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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,337th Edition
Friday, November 26th, 2021

Take this bird & stuff it!

Adele says that her new "30" album explains to her 9-year-old son why she got divorced. Back in my day, my parents just use to have what they called "talks" with us. Not as expensive, fewer musicians and studios needed.

I missed that partial lunar eclipse last Friday morning, which was said to be the longest partial eclipse in almost 700 years. But to be completely honest, I'm only partially disappointed.

A new study says that saying a prayer prior to a meal adds a specialness to it. Of course, so does putting black olives on your fingertips and then putting them back.

They're saying that 1.6-million Americans have lost their sense of smell due to catching the coronavirus. So, in other words, let ‘er rip!

President Biden continued the tradition of American presidents pardoning a turkey prior to Thanksgiving on Friday. The ones that were pardoned were named Peanut Butter and Jelly. The ones that weren't pardoned were Plump and Juicy.

A Starbucks employee in New Jersey has tested positive for hepatitis A. Co-workers noticed he wasn't acting right when he started spelling people's names correctly.

75% of parents wrote a letter to Santa when they were a child. I only sent him a Harry and David's basket once. That was the year I didn't get the train set and I was done.

33% of women say that a potato reminds them of their husbands. Especially when they're on couches.

You know, I'm old enough to remember when I could remember things.

Target says they will never be open on Thanksgiving again. Ironically, after Thanksgiving, my pants will never close.

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, I'm reminded of those words: Gobble ‘til you wobble!

I'm old enough to associate the phrase, "smash and grab" with making the potatoes for dinner.

And I would just like to pass along special Thanks to the most important part of the holiday... .elastic waist pants.

The president released 50-million barrels from our strategic oil reserves. So, those headlines that said, "Biden released a bunch of gas" were not quite accurate.

A second cast member of "General Hospital" has been fired because they refused to get the COVID vaccine. Boy, this is turning into a real soap opera.

This year's hot: Elf on a Container Ship.

While the stores aren't as bad as they've been in the past, I still think they should rename "Black Friday" "Black and Blue Friday."

I do shop locally. Right here, on my local laptop.

From Facebook:
  • Eggs are fantastic for a diet. If you don't like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 180-degrees for 30 minutes.
  • Looters have it much easier today. It was much harder to run with a color TV back in 1968.
  • I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and all I find are ingredients.
  • Don't forget to turn your scales back 15 pounds Wednesday night for Thanksgiving.
  • I was just informed that 1980 and 2021 are the same distance apart as 1980 and 1939. I am unwell.
  • Never ask me to hold your drink. I will drink it. Just a warning.
  • Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
  • At some point, Subway convinced us that it was OK to eat an entire loaf of bread in one sitting.
  • William Shatner has discontinued his line of women's lingerie. Apparently, Shatner Panties wasn't the best choice for a name.
  • I feel that this holiday season, it's more important than ever to remind people of the true meaning of Christmas: ghosts terrorizing rich people in the middle of the night until they pay their employees more.
  • A recent study has found that women who carry a little bit more weight live longer than men who mention it.
  • Honey is the tastiest of the insect vomits I've tried so far.
  • May your stuffing be moist, and your turkey, be plump, May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump, may your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize, May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
  • I almost quit drinking. Then I thought about all those people who work in breweries in order to feed their families. I just couldn't do that to them.
  • Don't expect me to stop if I see you broken down by the side of the road. You had all those opportunities to buy the extended warranty.
  • If you begin Die Hard at 9:57:10pm on New Year's Eve, Hans Gruber will reach the ground floor of Nakatomi Plaza at exactly midnight to ring in the New Year.
  • Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. He sneaks around a tower at night avoiding Alan Rickman. It's a Harry Potter movie.
  • According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only 3 days left until Christmas.
  • Thanksgiving is all about family and fun until... .someone has to do the dishes.
  • Just saw a guy on his Smartphone drinking his Smart Water driving his Smart car. He looked like a dumbass.
  • The first rule of "Condescending Club" is kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it, even I explained it to you.
  • I don't want to end this year on bad terms with anyone. Please apologize to me.

TOP FIVE REASONS THAT T.S.A. AGENT CREEPS YOU OUT

  1. Well, there's that "I Love Cavity Searches" t-shirt he's got on
  2. Actual name on his name tag: Grabby Cop-a-feel
  3. Greets you with, "OK, who's my next victim?"
  4. He just offered to carry you through the metal detector
  5. He just smelled the shoes you took off

TOP FIVE WORST THANKSGIVING PRAYERS EVER!

  1. "Lord, please make us all gratefully hearted, and forgive Uncle Earl, as he just farted. Amen"
  2. "On this Thanksgiving Day, we count our blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home. Amen"
  3. "Let this bird remind us of the dangers of sticking your neck out. Amen"
  4. "Dear Lord, dibs on the drumsticks. Amen."
  5. "Over the lips and through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes! Amen"
Short & sweet, huh? Laugh a little, would ya?

 
 
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