You know, if it weren't for people, I'd really like this world.
My biggest question about the Jeff Bezos space flight-what's the meal? I hear the bar is only open for 3 minutes.
Not that I hold on to things, but you know those "64 funny cars?" They really weren't that funny.
With some Notre Dame students asking that the school not allow Chick-fil-A to open up on their campus, Senator Lindsey Graham says he'd "go to war" to defend them. Graham says he just wants Chick-fil-A to know that he has their backs... breasts... and drumsticks.
According to a new study, the Amazon Rainforest is now producing more CO2 than it absorbs. I don't know about you, but it seems to me that Amazon should have to pay for it.
At the Cannes Film Festival in France, a movie about a woman who has sex with cars won the top honor. And you thought you heard a weird sound from your car.....
Sorry, but the phrase "Car-nal Knowledge" just popped into my head.
A new survey says that 20% of Americans believe that microchips are in the COVID vaccine. The voice of Bill Gates is asking me to tell you to sit down and shut up.
Meanwhile, in Skokie, Illinois, someone lit a toilet paper display on fire inside a Wal-Mart, which had to evacuate while the fire was put out. Police say they have nothing to go on. However, they do have some leads on the suspect.
Toyota has pulled their TV commercials in Japan, taking credit for being an official Olympic sponsor, because of the negative feeling towards the game. To me, if I was Nissan, I'd be advertising with something like, "You know, we're NOT one of the official Olympic sponsors. Just sayin'."
A U.S. doctor says he isn't concerned about the reported cases of COVID among the athletes at the Olympics. Mostly because they're in Japan and he's here.
So, yesterday, for around 11 minutes, Jeff Bezos was NOT the richest person on earth. I hope whoever is number two enjoyed their moment at the top.
The Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Bucs visited the White House yesterday. To his credit, President Biden only used the joke, "I can't believe my Buccaneers" once.
I don't like haters, but it makes me feel redundant.
Wednesday night was the NHL's Expansion Draft. I'm no expert on hockey, but I do hope we get a good shortstop.
Netflix lost 433,000 subscribers in the United States and Canada during the second quarter. You haven't already watched everything, have you?
It still amazes me that people say they won't get vaccinated because they don't know what's in it... .as they eat a hot dog.
Can a Dr. Fauci/Rand Paul cage match be far away?
11% of women have never cooked a roast for their family. The number is significantly higher among vegetarians.
Wait-the full moon tonight is known as the Buck Moon? The Bucks won the NBA Championship! Coincidence? Yeah. Every 7 days is a Sunday and that didn't help Phoenix.
A new study claims that 10% of all gasoline users consume more than a third of the supply. Most of those super-users belong to the "Hybrid-Schmi-brid Society."
COVID rates in Nevada are at the highest level they've been in five months. In a state full of gamblers, is that surprising?
The average person frowns about five times a day. Listeners of this show, even more.
Taste buds live about 10 days before being replaced by new ones. That's why you never see any on vacation. By the time they realize how long they've got, it's over!
- Don't let anyone treat you like free salsa. You are Guacamole, baby!
- Coffee comes in three sizes: Early, Too Early and Way Too Early
- Lord, give me patience. Because if you give me strength, I'm going to need bail money, too.
- An apple a day? Wrong. Just look at Eve, Snow White or any pig at a luau.
- Money may not buy happiness, but I'm accepting donations to test out that theory.
- Pete the Serial Flasher was considering retirement, but he's decided to stick it out for another year.
- You never realize how anti-social you are until a pandemic hits and your life really doesn't change that much.
- I'm holding a cup of coffee, so yeah, I'm pretty busy.
- My grandfather always spoke of the good old days when you could leave doors open. Lovely man, terrible submarine captain.
- I've reached the age where my brain goes from "You probably shouldn't say that" to "What the heck, let's see what happens."
- I have an Elton John pun. It's a little bit funny.
- A recent study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. And people who order a quad shot, non fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.
- They say not to use ‘beef stew' as a password. Apparently, it's not stroganoff.
- A special shout out to everyone who forgot where they left their coffee while holding it. My people.
- When I was your age, I had to walk 10-feet through shag carpeting to change the channel.
- I lifted up my shirt to check out my abs and a Cheeto fell out. So there's that.
- What do I like most about job? Pay Day, lunch breaks and leaving.
- Crap, I just seized the wrong day.
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU'VE SAID THAT PRETTY MUCH SHOW YOU'RE NOT A WINE EXPERT
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T FLY WITH THAT DISCOUNT SPACE COMPANY
- You asked, "Is the box fresh?"
- "What's this cork doing in the top of the bottle?"
- "That's what they call a cab-er-net"
- "This was made from grapes?"
- "That's OK, but it would probably be better hot"
- They only sell one-way tickets
- Oxygen is extra
- They claim they only use the safest fireworks made
- You ask how safe their flights are, they respond with, "We don't know yet"
- The name, "Maybe Space Flights" should be a clue
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GOT A LOUSY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR
- Mentioned that your spirit animal is "Clarence, the Cash-Up-Front Cow"
- Her mantra is on a sign on the wall: "No checks"
- Says a 40% is just way too much. 39% is fine
- Asks for a $20 bill as that's her "emotional support currency"
- Just claimed the Tarot cards said you're going to give her money
Laugh a little, would you??