A special 4th of July holiday memory I'd like to share with you.
Bill Gates bought 2100 acres of potato farmland in North Dakota. Some locals are so upset about the transaction, they want to build a school locker just so they could shove Bill into it.
Researchers studying Alzheimer's say there is a link between the disease and both swearing and bad parking. It's been nice knowing you.
Yes, she was the kind of girl you wanted to take home to mom if you knew that mom was out of town that weekend.
I love it when politicians drop the partisan stuff. Like today, when a group of Republicans bought President a new bike.
I can't believe that Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson is debating on whether or not to invite Mama June to her graduation. Then again, I'm also having a hard time believing she's graduating.
A good day for stocks! Yep, the Supreme Court said we should bring those back, too!
Costco is recalling 400,000 solar-powered deck umbrellas because they might burst into flames. It really harshes your buzz when you're out relaxing on the deck.
Rudy Giuliani walked into a Staten Island grocery store and got slapped by an employee who called him a "scumbag." Yeah, I'm surprised it was only one employee, too.
Getting ready for bed: It takes women 12 minutes, guys only 7 minutes, if you don't include passouts.
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled yesterday that its OK for a high school to pray on the field with his players, except if they're praying for them to reverse their decision on Roe versus Wade.
Iceland Air says the best place in the world to live and work remotely from is Kansas City, Missouri. Well, yeah, but then you'd probably have to become a Chiefs fan...although, that could give you an in with Jake from State Farm.
Well, it looks like I've reached plenty-around-the-mid summer.
12 players and coaches were suspended after that brawl on Sunday between the L.A. Angels and the Seattle Mariners. On the positive side, that was the most hits the Mariners had during any game so far this season.
Bono says he found out about a half-brother he didn't even know existed back in 2000. When he first met the guy for the first time, Bono said he couldn't believe it... and his new brother replied, "U2?"
But even though Bono learned about an older brother his father had outside of his marriage, he still hasn't found what he's looking for... .
If Steve Martin and Martin Short are going to continue working together so much, couldn't we just give the two of them one name? Steve Martin Short!
The other day on Sesame Street, Elmo got the COVID vaccine. Oscar the Grouch remains a "no-masker."
Oops, my bad. I was telling you that the big fireworks display coming up on the waterfront is actually called "Thunder on the Bay", NOT "Thunder Down Under on the Bay." Apologies to all of you who stocked up on $1 bills.
Cinnabon has just introduced their first non-cinnamon roll treat: Chocolate Bon Bites. I think I just heard my belt sigh.
The French's condiment people have come up with a summer treat: Ketchup Flavored popsicles.
- I guess they'd go great with French Fry Flavored Ice Cream.
- Ketchup popsicles. The good news is, they're only available in Canada. O, Canada... ...
- Not surprising, everyone in their New Product division played hockey. Without helmets.
Air New Zealand has introduced the next-level flight pod for long flights. I'm sorry, but "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" has scarred me from ever willingly climb into a pod.
A bust of President Lincoln and a plaque with the Gettysburg Address have been removed from Cornell University after someone complained about them. My guess is, a descendant of the family that gave him the theater tickets.
Wallethub has ranked Seattle as one of the worst-run cities in the United States. A city spokesman was unavailable for comment because it was Happy Hour.
Branson, Missouri, is America's number one bus destination. Except, of course, those going to prison.
Taste buds live about 10 days before being replaced by new ones. This explains why you never see them at a family reunion.
To everyone flying over the 4th of July weekend-see you stranded at the airport on the evening news!
- Whenever the machines do take over, they're going to access all the data from my fitness tracker and realize that there's no way I'm a threat.
- My housekeeping style is best described as "there appears to have been a struggle".
- I tried cooking with wine last night. After 5 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen!
- I dream of a day when paper towel manufacturers just say how many rolls are in the package, instead of how many hypothetical rolls would be in the package if they were some other hypothetical size.
- I don't know how to act my age. I've never been this age before.
