I used to play Yahtzee a lot, but I've switched to Monopoly. It's been a real game-changer.
Brooke Shields says there was a time that Liam Neeson proposed... and then, ghosted her. My guess is that he must have contracted a serious case of sobriety.
Just noticed my credit card shaking nervously. I forgot tomorrow was Amazon Prime Day.
I see my favorite garden shop is having a sale on fertilizer spreaders. Gotta make sure I don't miss their spreader event.
My cardiologist just called with good news -- the Seahawks have a bye this weekend!
I'd just like to say thanks for listening and taking a moment from Amazon Prime Day to join us... .or, you're doing both. Never mind.
According to the latest poll, 89.7% of people are sick of hearing about the latest poll.
One day, I'd like to sit down and enjoy a pot of tea with you and Brad Pitt. Yes, I'd really enjoy a Pitt-tea party.
From Facebook: I want to be at the level of rich where I don't care about beef jerky prices anymore.
I'm getting so sick of those text messages, asking for money. Oh, not the candidates, my credit card companies. They got a little nervous about my spending yesterday on Amazon Prime Day. Today ought to put ‘em over the top.
They're having vaccine trials. What are the vaccines accused of doing?
We had a couple of power outages at my house yesterday. The thing I hate most about power outages: they always make you feel so... .powerless!
It's time to make pickles, so lots of people are buying pickling cukes and stuffing them into quart jars. But so you know, I'm not a fan of quart-packing.
That weird moment when you get a friend request on Facebook from an old high school classmate that died several years ago.
Be sure when you're about to put your ballot into a ballot collection box that it's a real one. For example, if the word ‘official' is spelled with an ‘sh', find another box.
A UK man has been charged with assault after allegedly farting in an Uber and then attacking the driver for complaining about it. I imagine there wasn't much of a tip, either.
I wish coffee was more like Beetlejuice. Say it's name three times and it just shows up! A study in Austria shows that cows are more relaxed when people talk with them in person, rather than over a loudspeaker. This probably explains why you don't see a lot of cows Zooming.
If you'd like to buy Ellen DeGeneres' Montecito compound, it's for sale. You'd just need to write a check for $39.9-million. I don't think they'd take Venmo.
Yesterday was "The Great Shakeout", when we were supposed to practice what we're supposed to do in the event of an earthquake. The toughest part of the drill was after we dropped and, at this age-just getting back up!
- A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?" The rabbit says, "I don't know. I'm only here because of voice recognition."
- When I catch people staring at me, I assume they're taking notes on how to be awesome.
- I'm a kid at heart, but a senior at knees and back.
- I stood waving at my neighbor for ten minutes before I realized she was cleaning her windows.
- Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving this year to save on Christmas gifts.
- The first thing you should know about me is that I'm not you. A lot more will make sense after that.
- I feel like Willie Nelson has been the same age my whole life.
- I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it is ready.
- Let's take a moment and give thanks for the fact that spiders can't fly.
- A recent study found that the average golfer walks around 900 miles a year. Another study showed that the average golfer drinks around 22 gallons of alcohol a year. Doing the math, golfers get around 41 miles to the gallon! That makes me feel like a hybrid!
- How to avoid stress at work-don't go to work.
- BOSS: This is the fourth time you've been late to work this week. Do you know what that means? ME: It's Thursday?
- Sarcasm is my first language and swearing my second.
- Instead of a Swear Jar, I have a Negativity Jar. So, whenever I have a negative thought, I put in a dollar. It's currently half empty. Crap, there's another dollar!
- You don't get a body like mine overnight. It takes years of moderate neglect and bacon.
- When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means stop bullets and kill dragons, not clean the basement and wash dishes.
- You know, if they had just made it "The Stay at Home Challenge", we'd probably be done with this by now.
- I mean this from the bottom of my heart-if it's text-able, don't call.
- I'm tired of people complaining about $7 beers, $10 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don't like the prices, stop coming to my house.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE SERIOUSLY OUT OF SHAPE
- Seriously, right now, your shadow is sweating
- You've taught your robo-vacuum to get you a beer
- Everything you own has elastic waists
- The max you can do is half a situp
- You got winded changing the channels on TV
TOP FIVE WORST DEALS ON AMAZON PRIME DAY
- The 50-Count Pack of Clorox Wipes (used)
- A 120-inch Black and White TV
- Kim Jong Un's autobiography, "What an Un Guy!"
- Pumpkin-Spiced Metamucil
- Confederate Statue Stock