We started this week with Half-Price Peeps Monday!!
Last Sunday was Easter, that holiday that surprises us every year with the number of stores that are actually closed for the day.
Sunday was not only Easter, but the cannabis-celebrating holiday of "4-20." A perfect combination for people celebrating both, as it allowed them to hide their own eggs.
If you're married, there's a 30% chance you'll argue at some point over a weekend. I told my wife this statistic and she said, "That's so true," and I responded, "No it isn't." And that's how our fight began...
Thinking out loud: wouldn't it be something if Ralph Fiennes ended up being elected pope?
Here they come: Perhaps, JD Vance should visit Putin next.
We're still trying to flush out the details, but somehow, we've gotten word that the Easter Bunny has been locked up in an El Salvador prison.
The state bird of Illinois, Indiana, North Carolina and West Virginia is the Cardinal. And now, one of them could become the next pope!
I've reached that stage of life when I have three questions about "American Idol." Who got eliminated? Who moved on? And who cares?
"Tiger King" star Joe Exotic has shared that he got married to a fellow prison inmate, Jorge Marquez. They plan to honeymoon in the exercise yard.
RFK, Jr. says he's going to start phasing out artificial colors in our foods. Can clear licorice be far behind?
You know, I.....oh, excuse me. Pete Hegseth is asking if this sounds like a good war plan. We really need a good bombs up emoji.
Time to get out there and hit those "After Earth Day" sales....
Yesterday, a judge ordered the Trump Administration to bring back the Voice of America. So, it was apparently just a case of legal laryngitis.
OK, here's the concept. It's a breathalyzer that you hook up to Pete Hegseth's phone.
Mostly Elon, with a slight chance of heil.
George Clooney says he has never had an argument with his wife in their 10 years of marriage. I can't imagine being wrong for that many years...
And of course, the first thing my wife said was, "See! I told you he was perfect!"
Being a math whiz is practical, but mastering the English language is funner.
The Department of Education says that 5 million Americans with defaulted student loan payments will have their loans sent for collections on May 5th. Yep. This year, it'll be "Cinco de Oh-Oh."
Yes, Kristi Noem is the Secretary of Homeland Security, but that didn't stop a thief from stealing her purse at a restaurant. He made off with her security badge and $3,000 cash. In an unrelated story, the Secretary of Agriculture is having problem with his corns.
Bailey Littrell-son of Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell-was eliminated from "American Idol" on Sunday night. Needless to say, he didn't "want it that way."
Chipotle has announced they're expanding into Mexico. Apparently, there's a shortage of Mexican food south of the border.
Frank's Hot Sauce is introducing six new flavors just in time for summer grilling. Because I can still feel my tongue....
Starting on May 5th, Whatsapp is going to stop working if you still have an iPhone 5s, the iPhone 6, or the iPhone 6 Plus. Then again, if you're still using one of those, that's the least of your problems....
And no, you won't receive a notice about this on your AOL or MySpace account.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- I'm just sitting her, Googling if sea horses know about land horses.
- I had a thought and then another thought. But then they bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.
- How is it possible that I have both going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning?
- Being a woman is hard. You always want to buy something, kill someone, lose weight and eat something sweet.
- People with siblings have better survival skills because they've had experience in physical combat, psychological warfare and sensing suspicious activity.
- I went to the house where I grew up and asked if I could come in and look around for old times' sake. They slammed the door on my face. Sometimes, parents can be so cruel.
- I know I'm getting old when I say, "whatcha talkin' bout willis" and nobody knows what I'm talkin' about!
- Raspberries make great grape beards.
- My wife and I met while studying to be ophthalmologists. We were eye school sweethearts.
- I don't know who needs to hear this, but a Cadbury egg has four grams of protein in it.
- I officially resign from being an adult. From now on, all decisions will be made using the eeny-meeny-miney-moe method and arguments will be settled by sticking out my tongue. I'll be at recess if you need me.
- "Fifty Shades of Grey" is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer, it would be an episode of "Criminal Minds."
- I'm picturing the two astronauts stuck in space for 9 months watching Katy Perry kiss the ground after being up there for 10 minutes.
- I hand-picked everyone among my Facebook friends. So you're either hot, funny or mentally ill.
- That feeling when you don't want to go pee because you're comfy, but you can't sleep because you need to pee.
- Drinking beer may not add years to your life, but it does add life to your years.
- Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that'd be great.
- I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It just craps on the floor.
- My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.
- I'm not really a control freak, but could I show you the right way to do that?
- My teacher pointed at me with a ruler and said to the class, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot." I got detention when I asked, "Which end?"
- I have to tell you, when I say "It's the least I can do" I pretty much planned it that way.
- Dear Colgate, now that you've have a salt and lemon flavor, let me know when you add tequila and I promise to brush six times a day.
- The reason I don't like Facebook's "Memories" feature is that it shows me wearing the same shirt six years ago that I have on now.
- If you wear your clothes five days in a row, they become baggy and it looks like you're losing weight. Follow me for more life hacks.
- I have so many jokes about unemployed people. But none of them work.
- Not many people know that 4/21 is National Surprise Drug Testing Day.
- Not being filthy rich is continuing to be a huge inconvenience for me.
- Marked safe from Pete Hegseth sending me war plans.
- A truck loaded with Vicks Vapo-rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
- Silent room full of people. My stomach: "This is the perfect time to practice my whale mating sound impressions."
- BREAKING NEWS: Katy Perry has just stepped in a puddle, and is therefore now a deep-sea diver.
- Growing up, we used to throw eggs at houses. Today, we can't afford either one: eggs or houses.
- Don't worry Greenland. Any day now, Pete will text you the invasion plans.
- Yesterday, I went the whole day without a nap. Yep. Pulled an all-dayer.
- I named my dog '5 miles', so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day."
- A police officer notices a woman driving and knitting at the same time. He pulls up next to her, rolls down the window and yells, "Pull over." She yells back, "No, it's a scarf!"
- Today, I'm doing nothing because yesterday, I started doing it, but didn't finish.
- I've decided I'm OK with not getting down to my original weight. After all, 7-pounds, 2-ounces is just not realistic.
- Sometimes, words are not enough. That's why God gave us middle fingers.
- Any non-golfers caught collecting golf balls on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed.
- In an abusive relationship with the cost of living.
- Since egg prices are so high, we did a tamale hunt on Sunday.
- I'm pretty upset how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart
- I bought a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words, too.
- My spirit animal is that one bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into a window.
NICKNAMES OF TOP FIVE PLAYERS PASSED OVER IN THE N.F.L. DRAFT
- The Benchwarmer
- Penalty Pete
- Offside Ollie
- Sir Drops-Alot
- Fumbles
TOP FIVE WORST INVENTIONS OF ALL TIME
- The Mesh Parachute
- Shower Curtain Windows
- The Inflatable Dart Board
- Glow in the Dark Night Vision Goggles
- The Tub Toaster
GOD'S TOP FIVE PET PEEVES
- Being everywhere, at all times, he has to sit through all the "Real Housewives" shows
- The old "I promise I'll never do that again, if..."
- Having to hear all of Steven A. Smith's thoughts
- This continuing temptation to smite a Tesla
- Mumble prayers
Laugh a little, would ya?
