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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,277th Edition
September 18th, 2020

2 days away from my birthday, but who's counting

NASA is offering to pay companies who go to the moon to mine rocks and minerals there. So, instead of sending astronauts to the moon, I guess they've decided to just bring the moon here, rock by rock.

Eggo is now selling Pumpkin Pie and Gingerbread waffles. If you want ‘em, I'll Leggo of mine.

From the smokey west coast:

  • I'm thinking about sticking a piece of salmon outside and letting the air smoke it.
  • Yeah, it's another one of those days when you get up and hope the sky is at least a healthy shade of orange.
  • The National Weather Service is advising people not to go outside and breathe the air, with one of their official "What are you, a moron?" Warnings.

Ford is offering a special off-road package for their Ranger pickups, called "The Tremor." Probably because the payments will have you shaking... .

A lock of Abraham Lincoln's hair was sold at auction for over $81,000. Ironically, the buyer was sitting in a booth.

I just read a new article, "The Five Things You Can Do To Avoid Reading Itemized Lists." Fascinating.

M&M's is coming out with a special blend of their candy-with plain, peanut and peanut-butter-filled M&M's all in one bag. Helping you avoid the embarrassment of having to buy three bags at once.

My wife would like to point out that it's not Tropical Storm Vicky-it's Victoria!

Oh, God, another text from Chris Evans. I don't want these pictures on my phone!

It's good to have goals. Especially, when playing soccer. If not, there will be even fewer goals.

From Facebook: My wife made coffee for me and winked at me when she handed me the cup. I've never been more scared of a drink in my life.

Reese's is coming out with a peanut butter cup that has both peanut butter and potato chips inside. I feel like we're this close to just taking everything we eat, putting it in a blender and then chowing down.

I prefer Mustang Sally over Hurricane Sally.

What's with the friendly hurricane names this year? Sally, Teddy, Vicky? You want people to take ‘em seriously, but then they think, "Oh, it's named Teddy. It can't be that bad."

Doing Zoomba over Zoom feels partially redundant.

Amazon has created a Luxury store for high-end customers, available by invitation only. I'm picturing Rolls Royce delivery trucks.

A woman in Scotland who missed her daily Greggs sausages during a shortage in the pandemic celebrated their return by getting a tattoo of the Greggs logo on her butt. Now, when you yell out, "Hey, sausage butt!" she'll turn around and say, "Yes?"

And this is exactly why I don't attempt spelling beeze.

From Facebook: My hands have absorbed so much hand sanitizer, when I pee, it cleans the toilet bowl.

The Federal Reserve announced yesterday that they're going to keep the interest rate near zero for the next 4-5 years, matching the interest rate of this show.

Costco is now selling a 48-ounce container filled with Reese’s Pieces, for those of you who have just completely given up.
 
In Florida, a fifth-grader was asked to remove his mask. His Hooters mask. Asking the teacher for a side of wings and a Pepsi didn’t help.
 
My problem is, I started thinking outside the box and go so distracted, I now don’t remember where I left the box. 
 
Carole Baskin is getting her own series on animal exploitation. There were actually several other hosts planned for the show, but no one can find them.
 
TOP FIVE THINGS TO DO DURING THIS LAST WEEK OF SUMMER
  1. Openly weep.
  2. Stick a salmon outside and let the air smoke it
  3. OK, go ahead and put on that Speedo one last time. But stay inside.
  4. Don't count up all the things you didn't do this year
  5. Throw away all those unused party invitations

TOP FIVE REASONS YOUR THIRD-PARTY CANDIDATE IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO WIN

  1. Won't debate opponents but offers to Jell-O wrestle them
  2. Strongly feels we should change our National Anthem to "She bangs! She bangs!"
  3. Plans to negotiate with the zombies to avoid an apocalypse
  4. Wants to replace facemasks with cellophane
  5. His weird stance on the dryer lint issue
Laugh a little, would ya?
PS--Don't forget about our friend, Ima Norwegian.  A new cartoon every week!
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