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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,173rd Edition
August 16th, 2018

I'd like to report a missing summer

In China, a 67-year-old woman is pregnant... with twins. You're probably wondering what I was--where are the parents?

Starbucks honored Whitney Houston last Thursday, on what would have been her 55th birthday, by playing her music exclusively in their stores all day long. They did spell her name wrong, but at least they played her music.

They say smoke from the California fires has actually reached New York City. I suppose if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

A report says some colleges are allowing students to pick their own grades in courses. And for you graduates, I should brace you for the fact your boss probably won't let you pick your own raise when you get out.

Melania Trump's parents have become U.S. citizens. Apparently, the president couldn't get the wall built in time.

Howard Stern says he is planning a tell-all book. So when has he been afraid to tell something? What's left to tell?

They had the annual Santa Claus Congress in Denmark over the weekend, with over 150 Claus's in attendance from all over the world. Not a good place to be if you like to cry and pout. I'm not telling you why.

Dodgers fans will now be able to buy beer at their seats. The way they've been playing lately, this is none too soon.

Scientists in Siberia recently found the remains of a horse dating back 30,000 to 40,000 years. Most likely, one of my ancestors bet on it to show.

Nintendo fans are worried about Mario's brother, Luigi, because in a trailer for a new game, he appears as a ghost. Whatever you do, don't tell these people what's going on out there in the real world. They won't be able to handle it.

SeaWorld is letting 125 employees go. But no sea creatures.

There was that Billy Bush recording. Then Trump's lawyer recorded him without his knowledge. Then Omarosa recorded him. Wouldn't you think by now, if he meets with anyone, the first he'd do is check for recording devices? I watched "24" and that's like basic protocol.

A man in Florida was recently arrested after running into a liquor store with an alligator and chasing people who were shopping there. In case you were wondering, 9 out of 10 people yelled out, "See ya later!" as they ran out the store.

Auntie Anne's will start selling pumpkin spice pretzel nuggets next month. There are two camps here. One group that'll immediately say, "Awesome." The others who yell out, "Stone them!"

Kendall Jenner is on vacation with her supposed latest boyfriend, Ben Simmons. And the question I continue to ask-vacation from what?

I was really upset to hear that James Harden was under investigation for allegedly roughing up a woman in Las Vegas. My first thought was, "Who's going to do those Carpool Karaoke videos?" Yeah, different James...

Radio brother Matt Case told me this one: Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.

More Facebook wisdom: Remember when you thought nap time was a punishment?

This whole Omarosa/Trump thing has turned into a real "He Said/She Said/About What He Said."

Over 100 newspapers are planning to editorialize against Donald Trump's anti-press rhetoric. I'm sure that'll make it all better.

To be honest, I'm shocked-there are over 100 newspapers left?

On August 27th at 11:30am, Weird Al is going to get his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The event is BYOPA--bring your own pick ax.

An MIT computer program is predicting the end date for civilization as we know it at 2040. I've already begun plans to make sure I charge everything I've ever wanted in 2039.

Research says young women age 18-35 is the demographic most unhappy with Donald Trump. The second most unhappy group are the women you didn't include in that group and so you're telling everyone they're over 35.

In Seattle, we've got smoke-filled skies from all the west coast fires. On the positive side, if you accidentally bought regular bacon and meant to buy smoked, just stick it outside for a while.

What a strange time in which we live, when we're willing to give up the drama and gossip of "The Bachelor" and switch over to CNN for the drama and gossip of the White House.

Isaiah Thomas has apologized for calling Cleveland a "S-hole." As you would expect, people who are fans of S-holes were highly offended.

Wrestling legend Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart has died at age 63. Doctors refused to issue a death certificate three times because they thought he was faking it.

Two school cafeteria workers in Connecticut are being charged in a half million dollar scam. I grew up in the days when the worst thing a lunch lady would do is yell at you for not finishing your taco.

A new report claims there are more conspiracy theories around these days than ever before. I'm sure the Russians are behind that report.

Scientists say sleep deprivation fuels loneliness. They made the announcement at 3am.

I just saw on Target.com that Monopoly now has a "Cheater's edition." Good to know our kids can get an early start.

I'm beginning to understand why they call it People Magazine. I look at the stories and think to myself, "Who are these people?"

Due to unhealthy air, Seattle meteorologists are asking people not to breathe until the weekend. Whoops, missed a word. That should have said, ‘breathe outdoors.' More doable.

Sarah Sanders apologized for false claims she made about job creations for blacks. But she stands behind everything else she has said that hasn't been fact-checked.

Sarah Sanders really does have a tough job. It's like being the food sampler at Costco that gets to off Kale salad samples. Just doing her job.

You might have missed it, but Wednesday was National Relaxation Day. We tend to celebrate that holiday every time National The Boss Is Taking A Day Off Day rolls around.

Former child star Todd Bridges is being accused of threatening his ex with a crossbow and taser. There is absolutely no way I'm the first one to think of the question, "What's wrong with you, Willis?"

TOP FIVE EXAMPLES OF WHY YOU NEED A MENTAL HEALTH DAY
  1. You actually parked your car in your office... and you're on the second floor
  2. When the boss asked what you thought about a proposal, you said you'll have to check with Zaltron in the mother ship
  3. Co-workers are already complaining about you to HR this week, and it's only Tuesday
  4. You just finished a 10-minute screaming lecture to the copy machine
  5. Well, for starters, all those hostages you just took
TOP FIVE SIGNS THERE WAS PROBABLY ELECTION TAMPERING
  1. When you asked Elections Supervisor if he thought there was tampering, he said, "Nyet."
  2. First round of results were announced the day before the election
  3. When asked if there were any more ballots, one of the volunteers asked, "How many more do we need?"
  4. How did Putin end up on the City Council ballot?
  5. Russian hackers said they didn't do anything and they won't do it again
Laugh a little, would ya?
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