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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,217th Edition
July 12th, 2019

Apparently, summer is sleeping in

Instagram, Facebook and WhatsApp were down for hours last Thursday. Several conversations were said to have resulted.

Green Times Brewing in the U.K. has created a 7.2 per cent IPA containing cannabis oil. I fall asleep just thinking about it.

You know what I put at the top of my bucket list? Not to have a bucket list. That takes care of that!

Seems ironic that Nike has dropped some colonial flag shoes because of the slavery going on at the time... shoes that were made by a 4-year-old earning 10-cents an hour in Indonesia.

A new study claims that holding a grudge can make you feel ill. I'm going to hate that researcher until the day I die.

Yes, we get another Friday this week. There's just a four-day waiting period.

From Facebook: If you name your dog ‘Shark', don't take him to the beach.

Starbucks is apologizing to six police officers who were asked to leave a Starbucks store in Arizona. To add insult to injury, the baristas had written 'Firefighters' on their orders.

A study says Texas is the best state in which to start a business. The one exception-if you were opening a University of Oklahoma team store.

What's the big deal with sink holes? The water has to drain out of the sink somewhere!

Congrats to John and Phyllis Cook, who fell in love at an Ohio nursing home and got married. He's 100-years-old, she's 102.

  • Yeah, she probably gets kidded about robbing the hospital bed.
  • They spent their honeymoon walking to the dining room.
  • They actually connected on that senior dating app, wheezer.
  • Not a day goes by that they don't say those three words to each other: "What? Huh? What?"

From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Look, some days you go to the gym and eat salads, some days you eat cupcakes and watch TV without your pants on. It's called ‘balance'. Look it up.

They've apparently revised those famous words: "One if by land, Two if by sea, Three if by air."

Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body? Good. Then I don't have to do it.

Iowa and Nevada will launch caucus voting by phone in 2020. Finally, voters will have the opportunity to just phone it in.

As another telemarketers gets through all the blocks I've put up, I can't help but think, "Voting by phone-what could possibly go wrong?"

An Israeli city has named a downtown roundabout after Donald Trump. A place where you could just go around in circles... .

Fear of that long awaited "Big One" has inspired panic buying in Southern California. I know my mom and sister went out and cornered the bubble-wrap market to protect their earthquake wine supply.

Facebook has set a goal of doubling their female workforce in five years.

A study says parents who listen help their kids do better in school. Kids, write that down for your parents in case they weren't listening again.

John Daly pulled out of the British Open because of being refused a golf cart and from a spider bite. Just in case you're wondering, the spider is doing fine.

A study says credit card use by kids 8-14 has skyrocketed. I remember when parents would give their kids a gold star-now it's a gold card!

A Florida man hunting iguanas accidentally shot a pool maintenance guy. I believe they are out of season.
 
U.S. fighter jets will be fitted with UFO trackers. Nice we’re installing equipment to detect something that they deny even exists.
 
The President of Romania is completely denying a report about his government being really corrupt, although he says six figures would make him believe it.
 
A playground in the Netherlands was closed down after neighbors complained that the children were too noisy. Next step—to keep the little buggers off of their lawns.
 
Kanye West says he is no longer in debt. So, he should be able to pay you that money he owes you.
 
Some days you’re the pigeon. Others, the statue.
 
The Dow Jones Average cracked through the 27,000 mark yesterday for the first time. Big deal. My VISA has been there for months.
 

TOP FIVE POSSIBLE NAMES FOR A CANNIBIS-INFUSED BEER

  1. Miller Really-High Life
  2. Bud Less-Wiser
  3. Coors Light One Up
  4. Pabst Blue I Forgot
  5. Schlitz-faced

TOP FIVE SONGS THAT WE COULD HAVE PLAYED IN HONOR OF NATIONAL COW APPRECIATION DAY... .BUT DIDN'T

  1. Pat Benatar's "Love is a Cattle Field."
  2. Bruce Springsteens "Barn in the USA"
  3. John Mellencamp's "Herd so Good"
  4. The Hollies, "He ain't heavy, he's my udder"
  5. Boston's MOO than a feeling
  Laugh a little, would ya?
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