You know, nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
That NASA rover landed safely on Mars and is now in search of a previous life. I remember back before the pandemic when I had a life... .
According to a new survey, 53% of pet owners kiss their dogs more than their sig other. In the words of Lucy, "Ew! Dog germs!"
This is where I hear that those creatures that sniff butts and constantly lick you-know-where are more sanitary than most humans. Not buyin' it!
Tough times continue in Texas: no fresh water, grocery stores bare, power outages, frigid temperatures, Ted Cruz having to cut his vacation short.
Harry and Meghan have officially been kicked out of the Royal Family and will not ever be returning to their previous Royal Duties. On the positive side, at least they don't have to worry about an extremely awkward Thanksgiving dinner.
Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kanye West after 7 years of marriage. Who could have seen that coming?
Possible re-election campaign slogan for Texas Senator Ted Cruz: "Yes, we Can... cun."
The boil water order has been lifted in Texas...
- except for those making hot tea.
- except for Ted Cruze.
I've noticed that my intensity in looking forward to the weekend is at its highest on Mondays.
I'm wondering if Daft Punk broke up because, after 28 years, they were just tired of wearing masks all the time.
A 1933 baseball signed by Babe Ruth sold at an auction last week for 761,000. If you're with a guy right now who just cringed, it's most likely because his mom threw away his collection when he was a kid.
German stars Karla Borger and Julia Sude say they are going to boycott a beach volleyball tournament in Qatar because it is "the only country" where players are forbidden from wearing bikinis on court. I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with the athletes on this one.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she is still suffering effects from her battle with the coronavirus, still having occasional brain fog. Well, as long as her and Iron Man still get along. Really, that's all that matters...
What we need is immediacy and we need it now!
The FDA is getting close to approving the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. I'd settle for even just the Johnson vaccine.
Beware the person who says "their door is always open." Especially if they're a submarine captain.
For that matter, beware the person who says he's on your side. So is appendicitis.
Kroger's felt it was necessary to create Super Kaleidos Sandwich Cookies, which are cookies that taste like fruity breakfast cereal. You'll have no idea what time of day it is. Of course, you don't really know anyway.
For the complete list of COVID-19 scams out there, send $50 in unmarked bills to me, at...
Here’s hoping that the Johnson and Johnson vaccine is a “No More Tears” formula.
Sacha Baron Cohen says his disguise days are over. Or at least, a guy that looks like Sacha Baron Cohen said that.
TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF OWNING A ROBOT DOG
- Got up at 5am, ran for six miles, got home and made a veggie smoothie and then, I don't remember the rest of the dream.
- Been there, done that. Been there several times later as well, because apparently I never learn.
- Now I regret making a good first impression because, honestly, there's no way I can keep that crap up.
- You know it's cold outside when you trip over dog poop, rather than stepping on it.
- What I've learned from the pandemic: you don't necessarily need fun to have alcohol.
- How to break up nicely: I think it's time we take this relationship to the previous level.
- Mars is the only known planet inhabited only by robots.
- How come there is enough asphalt for speed bumps, but not enough to fill potholes?
- If you don't make time for your wellness, you will be forced to make time for your illness.
- What do you mean, Carrot Cake is not a vegetable?
- I hide from people, too. So, I get it, Bigfoot. I get it!
- I just checked my receipt. Nope, I didn't buy any of your B.S.!
- Children are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit weird.
- A new study links drinking coffee to a longer life. At the rate I drink it, I should live forever.
- Wife: What is this pile of clothes doing on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Wife: I hate you. Me: Yes, use the hate.
- I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
- Saw a pack of gummy worms that said "no artificial flavors." Who would want gummy words that taste like real worms?
- The doctor told me not to eat anything fatty. I asked, "Like hamburgers and bacon?" and he replied, "No. Just don't eat anything, fatty!"
- I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never had the chants.
- What's the opposite of Lady Fingers? Mentos.
- You think its bad now? In 20 years, our world will be run by home schoolers that were raised by day drinkers!
- My wife texted me a picture of her in a new dress and asked, "Does this make my butt look big?" Of course, I responded, "Noo!" But as I hit send, auto-correct changed it to, "Moo!" Send help.
- Tonight, we're having Himalayan Rabbit Stew for dinner. We found him a layin on the road.
- I do my own stunts, just not intentionally.
- I don't know who needs to hear this, but today is Friday.
- I have a phobia of German sausage. Yes, I fear the wurst.
- When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it down on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up. You just sit there and think about what you've done.
FIVE EARLY DRAFTS OF EVENTUAL HITS FOR THE BEATLES
- Constantly having to shovel up the batteries in the backyard
- The mailman thinks it was a bad idea to have gotten the laser gun option
- Constantly chasing after the Robo-Cat
- Titanium chew toys are really expensive
- Sees a car drive by, crashes through another window
- "She loves you, yeah, yeah... .oh, wait, she stopped"
- "Let it A"
- "Back in the U.S.S. O"
- "Private Pepper's Lonely Hearts Book Club"
- "Octopus Garter"
OK, I actually wrote this one, submitted it to Radio Online and then changed my mind. However, they opted to make it available to those stations "on the edge." Here you go.
TOP FIVE THINGS NOT TO SAY TO TIGER WOODS RIGHT NOW
- "Would you like a mulligan for that last drive?"
- "Is that a rod in your leg or are you just happy to see me?"
- "Good thing it was a rental."
- "Race ya to the mailbox!"
- "You should have used a driver"