You always hear the term, "fully engulfed." Is nothing ever partially engulfed?
We're heading into a week that could best be described as "swelter weather."
Remember, appreciate what you have, while you have it, rather than waiting until you don't have it and wonder where it went.
Best odds for the most awkward Thanksgiving this year-Ricky Martin's house.
Yes, there's a fly in the ointment. I just wish you'd quit asking me what the ointment's for!
Brad Pitt wore a skirt to the premiere of his latest movie in Berlin last week. That reminded me of a friend who started wearing a bra. I asked him, "Bob, how long have you been wearing one of those?" and he said, "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
The car Jason Momoa was driving last weekend got into an accident with motorcyclist last weekend. First question-what's he doing, driving on land?
It's so hot, Josh Hawley was seen walking away from insurrectionists.
Last week in Russia, a 7-year-old was playing chess against a robot when the machine accidentally grabbed one of the kid's fingers and broke it.
- Must have been programmed to be a sore loser.
- This is why they don't use the phrase, "Break a leg" in robot chess.
Covid-19 hurt Graceland so much that Tennessee state-issued bonds tied to tourist revenue have gone into default. Needless to say, operators of the Elvis shrine are "all shook up."
A Delta Airlines jet accidentally clipped another Delta jet at the Miami airport on Sunday. This is why they don't do air shows.
It's cool that Mick Jagger has turned 79 and still has the moves like himself.
Raising Cane's founder Todd Graves bought 50,000 of the Mega Millions lottery tickets and said, if any of them win, he'll split it among the employees. Our boss did something similar. He bought $10 worth of MegaMillions tickets and said if any of those won, he'd send us a postcard.
A new survey says that half of Americans believe they're in danger every day. And, as I've told you before, we have to get those people.
A new study says that having just 4 alcoholic drinks a week changes your brain. To this week's brain cells I lost, "Cheers!"
Another new study says that needing to take afternoon naps may be a sign of poor health. That's why I switched to morning naps.
The good news for Starbucks with that Pacific Northwest heat wave-now, to roast their coffee beans, they just have to put them outside!
And yesterday it was so hot there, it actually sterilized the Space Needle.
You know, it would be a lot easier to eat more Super Foods if they just wore capes.
McDonalds says they're going ahead with their first menu price increase in 14 years. And they're also announced other cutbacks:
- At the drive-through window, they're going to start asking, "Would you like one fry with that?"
- Ronald McDonald being replaced by his less expensive cousin, Donald McDonald.
- Golden Arches being replaced with copper.
- Happy Meals now Moderately Amused Meals.
- Mayor McCheese replaced with Vice-Mayor Velveeta.
Yeah, I'm sad that Tony Dow passed away. Again.
There is a part of me that wonders if the shock of him hearing that he had died was too much for him.
3% of Americans will consume alcohol at lunch today. I prefer to get it over with at breakfast.
Research says you only have 27 seconds to make a first impression on someone. I'm sorry, but I don't do impressions.
Norman Lear blew out 100 birthday candles this week. I blew out a knee. He wins.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE HAD IT WITH THIS HEAT
- Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husband's tools for cheap.
- They should put Prince on the $20 bill. Then you could call it "$19.99-the bill formerly known as 20."
- My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loudly that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.
- My mouth waters every time I smell a steak cooking on the grill. I wonder if the same thing happens to vegans when they mow the lawn.
- Dating at 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item at a thrift shop that doesn't smell.
- There are always two people in every relationship. PARTNER NUMBER ONE: "OK, I have our passports, our tickets and car rental reservation." PARTNER NUMBER TWO: "Great! Where are we going again?"
- Why does the need to pee intensify when you are trying to unlock the door of your home?
- Just be thankful it's not snowing. I mean, imagine shoveling snow in this heat!
- People say I would never get over my obsession with Phil Collins, but take a look at me now!
- She danced as if no one was watching. But of course, they were watching and she looked like she'd had 12 shots of Jack and had walked into a spider web.
- Notice how the newspaper is half the size it used to be. They used to publish both sides of the story.
- If you wear a falconry glove to a park and keep looking to the sky, everyone there with a small dog will leave.
- Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit ‘send'.
- I used to look at my parents and think, "Damn, I can't imagine being that old" and boom! Here I am.
- Retired: I was tired yesterday. I'm tired again today.
- I never realized how sassy I was until I made a miniature version of myself.
- They should announce a sequel to "Groundhog Day" and then just re-release the original.
- WARNING-Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday.
- Marriage tip: Your wife will never start a fight when you're cleaning.
- I tried to say I'm a "functional adult", but my phone changed it to "fictional adult" and I feel that's more accurate.
- I leave my house a mess so that when my friends go home, they feel better about their housekeeping. I'm just that good of a friend.
- I thought it was the dryer that was making my clothes shrink. Turns out, it was the refrigerator.
- It's important-more than ever-to lock the doors of your car. It's the time of year when friends, even family, will try to put a zucchini or two in it!
- I can't afford one of those fancy DNA kits to find out about my relatives. So I just posted that I won the lottery.
- My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty and the cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on.
- Hey Google, don't tell me to "head west" down a road. I don't know what "west" is. I'm not a sea captain.
- It's been one of those days. For three years now. * Paid my rent. Now I have a place to starve.
- I need to get my life together. This weather made me realize I can't go to hell.
- If we're ever in a situation where I am the voice of reason, then we are in deep doo-doo.
- I wake up with a good attitude every day. Then, idiots happen.
- When punishing kids, don't take away their electronics. Take away their chargers and watch the agony, as their battery slowly dies... .
- A shout out to all those people who forgot where their coffee was, while holding it. Mornings are hard. We will survive.
- Remember, some things have to end for better things to begin.
- KID: Dad, what's a forklift? DAD: Usually food, son.
- Two reasons I don't trust people. 1) I know them. 2) I don't know them.
- I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her bedroom drawer and finding a nurse's uniform, a French maid's costume and a police officer outfit, if she can't keep a job, she's not for me.
- If liar's pants really did catch on fire, it would be more fun to watch the news.
- I started taking a Carpenter's class. We haven't built anything yet. We've only just begun...
- If you keep your air conditioner above 75, don't invite me to your terrarium, you lizard!
- Throwing your underwear in the freezer has become a part of your nightly routine
- There's that "I've had it with this heat" tattoo. That's commitment!
- You've got a box fan in your pants
- You took scissors and now every single shirt of yours is a tank top
- Well, for starters, you're sitting in the refrigerator
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S JUST TOO HOT
- The National Weather Service says its too hot to declare a heat advisory
- Fireflies are asking you to put them out
- The thermometer resigned
- I just saw Colonel Sanders fry a chicken on the sidewalk
- My iceberg lettuce just melted
TOP FIVE MOST ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT SUMMER
- Zucchini Drone Drops
- Teasing us with the concept of "Back to School" a month out
- Wading pools that start leaking after their first use
- Co-workers that are anti-deodorant
- Getting stung by a jellyfish and you're not even at the beach
TOP FIVE OBVIOUS SIGNS THERE'S AN EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING IN EFFECT
- Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
- Your sweatpants are sweating and you're not even wearing them!
- Robins catching worms with an Ove Glove
- Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs
- Your thermometer melted
Laugh a little, would ya?