I've never understood the idea of a wine cellar. Walking down those stairs to get a bottle that I could just keep for a brief amount of time in the kitchen.
My secret to happiness? Not getting into an argument with someone on Facebook.
Yeah, for some reason, it just feels like an hour later...
Time to get out there and hit those "After Day of the Dead" sales.
King Charles has removed all of Prince Andrew's royal titles. The ruling is so strict, even while playing checkers, Andrew is no longer allowed to use the phrase, "King me!!"
President Trump says he wants to resume nuclear testing, but he's going to do it slowly, starting first with a few atomic pop quizzes.
In case you missed it, Jacksonville Jaguars kicker Cam Little nailed a 68-yard field goal on Sunday. His next attempt will be trying to kick a field goal from the bench.
They say you can double your memory capacity by sleeping with an infuser or other essential oils. I've been meaning to do that, but I keep forgetting.
According to a new survey, nearly half of people say if they're going to work out, they prefer to do it at home. That's me, I just don't want to have to remove all those clothes hanging on the treadmill.
U.S. Customs intercepted a truck packed with 163 snakes, lizards, and other exotic animals. The driver claimed he was "just helping a friend move". The trouble began when a guard asked, "Is that a python in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"
ChatGPT is no longer allowed to give medical advice. So now, what am I going to do with all these leeches?
In Japan, a man live-streamed his wedding to an A.I. chatbot.
- Instead of a Best Man, he had a Best Bot!
- The couple was registered at Nvidia.
- She'll never forget their anniversary, unless he clears her browser history.
- The ring bearer was a Roomba and the flower girl was Alexa.
- Instead of "I do," she said, "I accept your terms and conditions."
People Magazine has named Jonathon Bailey as 2025's Sexiest Man Alive. Once again, I came in a distant second.
If only they had a "least" category....
People who make their bed after waking up tend to have a better memory. And I can't even remember if that I did that this morning or not...
Sri Lanka has announced a crackdown on riding an elephant while drunk. The driver, not the elephant. And the fine is not peanuts.
Tom Brady has confirmed that his dog, Junie, was cloned from a previous dog his previous dog. Makes me wonder about his new girlfriend, Miselle.
By the way, this has been National "How do I change the clock in my car again?" Week.
I'm starting a GoFundMe to raise money so they can afford to make an ending for the movie, "A House of Dynamite."
Watching it felt like I had just seen a soccer game that ended 0-0.
Results from a new survey show that half of Gen Z and millennials admit to be willing to overdraft their accounts or go into debt just to impress a date. I remember those days. So long ago....
Crap. Now I need to memorize how to spell Zohran Mamdani.
Debra Messing is getting a lot of flack for calling the new mayor of New York City "a jihadist." Well, she's pretty strong willed. And, where there's a will, there's a Grace.
According to a new survey, 51% of young people in America admit to faking wealth and exaggerating their success.
You say the word, and I will give you $100. Now, all you have to do is guess what the word is.
In Illinois, a woman was arrested after giving birth to a baby that was apparently fathered by her daughter's junior high dance date. It's going to be an awkward Thanksgiving this year.
41 is the average age when people start taking vitamins in order to get healthy. Funny-that's when I started giving up!
From Facebook:
- I was terrified of ghosts when I was growing up. Mom told me that if I vacuumed the house, I would suck up any ghosts in the house. I was so na¯ve.
- ME: I'm manifesting abundance. UNIVERSE: Best I can do is anxiety and an extra chin.
- I knew the psychic was no good the minute she accepted my check.
- Turning back the clocks and adding an hour to 2025, is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.
- What do you mean, where was I on Friday? I was here. Dressed up like a ghost. Really good costume, huh?
- I just saw an idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
- If you ever need me, I'm just six missed calls and 7 text messages away!
- Apparently, it's rude to give your co-worker a "Get better soon" card, when you're hoping they somehow get better at their job.
- Remember back when, before the internet, people thought the cause of stupidity was lack of information? It wasn't that.
- Irish Chili has only 239 beans. One more would be too farty.
