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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,247th Edition
February 21st, 2020
Last full weekend in February!  Wow!

People going through airport security tend to be in a rush and often leave behind their loose change. In 2018, the TSA collected $978,000 in loose change. Really makes you want to go through the couch cushions right now, doesn't it?

Jameis Winston had LASIK surgery after a 30 interception season. At least now he'll be able to see clearly who intercepts him.

An Oregon man was sentenced to 30 days in jail for throwing nails on local streets. On the positive side, sales at his tire store are out the roof.

The "Full House" home in San Francisco is up for sale. Olson twins not included.

I don't know how you plan to spend your Presidents Day, but I'm going to keep up my annual tradition of going out and buying all my Valentine's Day stuff for next year while it's half price.

My buddy Skip Tucker gets the credit for this one: If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly line.

They still haven't controlled that Corona virus. It's really impacted things... for example, the number one TV show in America is now "The Masked Singer."

By the way, the country is now on Bill Clinton Protocol and we're all being asked not to inhale.

A report says the average credit card balance of Americans is $6,200. Once again, great to know I'm above average.

Ceiling fans sold at Lowe's are being recalled because the blades have been flying off. Too bad. I liked to go to Lowe's and recreate the movie, "Twister" by turning a ceiling fan on high and running for cover.

A new study says that people over the age of 55 are happier and less stressed than Millennials. Well, sure. The Millennials don't know if and when they're going to increase the rent or make them move out!

They say ISIS has doubled the number of their soldiers since 2014. My guess is that wonderful retirement plan is drawing them in.

The Whitney Houston Hologram Tour kicks off in London next week. I'm not going, but am I planning to send a cardboard cutout of myself.

Al Pacino's latest girlfriend said she broke up with him because of their age difference. She was 43, Pacino is 79. The words, "Ya think?" come to mind.

Japan's health minister is warning people to avoid crowds because of coronavirus. Over here, to avoid crowds, I always go to a Mariners game.

From Facebook:
  • A co-worker said to me, “Could you be anymore annoying?” So, the next day, I wore tap shoes to work.
  • Nothing is more depressing than getting paid and being broke in the same day.
  • This diet tip: Your pants will never be too tight if you don't wear any.
  • To the dude that stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now.
  • The older you get, the uglier you're willing to go out in public.
  • "The world has come to an end. Keith Richards walks the barren wasteland, surveying all that is left. In the distance, he notices a lone figure carrying what could only be described as an Excalibur. Keith yells out, "Oi! Who goes there?" and Betty White responds, "You knew it could down to this. Now, draw!"
China says it feels like the world has closed the door on it because of the coronavirus. Think of it as we’re having dinner in the dining room, and we have a table set up for you in the garage.
 
Harry Styles was reportedly robbed at knifepoint in London. Ironically, the thief had been in a gang, but was now enjoying a solo career.
 
A reminder that “Fat Tuesday” is next week. OK, sorry. “Height-Weight Proportionately Challenged” Tuesday.
 
Victoria’s Secret is being sold to a private equity firm for $525-million. Models not included.
 

TOP FIVE POSSIBLE TITLES FOR THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE

  1. "Indiana Jones and the Temple of A.A.R.P."
  2. "Indiana Jones and the Lost My Car Keys"
  3. "Indiana Jones and the Dentures of Doom"
  4. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Party"
  5. "Raiders of the Las Vegas"

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR ROOF MAY BE LEAKING

  1. No one left the water running somewhere. That's your ceiling!
  2. Need to use an umbrella going down the hallway
  3. Fire inspector thought all those drips were part of a sprinkler system
  4. You haven't had to refill your glass of water for weeks
  5. You don't remember having an indoor pool in the living room
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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