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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,235th Edition
November 15th, 2019

Mid-Way Through The Month! Yikes!

I just saw a recipe for pickle cupcakes on Facebook. Give me a moment...

From Facebook: I hate when Healthy Me does the grocery shopping because now, Fat Me would like a snack.

Then there's punk rocker John Lydon who invites fans to meet him for $75. That seems desperate. I'd meet you for only $50.

Some Starbucks holiday cups this year say, "Merry Coffee." So as not to offend anyone, there are others that wish you a "Happy Americanokah."

Will Smith is sharing a video of his colonoscopy to encourage health screening. I'm going to wait for the book to come out. Hopefully, it has a better ending than "Gemini Man."

A Cal Tech scientist is claiming that we all exist in multiple universes. I don't know if all of me agrees with that.

An Oregon actress playing a murderer in a film is being charged with the real life killing of her uncle. Talk about being type cast....

A study says girls and boys are equally good at math. At least 9 out of every 7 times.

From Facebook: If you lose a sock in your dryer, it actually comes back as a lid that doesn't fit any of your Tupperware containers.

San Francisco's newly elected district attorney says that public urination will not be prosecuted. So, when in the City by the Bay, no more having to find a restroom!

Former Trump Press Secretary Sean Spicer got the boot this week on "Dancing with the Stars." He blamed the Democrats.

A Texas husband and his wife aged 106 and 105 have been named the oldest couple in the world. The person presenting them the award has rung the doorbell and expects them to answer in the next week or two.

FIFA has banned a soccer official for ten years for stealing and forgery. Although, the referee now has a document signed by a judge over-ruling the ban. It looks sort of official.

People Magazine has named John Legend as this year's "Sexiest Man Alive." Once again, not letting me know how close I finished in second place.

There has been a change in the rules and now, Marines are allowed to carry umbrellas. The few. The dry. The Marines.

A woman is suing a New Jersey country club after a waiter spilled wine on her $30,000 purse and ruined it. The country club, in turn, is suing the waiter. Ah, rich people's problems... .

And may I just say I'm mildly annoyed by the fact that her purse costs more than my car is worth.

The folks in Toms River, New Jersey, say their town has been completely been taken over by wild turkeys. Residents say they can't even go outside without being attacked. How is that a problem with Thanksgiving two weeks from today? Isn't that just keeping them fresh?

There's a company in South Africa that is making gin using elephant dung. No way I'm going to try that, gin for brains.

From Facebook:
  • A sign in the library-Please note. The post-apocalyptical fiction section has been moved to current affairs.
  • Bob and his wife both started a diet. His wife proposed a cheat day. She brought home McDonalds and some wings, he brought home his secretary. Bob is now recovering in a hospital.
HIM: Sarcasm never gets you anywhere.
ME: Well, it got me to the Sarcasm Olympics in Peru in 2009.
HIM: Really?
ME: No.

They're calling the impeachment hearings a real Schiff Show.

The world's largest Starbucks opens in Chicago today. I wonder how long until they build another one across the street.

"Wheel of Fortune" host Pat Sajak has said "the worst has passed." But enough about this show... as for Pat, he's getting better.

A new study says that falling asleep and staying asleep is harder than ever. I gotta admit, I'm pretty exhausted. In fact, I just took a quick nap. Did I finish this story?
 

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR ICE HOCKEY TEAM IS NOT VERY GOOD

  1. Team goalie hates getting puck bruises
  2. Several plays feel more comfortable wearing roller skates
  3. Nickname around the league: "Sure win"
  4. Last goal they scored, the team goalie hadn't been born yet
  5. All the players wear pillows on their butts

TOP FIVE SIGNS THANKSGIVING IS COMING UP

  1. Everyone has stopped selling turkey insurance
  2. Special prices on Tofurkey-not doin' it!
  3. Kids trying to figure out who to tell you they'd like to do their own thing this year
  4. Crank calls on the increase at Mayflower Moving and Storage
  5. Everyone's talking about Christmas

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY CAN'T TRUST THAT WITNESS TAKING THE STAND

  1. His pants just burst into flames
  2. He ends every single thing he says with... .."Not!"
  3. When swearing in, he put a fake hand on the Bible
  4. Refuses to uncross his fingers on both hands
  5. His real name is Lye N. Fibber
Laugh a little, would ya?
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