- Boss: You're not being paid to be sarcastic at work. Me: If I was, I could afford to retire next week.
- I saved over $300 today by not going to Costco for a rotisserie chicken and toilet paper.
- I wasn't aware that the government shutdown in Washington, D.C. included the Commanders.
- How do I get a hurricane named after me? I've been a natural disaster all of my life-I'm pretty sure I meet all the requirements.
- We've seen you dance. You don't need a ballroom.
- I'm glad baseball season is finally over so I can start looking forward to the next baseball season.
- I just opened an actual can of worms. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.
- November doesn't have afternoons. It's just morning until 2 p.m., then night.
- Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
- I don't always carry the groceries with one arm, but when I do, the keys are in the other pocket.
- Remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don't need to take a picture of it this year.
- As a child, we were so poor, all my clothes came from an Army surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class!
- If someone calls you 'fat', ignore them. You're bigger than that!
- Damn. How much light are they trying to save? It's dark as hell!
- They said bird-watching would be nice and relaxing. Now, there you are, in a shouting match with a squirrel on the bird feeder.
- Self-checkout lines should include an employee discount.
- My body is not a temple. It is a decaying cabin in the woods with a horrifying past.
- Hello darkness, my old friend... is it 5 or 10pm?
- It's true that exercise helps you with making decisions. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going to do that again.
- Biscuits and gravy is just flour and milk poured over flour and milk.
- You know you're getting old when speed limits seem reasonable to you.
- Her: What's with the dozen donuts? Me: They're for my meeting at work. Her: Isn't it a zoom meeting? Me: And...?
- One day my wife and I woke up and decided we never wanted to sleep in again, we hated having a clean house & didn't want any money to spend on ourselves. So, we decided to have 3 kids.
- The good thing about science is that its true, whether you believe in it or not.
- If we just get through this month, then we have only one month to go before we have to get through another month.
- Do you know why cute people are so busy? I'll have to tell you why later.
- I wish they made bacon packages big enough to hold enough bacon for two people.
- If you're spending Thanksgiving alone this year, let me know. I need five extra chairs.
- A waitress asked if I wanted a box for my leftovers. We went three rounds before she knocked me out.
- The first French Fries were actually not made in France, but were cooked in grease.
- Warning: my give-a-damn expires every Friday at noon.
- With the amount of overthinking that I do... I really should make the right decisions more often.
- Every time I don't win the lottery, I take it personally.
- Never trust anyone who says they don't like bacon. What else are they lying about?
- I'm sick and tired of these 8 minute weekends.
- Being patient for six months finally paid off-my car clock is right again!
- Whoever invented Mondays owes me bacon.
TOP FIVE FUN THINGS TO DO THE FIRST WEEK OF NOVEMBER
- Tell the neighbor kids that you dropped a $100 bill in your front yard and if they rake up all the leaves and find it, they get to keep it.
- Tell everyone you know that Thanksgiving is three weeks from Thursday
- Break the news to the kids that the "Halloween Candy Thief" hit your house
- Start a countdown calendar to Veterans Day
- See if Candy Corn pops in the microwave
TOP FIVE THINGS A TURKEY DOES EVERY NOVEMBER
- Start a rumor about "Turkey COVID"
- Dress up like "Santa Turkey"
- Take out a "Gravy insurance" policy
- Search the Internet for a "Turkey Protection Program"
- Teaching the dog to "Gobble-gobble."
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY GETTING DUMBER
- 6-7
- Autocorrect keeps writing, "Oh, why bother?"
- New TV show: "Are you smarter than a pre-schooler?"
- Someone just asked, "What's the website address for Google?"
- Socks now come with instructions
TOP FIVE REINDEER COMPLAINTS
- Swanson's Reindeer Pot Pie
- OK, the idea of a "Donner Party" was funny once.....
- Dancer and Prancer always playing their Lady Gaga records.
- Elves' nicknames for them: Venison 1, Venison 2....
- When Santa hangs around the stable with his shirt off.
Laugh a little, would ya?