- Your secrets are safe with me because there is a good chance I wasn't really listening.
- Remember to drink lots of water and stay indoors between 11am and November 2nd.
- A Midwest cookout could feature seven different salads and not a single one would have lettuce.
- Kids today can complain. But when I was growing up, I was traumatized by two Darrens.
- I wondered why music was coming from my printer. It turned out the paper was jamming.
- You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
- How am I supposed to live in a world where truffle can mean either chocolate or fungus?
- My 5-year-old son asked me, "Where does poo come from?" Well, I stumbled around an answer as best I could for his young mind. He looked a bit shocked, and then asked, "Well then, what about Tigger?"
- I show affection to my pets by holding them close to me and repeating over and over "I love you" as they struggle to get free.
- If you eat an entire cake without cutting it first, you technically only had one piece.
- Due to rising costs, dirty deeds can no longer be done dirt cheap. Sorry for any inconvenience.
- Honestly, I don't even play an active role in my life anymore. Things just happen and I'm like, "Oh, so this is what we're doing now? O.K."
- Things I hate about my job: 1) Getting out of bed 2) People 3) Working
- When you compare the size of a gummy worm to a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.
- Never take a dog named "Shark" to the beach.
- If you drink a milk shake on the edge of a cliff, that's ledge and dairy.
- I've really got to get into shape. Today I realized, if I was murdered, my chalk outline would be a circle.
- I didn't meant to push all your buttons. I was just looking for 'mute'.
- The brownies I started baking in my Easy-Bake Oven back in 1979 are finally done. Who wants one?
- Roses are red, I wish I was in bed, I suck at poetry. Coffee.
- I shoot golf in the 70s. When it gets any colder, I quit!
- Relish today. Ketchup tomorrow.
- I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak restaurants. They would be for people who love meat tender.
- The United States is reportedly sending Baker Mayfield overseas, as he gives us the best chance to overthrow Russia.
- When you see me in my swimsuit, mind your own business. I thought we were going to die for the past three years, so I've been snackin'.
- For the record, I'm not afraid to call in sick from the parking lot.
- Cats were once worshipped as gods in ancient Egypt. They haven't forgotten.
- Back in my day, panic buying was what happened when the bartender announced, "Last call!"
- The school called me today and said that my son was telling lies. I replied, "Wow, he's really good. I don't have any kids!"
- A shout out to everyone who grew up with report cards that said, "Talks too much!"
- So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery and Daffy asks, "Is this whisky?" and Elmer replies, "Yes, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."
- The Evening News is where they start with "Good evening" and then tell you why it isn't.
- I wish the Dollar Store sold gas.
- I hate it when people say, "Well, it could have been worse." It could have also been a whole lot better.
- I get most of my exercise these days shaking my head in disbelief.
- OK, I came up with a new dating app idea. You match people up who are on the same medications. I'd call it, ‘Relationscripts'.
- At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part. It's getting up off the floor that's tricky!
TOP FIVE NEW DINOSAURS FEATURED IN THE MOVIE, "JURASSIC PARK: WORLD DOMINION"
- The Gift-Raptor
- The Coffee-and-Tea-Rex
- The Ford Bronto-saurus
- The Ptero Dac Prescott
- The I-Think-They-Saurus
TOP FIVE SYMPTOMS YOU HAVE MONEYPOX
- You've legally change your name to Mickey Dolenz
- Stop throwing things out of the bathroom
- Only video game you'll play is Donkey Kong
- You'd like to go into business with an organ grinder
- You've started peeling bananas with your feet
TOP FIVE DUMBEST THINGS EVER SAID ON "STRANGER THINGS"
- "Boy, that 11 is a 10!"
- "In the Upside Down world, is Upside Down Cake right side up?"
- "Geeze, Joyce is about as weird as Winona Ryder!"
- "Kind of ironic that Hopper is a copper"
- "Is anyone else tired of the song, ‘Running up a Hill'?"