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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,165th Edition
June 22nd, 2018


Gotta get out and hit those After Summer Solstice Sales

A new study says that people of faith typically live four years longer than atheists. Then again, the atheists have no where to go.

A power outage at the Las Vegas airport caused delays this week. The bad news is that people were without power for hours. The good news-they still have the mortgage money!

A court has ruled there is no privacy for cellphones with a 1-2-3-4 password. Great, now I've got to remember a new one. Oh, wait! A-B-C-D! Uh, probably shouldn't have said that out loud.

Kim Kardashian says she wants a better way to fix typos on Twitter. Oh, wait. That should be "hippos".

If you're making too many typos on your phone, Uber says they can now determine if you're drunk, or ever competed in a spelling bee.

They say some Canadians are boycotting American products and canceling vacations here because of President Trump's recent comments. Just for that, I'm drinking one less Labatt's....every meal.

I feel bad I missed last Thursday. President Donald Trump, the 72nd President of the United States, turned 45.
Wait. I think I've got those reversed.

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish last week. And, of course, since it was CNN reporting it, they blamed President Trump.

Domino's Pizza announced they're going to start filling potholes in select towns across the country, no mater if they're large or family size.

Two burglars broke into the estate of Wayne Newton the other night and got away. Dat's a shame. Darling, dat's a shame... ..

OK, Dad, day of worship is over. Back to reality for another 364 days.

Remember, it's always refreshing to occasionally just unplug and free yourself from all electronic devices. Unless, of course, you're on life-support.

Russian authorities are warning women there against having sex with foreigners during the World Cup. For one, it'll distract from the game...

For the first time, astronomers have been able to see a supermassive black hole devouring a star. The incident occurred immediately after being on a really strict diet.

Catherine Zeta-Jones says she is "sick of being humble." Yes, and I'm tired of people complaining about random things.

"Fox & Friends" co-host Pete Hegseth is being sued by a man injured in an axe-throwing stunt. Who knew axe-throwing could be dangerous?

A study says life is so stressful that people now need 8.5 hours of sleep a night... which means, percentage-wise, I'm now getting even less.

Come on: 8.5 hours a day. That's not sleep, that's a commute!

A survey says fewer U.S. teens are smoking cigarettes, having sex and drinking milk... and an even smaller amount are doing all three at the same time.

A Trump supporter disrupted a performance of the Robert De Niro directed musical "A Bronx Tale" on Saturday - standing up during the curtain call and displaying a "Keep America Great!" flag towards the audience. We all know what De Niro probably said.

Seen on Facebook: Isn't it amazing how potatoes give us both French fries and vodka?

President Trump wants to create a U.S. Space Force. The idea to focus on space just appeared in his head. And we're stopping there.

Meghan Markle's dad claims that Prince Harry told him to "give Donald Trump a chance." Haven't we?

A study says 10% of all Millennials don't tip when they eat out. In their defense, why should they tip their parents?

Starbucks says they're going to be closing 150 stores. That means there will now only be two stores between here and your favorite Starbucks.

Starbucks is going to close over 100 stores next year. They're going to start with the Starbucks stores that have Starbucks stores inside them. It seems redundant.

Yes, last night was Summer's Eve, but that name has already been taken.

If we don't talk about politics, you can just imagine I agree with you. Or you can think I'm a nutjob from the other side. But again, if we don't talk about politics, we can probably get along great!

Some of the TV networks are tightening their belts. Now if you want to watch Dr. Phil, there's a $20 co-pay.

Scientists say moderate drinking teaches heart cells to toughen up. I don't think it's any secret that my heart has been in cross-training for years.

Canada is legalizing recreational marijuana. At least until Trump is out of office.

Today is the 20th annual “Take Your Day To Work Day!” Or, in your pet’s view, the 140th “Going to Work With Master Day!”
 
Just a reminder that today is also “National Leave Your Cat At Home Day.”
 
If you insist on picking mushrooms, you need to look for certain signs to be sure they’re not poisonous. Those signs say things like Kroger’s, Albertson’s, Safeway…. (your local grocery stores)
 
A study says Millennials are moving out of their parents’ basements. Most of them waiting until the garage is completely refurbished.
 
Seattle is banning all plastic straws as of July 1st. While most of the residents there drink coffee, the three soda drinkers are said to be very upset.
 
If you like saying the phrase, “That’s the last straw”, you probably want to move to Seattle. Quickly.
 
The new law was supported by the Broken Backed Camels Club of America.
 
United Airlines announced that they would not allow their flights to transport children separated from their parents. Immigration Services responded with, “You weren’t even a consideration. Look, we’re cruel but not THAT cruel!”

TOP FIVE WAYS YOU BLEW IT ON FATHER'S DAY

  1. You thought it was today
  2. You gave him last year's gift again and this time, he recognized it
  3. You finally asked why you have red hair and he doesn't.
  4. You took him fishing and forgot to pick him up
  5. You asked all the neighbor kids to play on his lawn

TOP FIVE REASONS YOUR AIRLINE TICKETS WERE SO CHEAP

  1. Your seat is in the new experiment Crying Baby section
  2. The price did not include actually flying
  3. Well, there's those prison work-release flight attendants
  4. They offered peanuts. Two, to be exact.
  5. In-flight food menu is leftovers
Laugh a little, would ya?
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