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General Motors and Hyundai are said to be working on a collaboration. By 2026, they hope to develop an American-made car that is really easy to steal!

28% of us will eat more holiday foods than usual over the holidays this year. I accept your challenge!

People who have to drive over 45 minutes to work every day have a much higher risk for divorce. Especially those who take 45 minutes to get to work and they're only two blocks away.

I'm frankly waiting for the headline: "Another attempt on President Trump's life after he walked through Springfield, Ohio, dressed up like a dog."

REO Speedwagon says they will end touring next year due to "irreconcilable differences" within the band. Well, I heard it from who...heard it from a friend, who....

Yes, REO Speedwagon is no longer going to tour next year due to "irreconcilable differences." No word yet on who is going to get the kids.

There goes my imagination again. I'm picturing a pay-per-view cage match featuring REO Speedwagon, Jane's Addiction and Hall and Oates. I'm in.

The foods most likely to wreck your diet? According to a recent survey, Chinese food came in as the number one diet-wrecker. Pizza came in second. In Springfield, Ohio, St. Bernard came in third.

The average American now eats about 25 pounds of cheese every year. That explains so much.

Sean "Diddy" Combs has been indicted on sex trafficking and racketeering charges. Of course, now the big question: Diddy?

A new study conducted by the University of Michigan says that 1 in 5 parents believe their child has no friends. Poor kid. If only that child had parents.

The Federal Reserve Board cut interest rates yesterday. Big deal--the interest rate of this show pretty much goes down on a daily basis!

A new study suggests that when dog owners stare into their best friend's eyes, certain regions of their brains actually sync up! I know that after looking into my dog's eyes, I develop a fear of Springfield, Ohio.

Not to be nitpicky, but a House Margarita is never actually the size of a house.

A survey asked, "What do you wish you could write off on your tax return?" The number one answer was Starbucks coffee. You don't?

25% of kids say the worst thing about driving with their parents is when they yell at other drivers. I prefer to be a better role model for my kids and, instead of yelling, just use a silent finger.

Since 1970, the number of people who take a bath regularly has dropped by over 70%. And by the way, you people who don't do either-we know who you are!

FROM FACEBOOK:

May the bridges I burn light the way.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
I've been on Facebook 16 years. I remember when all this was farmland.
Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
People think I'm a hugger, but I'm actually shaking them down for snacks.
My nickname at work is, "HR wants to see you"
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?
Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
If the liquor store didn't want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth. Unfortunately, the earth is round.
So, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphabet is your favorite color?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart. That way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I'm actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
It's amazing how much money I think I have when I'm drunk.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
I'm fine, mentally. Otherwise, I'm sure the rubber duckies would have told me otherwise.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.
Apparently the 'All you can eat buffet' isn't a challenge. Who knew?
Modern slogan: People who live in bouncy castles shouldn't throw darts.
You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Ziploc's idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Oh, I don't hate you, it's just that, if you were on fire, I would probably roast marshmallows.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
I've written my own book, called "50 Shades of Gravy."
Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo!
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I've put in place in case of burglars.
Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a Zamboni?
Yes, it's a bad time. Let me call you back when I'm not feeling so honest.
The older I get, the more I understand why roosters start their days screaming.
Just because it's a bad idea doesn't mean it's not going to be a good time.
My wife and I are dieting now. And by dieting, I mean we're not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
If McDonald's was smart they'd serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't wanna see you every day.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought, "Wait! He's just going to use it for alcohol!" And then I thought, "That's what I'm going to use it for!"
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
When you consider names for your baby, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think, "Man, I've really got to hit the gym!"
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
After much thought and careful consideration, I've decided not to do a damn thing today.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
We are the last generation on earth to know what the world was like before social media.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Days that I don't have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.