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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,331st Edition
Friday, October 15th, 2021

Where no man has WACK'd before

They say that tomorrow, William Shatner will become the oldest person to ever travel to space. Well, to be clear, the oldest human...

Levi's says that "casual comfort" is the new norm and it's here to stay. Well, yeah, once I reach "wearing pants" level.

The Seattle Mariners have bought the Pyramid Brewery across the street from their stadium. If you're a long-time Mariners fan, you'll understand why.

Adele says her new album will explain her divorce to her young son. I suppose it's one way to avoid a conversation.

A Columbus Day Poem: Long ago, he sailed the sea, To seek new lands, with his ships 3. Columbus did this, not knowing he... .Would one day be considered non-PC

California Gov. Gavin Newsom has signed a bill requiring large retailers to provide gender-neutral toy sections. Of course, Barbie's pal, Ken, was the first one in.

I'm wondering if they'll make Pink change her name because it reinforces stereotypes.

Can a Gender Reveal Party Sabotage Kit be far behind?

Southwest Airlines is apologizing for canceling 24% of their flights on Saturday and 39% of their flights on Sunday. Passengers who had to wait in line for hours to find out the status of their flights said it was just as bad as having to wait to board a Southwest Airlines flight.

It bothers me that Facebook keeps reminding me about stories from two years ago. Not that they're doing it, but that, to be honest, I really didn't remember.

Prince Charles says that his Aston Martin runs on a biofuel made from "surplus English white wine and...cheese". Isn't all English wine surplus?

This Aston Martin was a gift the Queen gave him for his 21st birthday. Let me think: Did my parents give me an Aston Martin for my 21st birthday-that didn't take long-uh, no.

DC Comics has announced that the new Superman, Jonathan Kent -- the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane -- will soon begin a romantic relationship with a male friend. He also plans to beat up Jon Gruden.

Southwest Airlines has announced their new slogan. It was, "You are now free to roam about the country." They've added the phrase, "on foot."

There was the suggestion that when William Shatner returns from space, we should all be wearing "Planet of the Apes" masks.

Lego says they're going to try and remove the "gender bias" from their toys. I've never really thought of Lego being male or female. Just painful when you step on them.

Every morning, I have just two objectives: drink lots of coffee and not have more than two objectives.

Republican Texas Governor Greg Abbott has banned all vaccination mandates in his state and says that Biden Administration has been bullying states. In response, President Biden has asked the Justice Department to stuff the governor in a school locker.

I'll be honest, I was disappointed with William Shatner going into space yesterday. Not a single "Denny Crane" from him. He didn't see even one gremlin out on the wing of the craft. Yeah, very disappointing.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have removed Jon Gruden's name from their "Ring of Honor." Jon says that's OK, because when you think about it, ‘rings are kind of gay!'

Frankly, I'm surprised that Dixie Cups haven't been forced to change their name yet.

Facebook has a dilemma-they've got a policy on hate speech, but they dislike it so much, that if they posted it, they'd get kicked off Facebook.

I'm realizing how hard it is now to say, "I won't be able to make it into work today" when I'm already there!

Howie Mandel fainted at an L.A. Starbucks the other day. He's blaming dehydration and low blood sugar, but have you seen the price of a triple Grande Macchiato light foam no room lately?

Actually, the real reason he fainted-they actually spelled his name right on the cup. Yep, first time!

OK, a small complaint. I was all for sending William Shatner into space. I just didn't know they were planning to bring him back to earth. Just sayin'...

Prince William is being critical of these billionaire-powered flights into space, saying that our priorities should be focused on saving the earth we have, rather than these pleasure trips into space. Well, I guess he's entitled to his opinion. And, for that matter, he's entitled.

"Only Murders In The Building" was not only a great show, but it also let me know how few of my friends have Hulu.

THINGS THAT USED TO HURT MY BACK
  • Jumping off garages
  • Crashing my bike
  • Falling out of a tree
  • Diving in the shallow end
  • Contact sports

THINGS THAT HURT MY BACK NOW

  • Sneezing
  • Mopping the floor
  • Washing the dishes
  • Brushing my teeth
  • Bending over
  • Tying my shoes
  • Rolling over in bed
From Facebook
  • I just saw on the news that they're recommending that you check on the elderly. I'm usually up by 6:30. Bring donuts.
  • To be Frank, I would have to change my name.
  • Make someone happy today. Mind your own damn business.
  • For those who need to hear this: The Olive Garden is NOT a fancy restaurant. It's an overpriced Italian Denny's.
  • I love this time of year when I dig graves in my front yard and the neighbors think I'm decorating for Halloween.
  • I don't get it. No matter how many times I call ‘Shotgun!' the cops always put me in the backseat.
  • The doctor will be with you shortly--biggest lie ever!
  • Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
  • I've always wondered why lemonade is made with artificial flavors, but furniture polish is made with real lemons.
  • We'll be turning the clocks back an hour soon. Getting an extra hour of 2021 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
  • You know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.
  • There is no better karate instructor than a spiderweb in your face.
  • My grandma is in her 90s and she still doesn't need glasses. Nope, she drinks straight from the bottle.
  • Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.
  • It's all fun and games until Monday rolls around and you have to put a bra back on.
  • Being an adult is all about being tired, telling people how tired you are, and listening to them tell you how tired they are.
  • If I go missing, put my picture on a wine bottle so my friends will know to look for me.
  • If you drank 42 cups of coffee in one sitting, it would kill you. ME: So, 41 is the limit?
  • Before I get in shape, does anyone love me chubby?
  • In Athens, nobody gets up before noon. Yes, dawn is tough on Greece.
  • Hearing that Christmas is "at risk" because of supply chain issues makes me think you're not sure why we're celebrating.
  • I turn up the music because I'm partially deaf. I'm partially deaf because I turn up the music.
  • SIGN AT A BAR: Free beer, topless bartenders and false advertising.
  • How do people fall asleep as soon as they close their eyes? It takes me four hours, seven pillow flips, 11 different positions, 2 trips to the bathroom and a partridge in a pear tree!
  • I was going to start a diet, but Halloween is coming up. Then Thanksgiving. Then Christmas and all those cookies. Next thing you know, it's barbecue season again and there's no way I'm turning down a hamburger or ribs.
  • Do I want to work overtime? I don't want to work regular time!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING A TELEMARKETING CALL
  1. Caller ID says, "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam... ."
  2. The voice at the other end wants your credit card number and to know what you're wearing
  3. Caller ID says, "Seriously, you're not going to answer it, are you?"
  4. They claim they're a charity for unwed nuns
  5. First thing they say is, "Press 1 if you're stupid"

TOP FIVE EASY WAYS TO DECORATE YOUR HOME FOR HALLOWEEN

  1. Put a spotlight on that body in your front yard. After Halloween, you can report it to police.
  2. Put a white sheet over you, unless you're wearing a pointed hat
  3. Dig a couple of graves in your front yard. I mean, you really never know when you might need one.
  4. Bring a few spiders inside and let them do their web magic
  5. Don't dust (like you did)

TOP FIVE LEAST SCARY HALLOWEEN MONSTERS

  1. The Invisible Man of La Mancha
  2. The Creature From the Water Sanitation Plant
  3. The Wolf Manatee
  4. Franken Beer Stein
  5. Draculala Land
Laugh a little, would ya?

 
 
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