I slept like a baby last night. Yep, woke up every two hours, screaming until I ate something.
Which airline had the most complaints last year? The fewest? Southwest had the least complaints in 2024, while Frontier had the most. We asked a Frontier spokesman for a comment, but he was accidentally flown to Berlin.
A new survey says that 21% of us watch TV regularly with our pet. My dog is usually up for anything, but he refuses to watch the news.
Studies show women are most likely to wash the dishes at night, men in the morning. It's why I sleep until noon.
Wash the dishes? You mean, push the button on the dishwasher?
A recent study shows that a brisk 15-minute stroll kills off cravings for the sweet treat. This is why I always just walk for 14-minutes. I don't want to harsh the buzz.
Oh, I'm no longer judging you. I've already moved on to sentencing.
A woman in the U.K. is now the world's oldest living person, at the age of 115. She says the secret to her long life is not arguing. Of course, I said, "No it isn't." She replied, "Yes, it is!"
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are celebrating their 7th wedding anniversary this week. I'm old enough to remember back when I was happy for them.
Vice President J.D. Vance met with Pope Leo the 14th yesterday. And now, we wait.
I learned over the weekend that when it comes to Formula 1 racing, there's actually no baby formula involved.
After being on HBO and Max since 2016, "Sesame Street" is moving to Netflix, with new episodes airing the same day on PBS. Just in case you were wondering how to get... how to get to...
Researchers say that co-workers that hug get along better and are more productive. I'll have to talk to H.R. about getting that ban lifted.
Research says to be perfect, a nap lasts 26 minutes. I refuse to accept that and believe that more research is required. Today.
Peppa Pig and her little brother George are officially older siblings of a baby girl. She's name Evie. Among the names turned down: Link, low-nitrate and Hickory Smoked.
Just sitting here, minding my own business, waiting for my invitation to the Belichick wedding to arrive...
There's a new Pee Wee Herman documentary on MAX, starting tomorrow night. I'm excited. I know you are, but what am I?
OK, I'm a little late to the party, but I guess I never knew that handmaids had tails.
Around 37% of us add alcohol to their coffee in the morning. Not me. I add coffee to my alcohol.
34% of people say one-word answers is the rudest thing you can do when texting. Hey, that's me just trying to get in a response before you text me again!
Match.com says that Honolulu, Hawaii, is America's most romantic city. It's the city I think of when I think of leis. I know, I know, I'm such a romantic.
A woman will complain about her husband or boyfriend nearly three times a day until she's around 50, which is, of course, when he has finally had enough and leaves.
A proposed ban on the "Tush Push" failed yesterday at the N.F.L. owners meeting. However, it was upheld at our company H.R. meeting.
About 30% of US adults use astrology or fortune-telling at least once a year. OK, complete transparency: usually only around March Madness.
Jim Irsay, the Indianapolis Colts owner, died Wednesday at age 65. There are those saying they should plan his funeral for Indianapolis and then move it to Baltimore the night before. But that's just Irsay.
Paige Spiranac says that Chris Pratt is the slowest golfer she's ever played with. Hey, if you were playing with Paige, would you be in a hurry?
The average American ignores their Check engine light on their car for up to four months. You know, if you wait long enough, that bulb eventually burns out.
7% of women say they are addicted to gossip. And I hear, especially Barbara in accounting.
From Facebook:
- I heard that bananas are good for your colon. Found out today, you're supposed to eat them.
- I was at the beach and heard a guy yell, "Help! Shark! Help!" I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.
- Life hack: Save time by crying about two things at the same time.
- When I have a headache, I take two aspirin and stay away from children, just like the bottle says.
- Do you know why cute people are always busy? Will have to tell you later. Really busy.
- I barely talk to anyone. So, if I say something to you and you're not a dog, congrats.
- If Adam and Eve had been Cajun, they would have eaten the snake and saved us all a lot of trouble.
- The only one you can really rely on in life is you. What a friggin' nightmare!
- About four minutes into my run, I've decided to focus on my personality instead.
- When I'm bored, I go on porn sites and write in the comments section: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken."
- I just found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off something. Better put it in the junk drawer and save it there until I die.
- The first 3 letters of 'Sweden' and 'Denmark' spell out 'Sweden.' The remaining letters spell out 'Denmark.'
- Here's an idea: Why don't we put SpaceX in charge of maintenance of the $400M plane.
- Marriage licenses should expire every four years, so you could decide if you want to renew.
- Breaking news: Shaggy now admitting that, yes, it might have been him.
