Thank you, Amazon, for making me sick and tired of the Beatles' song, "In My Life."
I have to say, with everything that has happened with our government this year, "Stranger Things" just doesn't seem as strange as it used to...
It takes the average person 8 seconds to answer the phone. Even less when caller ID says, "Spam Likely."
I'm training for when they finally make wine-tasting an Olympic sport. You know, white for the summer games, red for the winter.
According to a new survey, 56% of dog owners believe their dog is their soulmate. I have to say, my dog and I have a deep connection. We met on Fetch.
I don't mean to sound like life is slipping past me, but was Thanksgiving last week?
While leaving the stadium on Sunday after their win against Minnesota, the Seahawks team bus was attacked by someone throwing rocks. They know it was a Vikings fan, as three of the rocks were intercepted.
GasBuddy says the average price of a gallon of gasoline has slipped below $3 a gallon. Now all I have to do is drive to Texas to fill up.
42% of adults under the age of 30 do not know how to do prepare a spaghetti dinner. C'mon. It's simple! First you open a can of Spaghetti-O's....
The number one thing that will put you into a bad morning mood is when you spill something on yourself. It's why I've gone to just chewing coffee grounds...
Holiday money-saving tip: Block or Unfriend as many relatives as you have on your Facebook.
Yes, Netflix has a new documentary coming out on Diddy. That's true. What isn't true is that it is sponsored by Johnson's Baby Oil.
A study says that swearing at work actually helps to relieve stress. However, swearing at your boss actually reduces paychecks.
Mattel says that Barbie has had over 200 jobs. Just can't seem to hang on to them...
According to a new survey, 47% of people think that cleaning up is the worst part of the holiday season. In an amazing coincidence, 47% of people have never met my in-laws.
During your lifetime, the average person will consume 35 tons of food. That's roughly equal to 7 elephants. You know what's the toughest part about eating an elephant? Finding an amazon driver that's willing to deliver it.
It always hurts when the holiday season is over. Usually, from stepping on Legos.
Something's wrong when our current world conditions are weirder than the latest season of "Stranger Things."
Something new at McDonald's -- McShaker fries! You get the fries and a special seasoning that you put in a McShaker bag and shake up! They're sort of the self-checkout line of fast food.
Just so you know, we've decided against doing our latest promotion. Yes, we were going to give away a Venezuelan Speedboat Cruise, but we decided, at least for now, it wouldn't be a good idea. And after so many listeners told me that, if they won, they'd give it to me....
16% of apprehended shoplifters have stolen energy drinks. You'd think if they were drinking a lot of those, they'd be faster.
I don't want to live forever. I just want to stick around long enough to be a burden to my children.
32% of people have lied to get out of a wedding. I tried lying, but I still ended up marrying her.
Experts say the three things that must be in every stuffed stocking: Something essential, some kind of novelty item, and nothing valued over $10. Sounds like mini-booze bottles to me!
From Facebook:
- Not to brag, but there are a lot of movies out there that have watched me sleep.
- I have two reactions when I leave the house. 1) Ewww, weather and 2) Ewww, people!
- Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter, either.
- When I'm down, I like to call in sick to places I don't work at.
- My wildest fantasy? 14 hours of sleep and then a breakfast buffet.
- Remember, it's not a good deal if you don't really need it.
- Every time I start to eat healthy, then comes along Thanksgiving, Christmas, Friday, Summer or the weekend and just ruins it!
- Quit thinking you're all that. You're not even all there!
- Me: Why is there a tobacco tax? Friend: So people smoke less. Me: So, why is there an income tax?
- If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.
- I can't believe viruses and bacteria can invade my body without permission. That makes me sick.
- I love how beautiful snow looks from Hawaii.
- Ready for Christmas? I'm not even ready for today!
- 4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
- Whoever said I can't cook has never tasted my cereal before.
- ME: (in hospital) How did I get here? NURSE: Your wife asked what was on TV, and you replied, "Dust."
- I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you: the more you have, the longer you live.
- Cranberries without vodka? Must be Thanksgiving.
- I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache, and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
- Don't tick me off this week. I swear, I'll give your phone number to every child I see and say, "Here. Give Santa a call!"
- Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas trees and I'm over here thinking, "You know, I really should scrape those rotten pumpkins off the porch."
- I don't have an Advent calendar, so I'm in the kitchen, just randomly opening cupboard doors and eating what's ever in there.
- Today, I ate the rest of my Halloween candy while heating my Thanksgiving leftovers and listening to Christmas music.
- Dating hack: If you have a crush on a guy, get to know him and it will go away.
- Are your kids misbehaving? For $100, I'll come over dressed as the Grinch and throw your tree out the window!
- Wrapping presents is folding laundry's cousin.
- I don't understand. But I also don't care, so it works out.
- It's a pretty hectic holiday season, so if you could just post something to offend yourself, I would appreciate it.
- Be your own Secret Santa with alcohol and Amazon.
- I've been on Facebook since 2008. I can remember when this was all farmland.
- Acronym for SNOW: Stuff No One Wants.
- It's a great time of year because when people try to come into a room, you can yell out, "Don't come in here!" and they'll think you're wrapping presents. When actually, you just want to drink wine in private and not share your chocolates.
- I heard if you drink every day, then you're an alcoholic. That's why I only drink at night.
- I'm at the age where if you call me at 10:17pm, I'm calling you back at 5:24am.
- You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him use a straw.
- Before you marry someone, find out if their family drinks Mimosas on holiday mornings or runs a 5K.
- What if they aren't stars at all, but holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?
- I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.
- There's nothing like the smell of fresh-brewed magical psychotic rage stabilizer in the morning...
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY OVER DID IT ON CYBER MONDAY
- You've been nominated for the prestigious Most Maxed Out Credit Card Award
- During your latest delivery, your porch collapsed
- Amazon actually sent you a personal message that said, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Slow down!
- Dave Ramsey has named an overspending syndrome after you
- You bought several things, not even knowing what they are
TOP FIVE WORRIES OF SANTA'S ELVES
- Being replaced by Robo-Elves
- Being stepped on by you-know-who
- Incontinent reindeer
- First elf president won't happen in their lifetimes
- Truth be told: Herbie is a lousy dentist
BLITZEN'S TOP FIVE PET PEEVES
- Dancer and Prancer constantly listening to Lady Gaga songs.
- Being stuck behind Dasher after a big bean dinner
- Rudolph always bragging about his big contract extension
- Two words: North Korean air space
- How the other reindeer have turned his name into a verb: "Hey everybody, let's go get Blitzen'd."
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU WON'T BE GETTING A CHRISTMAS BONUS THIS YEAR
- The name of the boss's new boat: "2025 Employee Bonuses"
- The CFO just started a GoFundMe for office supplies.
- Boss sent you out to buy gift bags big enough to hold a bag of Fritos
- You can't prove it, but it appears the company is now stealing your pens
- Jelly of the Month Club has filed for bankruptcy
Laugh a little, would ya?
