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Our 1,472nd Edition
Friday, May 17th, 2024

Happy 17th of May!

Boy, this is a tough presidential year. We've gotta choose between an 81-year-old, a 77-year-old or a 70-year-old guy who says a worm ate part of his brain.

As I was telling Taylor Swift the other day, I hate name droppers....

Do you need to refrigerate mustard after you open it? French's said you should, as that will help it retain its flavor. I wonder if that's still true after 10 years?

(on Monday) I should have at least made it to 9am before asking, "Is it Friday yet?"

You know, if Robert Kennedy Jr. had half a brain, he could take out the worm and go fishing.

Is it wrong that when you see a friend post that they're enjoying their last day of a tropical vacation that you crack a slight smile?

Students at Duke University walked out of Saturday's commencement speech by Jerry Seinfeld. We're not sure if it had to do with the Palestine protests, or his new movie, "Unfrosted."

By the way, if you're looking for a great Mother's Day gift this week, you really blew it.

The New York Jets and Aaron Rogers will take on the San Francisco 49ers in the first Monday Night Football game of the next season. Be sure to get there at the beginning, you know, just in case. You'd hate to miss all of Aaron Rogers' next season.

Vice-President Kamala Harris dropped an F-bomb in a speech the other night. Makes me think she's trying to get her own Netflix comedy special.

I've got the body of an athlete. That athlete, unfortunately, is Babe Ruth.

So you know, the latest statistic show that home prices in the U.S. have gone up 47% since 2020 everywhere....except in Monopoly.

I guess I'd be more upset about the skyrocketing prices at McDonald's if I actually ate at McDonald's.

Houston Astro's pitcher Ronel Blanco was ejected from a game the other night for what the umpire called, "the stickiest glove I've ever seen!" Well, if that doesn't bang your trash can.

When Tom Brady heard the news, he said he felt deflated.

Blanco has now been suspended for 10 games and that's expected to stick. Primarily, to his glove

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue comes out this Friday. Can't wait to read all those articles.

President Biden has challenged Donald Trump to a debate. No date has been set yet, but they're thinking right after dinner. Around 4:30 or so...

And, of course, it may also depend on which day is "Visitors Day."

They say that 60% of American's don't know a single thing about... pickleball. That would include me. Among my questions-dill or sweet?

The average woman will own 111 purses in her lifetime. And here I am, getting seriously close to buying my 2nd wallet.

Today is when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue comes out. Always good reading...

So, we've got two scheduled presidential debates on the books between Biden and Trump. Apparently, my Jell-O wrestling idea was never taken seriously...

Netflix is going to start broadcasting NFL games on Christmas Day because you and your family were starting to talk to each other too much.

The average amount spent on wedding gifts these days: $109. Wow, this is making that $10 Dollar Tree gift card I gave to a couple last weekend sound even cheaper!

From Facebook:
  • One of the perks of being my friend: you'll be the normal one.
  • Last night, I had a dream I invented a new color. Sadly, it turned out just to be a pigment of my imagination.
  • I wasn't sure what to make for dinner, so I opened a bottle of wine and now I don't care.
  • I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
  • It's just a matter of time before they add "Syndrome" to my last name.
  • People say circumcision doesn't hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for nearly a year.
  • I had some rough sex last night but it would have been so much better if I wasn't alone.
  • I'm going to write a book about all the things I should have done in my life. It'll be my oughtabiography.
  • Why do I drive like I can afford a ticket?
  • We all have one person in our life that must have learned how to whisper in a helicopter.
  • It's me and my 2-3 hours of sleep versus the world today.
  • How to spot a Baby Boomer on Facebook: they use proper grammar.
  • I wanna go day drinking and fall in some bushes.
  • You spoiled brats with all your fancy Cheerios flavors. When we were kids, Cheerios only came in one flavor and that was paper!
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, Vodka is cheaper than dinner for two.
  • Children are like farts. I'm impressed by mine, but disgusted by yours.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. got the hint. For her birthday, she's getting a magazine rack.
  • Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
  • Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
  • Ah, that delicate game of being funny at work: Funny enough to entertain co-workers, but not funny enough to be sent to H.R..
  • My mom finally got the courage to bring my dad's urn into the living room and place it on the mantle. It was bittersweet and caught everyone a little off guard, including my dad who was just sitting there watching "Storage Wars."
  • I could never work at an aquarium. I'd have a penguin in my car by the end of shift.
  • There is no WE in pizza.
  • If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
  • Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1) Hold down the Shift key 2) Press the number 4 six times. It's that easy.
  • Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
  • Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  • Netflix should have a category called, "easy to follow while looking at your phone the whole time."
  • You know, it's pretty rude of you to invite me to a party at your funky little shack and then require that I bring my own juke box money.
  • Just overheard a woman who ordered a Bloody Mary when apple juice wasn't available which is similar to how I make most of my life decisions.
  • I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
  • Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
  • Heat causes things to expand, so I'm not fat; I'm just hot.
  • Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.
  • I've been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I've lost is 14 days.
  • Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
  • Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings.
  • I just Googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don't Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
  • I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
  • Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
  • When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee, that's a moray.
  • I'm finally old enough to do anything I want, but too tired to do it.
  • Bigfoot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the campfire at the party I wasn't invited to.
  • Coffee is the elixir of the gods. Therefore, I am not addicted, I'm divine.
  • Sometimes I like to tell people, "I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are." Then, I watch their face as they try to figure out if that was a compliment or not.
  • "Some people have no idea what they are doing and a lot of them are really good at it!" - George Carlin
  • Sometimes I hear the voices of cookies and ice cream, calling me in the middle of the night from the kitchen. The veggies, however, are oddly quiet.
  • Meat is murder. Quick! Eat the evidence!
  • I was born male and I identify as male. But according to Stouffer's Lasagna, I'm a family of four.
  • Just a reminder that April is Procrastination Month.
  • I may not be everybody's cup of tea, but I am someone's double shot of tequila.
  1. You're actually allergic to Claritin.
  2. You actually own a pollen swatter
  3. Every year, your nose buys a new pair of running shoes
  4. Well, there's that bubble suit you wear from March through June every year
  5. You sneeze while swimming
  1. You're training a baby kangaroo to be lazy, just so you can call it a pouch potato
  2. The only exercise you do are diddly squats
  3. You hired the neighbor kid to bring you the TV remote control
  4. You don't have a couch in your living room. You have a hammock.
  5. You call Uber Eats and ask them to surprise you
  1. A fly just flew over your plate and burst into flames
  2. You can identify each and every one of the 573 varieties of peppers
  3. You consider ghost peppers are for wimps
  4. You use cayenne pepper as a breath freshener
  5. When your eyes water, hot sauce comes out
Laugh a little, would ya?

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