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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,178th Edition
September 21st, 2018

Time to hit the After Tim Hunter Birthday Sales

A new study from Gallup that says last year, 2017, was the most miserable year on record. Hillary Clinton was quoted as saying, "2016 wasn't that great, either."

A lot of people were surprised over the weekend in movie theaters when they went to see "Predator" and found out it was not about Les Moonves.

NASA is looking into selling naming rights to their spacecraft. Can the Starbucks Pumpkin-Spiced Satellite be far behind?

An Oregon novelist who wrote about "How to Murder Your Husband" has been charged with murdering her husband. She's supposedly been working on a new book, called, "How to get the reporter that reported on you."

The new Apple watch has a function that detects when the wearer has fallen. Which has the folks over at First Alert shaking in their walkers.

A new study claims that machines will be doing more tasks than humans by the year 2025. I'll have to ask my emotional response machine how I feel about that.

Britain's oldest living person, Grace Jones, originally from Liverpool, says her secret to a long life is a dram of whiskey a day. Isn't it amazing how you can like someone, without having ever met them? Monday, she turned 112.

FEMA is testing a system that will allow Donald Trump to send emergency messages directly to U.S. cellphones. I would have paid to have been in the meeting where someone thought that would be a good idea.

A report says the best predictor of obesity is a person's ZIP code. I have to ask-does this 98177 make me look fat?

A report says Americans are eating fake meat and fake milk faster than ever. They say they love both, but I think they're faking it.

NHL Predator Austin Watson has been suspended 27 games for domestic assault. This could give Predators a bad name.

Ex-Mafia boss "Cadillac Frank" Salemme has been sentenced to life at age 85. Of course, at that age, a jay-walking conviction could have been a life sentence.

In Tacoma, a man shot himself in the leg at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant. What some people won't do to get out of a kid's party.

A new study found that just 52 percent of adults said they read books, while the other 48 percent said they were happy to wait for the movie.

Starbucks yesterday announced plans to build 10,000 eco-friendly stores by 2025. They're hoping that will be an end to our long-standing Starbucks shortage.

You know what you and Burt Reynolds' son, Quinton, have in common? Neither of you are in Burt's will. He left his niece in charge of his estate. Thanksgiving dinner just got even more awkward.

Coca Cola is eyeing the cannabis-infused drink market. Soon, things could go really, really better with Coca Cola.

Mark Saltzman, a long-time writer for Sesame Street, has revealed he did indeed write Bert and Ernie as a gay couple. As for Oscar the Grouch, some day he may come out... .but just out of his trash can.

A study says taking a daily aspirin may be harmful to older adults. That's a double-whammy. It could hurt you AND you have to admit you're older.

A new book claims that Tom Brady has had enough of Bill Belichick. I don't have to write a book about it to tell you that I've already had enough of both!

Sesame Street is officially denying a report by one of its writers that Bert and Ernie are gay. They say they are just best friends. Maybe just Puppets with benefits.

They're saying now that a "spit test" could predict heart attack and stroke risk. Well, sure, if you spit on your doctor, he's not going to tell you if anything's wrong and then you're a goner!

Wal-Mart says it will no longer sell clothes bearing the Soviet-style hammer and sickle. That's going to really tick off their Bolshevik customers.

A survey says one in three adults fear the 2018 election results will be altered. The president has assured everyone that they'll love who wins.

A report says the best predictor of obesity is a person's ZIP code. You're officially obese if the length of your belt matches your zip code.

A study says household disinfectants could be making kids obese. That's why we only buy the low calorie, gluten-free household disinfectants.

In India, an Uber passenger had to drive himself home when the driver arrived really drunk. No word if he tipped himself.

An Arby's in California is offering customers free Arby's tattoos. Yeah, that's what I really want--the words, "I have the meats" on my forearm.

In Stuart, Florida, neighbors have complained to police, but apparently, it’s perfectly legal for one of their residents to do his gardening in the nude. Careful with that weed wacker, pal!
 
United Airlines has debuted a new boarding procedure to cut down on overcrowding at the gates. No confirmation if their new process involves a cattle prod.
 
Kelly Clarkson is going to get her own daytime TV talk show. Apparently, there was a shortage.
 
The marijuana industry is pushing to eliminate the word “stoner.” The biggest challenge has been that they’re the ones that keep forgetting which word they wanted to eliminate.
 

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'VE JUST CHECKED INTO A FLEABAG HOTEL

  1. The sign outside says, "The Fleabag Hotel"
  2. You'd swear you just saw the bedspread move
  3. The room is being considered as a future challenge on this season of "Survivor"
  4. As you walk in, the roaches are walking out
  5. Well, there's that chalk outline of a body in the carpeting

TOP FIVE POSSIBLE SLOGANS FOR CANNABIS-INFUSED COCA COLA

  1. "Get a nose-hit of this belch"
  2. "Have a Coke and a Smile followed by 5 minutes of hysterics"
  3. "Open Giddiness"
  4. "It's the real far-out thing"
  5. "Things go... something..."
TOP FIVE WARNING SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN THE WRONG DENTIST
  1. First time you've ever been to combination Dental Office/Auto Repair Shop
  2. Says the tooth fairy is real. Seriously.
  3. Solution to everything-"Let's yank ‘em!"
  4. Can only schedule appointments on his visiting day
  5. Fills cavities with Play-doh
Laugh a little, would ya?
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