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Our 1,413th Edition
Friday, March 31st, 2023

Baseball's back! Let the grass grow!

I realized a drawback of Friday. It's the only day of the week that we can't complain that it's not Friday. I think too much.

Finland is hosting a 4-day masterclass in June on how to be happy. I'm assuming afterwards, you'll clap your hands.

They said a suspected tornado touched down in Texas last week? A ‘suspected' tornado? Since when do tornadoes have rights?

A man in Minnesota is being accused of stabbing his wife to death during a Bible study. The words, "Thou shalt not" come to mind...

Daniel Radcliffe and Erin Darke are going to become first-time parents later this year. Time to start getting that room under the stairs ready...

Kiefer Sutherland has a new show on Paramount Plus, called "Rabbit Hole." Just in time for Easter.

The billionaire co-founder of Home Depot Bernie Marcus said that young people are fat, lazy and stupid with no motivation to work. If I was a younger man, I'd threaten to go down and protest if it weren't so much effort.

Baseball season officially begins on Thursday. Let the grass growing begin!

Three out of ten people say they sometimes quit to avoid losing in Monopoly. Oh, c'mon. Accidently knocking the board over is the way to go!

If a friend asks you to be a bridesmaid, it will cost you about $1,700. And if your friend is J-Lo, that would be $1700 each time.

A new study says that Jacksonville, Florida, has the worst drivers in the country. If you were thinking about getting into insurance, avoid Jacksonville like the plague.

They keep talking about how artificial intelligence will take my job. If it's that friggin' intelligent, it wouldn't want it!

What if they invent a 3D printer that can print a printer? It will be so confusing.

Pepsi has their first new logo in 15 years and really, the logo is how I decide which soda I'm going to drink.

This is why I don't work for the government. If I knew Howard Schultz was going to come in and testify, I would be so tempted to give him a name tag with his name spelled wrong. It's a Starbucks thing.

A brewery in Germany has developed an "instant beer." A powder you dump in a glass, add water and you have beer! Non-alcoholic beer, so they still have a huge bug to fix.

PETA is insisting that "crabs are people, too" and you should consider that before eating them. I guess my boss is an argument for their side... .

Baseball starts up again today with some new rules aimed at helping speed up the games. League officials decided not to adopt the proposed, "Hey, let's skip a couple of innings" rule.

An interesting trend in New York City: nude dinner parties. I could just see us being invited and my wife stressing over what not to wear. Julio Rodriguez is a god-send for all those Mariners fans who ponied up big bucks for an Alex Rodriguez jersey years ago and didn't throw it away. They just have to replace that ‘3' with a ‘44'.

I found this list of ways to tell if what you're looking at is an AI fake, but it just disappeared from my phone. And so it begins... .

2 in 3 Americans have said that they can no longer tolerate crowds. This could explain the popularity of the movie, "Cocaine Bear."

A British scientist says that your brain doesn't work as well at 40-thousand feet as it does on the ground. Bad news for commercial airline pilots.

From Facebook:
  • Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should win the lotto, quit my job and be drinking a beer on a beach somewhere.
  • "I'm going to wing it."-Me, about to do something I definitely should not wing.
  • Roses are red, and Facebook is blue. I have no mutual friends; then who are you?
  • I am a liar; trust me.
  • I am not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
  • After Tuesday, the calendar screams WTF.
  • In love with my bed, but my alarm clock is jealous.
  • When you see a man opening the car door for his wife, you can be sure that either the car is new or the wife is!
  • I don't understand why people have to get ready for bed. I'm always ready for bed.
  • The older you get, the uglier you're willing to go out in public.
  • Me: I swear on my life. Friend: I've seen your life. Swear on something else.
  • Trust me. When I woke up this morning, I had no intention of being this sexy.
  • Doesn't everyone have a plastic bag full of more plastic bags in their house?
  • My ex once told me she couldn't live without me and I found out she's still alive. More lies!
  • Snow is less magical on March 25th than it is on December 25th.
  • I'm old. But I'm, like, cool old.
  • The word ‘listen' contains the same letters as the word ‘silent'.
  • Does toilet paper need to advertise? Who is not buying it?
  • Today is the oldest you've ever been and the last time you'll ever be this young.
  • You've reached adulthood when a nap is no longer a punishment, it's a reward.
  • I wish more people were fluent in silence.
  • So, I'm watching a cooking show and the chef says you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the heck is leftover beer?
  • Does a straw have one hole, or two?
  • Bean bags are just boneless sofas.
  • Math is the only place where someone would buy 60 watermelons and 40 cantaloupes, and no one asks any questions.
  • You know, your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
  • Only one sock goes missing because if both did, you wouldn't notice.
  • We all must do our part for the planet. I just unplugged a row of electric cars that no one was using.
  • Interesting that some are calling Michelangelo's statue of David "obscene" when it was originally commissioned to be on display in a church over 500 years ago.
  • My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry at each other. We haven't slept since Tuesday.
  • Just got a message from my printer that I need to replace my Cyan cartridge, completely out of the blue.
  • I don't have a favorite child, but if you went by the photos on my phone, it's the dog.
  • My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  1. Snack Moms must be available for post-game interviews
  2. No more singing "Take me out to the ballgame" when you're already there!
  3. The Count from Sesame Street must do pitch counts for at least one home game
  4. Bat boys and Bat girls must go to the Bat room before the inning starts
  5. Players can only scratch themselves on TV a maximum of 3 times an inning (that alone ought to speed up the game)
  1. Just said over the intercom, "Huh, I wonder what this button does?"
  2. Plaque on wall says he attended the George Santos School of Flying
  3. Wearing button that says, "Almost over my fear of flying"
  4. Flight attendants wearing helmets and parachutes
  5. This jet actually has training wheels
Laugh a little, would ya?

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