*|MC:SUBJECT|*

A Florida woman, ticked off that she only received a $2 tip on a pizza and chicken wings delivery, returned to the home after clocking out and stabbed the customer 14 times. To make matters worse, she charged a $4 stabbing fee.

A new study says that more and more of us are suffering from “brain rot”, whatever that means.

Remember, you are never too old to……something….

The winner of that $1.22-billion Mega Millions jackpot lives in California, but so far, none of my relatives there have ‘fessed up.

There are 357 days until Christmas and our neighbors already have their lights up!

I have to say, it sure is nice getting all those New Year’s resolutions out of the way.

They actually did a study that showed that most “know it all’s” don’t really know what they’re talking about. That’s helpful.

Actually, I could have told you that!

The U.S. has less than half of 7-11 convenience stores than what Japan has…which means they must have twice as many petrified hot dogs on their grills as we do!

40% of American men couldn't tell you the shoe size of their significant other. A hint for you guys who don’t: always guess bigger.

British rapper Stormzy has been banned from ever driving again after he was caught using his phone behind the wheel of his Rolls-Royce. See, that's how we're so different. If I had a Rolls-Royce, I'd have a driver and go around asking other drivers if they had any Grey Poupon.

The U.S. Surgeon General wants to put warning labels on all alcoholic beverages. I'm flattered that he wanted to include my picture, but I said, "no."

The New Year begins with a long, 31-day month. And an even longer month for those observing "dry January."

Nicole Kidman says the secret to her long marriage with Keith Urban is "a double headed shower." I'll give you a moment...

That's right, I was going to do one of those "Polar Bear Plunges" on New Year's Day. Forgot again...

Apple has agreed to pay $95 million to settle Siri eavesdropping claims. At least, that's what Alexa told me...

The interest rate on a Capitol One credit card can be as high as 29.24%. In fact, they're thinking of changing their slogan to, "What's in your wallet? We'll take it!"

According to a new study, 1.2 elderly drivers with cognitive impairment are still out there driving. Hey, if you don't like the way they drive, stay off the sidewalks!

North Korea's leader, Kim Jong Un, has banned hot dogs in their country, saying they're too Western and that serving the food will now be deemed an act of treason.

To make matters worse, Oscar Mayer is now number one on North Korea's most wanted.

So now in North Korea, there are definitely wieners and losers.

Almost 50% of Americans lie when they go to the doctor. The other half lie that they even went to the doctor. No wonder we're such a mess!

Doctors say that if we slept more, we'd lose more weight. Well, except for those of us who converted our night stands into taco bars.

Now, how to get word to Skip Bayless that I'd do it for only $1.25 million.

Research found vegans are at higher riskof anxiety and depression because they drink plant-based milk. I know even thinking of becoming a vegan depresses me.

The average person will have 19 different doctors in their lifetime. That doesn't include Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Dr. Scholl.

According to WalletHub, Seattle is the best city at keeping New Year's resolutions. Well, yeah -- it's cold, rainy and the sun goes down at 4pm. What else are we going to do?

They say most New Year's resolutions are done by the second Friday in January, as in today. See, I'm an over-achiever.

Armenia is the only country in the world requiring children to learn Chess in schools. It's also the only country in the world where the nerds shove bullies into lockers.

The average married couple kiss five times a week. And usually, each other.

Facebook is ending fact-checking. From now on, they expect the Truth Fairy to just do her job.

54% of facts that people post on Facebook aren't true. Yeah, I just made that up, but I'm going to post it and see what happens.

I was told that feeding my Christmas tree to a goat would be great for the environment.

Well, I'm sure it is, but you should see what it did to our living room rug!

R.E.I. announced that they'll be laying off 400 employees. It may be insensitive, but I find it ironic that they'd be telling them all to take a hike

