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Our 1,369th Edition
Friday, May 13th, 2022

Yes.....FRIDAY THE 13th!!!

A new study says that chili peppers could be the key to beating all kinds of cancers. Maybe I should invest in Tums...

Like mom always said, "Stop quoting me!"

Employees at a Nespresso factory in a Swiss town discovered more than 500 kilograms of cocaine in bags of coffee beans from Brazil. (Strange, at home he never asks for a second cup)

Life is short, but seasons of Outlander are much shorter.

Robo calls increased by over 600-million from February to March. And that was just to MY HOUSE!

NASA is planning on launching nude images into space as part of its latest attempt to make contact with other intelligent life in the universe. And if it turns out the aliens are hostile, they're planning to send out nude pictures of me........Hey, wait a minute!

You know, I really don't want to sound like a broken record here, but ku-click, ku-click, ku-click, ku-click, ku-click, ku-click.......

Seattle has already received more than its average May rainfall. When we asked residents what they thought of all that rain, we couldn't understand them through their snorkels.

After weeks of protests, the Prime Minister of Sri Lanka has resigned. For those of you searching for an executive position... .

The new Dr. Strange movie pulled in $185-million over the weekend...in this universe. Not sure how it did in the others.

Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria are expecting their 7th child together. Someone desperately needs a TV set.

Russell Wilson and his wife Ciara have welcomed a new member to their family--a dog they've named "Bronco." That dog may never know how close he came to being named "Seahawk."

The Oregon romance novelist who authored the fiction work "How to Murder Your Husband" is being accused of killing her husband in real life. I'm sorry, that one doesn't count, detectives. Too easy.

Andy Warhol's colorized photo of Marilyn Monroe sold at auction this week for $195-million. Yeah, that's why we didn't bother telling you about the auction.

The new Omicron variant spreading around the country is called B.A.2.12.1. All I know is that the B.A. doesn't stand for what it did back in high school.

Cast members of "The Wonder Years" reboot say that Fred Savage was ruthless on the set. In an amazing coincidence, on another show, cast members are saying that Fred Ruthless was savage.

Tesla is recalling 130,000 vehicles because their screens can go blank. Wow, I have something in common with a Tesla.

Congress is going to hold their first open hearings on UFOs in 50 years next week. I wonder if these will be beamed back to the mothership?

Police are accusing rapper Young Thug of being involved in gang-related activity. Years from now, he may need to rebrand himself as Old Inmate.

Prosecutors say that former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson will not face criminal charges after he was recorded punching a fellow passenger aboard a plane at San Francisco International Airport last month. It pretty much came down to, "You tell him!", "No, YOU tell him!" until they decided to just forget about it.

Denver Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson has adopted a new dog he named, "Bronco."

  • That dog will probably never know just how close he was to being named Seahawk.
  • It was between Bronco and 'Dagger in Seattle's Heart'. I'm glad he went with the kinder choice.

Bill Gates says he has tested positive for COVID. Just the usual symptoms: slight headache, stuffy nose, computer that keeps freezing up... ..

The Oklahoma City Zoo has announced that their 14-year-old chimpanzee Nia is pregnant. No word yet if Alec Baldwin was involved.

The new drink at Starbucks, a Chocolate Cold Brew, is supposed to taste like melted chocolate ice cream. Of course, you'd probably be able to get a whole half-gallon of chocolate ice cream for what you'd pay for that drink, then just leave it on the counter.

Apple says they're going to stop making iPods. So where am I supposed to listen to my Destiny's Child?

My goal is to wake up every morning and....actually, that's it.

A team of treasure hunters believe they've found a huge stash of looted gold and valuables underneath a palace used as a brothel by Hitler's SS, worth over $245-million. And my high school counselor laughed at me when I said I wanted to become a treasure hunter.

Does anyone remember far enough back to when Andy Dick was funny?

A former punter for the Jacksonville Jaguars is suing the team, saying that former coach Urban Meyer created a "hostile work environment." Looking at their record that year, he wasn't hostile enough.

It's Friday the 13th, the unluckiest day of the year. Tough day for the Cincinnati Reds, who have nowhere to go.

From Facebook:
  • When I die, I know one of my grandkids will lean over my coffin and say, "Can I play a game on your phone?"
  • I envy people who grow old gracefully, like a fine wine. I'm like milk, just getting sour and chunky.
  • My birth stone is a coffee bean.
  • I'm not saying coffee solves all my problems, but I'm pretty sure it stops me from creating new ones.
  • "He who is without oil shalt throw the first rod"-Compressions 8.7:1
  • TO MY CHILDREN: Don't make fun of me when I have a question about my cell phone. I once taught you how to use a spoon.
  • Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is 8 bath towels and not 48 pieces of small human clothes.
  • Don't send texts when you're angry. Wait a bit. Have a drink. Talk to friends about it. Get yourself really wound up. THEN, send a text.
  • I went to a beekeeper to buy 12 bees. He counted out 13. I pointed out that he gave me an extra and he replied, "That's a freebie."
  • One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. But today, it will be alcohol.
  • I never dreamed that I would grow up to be a grumpy old man, but here I am-killing it!
  • The longest drum solo every performed was 10 hours and 26 minutes by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from L.A. to Tokyo.
  • I wish pets lived longer, life wasn't so expensive, cake didn't make you fat and people weren't idiots.
  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
  • I feel sorry for Judge Alito. He keeps writing ‘1850' on all of his checks.
  • I think my car needs an alignment because it keeps pulling toward the liquor store.
  • Is it OK to take the bag out of the box of wine and stab a straw in it so its like a giant Capri Sun? Asking for a friend.
  • I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross while the conductors are all screaming hysterically.
  • If a lama with one L is a holy man in Tibet, and a llama with two L's is an animal, what is a three L lama? A fire in Boston.
  • COP: You were going pretty fast. ME: I was just trying to keep up with traffic. COP: There is no traffic. ME: See how far behind I am?
  • I need a Maycation: I may come back, I may not.
  • FRIEND: Saw a guy at the gym today do 50 straight pushups. Think you could do that? ME: Oh, I'll bet I could have watched him do 100.
  • Personally, I feel that a clean house is a sign of a wasted life.
  • For $5, you can get your girl 2 flowers from a florist, or an entire Costco rotisserie chicken. The choice is yours.
  • I love how coffee tricks you into thinking you're in a good mood for like 32 minutes.
  • We are in the midst of the longest, saddest and excruciating and unsatisfying "I told you so" in the history of the world.
  • Tips on improving concentration: Make a list of tasks. Take on one task at a time. Take on Me was a fun song. Ooh, I found the video.
  • Next Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.
  • Book Hangover: Inability to start a new book, because you're still living in the last book's world.
  • Some days, I feel like I could conquer the world. Others, it takes me three hours to talk myself into a shower.
  • I would have paid money to have Judge Judy handle the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard case.
  • Campers: Please let your children know that if they get lost in the woods, remain calm and begin talking about politics. Someone will be by shortly to argue with them.
  • Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts and feeling your nuts.


  1. The stuff you donated to Goodwill-they brought back!
  2. You have furniture, but each piece is located under a pile
  3. Neighbors put their junk mail in your mailbox because they know you won't toss it
  4. Someday, you hope to open a junk mail museum
  5. Well, let's start with that egg carton collection


  1. You're chewing nails. Not fingernails, real nails.
  2. Your hair is throbbing
  3. Your memory is getting worse
  4. Your memory is getting worse
  5. Your doctor says you need to give up everything

Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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