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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,205th Edition
April 12th, 2019

The income tax deadline is Monday. Wishing you many happy returns

Mackenzie Bezos has $35-billion in Amazon stock to keep her warm after her divorce from Jeff Bezos. Hey guys, she's single!

Can I just say that Mackenzie Bezos is one sexy woman. By the way, is she blonde or brunette? A redhead?

President Trump has fired back at Barbara Bush, after her comments about him in his new book. It feels strange that I'm siding with the elderly woman who had a stroke and a deceased Senator from Arizona.

Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman could face 20 years in prison over the college admissions scandal. On the positive side, the prison drama club is really excited.

Joe Biden says he will be more respectful of people's personal space. In fact, if he was there right now, he'd give your personal space a big old hug and smooch!

Last Friday was "National Walk to Work Day." Darn it, missed it again.

A record-setting 17-foot-long python was found near the Florida Everglades, carrying 73 eggs. Yes, just in time for Easter.

Ralph Nader says the Boeing 737 Max "should never fly again." Boeing has told Nader that he should just get back into his Corvair and drive away.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us? It's only April 9th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

Yesterday, I only missed my goal of 10,000 steps by 9,000. Man, I feel healthy!

From Facebook: Oh, the irony of an ATM machine charging you $3 to get your money, as it tells you to cover your PIN so you don't get robbed.

Then there's the guy who bought some memory foam insoles for his shoes so he wouldn't forget why he walked into the kitchen.

A new study claims that eating garlic will help give you a better memory in your old age. What good will that do if no one will come close enough to you so that you can tell them what you remember?

California congressman Eric Swalwell has announced that he's running for president. The democrats now have enough people running to form a candidates' softball league with two teams.

However, I understand that representatives of the D.N.C. are going to approach Thanos and ask if he's a Democrat.

About that new 5G phone Verizon has: when they say ‘5G', is that the wireless technology or the price?

A-T-and-T has expanded their 5G rollout and is now in 19 cities. That's a total of 95G's.

Sony has come out with a 16K TV, just to make me feel less about my current television.

Great news for the Los Angeles Lakers-their season is over!

Baltimore has been dubbed the "most robbed city in America." And that's without counting Orioles season ticket holders.

A rhino poacher was trampled to death by elephants and eaten by lions in South Africa, just outside of the village of Karma.

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Nothing takes you down a notch in confidence more than unexpectedly choking on your own saliva when you’re not even eating anything.
 
I was looking at that first-ever picture of a black hole. If you look at it closely, at least it was smiling.
 
We don’t know much about Julian Assange’s arrest in London, except that he and David Letterman apparently belong to the same beard club.
 
Researchers in the Philippines announced today that they have discovered a species of ancient human that they have named Homo luzonensis.  Not sure they can get away with calling it a homo.
 
They were apparently much smaller than today’s humans and, scientists say, probably sucked at basketball.

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO PLAY JAMES BOND
  1. You drink your Metamucil, shaken, not stirred
  2. You have to face Octogenarian Pussy
  3. These days, you're attracted to Gold Bond girls
  4. You asked Q to develop readers that double as a weapon
  5. You finally realize that, being a secret agent, you shouldn't have been saying your name all these years
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU COULD BE IN TROUBLE THIS YEAR WITH YOUR INCOME TAXES
  1. Preparer takes a look at your returns and says, "Boy, it's a good thing there aren't debtors' prisons anymore."
  2. I.R.S. has officially declared your home "ground zero"
  3. You tried to see your tax preparer, but then found out it wasn't Visiting Day
  4. Preparing your taxes -- H&R Scamster
  5. What do you mean Income Tax returns are due next Monday?
Laugh a little, would ya?
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