From Facebook

I'm great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It's kind of cool, but I won't be impressed until it can print snacks.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
I'm not single. I am romantically challenged.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
Our forecast for today: Mostly unproductive with an increasing chance of a drinking session later tonight.
Did you ever notice that the doctor's bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor's prescription?
I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.
I have an eating disorder; I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Today's big idea - Coffee eye drops!
You know you’ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
I run a non-profit company. It’s not for a good cause or anything, I’m just not very good at business.
I’m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
I don’t get women. Also, I don’t understand them.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Roses are red, violets are blue. God made me pretty, what happened to you?
My recliner and I go way back.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If I were my boss, I'd never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.
I leave notes on people's windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Apparently I'm the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
I don't think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn't stubborn...
It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I'm pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I'd hate to be a dragon. You could never blow out your birthday candles!
Better pound all these beers down so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
When non-smokers come to my house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.
If you win a year's supply of calendars, you would still only win 1 calendar.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I am NOT drunk. Floors need hugs, too!
Call me crazy, but I don't think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Yeah, how do nudists clean their glasses?
Childless people wondering what it's like to have kids? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 $249.00
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Time travel means never having to say you're sorry.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures.
Guinness for breakfast because it's Ireland somewhere.
Life: It's just an "F" in lie.
Did you know that CLUB sandwich stands for Chicken, Lettuce, Under Bacon? Or so I'm told...
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
When you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do they always thank you for being there?
How many people work at my job? Oh, around half of them.
I've never had a personal trainer. I've never been exercising and thought "Man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I'm dead.
Don't drink and drive because there are people out there that text and drive and if they hit you, it'll be your fault.
10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something
Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. got the hint. For Valentine's Day she's getting a magazine rack
Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late the second week of January.
You're not an easy person to like. I like that about you.
BOSS: Are you high? ME: You and I both know that I don't make enough money to have a drug habit.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.

TOP FIVE THINGS ON MY JANUARY TO-DO LIST

Take down the Halloween decorations
Replace that 2021 calendar in the kitchen
Spray that brown Christmas tree green
Buy my wife a new snow shovel
Start breaking some serious resolutions

TOP FIVE DETAILS FROM THE BEN AFFLECK/JENNIFER LOPEZ DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Neither are ever allowed to use the phrase, "Third time's the charm."
There can never be a "Gigli 2"
Ben is not allowed to date any women named Jennifer
No one is allowed to use the word, "Bennifer" without adding "Schmennifer."
Ben is a moron.

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE NOT REALLY A NICE PERSON

You always put snowballs in the freezer 24 hours before throwing them at people
Disneyland makes you mad.
You gave a friend who went on a New Year's diet a dozen Krispy Kremes
All this time, you thought "Squid Game" was a comedy
You think Nikki Glaser is too nice

They say once you go WACK, you never go back

From Facebook

I'm great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?

I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It's kind of cool, but I won't be impressed until it can print snacks.

To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.

I'm not single. I am romantically challenged.

Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.

If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week

Our forecast for today: Mostly unproductive with an increasing chance of a drinking session later tonight.

Did you ever notice that the doctor's bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor's prescription?

I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

I have an eating disorder; I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

Today's big idea - Coffee eye drops!

You know you’ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."

The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.

Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

I run a non-profit company. It’s not for a good cause or anything, I’m just not very good at business.

I’m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.

We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?

I don’t get women. Also, I don’t understand them.

I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…

Roses are red, violets are blue. God made me pretty, what happened to you?

My recliner and I go way back.

If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.

I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If I were my boss, I'd never leave my coffee cup unattended.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

I leave notes on people's windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Apparently I'm the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.

The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers

I don't think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.

What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.

My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn't stubborn...

It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

I'm pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.

The older I get the earlier it gets late.

I'd hate to be a dragon. You could never blow out your birthday candles!

Better pound all these beers down so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.

When non-smokers come to my house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.

If you win a year's supply of calendars, you would still only win 1 calendar.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

I am NOT drunk. Floors need hugs, too!

Call me crazy, but I don't think I really need to be in this mental institution.

Yeah, how do nudists clean their glasses?

Childless people wondering what it's like to have kids? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.

Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.

A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.

Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 $249.00

I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.

Time travel means never having to say you're sorry.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures.

Guinness for breakfast because it's Ireland somewhere.

Life: It's just an "F" in lie.

Did you know that CLUB sandwich stands for Chicken, Lettuce, Under Bacon? Or so I'm told...

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

When you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do they always thank you for being there?

How many people work at my job? Oh, around half of them.

I've never had a personal trainer. I've never been exercising and thought "Man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."

My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.

My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I'm dead.

Don't drink and drive because there are people out there that text and drive and if they hit you, it'll be your fault.

10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something

Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. got the hint. For Valentine's Day she's getting a magazine rack

Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late the second week of January.

You're not an easy person to like. I like that about you.

BOSS: Are you high? ME: You and I both know that I don't make enough money to have a drug habit.

If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.

I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.

TOP FIVE THINGS ON MY JANUARY TO-DO LIST

Take down the Halloween decorations

Replace that 2021 calendar in the kitchen