The famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, came out of his borrow and saw his shadow yesterday. He thought about staying up anyway, but after watching the news for 10 minutes, he went back down.
So, after yesterday, Punxsutawney Phil is predicting six more weeks of winter. Of course, I should also point out, he still has a Harris/Walz sign in his front yard.
Just a reminder that Valentine's Day is a week from this Friday. Buy those roses now while they're cheaper.
And see if your nearby McDonald's takes reservations.
It takes 42 muscles in the human body to make a frown. Nice workout, Grumpy!
Here's one for you: a new study shows that 7% of people buy more junk food when they bring their own bags to the store. So, forgetting them in the car again is actually healthier for you!
As President Trump likes to say, "There's a new tariff in town!"
Good thing I stocked up on Canadian bacon, maple syrup and tortillas on Friday!
The Grammy's missed a huge opportunity. Every time Taylor Swift was nominated, they should have cut away to a shot of Travis Kelce in a luxury suite.
Now historians are re-examining Alexander the Great and his accomplishments and saying that they may not have been that great. Could result in him being renamed, "Alexander the So-So."
Call me crazy, but I thought that this year's Grammy Awards show was.... 'watchable.'
It was great seeing Kanye West and all of his wife at the Grammy's. Afterwards, I had no questions.
I wonder if his wife spent an hour getting ready for the Grammy's, trying to decide what not to wear.
I've decided I either want to be the fashion designer for Kanye West's wife, or Cynthia Erivo's hair stylist.
Trump is saying that D.E.I. is to blame for our nation's problems. Of course, D.E.I. stands for dairy, eggs and inflation.
Basically, the Pittsburgh Steelers are the girlfriend and Russell Wilson is the boyfriend who refuses to change their relationship status.
The Waffle House is adding a 50-cent-per egg charge to all the items on their menu. No yoke.
An 11-day Caribbean cruise out of Miami has set sail on "The Big Nude Boat." I have to say, you'd save a lot on laundry service. And think how easy it would be to pack!
My wife would still take half an hour to figure out what she's not going to wear.
Amazon is having their annual Baby Sale. Frankly, I didn't know you could buy those there.
I went out to dinner last night and had a hard time choosing between the three highest-priced items on the menu: a steak, lobster or an egg salad sandwich.
Because of soaring egg prices, some people are going the route of backyard chickens. My neighbors aren't too wild about the idea, by my local coyotes are all for it.
25% of Americans do not have emergency savings. I thought that's what parents were for!
We throw away 92% of instructions without ever using them. 100% of men don't even know what the word "instructions" means!
From Facebook:
- I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, go into the other room and read a book.
- I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was and I said, "The Count on Sesame Street." The friend said, "He doesn't count!" to which I replied, "Oh, I assure you, he does."
- Is running late to work considered exercise?
- Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it.
- My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my driver's license.
- I'm not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if it's got a good cheesy dust ratio.
- Life isn't a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
- We're all just nudists in disguise.
- Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
- Multitasking? I'm not even good at uni-tasking.
- If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I'll be there.
- My nickname is Gilette because I'm the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
- Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
- It genuinely feels like January 74th.
- Money can't buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari.
- Tonight, I have a date with Destiny. 'Cause strippers need love, too!
- Never hire a color-blind Bomb Technician.
- If you're a size 0 we shouldn't be able to see you.
- I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
- I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said, "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"
- I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
- You say 'pervert with a telescope'. I say, 'biological astronomer'.
- Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
- You shouldn't be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
- Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this? 3) When I was your age...
- Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
- If the plan is "drink beer now, figure out life later" then yes, everything is going according to plan.
- Not to brag or anything, but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
- If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
- I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
- I'm realizing that I just don't have enough middle fingers for today.
- Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don't know where I belong.
- New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
- Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cop cars in front of the house of that neighbor that nobody likes.
- There's simply no way to maintain your dignity while trying to pull two grocery carts apart.
- When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
- It's not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it's the gas can in her other hand.
- I don't know about you, but every time I go on Twitter, I get this weird feeling that I am being followed.
- I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
- Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing that all the people I treated badly today had it coming.
- Winning isn't everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
- If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?
- I went to a psychic. I knocked on her front door and she yelled, "Who is it?" So I left.
- Onion rings are just vegetable donuts.
- The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn't remind you of anyone.
- Back in my day there was so much eggs and toilet paper, we used to throw them at our enemies.
- I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
- People think I'm a hugger, but I'm actually shaking them down for snacks.
- I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
- "Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
- You've cat to be kitten me right meow.
- The best things in life can't be seen or touched. Well, at least that's what the restraining order says.
- Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
- To help reduce costs, this status update was written in China.
- My gift horse is facing the wrong way.
- Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
- I'm so broke that I can't even pay attention!
- "You the bomb!" "No, YOU the bomb." A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
- Good friends don't let you do dumb things... alone.
- I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death. That's a lot of weed.
- I can't wait until I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.
- Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
- My superhero power is being able to watch 5 years' worth of TV shows in one week.
- I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed. Hey, it's not my fault they don't have Windows.
- Don't be stupid, it's not smart.
- Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb. Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
- What do people mean when they say their computer went down on them?
- The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
- Nothing refreshes my memory of what I was supposed to pick up at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
- For $60, this printer ink cartridge had better be filled by hand squeezing endangered squids.
- The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
- You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges
- My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting.
- So many rules; so little time to break them.
- This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently, the other 2 become immortal.
- I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! By driving away and not leaving a note.
- I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
- Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
- Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
- Relationship tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
- I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
TOP FIVE REASONS PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTIES
- You always serve leftover snacks from last year's party!
- And, in black and white
- Could be that 7-inch TV screen of yours
- Your one-person campaign to launch "Dry February!"
- Always cutting away from the game for the Puppy Bowl
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GETTING ALONG WITH YOUR WIFE
- When asked, "Who's the Voodoo doll for?," she never responded
- She announced a new "Sex Tariff"
- You feel a cold front moving in and it's 75-degrees outside
- Your clothes from the closet on the front lawn again
- New book in the kitchen, "Cooking with Arsenic"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE REALLY SICK AND TIRED OF WINTER
- Neighbor kid who usually shovels your sidewalk has blocked your number
- You just built an obscene snowman. Again.
- You're already on your third snow shovel
- The S-word is now "snow"
- Amazon just delivered your new Weather Guy voodoo doll
Laugh a little, would ya?