Aaron Rogers is said to have told the Green Bay Packers that he does not want to return to the team. I'm sorry. I meant, "Who doesn't want to play with Green Bay ever again?"
Halle Berry is laughing off the comments being made about her hair at the Oscars. Oh, Halle, we weren't laughing about you. We were laughing AT you.
Apparently, we're experiencing a chicken shortage, especially wings. Thank God it's happening AFTER March Madness. There are those crying fowl.
A town in Australia is dealing with an invasion of parrots. If your name is Pauley or you just bought some crackers, I'd avoid that country for a while.
President Biden's "Families Plan" is supposed to be funded by raising the taxes on rich people. Those poor rich people.
Will Smith says he's in the worst shape of his life. Wow, I have something in common with Will Smith!
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are celebrating 33 years of marriage. Wow, 33 happy years... .well, except for that brief time he left her to spend time on an island with a volleyball.
A new study says that 95% of Americans will believe just about everything. Did you believe that? I just made that up.
You know, everyone is waiting for things to get back to normal. What about those of us who weren't normal to begin with?
Some states are really relaxing their COVID restrictions. New York Governor Cuomo said that they're taking a giant step forward. Isn't that what got him in trouble?
Bill and Melinda Gates have announced they're divorcing. That's right, girls, he'll soon be single.
Bill and Melinda Gates announced they are getting divorced. In a related story, two Seattle attorneys got really, really drunk that night.
Channing Tatum has written a children's book, called "The One and Only Sparkella." He's also already said "No" to the question, "Will you read it to you with your shirt off?"
Mark Wahlberg has packed on 20 pounds over the last three weeks for an upcoming movie role. Like that's challenging.
Chinese President and Communist Party General-Secretary Xi Jinping has claimed a new title which indicates a promotion, called "Helmsman". Back in my day, the Helms Man was a bakery truck driver. (in So Cal, they had a bakery called Helms that actually drove trucks through neighborhoods to sell baked goods)
The CDC says that births in the U.S. fell for the sixth consecutive year to the lowest levels since 1979. That makes the U.S. birth rate so low, the nation is "below replacement levels," meaning more people die every day than are being born. Take that, boss! He's always telling me I can be replaced.
A new study says that sleeping 6-7 hours a day is great for the heart. I'd probably be able to get that if my stupid boss didn't keep waking me up.
What's the deal with air fryers? Like I'd eat fried air. Can't imagine there'd be much flavor.
A woman in Mali gave birth to NINE kids this week. My God, that's a baseball team!
Of course, shortly after their birth, she uttered those three very important words to her husband--"Don't touch me!"
So apparently, Bill Gates was allowed to spend a weekend every year with his former girlfriend. Who knew the Gates were open?
New York City says they're going to offer free vaccine shots for tourists. Their complimentary muggings will also continue.
A new study says that humans being touched by robots makes them happier. Tell that to John Connor.
I can't wait to see the look on mom's face on Sunday when she opens up that weed whacker.
In Minnesota, a movie theater snack bar worker was arrested for dealing drugs from the snack bar. He was able to get away with it for quite a while, as $100 for a soda and a large popcorn wasn't that suspicious.
- Look what COVID has done. I'm at a place where running errands counts as going out!
- I don't mean to brag, but I just went into the other room and remembered why I was there. OK, it was the bathroom, but still.....
- Yesterday, I tried on something I bought five years ago and it still fit! OK, it was a scarf. But still, let's be positive here.
- My superpower is picking the slowest moving line at the grocery store.
- No, I can't do Snapchat or TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do math without a calculator and tell time on a clock with hands on it.
- If you're ever having a day where it's tough finding the joy, remember potatoes. Potatoes can be chips, fries or vodka. Potatoes are great.
- One minute you're young and wild and the next thing you know, you're an ] active member of an air fryer group on Facebook.
- Have you noticed that people won't take the time to look up important information, but they will spend 15 minutes taking a quiz to find out what kind of potato they are.
- You are entering a writer's house. Whatever happens here goes into my next book.
- Parenting is basically an 18-year long episode of "Survivor."
- Instead of saying, "Have a nice day", I say, "Have the day you deserve." Then I just karma sort all that stuff out.
- Age is just a number, until you start feeling it.
- Some of you are too young to know how it feels to take a ton of pictures and then find out two weeks later they all sucked.
- I asked my daughter if she could get me the phone book. She called me a dinosaur and handed me her iPhone. Long story short-the spider is dead, her phone is broken and she's mad.
- Apparently, its rude to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a 'rescue'.
- Important lesson learned from 2021. If vodka doesn't fix the problem, you're not using enough vodka.
- Telling your suitcase there's no vacation this year can be tough. Nothing worse than emotional baggage.
- Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.
- Be nice to your friends. They have photographic evidence of your eyebrows back in high school.
- Most people are jerks. Don't believe me? The next time you're in a crowd of people, yell out, "Hey, jerk!" and see how many people turn around.
- So, the Queen of England is newly single and Bill Gates suddenly announced he's getting divorced. Interesting...
- There are two types of people in this world. Those who say, "Oh, big stretch" when a dog stretches, and sociopaths.
- I really need to get back into shape, but I'm waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put in the effort.
- Onion rings are basically vegetable donuts.
- Worry is a waste of creative thinking.
- Have you ever noticed that anyone driver slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
- To these athletes thinking that we are listening to them: if I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball, I'd ask my dog.
- I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It was over 3 days, but still...
- The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware container lid, because no one would ever be able to find it.
- Here's an idea: A reality show where billionaires have to live off the salary of their lowest-paid employee.
- Dear Mother-in-law, please stop telling me how to raise my kids. I live with one of yours and I've seen your work.
- The older I get, the more I find myself involuntarily hissing like a vampire when I walk into the bright sun.
- I just now realize why they call this month May. It may rain. It may snow. It may be 70 degrees. It may be 20 degrees.
- Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on Facebook.
- Thank you for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR MASSAGE THERAPIST ISN'T VERY GOOD
- Her table is set up at a Jiffy Lube
- She claims that standing massages are the newest thing
- Keeps looking at clock and complains that this is taking forever
- She's using Penzoil. Is that normal?
- Every time she touches you, she says, "Ew!"
TOP FIVE NEW NAMES OF ATTRACTIONS AT THE RECENTLY RE-OPENED DISNEYLAND
- Six Feet of Space Mountain
- Pirates of the Vaccinate 'Em
- The Mark Twain Hospital Boat
- It's a Contagious World After All
- Big Splash of Hand Sanitizer Mountain
Laugh a little, would you??