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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,327th Edition
Friday, September 17th, 2021
All the news that's fit to WACK!

Former President Trump said he'd love to climb into a boxing with President Biden. If it ever happens, I'd expect it to be on pay-to-not-view.

They say the average man spends 41 minutes a day thinking about Fantasy football. I don't know about you, but it just doesn't take me that long to realize how bad my picks were.

Apple unveiled its newest iPhones Tuesday. It's the annual tradition where they show you all the cool things the new phones do, while making your iPhone one more model year older.

Over the weekend at the Panthers/Jets game, Maia Chaka became the first black woman ever to officiate an NFL game. As I saw online, "Women make great referees. They have lots of experience catching guys cheating."

Britney Spears and her steady of 5 years, Sam Asghari, are officially engaged. As to who will be walking her down the aisle?-Good question. I know one person we can rule out.

The MTV Video Music Awards were Sunday night. Always interesting to see what people are not wearing...

A sign you're getting older -- you go to iTunes and recognize fewer and fewer artists. I'm down to three.

TMZ has been sold to FOX and for the life of me, I can't figure out whose reputation is going to take a hit.

I hope we never have a recall election. I'm not recalling things as well as I used to these days... .

Nick Cannon says that wasn't him who proposed to Ashanti on the Red Carpet at the Met Gala. It was his new rap alter ego, Murda Count Harlem. I think Nick's been wrapping his turban a little too tight lately.

Amazon says it is bringing its palm-recognition technology to the Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Denver. So, your palm becomes your ticket. This should also cause an increasing popularity in the question, "So, why the severed hand?"

Apple issued an emergency patch for iPhones this week, fixing a way for hackers to get into your phone, and preventing a very disappointing experience for whichever hacker were to get into my phone.

North Korea has fired off 2 ballistic missiles. Their leader, Kim Jong Un, is blaming the dog.

We promise not to sell your name because, if we did, what would we call you?

NBA players will NOT be required to get the vaccine in order to play. The season is expected to be 8 games long, not including playoffs.

I just had a horrible thought-it's almost fall. Temperatures will be cooling down. We're almost to that time of year when people are going to expect me to wear PANTS! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A survey shows that only 56% of Americans could identify all three branches of our government. Hard to believe people don't know that it's the far right whack jobs, the liberal cry babies and the wishy washy. Yeah, I'm jaded by the process.

For whatever reason, September is actually National Velociraptor Awareness Month. Is there something I need to know?

There's a trend on social media where people are calling themselves "purebloods" instead of "unvaccinated." And, should they die because of COVID, they would prefer the term "breathing challenged" instead of "dead."

From Facebook:
  • I fully plan to haunt people when I die. I've got a list.
  • Lazy people fact #4872809-7208854. Face it, you were too lazy to read that entire number.
  • When Miley Cyrus dances nearly nude and licks a hammer, it's called 'art'. When I do it, I get kicked out of Home Depot.
  • They say you're only as old as you feel. Well, I feel like I've been exhumed from the tombs of Egypt, given a cup of coffee and been sent back to work.
  • When one door opens when another one closes, you are probably in prison.
  • To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill a drop.
  • Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9pm is the new midnight.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • I had my patience tested. I came out negative.
  • I run like the winded.
  • I finally got 8 hours of sleep. It took 3 days, but whatever.
  • I don't mean to interrupt people, but I randomly remember things and I get excited.
  • There is nothing worse than a co-worker that thinks they're your manager.
  • Welcome to Assumption Club. I assume you know why we're here.
  • Just wear a mask. It's not like they're asking you to wear a Packers jersey.
  • If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.
  • I'm starting up a new restaurant that features French fries, covered in a curry sauce. Yes, it's called, "Curry on my wayward Spud." And yes, there will be peas when you are done.
  • The kids keep laughing at me because of my memory. Well, they're not going to be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the tree.
  • Note to self: don't sit on the floor without a plan on how to get back up.
  • I hope when I eventually choke to death on Gummy Bears that people will just say "He was killed by bears" and leave it at that.
  • They say that socks that disappear in the dryer actually come back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
  • I'm working on a pun about the wind. Right now, it's just a draft.
  • I wonder if whoever coined the phrase, "One hit wonder" came up with any other catch phrases?
  • Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves. My dog: There's no way I'm walking on wet grass.
  • I don't know about you, but I haven't got any more passwords left in me.
  • For the record, most bobcats are NOT actually named Bob.
  • Rough morning. I spent most of it trying to prevent my multiple personalities from identify theft.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE JUST TOO BUSY
  1. Your calendar just informed you its full
  2. You're making appointments to cancel appointments
  3. You have a calendar that keeps track of your other calendars
  4. You're next available lunch is in November... .of 2025
  5. You only have time to listen to 4 of these

TOP FIVE HINTS IT MAY BE TIME TO DROP A FEW POUNDS

  1. The cement floor creaks when you walk on it
  2. Your workout clothes have stretch marks
  3. Your bathroom scale turned in its resignation
  4. The only thing that fits loosely on you are your sheets
  5. Before putting on your pants, they start crying
Laugh a little, would ya?

 
 
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