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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,344th Edition
Friday, January 21st, 2021

I like my January's dry, like my lower level

Don't hate the haters. You risk being redundant.

I must be getting too sensitive. I'm mad at Angry Birds for how mean they were to that couple in the Geico commercial.

Now there's talk of Hillary Clinton running for president again in 2024. If this keeps up, can a Pauley Shore comeback be far behind?

This is traditionally the first day of the year I score 10,000 steps on my Fitbit, from the multiple trips out to the mail boxes, as I keep forgetting it's a national holiday.

The federal government is supposed to let us know this week how to get free COVID tests and N95 masks online. We will let you know where to go on the Internet right after we order ours.

North Korea has become the world's annoying neighbor that just randomly fires off fireworks.

A New York City TV weather person is being sued by his former employer after he walked off the set and quit. OK, not to miss the opportunity, he "stormed" the set and quit.

I've got one of those things on the dishwasher that lets you know the status of what's going on inside. When there are dishes inside and it needs to run, it says "Dirty." While it's running, there's a "Running"... .when it's finished, you can set it to "Clean." But what bothers me is that there's a setting called "Empty." When the heck is there ever an empty dishwasher? Usually we wait until the last possible moment to run it and while it's running, the next batch starts piling up on the sink. "Empty" is a wasted setting. I just needed to vent.

New numbers show that the super-rich have been getting richer during the pandemic. In fact, there's a new billionaire created every 26-seconds. And the other thing we know for absolutely sure: that new billionaire is neither you nor me.

Look, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred-gazillion times, stop over exaggerating.

Tiffany Trump is sharing pictures from her engagement last year because, uh, someone asked. Wasn't me.

A line from Fark.com: "Housing prices start to slide in Seattle, along with the houses."

An asteroid passed by earth on Tuesday. Yeah, I'm surprised it missed, too.

Hawaii is going to require visitors be ‘fully vaccinated'... that is, two shots and a booster. This to honor the great Hawaiian King, K'Mon-I-Wanna-Inject-You.

If you're concerned about 5G, we're KRKO, so not a single G to worry about.

A study shows that the smell of oranges makes you want to spend more money. That's why I gave up Mimosa Mondays.

18% of women say they pray before they step on a bathroom scale. While 100% of men say they "saw God" after commenting, "Wow, sounds like you broke it."

Today is "National Disc Jockey Day!" The boss is planning to get me the same thing he gave me last year.

The U.K. announced that they're going to start relaxing COVID restrictions next week. The Prime Minister made the announcement from his cabinet's weekly Wine Down Wednesday party.

50% of people say if they're going to work out, they prefer to do it at home. I prefer going to a gym, since that's much easier to put off than at home.

The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes. Even soon, when listening to this show.

A New Zealand winery is going to launch, what they say will be the world's first "Winery Airline." I'm expecting all the luggage to go through, but they might lose a passenger or two along the way.

The winery promises that passengers will enjoy "Business Class with Every Glass." That's better than, "As you thunk, the pilot's drunk!"

From Facebook:

  • I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker that said, "I miss Washington State." So I stole their catalytic converter and scattered a few hypodermic needles in the car and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."
  • Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing. I'm probably one strong fart away from complete paralysis.
  • Wait-am I going upstairs to get something, or did I just come downstairs to get something?
  • This morning, my son said his ear hurt. I asked, "On the inside or the outside?" He walked out on the porch, came back in and said, "Both." I think I may be saving too much for college.
  • Remember, if you make a good first impression, they'll just expect you to keep that crap up.
  • Safety first. Just kidding. Coffee's first. Safety comes in like third or fourth.
  • Not my circus, not my monkeys, but I certainly know the clowns.
  • Just saw a post that said, "Both the vaccinated and unvaccinated can catch COVID." A doctor responded, "Both Serena Williams and I can play tennis."
  • If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
  • BOSS: I pay you just enough so you don't quit. ME: I work just enough so you don't fire me.
  • At this point, if there was an apocalypse, most people would respond with, "Whatever...."
  • How do you prevent Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their little brooms.
  • I can't decide if I need a hug, an extra large coffee, 6 shots of vodka or two weeks of sleep.
  • Do you ever go out and while you're out, you say to yourself, "This is exactly why I don't go out?"
  • If you can't look back at your younger self and realize you were an idiot, you're probably still an idiot.
  • Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you could actually just be thirsty. Drink a pitcher of Margaritas and see what happens.
  • I'm trying to stop being mean, but first, you need to stop being so stupid.
  • A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So, the next day, I wore tap shoes to work. I like a challenge.
  • 2022 feels like that boyfriend you're taking back for the third time, because he swears he's changed.
  • Empty cop cars are just scarecrows for people.
  • Remember back when we would eat cake that someone had blown all over? Man, we were wild.
  • They say 129% of people exaggerate.
  • Kids with lice should be able to attend school and sit with kids who don't have lice. Kids with lice have rights. Treatment should be optional. Don't be a sheep.
  • Take me back to the days when I could rent an apartment for $500, I could fill up my car with $20 and coffee didn't have so many options. I miss the simple life.
  • "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.
  • My dog will literally eat anything until I put a pill in it. Then he's suddenly Gordon Ramsey!
  • Me: Good morning, is this the helpline for alcoholics? Phone: Yes. Me: How do you make a Mojito?

A Home COVID Test

  1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it.
  2. If you can smell the wine, drink it to see if you can taste it.
  3. If you can smell it and taste it, that means you don't have COVID

Last night, I did the test 19 times and each one was negative, thank God. Tonight, I'm going to repeat the test because I woke up with a headache and feel like I'm coming down with something.

TOP FIVE MOVIES COMING OUT TODAY ON WINNIE THE POOH DAY

  1. "The Tigger King"
  2. "Pooh the Right Thing"
  3. "Batman and Christopher Robin"
  4. "Kids, I shrunk the Honey"
  5. "Eeyores, Mine and Ours"

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU REALLY NEED A VACATION

  1. You've started making a lot of mistakes, including at the wrong jobs
  2. You have started to look like your passport photo
  3. Several travel agencies are offering you trips as a test case
  4. They caught you screaming at the elevator again
  5. You planned on this year, but it was at work
Laugh a little, would ya?

 
 
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