They say once you go WACK, you never go back

85% of us cringe whenever they hear our own voice. That's why I whisper to myself.

A woman with the rare condition of two uteruses delivered twins, one from each womb, last month at a hospital in northwestern China. Of course, that allowed the hospital to double-bill.

A team of Pennsylvania students broke a Guinness World Record by dropping an egg from a height of 83 feet without it breaking. When asked how they did it, one student replied, "It was easy. We just left it inside the chicken!"

I'm just going to say, "Well, that's one less friend in low places" and then slowly back away...

Porn actors have launched a $100,000 ad campaign on porn sites warning that Project 2025 wants to ban pornography and imprison people who produce it. Not that I've seen that ad several times...

I had to cancel my doctor's appointment today because I forgot it was the beginning of Amazon Prime Days...

"Jingle Bells" was originally written to be a Thanksgiving song, NOT a Christmas song. We've got plenty of Christmas songs, we need more Thanksgiving songs. OK, songwriters, here are some titles to work with:

• "Little Drumstick Boy"
• "All I Want for Thanksgiving is Seconds"
• "Gravy Marmalade"
• "White (Meat) Thanksgiving"
• "Rudolf, the Long-Necked Turkey"
• "Have Yourself a Non-Stop Football Thanksgiving."

The price of a Mega Millions lottery ticket is going up, from $2 to $5, which will allow you to throw away your money even faster!

I can't believe how my job is cutting into my Amazon Prime Days shopping.

Why is it I rush to Amazon Prime Days, as if they just might run out of stuff to buy?

We bought our Halloween candy. You kids waiting until Halloween to come to our house are taking a big risk.

I wonder if all the news surrounding Sean Combs will cause John Mellencamp to rewrite, "a little Diddy about Jack 'n Diane?"

I forget, right now: Is it duck season or wabbit season?

Shouldn't I be running out of events that only happen once in a lifetime?

I honestly believe we're not that far away from someone inventing a 90-day Advent Calendar.

The fastest way to be admitted to a Zoom or Teams call is to take a bite of something.

One in four people claim that they can feel a storm in their joints. I suppose it depends on which joints you hang out at and the size of the storm.

12% of women have ended a date prematurely, because the guy swore (used profanity) too much. I'm guessing that you're thinking that wasn't intentional...

From Facebook:

• I'm at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries.
• That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down and you're a guy.
• I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
• When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
• When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 15.
• Technically, if you don't cut the cake, it's still just one slice.
• I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
• Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
• Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
• I'm pretty sure there's a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED.
• Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.
• Ever notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the Ebola crisis in Africa?
• I can't believe people used to have to paint selfies.
• The important thing to always remember is that nobody asked you.
• Any of you ladies wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding. There's no pizza.
• My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
• "Don't make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a Facebook friendship from a relative.
• I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?
• I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
• Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone's mouth while they're talking?
• If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
• It's called NASCAR because that's the way a redneck pronounces "nice car."
• That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
• Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.
• Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
• If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
• The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self-avoid good intentions at all costs.
• College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
• I'm still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say, "Hey, aren't you Ice-T?"
• It's the little things in life that count, like pills.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• Life can be like chess sometimes. I don't know how to play chess.
• If you need Facebook to remind you it's your wife's birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
• I love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think I'm decorating for Halloween.
• Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
• One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don't want to do.
• I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
• "Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.
• I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
• Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
• Ladies: When I say bless you after a sneeze, just say "Thank you" instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
• Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq.
• Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at one time.
• You cannot force anyone to love you. The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in.
• I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.
• If you win a year's supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
• I love watching women's beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
• Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
• Stop killing the buffaloes for their wings!
• I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
• Not every man can post this, but I can. My wife has a wonderful husband.
• I don't understand why people want a relationship when there's pizza.
• To any ex-military that live on my street, I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending. Our 2-year-old has discovered light switches.
• Don't rush me, I'm waiting until the last minute.
• Must be lonely over there on "I'm offended by jokes" island.
• I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
• If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
• I'm so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself. I'm now at the hospital having them removed.
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
• Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
• Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
• There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
• I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
• Of course I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell it to who can't.
• Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
• My husband just said, "Calm down!" like he wants his own Dateline special.
• If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
• When you haven't gone to sleep yet and you're already looking forward to getting home from work tomorrow.
• I prefer my kale with a silent 'k'.
• Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble too.
• I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
• Be honest, you haven't even walked a mile in your own shoes.
• When Hugh Hefner died, no one said, "Now, he's in a better place."
• Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
• Sometimes words just aren't enough. And that's why we have middle fingers.
• Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
• Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
• Guns don't kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
• I'm not always rude. Sometimes I'm sleeping.
• There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
• Nonalcoholic beer is like a porn movie on a radio.
• How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

TOP FIVE SIGNS ELON MUSK MADE YOUR FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER

1. Never carries cash. Always looking for a charging station.
2. Motor Trend Magazine calls him "a high maintenance jerk."
3. Has a strange attraction to weird-shaped trucks
4. Darn backup camera keeps going out
5. Can only walk 300 before needing to be recharged

TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF HAVING A ZOMBIE FOOTBALL TEAM

1. No running game.
2. Instead of going for the ball, they're always going for the brains.
3. When center snaps the ball, it sometimes comes with a hand attached.
4. Tasty pigskin means they go through a lot of balls each game.
5. That's not a fumble. That's a head!

TOP FIVE LIST OF A MUMMY'S FAVORITE MOVIES

1. "Mummy Dearest"
2. Any "Wrap" movie
3. "My Pharoah's Lady"
4. "Throw Mummy From The Train"
5. "Forgetting Sahara Marshall"

TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF BEING A WITCH

1. So few plastic surgeons offer wart lifts
2. Just once you'd like to be offered a steak without someone saying, "They want to burn you on it."
3. Nothing but black in the closet
4. You need 3 eye of newt. Newt only has two eyes.
5. Stores have bike racks, but no broom racks