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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,461st Edition
Friday, March 1st, 2024

It's nice to start out a new month on a Friday!
Thanks to that Alabama judge, can "Take Your Embryo to Work Day" be far behind?

NASA is celebrating the safe landing of a lunar spacecraft on the moon, our first in 52 years. The only trouble has been with the communication-they probably shouldn't have gone with A-T-and-T.

They named the craft Odysseus. Other models were Odysseur, but this one was the Odysseus.

Radiology company RadNet is trying out a new pilot program by offering mammograms at Walmart. That explains the big crowd at checkstand 3.

A third of us use our pet's name in our password. I'm regretting now that I named our dog, ABC123.

Ronna McDaniel is going to step down as chair of the Republican party. At first, in all honesty, I could have sworn that said Ronald McDonald.

A new study says that men with six-pack abs have a higher risk of heart disease. As you can tell by my stomach, I'm completely safe.

NASA says that Lunar lander on the moon apparently tipped over on its side during it's landing over the weekend. How about that-we have something in common!!

25% of Americans do not have emergency savings. I do have to say, I'm prepared for any emergency under $5.

A new study says that we throw away 92% of instructions without ever using them. Can someone explain-what are these "instructions" they speak of?

Wendy's is looking at starting "surge pricing," where prices on their menu would fluctuate throughout the day. This actually might help me with my "surge belting" problem.

Scientists have created what they believe the face of the writer Dante looked like, 700 years ago, which-as a radio bit-was perhaps the dumbest direction we've ever taken this show. But in any case, look at this!

Friday Employee Appreciation Day. Being self-employed, that's a tough one. It's really hard trying to figure out how to surprise myself.

Merriam-Webster-yes, the dictionary people-say that it's OK now to end sentences with a preposition. Well, that's what they're there for.

Carpe Diem next week!

I shouldn't have to say this, but just a reminder: when Friday finally gets here, no storming the court!

Mitch McConnell says he's stepping down as Senate Republican leader in November. The way things are going, I'm just going to assume he's turning things over to someone older.

I know there's propane, but do they also make amateur pane?

Now, about this potential partial government shutdown-can we choose which parts we can shut down. I have some suggestions.

The number of 401K millionaires increased by 41% last year. If you're curious, I'm still among the common people.

A person gets hit by a foul ball at a Major League Baseball game 1700 times in a season. You'd think they'd move to another seat.

There's a new "Naked Gun" movie on the way, with Liam Neeson taking over for Leslie Nielsen. Don't know if O.J. will be back. Shirley, I am serious.

Something new for Easter: Reese's Mini Peanut Butter Eggs. They come unwrapped, which makes them perfect for Easter candy binge eating. Nothing to slow you down.

In India, doctors removed 39 coins and 37 magnets from a man's intestine after he swallowed the metals under the assumption that "zinc helps in bodybuilding." Of course, the patient's words when he woke up from the procedure: "Keep the change."

I prefer my audio books in large print.

Both President Biden and former President Trump made visits to the border in Texas yesterday. Mexico had extra security on duty, to make sure neither of them could sneak in.

From Facebook:
  • Scientists say they should be able to create living dinosaurs within the next five years. There are literally 4 movies explaining why this is a bad idea.
  • Never speak to a dad putting a piece of furniture together unless you want your feelings hurt.
  • Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
  • ME eating. MY WHITE SHIRT: Let me taste that!
  • Has anyone tried unplugging the United States and plugging it back in?
  • A guy in the store on his cell phone was saying, "Susan, I'm in my car and on my way," so I yelled out, "No he's not!" because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
  • Adult life is constantly saying to your friends, "Let's do something soon" and suddenly, six months have gone by.
  • Getting older is all about knowing a guy. A plumbing guy, a roof guy, a tax guy, a lawn guy, etc.
  • I don't like the person I become when I have to enter my username and password using a TV remote.
  • Did anyone else grow up in a house where 'eye-rolling' was considered back talk?
  • On Saturday mornings, I like to wake up slow and sit on the couch and have coffee for 37 hours.
  • I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, I retraced my steps, got lost on the way back and now I have no idea what I am doing.
  • I'm not like other girls. I know what I want for dinner. I've been thinking about it since lunch.
  • I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, it was me.
  • Potatoes give us French fries and vodka. Your move, celery!
  • To be honest, I thought growing old would take longer.
  • Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
  • People who back into parking spots just want attention.
  • Why clean my windows? The less I see my neighbors, the better!
  • People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.
  • Do people who run marathons know they don't have to?
  • Going to break out my new 25-piece patio set: 24 beers and a plastic chair.
  • I wanted to go to the gym tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat sometime between 8 and 8:15 tonight, so I can't.
  • Exhaustipated: When you're too tired to give a crap.
  • We're all here because we're not all there.
  • Being an adult is soup and I am a fork.
  • To be frank, I'd have to change my name.
  • Nothing refreshes your memory of what you were supposed to get at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
  • It's not my fault you thought I was normal. That's on you!
  • Sign on an animal hospital: Dinosaurs never went to a vet and look what happened!
  • When your wife starts a sentence with, "When you get a chance... ," go ahead and put your shoes on. She means now.
  • Did it bother anyone else that the guy in the Operation game was clearly awake?
  • If we got rid of all the margarine, the world would be a butter place.
  • I'm not bothered by my age, I just don't like the sound-effects.
  • I once swallowed a bunch of synonyms. It gave the thesaurus throat I've ever had!
  • Cracker Barrel announced today that Thursdays, from 4pm-8pm, Frozen Embryos eat free!
  • I don't know who needs to hear this, but a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg has 4 grams of protein!
  • Since nobody really reads 5,000 page bills, can we slip in "term limits?"
  • Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.
  • My mood has so many swings, it's a park now.
  • The retirement age needs to be lowered to 45. I've had enough.

TOP FIVE THINGS I'LL BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE TOOTH FAIRY (on National Tooth Fairy Day)

  1. Starred in a short-lived TV series, "Who's the Floss?"
  2. Prefers being called, "Mr. Tooth," not "Mr. Fairy"
  3. Once gave the Easter Bunny a cement carrot
  4. Works on commission for dentists
  5. When he was a kid, he had to leave money for himself

TOP FIVE SIGNS THIS IS GOING TO BE A ROUGH MONDAY

  1. Vultures snuck into building, literally circling your desk
  2. The person in charge of Monday donuts brought in a vegetable tray
  3. At 11:30am, you found a time portal. But it took you back to 8am.
  4. You realize you really overslept and it's actually Tuesday
  5. Company memo: Boss has officially declared this "ROUGH MONDAY"
Laugh a little, would ya?
 



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