Our 1,185th Edition
November 9th, 2018
Don't forget--this is the weekend we leave the clock the hell alone!
Right now is an hour earlier than it was last week at this time. Just sayin'...
President Trump says he tells the truth, "when I can." The thing is, he doesn't can as much as he used to... but when he does, it's usually peaches.
The owner of the last Howard Johnson's restaurant has been jailed for sexually harassing employees. And boy, is his roof red.
I hear it's been scientifically proven that those "I voted" buttons make you look even sexier!
The most annoying part of the switch back to Standard Time: that person who constantly says, "But you, it's actually... ." And gives the time an hour from now.
Can I just say, with the blonde hair, doesn't Pete Davidson look more and more like Ellen?
A woman wearing an oversized dog's head costume robbed a convenience store in Texas. In the woman's defense, it was the head of an emotional support dog.
A new study says decorating early for Christmas makes people happier. Note to Costco-June is TOO early!
I think for the next Academy Awards, they should have Alec Baldwin run the car valet service. That would be fun.
Rebel Wilson has apologized for a comment that has brought her under fire. Last week on the "Ellen" show, she called herself the "first-ever plus-sized girl to be the star of a romantic comedy." Apparently, last week was a slow week for controversy.
I'm just so happy to get away from the bickering and the bitterness of the elections and move on to how this year's Starbucks Holiday Cups offend me.
Brazil's new president has declared war on "fake news" and he's ordered scientists to develop a fake news canon. OK, we made that second part up.
Matthew McConaughey says he auditioned for Leonardo DiCaprio's role in "Titanic." I'm just imagining Matthew's famous line from the film, "All-ice, all-ice, all-ice!"
A study says domestic beer is the least polarizing product in America. Hey, can't we all just get a lager?
Oh-oh. I just got a warning from me about identify theft!
The TSA is predicting that this will be the busiest Thanksgiving travel season ever. Pretty much, if you're planning to fly in the next couple of weeks, be sure and wear what you'd want to have on when they do that closeup shot of you on the news stranded at an airport.
So, the Democrats took over the house. It'll be nice to see some young, fresh faces in congress. Who's going to be speaker again?
A new study says that people over 40 should only work three days a week. How long have I been saying that? At least, since I turned 40...
Bill Gates says he aims to save $233-billion by reinventing the toilet. I had no idea he had such intestinal issues.
A Powerball winner in Iowa has claimed her $344-million winning prize, some of which she will use to set up a charity. I don't know the name of this long-lost relative but I can't wait to meet him... .uh, her.
7-Eleven is going to start experimenting with scan and pay at several stores. They actually have Grab and Go at all of their stores, but that's just from people who don't pay.
President Trump fired his attorney general, Jeff Sessions. I haven't been this surprised since the sun came up.
Samsung is showing off a prototype of their new foldable phone. That's what this country needs-a phone we can fold-up so we can forget its in our pants until after we've done the laundry.
Up north here, we're losing three minutes of daylight every day. Three minutes of daylight AND my car keys! This has already been a tough day!
Researchers say they have discovered the world's oldest painting in a cave in Borneo. The really interesting part is that it appears to show four T-Rex's at a table, playing poker.
MIT is proposing shooting laser beams into space to attract aliens. Apparently, no one at MIT has ever seen a science fiction movie.
TOP FIVE THINGS THE PILGRIMS NEVER SAID
- "I'm Miles Standish and I doth approve this message"
- "Dibst on the wishgone!"
- "Just doeth it"
- "Let's Maketh North America Great Again"
- "It's throweth back Thursday!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THOSE SEATS YOU BOUGHT TO THE BIG GAME ARE REALLY HIGH UP
- When a plane flies over, you have to duck
- Part of your seat duties-you have to change a light bulb if one goes out
- Common drawback of that section-nosebleeds
- The emotional support goat section is right below yours
- They're above the timberline