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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,229th Edition
October 4th, 2019

100% humorous or your funny back!

From Facebook:

  • Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. In other words, chocolate is salad!
  • What if they're not really stars, but rather, holes pocked in the top of the container so that we can breathe?
  • I woke up and there was a note from my girlfriend on the refrigerator that said, "This is not working. Bye." I opened the door and she was wrong. It was working just fine.

The man who created the Labradoodle breed of dog is apologizing for his actions. Bad breeder. Bad!

UCLA has received $20 million to establish a kindness institute. Nice. I mean, really nice. Extremely nice.

A football referee in a game in Maine was injured when shot by a cannon. I don't know about you, but I'm surprised it took this long.

Some middle school students in Philadelphia were sickened by pot-laced Rice Krispy treats. Back in my day, we never considered that being sick.

A study says optimism may lengthen people's lives. If you don't believe it, that could shave a couple of years off your life.

A study says Millennials put themselves in debt for their pets. To be honest, they should really make their pets pay for their own college.

A study says over-exercising leads to poor decisions. If that's the case, I really should be the next president.

Just think, if we used the Spanish word for corn, this fall you'd be wandering through a Maize maze.

Southeast Missouri was rattled by five earthquakes in one hour on Monday. Hey, you guys were the ones who said, "Show me!"

"The Irishman" has been given a 100% positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes website. There was actually one bad review, but it was changed to a good one shortly after the guy disappeared.

Coach Mike Leach called his Washington State football players "fat, dumb, happy and entitled" after a loss. And those were just the ones he liked.

One of the players was quick to respond, "Hey, that's Mr. Fat, Dumb, Happy and Entitled to you, pal!"

A bit of a slip the other day when a reporter asked him, "How's it going?" and he replied, "Just impeachy."

The first rule of Lawless Club is that there are no rules, so ignore what I just said.

Big news-30 years after I was Hooked on Phonics, I'm finally clean.

Coming soon: Coca Cola Energy, that tastes like Coke, but has four times the caffeine. Have a Coke and smile until your teeth hurt.

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin say they have no plans to get married again next week.

Jerry has strengthened into a Category 1 hurricane. On the positive side, this one has a friendlier name.

Donald Trump reportedly suggested a water-filled trench along the Mexican border filled with alligators and snakes. They tried that with me and the refrigerator. Didn’t work.
 
A study says Gary, Indiana is the most miserable city in the U.S.. The biggest reason they’re so miserable—because they’re living in Gary, Indiana.
 
China has unveiled a nuclear missile that can strike the U.S. in 30 minutes. What they need to do is make it so that it can deliver a pizza.
 
Scientists in Japan say they’ve developed artificial blood that is better than the real thing. And by “the real thing”, of course, I mean Coca Cola.
 
A Florida church bought a strip club to house their growing congregation. I’m imagining this very disturbing way of passing the plate.
 
There’s concern about people going to the “Joker” movie this weekend and possibly being violent. Not because of the content of the movie, but where ticket prices have gone since the last time they went to one.

 

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR KIDS SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THE PHONE

  1. They text you to ask if they can call you -- from across the dinner table!
  2. You haven't seen them actually look up in weeks
  3. They now know how to Snapchat over Instagram while posting to Facebook
  4. They have an app that organizes their apps
  5. Verizon has named a cell tower after them

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU JUST GOT A REALLY BAD HAIRCUT

  1. As soon as you leave, salon changes their name
  2. Stylist requests you keep your eyes closed until you get home
  3. Hair stylist looked over and said, "Oh, that's a felony"
  4. You could have sworn she said under her breath, "I'm so glad I'm not you"
  5. Stylist breaks every mirror in the place so you can't see it.
Laugh a little, would ya?
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