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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,222nd Edition
August 16th, 2019

Over half-way through this month already! Where are the brakes!

A Washington woman posing for a picture with an octopus on her face ended up in the hospital. Isn't "never stick an octopus on your face" part of the common-sense gene?

A year-long traffic study in Boston shows congestion is getting worse. I'm reminded of the old line, "if it weren't so crowded, more people would move there!"

Researchers in Japan say that cats actually understand when you say their name, they're just choosing to ignore you. Further research shows that dogs want their owners to know, "I tried to tell you!"

From Facebook:

  • If Phish toured with Styx, the result would be a Phish Styx tour.
  • Can we stop screwing around and frost the entire Pop Tart? We have the technology.

A woman is suing Wayne Newton, saying that his pet monkey attacked her daughter two years ago. Monkey shame... .darling, monkey shame...

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro has suggested that people "poop every other day" as a way to save the environment. Mr. President, that may help us out in one way, but I think you're going to create a brand-new problem: exploding people.

Donald Trump's aides say his August vacation will center around golf, cable news and Twitter. His presidency does, too, right?

The mansion that was featured in "Gone with the Wind" as Twelve Oaks is up for sale. Offers need to start at $1-million. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

A study says Alaska is the most dangerous state for kids to be online. Well, yeah, they're so focused on Fortnite they didn't notice the polar bear breaking into the house.

The Jets are reportedly auditioning kickers after one preseason game. You'd think being the home of the Rockettes, they could find somebody...

"Jersey Shore" star Vinnie Guadagnino is releasing a Keto cookbook. In weird and more startling news, O.J. Simpson is coming out with a Kato cookbook.

Party City is increasing the number of stores it will close due to the rising cost of helium. Meanwhile, the Helium Store has announced they're shutting down a few of their stores due to a decline in parties.

A Cleveland auto mechanic fulfilled his dream to become a doctor. To celebrate, he's offering a special on the 60-year service.

On Facebook, I saw that the traffic is so bad that Seattle is now one hour away from Seattle.

The University of California at Santa Barbara was rated the top college for drinking liquor. There, if you have a 4.0, that's your nightly drink average.

A Las Vegas strip club owner says he's going to bring some of his strippers to "Invade Area 51 Protest" on September 20th. Just a reminder that, if you are going to take part in the protest, to bring lots of ones.

Another day of the Distraction Challenge, although I don't remember which one.

A study says Americans' booze preferences show liquor is catching up with wine. I love a good race.

Olive Garden is selling lifetime pasta passes for $500. Just a guess on my part, but I'm betting that in the long run, Olive Garden comes out ahead.

A report says leeches are the latest health trend. I'm assuming that doesn't include the brother-in-law that moved in last April.

From Facebook: I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far, it isn't 37.

Astronomers studying the signals coming from space say they have discovered 8 new repeating signals coming from somewhere. Yes, even in space, they have reruns.
 
A survey says 42% of Americans can’t afford to take a vacation. I’m sure if we included “putting gas in the car”, that number would plummet.
 
There’s a company offering a “job” staying three days in the desert without any technology for $1,000. It’s either a unique opportunity or one of the greatest practical jokes of all time.
 
A study says watching sports on TV is good for the health, with viewers’ heart rates increasing as much as 64%. It’s pretty much the only form of exercise I get, but I do exercise a lot!
 
A Florida man sent a woman he was stalking 10,000 disturbing texts over 12 days…shattering the record set by that guy who was sitting behind you the last time you were at a movie theater.
 
Britney Spears’ records show she bought $66,000 of home supplies at Ralph's and Home Depot and, that last year, she went to a Target store 80 times. An investigation is being launched immediately to figure out why I should care.
 

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE GONE OVERBOARD WITH TECHNOLOGY

  1. You use your Google Home to operate your Amazon Echo
  2. Your favorite sport is Roomba Demolition Derbies
  3. You have prescription VR Goggles
  4. You've installed 5 pounds worth of apps on your phone
  5. When you go to the restroom, you make it a Facebook event

TOP FIVE UNNECESSARY PRODUCT DESCRIPTIONS

  1. Single-use Toilet Paper
  2. Wearable gloves
  3. White powdered sugar
  4. Teeth-cleaning Toothpaste
  5. Gluten-free non-GMO water

TOP FIVE LESS OFFENSIVE ROLLING STONES SONG TITLES

  1. I can't get no satisfaction, but I can save 15% by switching to Geico
  2. Sympathy for the Religious Deity of all faiths equally
  3. Honky Tonk Gender of Your Choice
  4. Brown Sweet ‘n Low
  5. Paint it black (with non-lead paint)
Laugh a little, would ya?
 
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