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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,399th Edition
Friday, December 9th, 2022

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
 

Health experts are now saying that walking backwards can actually be beneficial, improving your stability and balance. Well, unless, of course, you're standing near a cliff or traffic.

If an elf takes a picture of himself, is that an ‘elfie'?

Women say flowers and jeans are the top two things they like to splurge on. Which is why I never buy flowers; I figure you've already got some.

Over 4,400 seniors -- those over 65 -- visit the emergency room each year due to an accident involving walking their dog. I KNEW they were in on it!

I've developed this weird preference so that, if I'm going to hear a Fleetwood Mac song, I want it to be one of Christine McVie's.

Nick Cannon has been hospitalized with pneumonia, which will briefly slow down the world population explosion.

We've reached that stage where it's not unusual to hear, "Oh, is the World Cup still going on?"

Elon Musk is claiming that his life is in danger. Seems to me, it's more of the businesses he takes over that have a bigger concern.

A new study links ultra-processed foods with cognitive decline, whatever that means.

Hugh Hefner's NBA Championship Ring from the 2000 Lakers is going to be auctioned off. Although he wasn't part of the team, Lakers owner Jerry Russ was a fan of Heff's. There's a "he scored a lot" joke in there, but I'm going to let it go....

A new study says that people with warmer noses are better at fighting off colds. That's why that brown-noser at work never gets sick.

2022's hottest words were "peculiar" and "depressing", obviously chosen by listeners of this show. (or Denver Bronco fans)

Mindy Kaling says that most of the characters in "The Office" would be canceled today. Good thing we got that one, just under the wire.

A recent study says that if you can't stand your neighbor, you are more likely to have a heart attack. Well, if that's the case, then I actually like you, ya big jerk!

I don't want to live forever. Just long enough to be a great grandfather, and then be just OK at it.

Walker's dead in Georgia. Like that's something new. Yeah, I've seen too much "Walking Dead."

I always shop local when I can. At my desk. On Amazon. Not what you had in mind?

It's good every now and then to unplug. Just not when visiting someone on a ventilator.

The average person will spend 5 months of their life complaining. That number is much higher for Denver Bronco fans.

It is now legal for women -- and men -- to be topless at beaches on the popular vacation island of Nantucket, off the coast of Massachusetts. Perfect! Just in time for winter!

Brendan Fraser says he starved himself while making "George of the Jungle." Funny, but the movie made me lose my appetite.

Aaron Judge has resigned with the New York Yankees. As for that $360-million offer from the San Francisco Giants: Judge not.

So, you're saying that we get to watch Baker Mayfield against Russell Wilson on Christmas Day? They should call it the "Lumps of Coal Bowl."

From Facebook:

  • Please don't pick on children who still believe in Santa. I know some adults who still believe in the Dallas Cowboys.
  • You know why they call it, "The most wonderful time of the year?" Because the mosquitoes are dead.
  • One door closes, another one opens. One door closes, another one opens. One door closes, another one opens: Me, eating my way through an Advent calendar
  • Christmas is a great time of year because you can yell out, "Don't come in here" and people will think you're wrapping presents, when you just want to be alone.
  • I asked Alexa, "What do women want?" The darn thing hasn't shut up for seven days... .
  • Christmas: the only time of year where you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.
  • Pre-school rules and bar rules are the same. You pee your pants, you go home.
  • Don't use a big word when a loquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.
  • There are seven days in the week and someday isn't one of them.
  • 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. The stables have turned.
  • I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
  • You're old when you start watching "Home Alone" and your first thought is, "I wonder how much their mortgage is?"
  • You say, "4-hour car ride." I say, "4-hour live concert, featuring me!"
  • Why do we call them 'olives' instead of ‘Greece's pieces'?
  • If being in pajamas by 7pm is wrong, I don't wanna be right!
  • When is the employee Christmas Party for the self-check at Wal-Mart?
  • What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet.
  • Some day I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, it's alcohol.
  • I finally realized why I look so bad in pictures. It's my face.
  • My last relationship taught me: I can be the whole package, but be at the wrong address.
  • One of my four nephews just brought me a bottle of wine and said, "Here's your Christmas juice!" Now he's the one I'm leaving everything to.
  • Being abducted by aliens just might be the vacation I need at this point.
  • Where can I find a microwave that doesn't beep so loud and let my family know I'm eating again?
  • I was today years old when I learned that the numbers on the toaster are for minutes, not for the level of toast-ness.
  • If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.
  • Every dead body up on Mount Everest was once a highly motivated person. So, just calm down.
  • Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking, so it hits someone else.
  • It's not a middle finger. I'm just making a hand unicorn for you.
  • I don't care what the question is-the answer is "chocolate."
  • I just broke my own personal record for most days on earth. High five!
  • Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
  • All I want for Christmas is you . . . and a bunch of presents. Here's my list.
  • Why isn't there an "eye-roll" reaction on Facebook?
  • December 25th is the one day of the year I'm actually a morning person.
  • I feel concerned about gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
  • Parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal-it's cruel and outdated. Behave, or Santa will break your cell phone, kids!
THE ELVES' TOP FIVE MOST FAVORITE PRACTICAL JOKES
  1. The classic Nair-in-the-beard-cream trick
  2. Sneaking Kanye on to the Good list
  3. Taking in Santa's suit when he's not looking
  4. Inviting Santa to use his tongue and test out their new stick-proof pole
  5. Feeding the reindeer beans on Christmas Eve

TOP FIVE WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS OF ALL TIME

  1. One Snowshoe (you'll get the other one next Christmas)
  2. The Potato of the Month Club
  3. Home Colonoscopy Kit
  4. One shoe
  5. Pre-holed socks

TOP FIVE ELVES WHO APPLIED TO WORK AT SANTA'S WORKSHOP BUT WEREN'T HIRED

  1. Charlie Call-in-sick
  2. Klutzy Thumbhammer
  3. Slowas Molasses
  4. Kleppy Klepto
  5. Lazy Bigslacker

TOP FIVE WORST-EVER CHRISTMAS IDEAS

  1. Leaving out venison for Santa
  2. Greasing your roof
  3. A whoopee hearth
  4. See through wrapping paper
  5. Coal-Powered Christmas Lights
Laugh a little, would ya?
 


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