- An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
- Reintarnation: The belief that in your next life you'll come back as a hillbilly.
- Being a parent means hearing a noise at 3am and hoping it's just a ghost and not your kids getting up again.
- In a world full of Kid Rocks, be a Bruce Springsteen. Or a Taylor Swift. Or a Dolly Parton. Or a Neil Young. Anybody but Kid Rock.
- Me? Oh, I'm not in the prime of my life. I'm somewhere between the young and the restless and the old and the senseless.
- I'm so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt. When people say,"Oh, you smell good, what is that?" I say, "Western Horseman, page 14."
- Deep thought of the day: When you clean out a vacuum, you become a vacuum cleaner.
- Only during a hurricane can you purchase a shovel, duct tape, rope and a tarp and no one questions your motives.
- Almost all garden gnomes have red hats. That's a little gnome fact.
- I don't fear aging. I fear stairs, small fonts and low chairs.
- Growing your own tomatoes is the best way to spend 3 months of your life saving $2.17.
- A pirate went to the doctor and said, "I have moles on my back." The doctor took a look and said, "It's OK. They're benign." The pirate replied, "Count again. I think thar be 10."
- All you have to do is ask if it's too early for an adult beverage and I'll question the future of our relationship.
- I refuse to go bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I'm not leaving because of one.
- Doctor: I'm Juan and I'll be delivering your baby. Dad: OB Juan, you're our only hope. Mom: Leave his name off the birth certificate.
- Just a reminder that April is Procrastination Month.
- Recipes should include pictures of the mess you have to clean up after you've made it.
- Sign at restaurant: We have $10 eggs and $5 Martinis. You pick!
- Travel with kids so they can enjoy chicken nuggets and fries all over the world!
- We're looking forward to the name change, from Air Force One to Exhibit A.
- Grandkids are your reward for not selling your kids to the circus during their teenage years.
- My friend loaned me an audio book but I misplaced it. Now I'll never hear the end of it.
- Be grateful that no matter how many pieces of cake you eat, your earrings will always fit.
- Save water. Drink wine.
- Here's a picture of me enjoying myself at the gym.
- I'm kind of done with going through things that make me stronger but don't kill me.
- Things I've gotten really good at: Buying produce...and throwing it away two weeks later.
- Another thing I've Gotten Really Good At: Reading the same page over and over because I keep zoning out.
- I was pretty busy yesterday. Was only able to check my phone 853 times.
- I hate it when I'm singing along with a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
- I don't know about you, but nearly every single problem in my life can be attributed to my not being a millionaire.
- I took a long hard look at myself this morning. I won't be doing that again.
- There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for weeks.
- I do all my own stunts. But never intentionally.
- I wish I was at tired at bedtime as I am at 2pm on almost any day.
- When you're 10 dang's, 20 yup's, 6 wow's and 8 "Man, that's crazy!" and they still won't stop talking.
- I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I just announced I won the lottery. I had no idea I had so many relatives.
- The waitress asked if I wanna box for my leftovers. We went three rounds before she knocked me out.
- Do you realize that we're the last generation on earth who will realize what life was like before social media?
- I'll never be okay with donut shops cutting a hole in my donut and then charging me separately for the same hole they robbed me of.
- Husband Math: Does not want to pay someone else to do the job, but now you have to buy at least 5 new power tools to complete the job myself
- Sometimes I feel as left out as the third verse of a hymn.
- I still have my license because my lawyer proved you can't see a 70 mph sign when going 190.
- I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my 5-year-old was not my son. Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pick up.
- Imagine how much better Wile E. Coyote would have done if he had access to Amazon Prime.
MAY IS BETTER SLEEP MONTH: TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED BETTER SLEEP
- You introduced yourself to that person in the bathroom mirror
- You missed signs 5 through 3
- You made coffee, but forgot to add the coffee and the water
- Somehow, you've mastered the art of snoring while awake
- You walked into a room, can't remember why and they're performing a surgery
TOP FIVE LEAST IMPRESSIVE SUPERPOWERS
- Predicting the weather two days ago
- Able to shuffle a deck of cards
- A piercing glance
- Flatulence at will
- Being able to read to yourself
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A LOUSY CAMPGROUND FOR MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND
- That sign that says, "Quarantine Almost Lifted."
- Lake offers an unsupervised "Swim the Alligators" experience
- Only positive reviews online were by a "Hap E. Camper"
- Camp host wearing two ankle monitors
- Well, for starters, there's that "No Camping Allowed" sign
Laugh a little, would ya?
