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Our 1,481st Edition
Friday, July 19th, 2024

And if you don't think this isn't getting tougher every week....

My superpower is being able to melt an ice cube, just by staring at it.

The annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain, wrapped up yesterday. Every day at 8am, you had the opportunity to join hundreds of people running along with six huge bulls. That's why I was here, not there.

Forever Stamps were 68-cents. Today, they've gone up to 73-cents. How messed up is that? Not even 68-cent Forever Stamps are forever!

One in 7 people say they actually enjoy awkward situations. Well, this is awkward. Hey, that IS nice!

5% of people who have a dishwasher never use it. And they walk among us...

Dr. Ruth Westheimer died over the weekend at the age of 96. Ironically, while thinking about baseball.

You know, they say "all-terrain tires." Terrains don't have tires, they run on tracks!

The cost of a first-class postage stamp is now 73 cents. This may make me reconsider -- wait a minute! Who writes letters?

You know, I'd be able to spend a lot more if my boss didn't keep interrupting me during Amazon Prime Days.

Krispy Kreme has rolled out a new collection of donuts inspired by the 2024 Summer Olympics. Yeah, when I think of the Olympics, I think of donuts.

Actually, aren't the five circles in the Olympics logo just skinny donuts?

I'm just waiting for the day that someone younger asks me, "So, what was the name of that show that Jennifer Aniston was in before 'The Morning Show'?"

The Stop and Shop grocery chain is closing down stores in five states. More stopping, less shopping.

You know, I was trying to check out Project 2025 and I can't find a single one of their songs!

Former President Trump picked Senator J.D. Vance as his running mate. Of course, Vance, from Ohio, one of five crucial swing states. This is why Trump wanted to pick 5 vice-presidents.

I admit, there's a part of me expecting President Biden to announce that he's choosing Kamala Harris as his vice-president.

So, former President Trump has chosen his vice-president. Now, auditions are underway for cabinet positions.

Michigan's Governor Whitmer has signed a new law into effect that makes it a 15-year felony to have sex with a dead human body. So, you're telling me, up until now, in Michigan it was just an extremely bad idea?

That's not what they're talking about when they say, "Go Blue," right?

56% of Americans say they are great at using social media. Not to brag, but I'm an expert at Facetwit.

14% of people admit to standing someone up on a date. Of those people, 85% of them stood me up.

I'm challenging myself this year for Amazon Prime Day to buy only things I actually need. So far, I'm failing miserably.

New York leads the nation in the highest malpractice awards. That explains why the new state motto is, "So, sue me!"

A study says that men with a waist size of 43" or larger have a higher risk of death....as do the people they sit on.

According to one study, men can reduce their risk of a stroke by shaving every day. Which, of course, makes me wonder how Santa has survived all these years....

I'm worried that people are forgetting what Prime Day is all about, and those we lost who made it possible.

Maybe it comes with age, but I'm getting less and less concerned about missing a killer deal from Amazon. I actually only shopped the first 36 hours of Prime Day.

The average guy says he has five jokes. Being a listener to this show, that seems like a lofty goal, doesn't it?

A study says more attractive people get more sleep. I guess that explains why I'm always tired.

A nearly complete Stegosaurus skeleton was bought at an auction this week for $44-million. Not including assembly. It's like a prehistoric IKEA nightmare!

From Facebook:
  • It's what's on the inside that counts. Except chocolate-covered raisins.
  • You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died!
  • I hate when TV shows say they contain "adult situations," but then don't show anyone going to work, paying bills or cleaning up after their kids.
  • Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
  • How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
  • Ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?
  • I got passed by a Prius on the freeway and now I'm legally required to pee sitting down.
  • I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn't work out.
  • Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
  • You're about as useless as a red light in Grand Theft Auto!
  • Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  • For the record, "Boobytrap" spelled backwards is "Partyboob!"
  • PRO NAPPING TIP: Tell the kids to wake you up in 30 minutes so that you can all clean the house. Works every time.
  • Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
  • I think I'm allergic to mornings.
  • I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
  • I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
  • Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
  • I'm so broke that I can't even pay attention!
  • Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!" ... He in fact did.
  • Apparently, I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
  • You know you're getting old when you look at the time to see if it's late enough to go to bed.
  • A study needs to be done on these kids wearing hoodies in 100-degree weather.
  • My level of sarcasm has reached the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not
  • Sleeping-in could easily be my superpower if it weren't for my arch-nemesis, needing to pee.
  • Not to brag, but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
  • It takes a really special person to wake up early and still be late.
  • Women have closets full of 'I have nothing to wear.'
  • Winning isn't everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
  • I love a room with a fireplace. It sets the tone for a romantic evening drinking wine, slow dancing, burning evidence...
  • Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
  • Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
  • I'm to the point where I really don't see the need for pants the rest of this day.
  • I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
  • They say a single ant can live to be 29 years old. A married one only lasts 10 years.
  • I think we need to give a big shout out to the Foo Fighters. I can't even tell you the last time I was threatened or even saw a Foo. Thanks for all you're doing.
  • Pro tip: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
  • A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "What's with the paper towel!" and the pirate replies, "I've got a Bounty on me head."
  • You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
  • If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
  • Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
  • If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
  • Whenever I hear someone say "STOP" my brain says "Hammer Time"
  • There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren't invited to.
  • Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
  • The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
  • I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
  • Rough sex would be a lot better if I wasn't alone.
  • I'm not sure what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.
  • I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
  • When people have cars as their profile picture, I automatically presume they are a Transformer.
  • When I say, "Go make yourself at home," I mean, "Go wash my dishes."
  • Just rolled over for a cuddle. Forgot I was single. Fell off the bed.
  • I'm so single right now, if I win a trip for two, I'm going twice!
  • Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
  • You know you had a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
  • Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor's guessing.
  • Wouldn't it be great-just once-after you confess your sins, to hear a priest say "Been there, done that!"?
  • If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call.
  • What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
  • In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
  • They say you are what you eat. But I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.
  • The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
  • I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
  • I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
  • I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
  • Which wine goes best with more wine?


  1. As you take off, he says, "I hope you have really good insurance. I don't."
  2. He makes the offer: "Want a helmet?"
  3. He asks, "Are you into speed limits?"
  4. He says, "Help me find the horn"
  5. He asks, "Do you know where we are?"


  1. They answer the phone with, "That's not covered. May I help you?"
  2. They offer a "free leeches" program
  3. You have to use an in-network witch doctor
  4. Your policy has a $2-million deductible
  5. There's a skull and crossbones in their logo


  1. Amazon tossed in the frame for free!
  2. That personal thank you note from Jeff Bezos will look nice in a frame.
  3. Your VISA is still smoldering
  4. Your credit card balance has exceeded the national debt of Venezuela
  5. The Amazon delivery people needed a bigger truck
Laugh a little, would ya?

PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!

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