Paying $29.99 to watch a movie on a streaming service I'm already paying for? That's so "Cruella."
A 70-year-old Ohio man who told cops he was a "Trump man" confessed to repeatedly urinating and defecating in front of a neighbor's home because the residents "are Democrats and support Joe Biden." So, I guess we could all those 'Trump Dumps.' Or not.
Russian tennis player Yana Sizikova was arrested in Paris last Thursday, being accused of intentionally throwing a doubles match during last year's French Open. She's currently ranked 765th in the world and this could cause her to drop even more, if she's not already last.
There are three new flavors of Pop-Tarts, so you know: peach cobbler, lemon creme pie, and banana creme pie. Because you can't have enough dessert for breakfast.
Marilyn Monroe's personal cookbooks are going up for auction and are expecting to get upwards of $75,000. I'm shocked. She cooked?
Its all how you look at life. For example, I'm happy knowing that, for the rest of my life, I'll never have to worry about being a victim of skinny-shaming.
Pizza Hut is bringing back their "Edge" pizza. It's a thin crust pizza, with toppings that go all the way to the edge... which then can take your love handles over the edge of your belt.
I don't want to spend my life time-traveling. I just want to hop ahead a week to grab some lottery numbers. I'll be right back.
We're less than two weeks away from Amazon Prime Days. I can feel my credit cards trembling.
A new study says if you have trouble sleeping, you have a higher risk of dying. The phrase, "Yawn and Gone!" comes to mind.
A woman in South Africa has set a new record by giving birth to seven boys and three girls-yes, 10 kids! In a related story, she's told her husband, "Touch me and die."
NBC says there is no way that the upcoming Summer Olympic Games will be canceled. We may end up seeing events like the 50-meter Ventilator Run or maybe even Masketball.
The Keystone Pipeline has now been officially canceled. In response to the announcement, the Keystone Cops went on a zany chase of some clumsy criminals.
After 20 seasons on the E! Network, "Keeping up with the Kardashians" wrapped up last night. However, we won't be Kardashian-free for long. They've already lined up a new series on Hulu. How can we miss you if you won't go away?
It still amazes me that there are people out there that say they're not getting the COVID vaccine because "they don't know what's in there"... .as they eat a Hostess Twinkie.
The New York Times is retracting a story in which they claimed they had proof that watermelons were found growing on Mars. Yes, but was there mustard on them?
I basically consider myself having been hacked by Handsome-ware. Allow me my delusions.
I'm picturing President Biden sitting down with Russia's leader Putin, the President bringing up "Hacks" and Putin saying that, "Jean Smart really nailed it."
Wow. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" is celebrating its 40th anniversary this year. Of course, you heard they're working on one more of those movies, "Indiana Jones And the Early Bird Buffett of Death."
- That's a horrible idea! What time?
- The cashier told me, "Strip down, facing me." By the time I realized he meant the debit card, it was too late.
- When you garden naked, your neighbors will build a privacy fence at no cost to you.
- Remember: I before E. Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.
- I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
- Dear morning people, honest question-what's wrong with you?
- Today I bought a donut without sprinkles. Diets are hard.
- I finally did it! I bought a pair of shoes with Memory Foam Insoles in them. No more forgetting why I walked into a room.
- Because I am an awesome, amazing parent, I'm currently helping my kids search for their chocolate that I ate last night.
- I wish I could love exercise as much as I enjoy drinking wine and eating everything.
- Did you know that if you put your ear up against a stranger's leg, you can hear them say, "What the hell are you doing?"
- I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.
- I'm not a hot mess. I'm a spicy disaster.
- About to pull the steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me.
- I don't always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I'm usually at work.
- Hackers need to step up their game and delete everyone's loans, bad credit and mortgages.
- Am I the only one running out of people I like?
- In my entire life, I never once read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent or put glue in my hair. Somehow, I just knew.
- If you unfriend me and later decide to send me another friend request, there will be a $29.99 re connection fee.
- Do you ever feel like your body's "Check engine" light is on and you keep driving and think, "Oh, it'll be fine."
- My new voicemail message: "If you have reached this recording, please text me. I haven't checked my voicemail since 2005."
- Not everyone can be the queen. Some of you will have to sit on the curb and wave as I go by.
- I just blocked someone for posting that "Chocolate Chip Cookies suck!" I'm not messing around today.
- Look, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me. Don't come at sober me because we weren't there. We don't know what happened.
- If your path demands that you walk through hell, walk as if you own the place.
- Due to the sick and twisted nature of the people in this group, I am not leaving.
- I keep trying to make protein shakes, but they keep coming out as Margaritas.
- Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions.
- There really should be a reality cooking show-with worn out pans, dull knives and half the dishes you need in the dishwasher.
- I often wonder who Pete is and why we do so many things for his sake.
- We all have to be brave in our own way. For example, I am absolutely fearless when it comes to cookie dough.
- On a t-shirt: "She's eating for two, I'm drinking for three."
- I know I don't have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with-I just hate to be wasteful.
TOP FIVE WAYS TO TICK ME OFF
- Make Decaf. No one puts decaf in this cup.
- Ask, "Hey, you wanna talk politics?"
- Kiddingly say, "Can you believe it's Friday already?" (unless it really is)
- Give me a fake winning lottery ticket
- First, there's that "Happy Monday" crack
TOP FIVE EXAMPLES OF HOW YOU ARE REALLY BEHIND THE TIMES
- It has to be the fact you own a rotary dial cell phone
- How you always complain about how hard it is to find a payphone
- Next, let's talk about that pager
- You just joined MySpace
- OK, we're going to start with that AOL account
Laugh a little, would you??