reckoning" will come. However, he did not say whether it would come in 30 minutes or less.

As is tradition, President Trump pardoned a pair of White House turkeys. Congress had actually accused them of Quid Pro Gobble Gobble.

A new study says that Michigan is the most dangerous state for winter driving. Except, of course, in the summer.

From Facebook:

  • This year went by so fast, I didn't have a chance to lose weight.
  • Dear Friends, Your Christmas gift this year is me. That's right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed.
  • I was walking past a farm and the sign said "Duck, eggs." I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma" and then it hit me.

According to a new study, the average person feels "too old" to have a daily workout starting at age 41. So, I was ahead of my time... .

A study says nightmares help prepare us for real anxiety producing situations. I have to admit, I do more prepared for a zombie apocalypse than ever before.

From Facebook: Everyone is excited about the latest iPhone, but so many are ignoring the awesome technology of using your blinker when you drive.

Because of your anxiety about Christmas coming so fast, we're promising that this entire morning, we're not going to use the phrase, "Three weeks from tomorrow." OK, well, after that... ..

So, what should you eat and what should you avoid this holiday season. The answer is simply half---whatever you were planning to eat, cut that in half.

So, we had Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday... since we're giving everything a name, we should have made yesterday, ‘No Special Designation Tuesday." May I suggest Well Drink Wednesday?

Budweiser is said to be working with Space-X to become the first brewer to actually make beer in space. Why is it that the first place I go is thinking about beer farts in space. If you're in a suit, that's not going anywhere.

The latest stats: Bloomberg comes in at 6%, Kamala Harris at 4% and Milk at 2%.

A teaser trailer for the next James Bond movie is out. "No Time to Die." Apparently, they haven't figured out the time yet.

We were playing Monopoly at our house last night for a while, when my son suggested that we switch to Yahtzee. He was a real game-changer.

From Facebook: Bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked if I was planning to put it up myself and I said, "No, in the living room."

Willie Nelson announced that he's given up pot. Somewhere, bets are being paid off.

If you felt a disturbance in The Force, that should explain it.

A Canadian town is considering changing its name from Asbestos. They've been thinking about a French-sounding name, "Carcinogen."

A woman gave birth on an American Airlines jetway in Charlotte, naming her daughter "Sky." Those of us who had Tarmac in the pool were disappointed.

Brad Pitt admits that he cries more than he used to. I'd imagine, especially on the day every month he has to write his child support check.

Billie Eilich admitted she doesn't know who Van Halen is. That's totally fair. I don't know who Billie Eilich is.

Dictionary.com has chosen "existential" as its word of the year. How it beat out "impeachment", I'll never know.

A study says brushing teeth three times a day is good for the heart. These people must be brushing much deeper than I do.

A same sex couple in New York is marketing "Gay Beer." Can LGBT-Brew be far behind?

A survey says St. Louis, Missouri is the least safest city in the U.S.. Their biggest concern: falling arches.

North Korea is warning the U.S. to prepare "for a Christmas gift." I don't know how all 327-million of us are going to share a Playstation.

The former CEO of Bumble Bee was convicted in a price fixing conspiracy. That ought to change his little tuna.

A law on the books in Wausau, Wisconsin makes it illegal to throw snowballs. Not surprising, the city is run by Mayor Bob Humbug.

A New York City coffee startup wants to prevent a toxic work environment and so they have hired an on-staff philosopher. They will offer special coffee and Socra-tees.

New York City has been named the best city for exercise. That does not include police pursuits, in case you're curious.

Cyber Monday sales hit a record $9.4-billion. Now we have to figure out if that's because we're extremely savvy shoppers, or just becoming incredibly lazy.

Caitlyn Jenner says she hasn't talked to Khloe Kardashian in five or six years. In Khloe's defense, she's never met Caitlyn Jenner.

The new XFL jerseys have been revealed. So far, the fans haven't been.

 

TOP FIVE WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER MADE

  1. "Mommy Reindeerest"
  2. "The Christmas Cold"
  3. "Minor Incident on 34th Street"
  4. "The Year Santa Was Impeached"
  5. "The Grinch That Stole Hanukah Instead"
 

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST

  1. You just received a membership card for the Lump of Coal of the Month Club
  2. You sent a letter to the North Pole. It was returned, "not at this address"
  3. Third year in a row you've received the Best of Honey Boo Boo video
  4. He tells the reindeer to hold it until they get to your house
  5. That Jalapeno Candy Candy Cane he gave you should be a hint
 

TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT'S A REALLY DRY CHRISTMAS TREE

  1. The needles for the tree actually come in a separate bag
  2. When you pick it up, it crackles
  3. It looks like some of these needles have been glued on
  4. A wispy voice says, "Water me"
  5. It actually grabs that bottle of water out of your hand
Laugh a little, would ya?
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