- "Whenever I tell someone where I live and they respond with, ‘OMG, that's so far away', I come back with, ‘Don't worry, I'm not inviting you over.'"
- What inspired you the most to get out of bed this morning? My bladder.
- People who cheat on taxes disgust me. This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in."
Don't wear headphones while vacuuming. I just finished the whole house and then realized I had never plugged the darn thing in.
Amazon's Jeff Bezos claims that the National Enquirer tried to blackmail him over naked pictures. Can I just say, if the National Enquirer is still threatening to do that, we desperately need to start a Go-Fund-Me and pay them the damn money.
Prince Phillip has officially given up his drivers license. I've always said, if you don't like the way he drives, just stay off the sidewalk.
The people in Virginia sure have decisions to make. They have to choose between Al Jolson, Harvey Weinstein or Al Jolson.
For the sake of political correctness, Major League Baseball is changing the Disabled List to the Injured List. And while they're at it, when a player tries to get to second base, he'll be reported to H.R..
A new study says Florida is the best state for singles. The Seattle Mariners hitting coach is going to try and schedule as many games there as possible.
Michelle Obama, Bob Seger and Justin Timberlake all canceled their Seattle-area concerts over the weekend due to their snowstorm. Who knew they were even performing together?
Childish Gambino became the first rapper ever to win Song and Record of the Year for "This Is America" on Sunday night, but he was not there to accept his award... which was not only Childish, but very Gambino.
A male tiger at the London Zoo killed its new mate on their first meeting. Apparently, her picture on the dating app was nothing what she really looked like.
Ozzy Osbourne is in intensive care, out of fear of getting pneumonia. Surprising no one, doctors are wearing gloves.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: It's a weird world. Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing. Boxing rings are square. Pioneer Square (in Seattle) is a triangle. We park on a driveway and drive on a parkway. Stuff sent by ships is called cargo, but stuff sent by truck is called shipment. Just... do whatever you want.
It's Valentine's Day Eve. Do you run out and buy a Rose in a Tube at 7-11 on Valentine's Eve or Valentine's Day?
Big shocker on The Bachelor Monday night. I actually watched for 5 minutes.
OK, I'm waiting for the controversy over the new Aladdin movie when people start complaining about Will Smith wearing blue-face.
Russia is planning to disconnect from the Internet as part of a planned test. I think they're calling it the ‘Great Spam Shortage of 2019.'
A study says 3 in 10 parents think the flu shot is a conspiracy. And several of those insist there was a second nurse behind the grassy knoll.
Dunkin' Donuts Park in Connecticut has become the first professional sports venue to ban peanuts and Cracker Jack. Is it just me, or wouldn't you think, if you had a peanut allergy, that you would know not to eat peanuts?
A new study says that more than half of Americans have been harassed online. In fact, I just received an anonymous text that says, "Quit whining about it and being a whimp."
NASA's Mars orbiter has captured a picture of a green spot on the red planet. My theory-if they can zoom in far enough, they'll discover it's a Starbucks logo. That would explain the other green spot so close to it.
Chicago has topped the list of the most corrupt cities in the U.S.. You'd have to think that the most corrupt would actually win that title and have ways to make sure they did.
Iowa Democrats are going to allow voting in the caucuses by phone. This could pave the way for the development of speed-stuffing.
Britain's Prince Phillip will not be charged for that car crash he was in last month. I wonder who he knows?
The Mars rover Opportunity has died after 15-years on the red planet. And, of course, it only had a 14-year warranty.
LeBron James says he is not worried about the playoffs following another Lakers loss. I'd say, at this point, the way they've been playing, the playoffs really aren't a worry.
Donald Trump has installed a $50,000 golf simulator at the White House. I'd be willing to contribute to a GoFundMe campaign to install a reality simulator at the White House.
Keith Richards says he's cutting down on hard liquor and cigarettes after one party of a December, celebrating his 75th birthday. He knew he had been drinking too much when he blew out the candles on his cake and his breath caught fire.
With all the school closures, this has been the only week in my life where I wish I had become a teacher.
TOP FIVE REASONS WHY CUPID IS SO MAD AT YOU
TOP FIVE REASONS YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST DIDN'T WIN AT THE GRAMMY'S SUNDAY NIGHT
- You try to convince your sweetheart that it's better to celebrate Valentine's Day on the 15th, just so you can get everything half off!
- Seriously, next year for Valentine's Day, no restaurants with a drive-through window!
- If you say to her one more time, "If you want to see how much I love you, pull this finger", he'll scream!
- That heart-shaped whoopie cushion didn't really set the mood
- Your go-to Valentine's Day music is anything by Weird Al
- Their biggest hit song last year: "I hate the Grammys"
- Insists on calling Cardi B, 'Farty B'
- Called the Grammy's a big sham unless they won
- Only sold three songs last year, and they bought two of them
- Well, there's that little "no nominations" issue