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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,242nd Edition
January 17th, 2020

OK, we need some cold weather songs that don't have anything to do with the holiday season. Sure, we've got "Cold as Ice", "Tenth Avenue Freeze Out" and "Hazy Shade of Winter" but three songs don't cut it.
The following are possible song titles. We did the hard work. All you need to do is write the lyrics:
  • “Highway to Hail”
  • “Slip Sledding Away”
  • “Ricki Don’t Lose that Snow Plow”
  • “Do you think I’m Frosty”
  • “Saturday Night’s Alright for Shoveling”
  • “Doctor My Ice”
  • “I don’t want to luge you”
  • “Pink Igloos”
Oh, and while we're talking about snow and the effects it's having on our schedules, here's an update list of schedule changes and closures:
  • The School for the Open Minded is closed
  • The Our Lady of Repetition is closed
  • The Mount Pilchuk Nudist colony will be clothed today.
  • The Mukilteo E.S.P.  Club is…well, you know….
  • The Our Lady of Repetition is closed
  • The Punctuality Seminar at the Holiday Inn is 2 hours late
  • The Contradictory Club is running 3 hours ahead!
  • The Procrastinator’s Club has rescheduled their delays until tomorrow.
  • The Our Lady of Repetition is closed
  • Doctors at The Surgery Center are on limited operations.
  • And down at the Post Office, stamps have been canceled.

The full moon we experienced last Friday was known as "The Wolf Moon," earning its name because wolves howl at it more during winter. Why? Because it's so friggin' cold, that's why.

A survey says 75% of men feel more confident with facial hair. No so much with shoulder hair.

Fran Drescher is developing a stage musical based on "The Nanny." Can "Alf: The Musical" be far behind?

Is it just me, or upon hearing the phrase "Fran Drescher is developing a stage musical based on "The Nanny", do the words "Must be stopped" pop up in your mind?

The 49ers are the first NFL team to have an emotional support dog. I'm waiting for the first opponent to stick a cat in their locker-room.

The Chinese paddlefish has been declared extinct after 150 Million years. If nothing else, humanity gets points for persistence.

From Facebook:

  • I don't need anger management. I just need people to stop pissing me off.
  • Why is sleeping in considered lazy, but going to bed early isn't?
  • I'm starting meetings at my house for people with OCD. Oh, I don't have it. I'm just hoping they'll take one look at my house and start cleaning.
  • The worst thing about online shopping is that you have to get up and get your credit card.
  • One of the biggest differences between men and women is that if a woman asks you to smell something, it's usually nice.
  • One minute you’re young and fun. The next, you’re turning down your music so you can see better.
  • I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I’m in a good mood for around 27 minutes.
  • You come from dust. You will return to dust. That’s a why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
  • Ever realize that the word homeowner has meow in it?

"At least invite me out to dinner."
"I don't go out with married women."
"But I'm your wife!"
"I make no exceptions."

Dennis Muilenburg, who was kicked out as Boeing CEO will leave the company with an $80 Million payout. If they're looking for someone to hire and fire next, I'll do it for only $70 Million.

Meghan McCain is reportedly not speaking to anyone on "The View"... which will make it challenging, since it is a talk show.

Meanwhile, after a family summit, the Queen gave Harry and Meghan her blessing on wandering away from the Royal Family, although in her statement, she said, she would have preferred them "to remain full-time working members of the Royal Family". Boy, not often you see 'Royal Family' and 'working' in the same sentence.

Maybe it doesn't need to be said, but all those baseball players down in Houston are nothing but a bunch of Astro's.

At age 73, actress Suzanne Somers has a new book out about aging well, in which she claims she has sex with her husband twice every day. Makes you wonder how she found the time to get the book done.

Don't get too carried away in celebrating the Roaring 20s. The last time we did this, they had prohibition.

Microsoft is ending support for Windows 7, so if you're still using that software, you're running out of time. Those of you still using Win95, we've officially given up on you.

If nothing else, Harry and Meghan's departure from the Royal Family has given birth to a new term: Palacelessness.

Copenhagen's "Little Mermaid" statue was vandalized with graffiti over the weekend. Someone wrote the phrase "Free Hong Kong" beneath the word, Copenhagen. More specifically, under the "c".

Brooks & Dunn are going out on their first concert tour in 10 years. I thought they were done. Or, at least Brooks.
 
Bruce Springsteen’s son, Sam, has become a Jersey City firefighter. Everyone knew that’s where his career was headed because he’d turn the hose on his father every time Bruce would play the song, “Fire.”
 
A Japanese billionaire is looking for a woman to fly to the Moon with him on an Elon Musk rocket. If interested, sign up for the dating app, Orbiter.
 
In January, you can usually catch some great furniture sales. I hear that over in Russia, President Putin is getting a new cabinet.
 
The entire Russian government resigned after President Putin’s State of the Union address. That’s some powerful speaking.
 
My unsolicited advice of the day—ignore unsolicited advice!
 
Queen Elizabeth II didn’t use Harry and Meghan’s titles in her post-summit statement. In fact, I believe she used the phrase, “Mr. and Mrs. Traitor.”
 
Sign on the freeway reader board: It’s a lane, not a birthright. Let them merge.
 
Scientists are working on a pill to replace exercise. Yeah, but then I’d have to get up and grab one. Isn’t there an easier way to lose weight?
 
A study says going to the movies is as good for the heart as going to the gym. God bless studies.
 
It’s here—the very first trans-gender doll for kids. It’s available in Russia, has blonde pigtails and something Ken didn’t come with.

It doesn’t take long to make an impression. The Wicked Witch of the West was only in The Wizard of Oz for 12 minutes.
 
A top secret Russian satellite has exploded in space. OK, make that a formerly top secret satellite.
 
A dog food company owner is eating the product for 30 days to show it’s healthy. Things were going so well for a while and then a mailman got too close.
 
A study says that parrots exhibit kindness and selfless behavior towards others…which scientists say, proves they could never be elected to congress.
 
Meat Loaf is suing a Dallas hotel after being injured falling from a stage. An attorney for the hotel had the best comment. “What? Meatloaf again?”
 
A report says the top countries in the world to raise children are Denmark, Sweden and Norway. Well, to be a responsible parent, I am going to wait until the air fares go down before I buy my kids their tickets.
 
A British woman claims she predicted Harry and Meghan leaving by reading asparagus spears. I believe that’s Britney’s cousin.


TOP FIVE WAYS THE HOUSE COULD SEND OVER THEIR ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT TO THE SENATE
  1. Uber Impeaches
  2. Along with an FTD ‘You've been Impeached' bouquet
  3. If they did it with a Domino's pizza, they'd get there in 30 minutes or less
  4. As part of an Impeachment-gram
  5. It be included in a Strip-Your-Power-o-gram
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO IN THE SNOW
  1. Shovel all the snow in your yard into your neighbor's yard to make up for all the leaves he gave you last fall
  2. Write your full name in your front yard. You know what I'm talking about.
  3. Nail your boss with a snowball that contains your co-worker's name inside
  4. Hit the gas and plan to carom into work
  5. Make anatomically correct snow people
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT INDICATE ITS REALLY COLD OUTSIDE
  1. Starbucks is selling coffee on a stick
  2. There's a rally with Pro Global Warming protestors
  3. Chickens waiting in line at KFC for a dip in the deep fryer
  4. There's another snowman rubbing his two arms together
  5. You see a snowman with a space heater
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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