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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,406th Edition
Friday, February 3rd, 2023

Time to get out there and hit those After Groundhog Day's Sales
 

 

I remember back when eggs were for Easter. With the price they're going for these days, it's a great way to show someone how much you care on Valentine's Day.

In Kansas, a 30-year-old man was shot and killed while driving his car... when his dog, in the back seat, stepped on a rifle and it went off. Man's best friend.

A 600 square mile chunk of ice-the size of Oklahoma City-has broken off from Antarctica. Quick-someone go out and get a 2-million gallon bottle of whisky!

My life insurance agent says my premium will go down 5% if I just promise to avoid Jay Leno.

I hate it when I say, "Have a great weekend" and they point out to me its only Monday.

In Florida, a teacher has been arrested after biting two students over a jar of pickles. Understandable if they're dills. If they were sweet, let ‘em have them.

Looking forward to Super Bowl prices, compared to last year, beer is up, chicken wings are down. And don't even think about deviled eggs. That's just plain crazy talk.

Former Britain Prime Minister Boris Johnson says that Vladmir Putin once threatened him with a missile strike. My guess is, probably because his party was too loud.

In honor of the passing of Lisa Loring, who played "Wednesday" on the old Addams Family TV series, I think we should skip Wednesday tomorrow and go straight to Thursday. Just putting that out there...

And I yelled to the skies, "Why couldn't you take Laverne, instead?"

Collosal, a genetic engineering company, says it's going to try and bring back the extinct Dodo bird. Have none of these scientists seen a single "Jurassic Park" movie?

The guy they called "The Father of Peeps" has died at the age of 98. His family has asked to leave their name out of this.

That would be like being "The Mother of Candy Corn."

Gas prices have jumped each of the last five weeks. And so have I, when I've looked at the price at the pump.

Congressman George Santos announced he's going to resign from his two congressional committee positions. What with his upcoming tour with the Rolling Stones and the next "Mission: Impossible" movie, he's got a pretty full schedule.

Tom Brady announced this week that he is "done for good." Quitter.

Yes, Tom said he is "retiring for good." I'm assuming, for good, instead of evil.

And, of course, this paves the way for George Santos to take over.

This morning, Tom woke up and saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of retirement.

Here's a case of serious karma: In West Virginia, the home of a man who is accused of embezzling money from the Chapmanville Volunteer Fire Department caught on fire Monday afternoon. I can't imagine there was a big rush to put it out.

Rupert Grint, who played Ron Weasley in the "Harry Potter" movies, says those years were "suffocating." Yeah, I imagine one could possibly choke from all that money.

Congressman George Santos admits that he did say quite a few lies to get elected, but he says he's never going to lie again. Wait? What?

Randy Rainbow is the host for the Grammys this Sunday? Were there seriously that many turn downs?

In Randy's defense, I heard Pauly Shore and William Hung were busy.

Punxsutawney Phil is predicting six more weeks of winter. Of course, he's also got the 49ers winning the Super Bowl.

FROM FACEBOOK:

  • Exercise can add more years to your life. I just ran a mile and I already feel like I'm 82.
  • A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
  • You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't know where something is? MOM!
  • I've unfriended so many people on Facebook it feels like MySpace.
  • If you get a loan at the bank you'll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it'll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.
  • If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
  • Yeah, I couldn't fix your brakes, so I just made your horn louder.
  • Sign at a restaurant: Come in and try the worst coffee one woman on Tripadvisor had in her life.
  • Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for 7.5 seconds.
  • The people who make fitted sheets need to sit down with the folks who make mattresses and get on the same page. Making the bed shouldn't be like putting a swim cap on a refrigerator.
  • When you wake up and check your phone to see how much longer you'll get to sleep, and your alarm goes off.
  • It's National Handwriting Week. For you kids out there, it's like texting, but with a pen and paper.
  • In Wonder Woman, Diana is able to get to London from her remote island because she is an Amazon, and therefore qualifies for one-day shipping.
  • A new study shows the most expensive vehicle to operate these days is a grocery cart.
  • I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms back in high school instead of how to do taxes. It comes in very handing during Parallelogram Season.
  • I'm at the point of parenting where, "What did I just say?" could either be a threat or a legitimate question.
  • The movie "Lincoln" made over $275-million in theaters, which is impressive, since Lincoln historically didn't do well in theaters.
  • Dear Morning People, quick question: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
  • When the box for the puzzle said, "2-4 years" and you completed it in just three months.
  • Maybe eating tacos wasn't cheating on my diet. Maybe dieting was cheating on my tacos.
  • I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I am a good mood for 34 minutes.
  • 8am: Too tired to think. Noon: Too tired to think. 5pm: Too tired to think. Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?
  • I lost my car Chapstick and now my room Chapstick is in my car, my purse Chapstick is in my room and my whole life is messed up.
  • If you have been following me on Facebook for over a year, you are now a cousin on my Facebook side.
  • A thing I never realized about being an adult is that you will always be cleaning your kitchen. No matter if you get take out or if you're gone all day, you'll still be cleaning the kitchen.
  • January was a tough year, but we made it.
  • I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors are screaming.
  • Welcome to the Golden Years where, if it still works, it hurts.
  • I'm going to be honest with you. For a time in the 1990s, I occasionally wore a t-shirt that said, "No fear." I actually had fear.
  • "Quitting Facebook" is the adult version of running away from home. We all know you do it for attention, and you'll be back soon.
  • Being my friend is accepting that sometimes I reply to messages in one second and sometimes in 30 days.
  • You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
  • Sure, I'd love to help you out... Now, which way did you come in?
  • Why do we call it red onion when it's clearly purple.
  • I'm still tired from yesterday. And it's not looking good. I've already used up tomorrow's tired.
  • You can't be young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
  • You can go anywhere you want when you carry a clipboard.
  • Every once in a while, I go outside and run the vacuum over the driveway, just to make sure none of the neighbors ever talk to me.
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

TOP FIVE EXCUSES I HAVEN'T USED YET FOR NOT COMING INTO WORK

  1. I don't want to expose everyone at work to what I've been exposed to (hopefully, there won't be any follow up questions)
  2. The doctor says I have a bad case of "Needa Day-offia"
  3. The dog ate my car
  4. The dog ate my car keys
  5. I've got that new variant, Shmovid.

TOP FIVE MESSAGES YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ON YOUR CANDY HEARTS

  1. It's triplets!
  2. Ask for the antidote
  3. Delete my number
  4. You gave me something
  5. I want out!
Laugh a little, would ya?
 


PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!

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