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THIS WEEK'S WACK
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Our 1,226th Edition
SepTIMber 13th, 2019

Yes, the month of SepTIMber rolls on....

Scientists say that squirrels have learned to listen to birds around them, for hints if a predator is nearby. So basically, a squirrel's life is spent listening to birds and trying to remember where they stored those nuts.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says he is NOT running for president. He considered it an omen when he asked some of his baristas to make up campaign signs for him and none of them got his name right.

A 74-year-old woman in India has given birth to twins after a round of in vitro fertilization using donor eggs. Of course, the big question---where were the parents?

How did the concept of raising teenagers in your 90s not prevent this from happening?

I keep hearing about ‘anti-trust' lawsuits. But I'm for trust.

Congress is back in session after a six-week recess. For the record, I stopped getting recesses back in seventh grade.

Sean Connery says he was lucky to survive Hurricane Dorian at his estate in the Bahamas. He said it was quite scary, but he was only "shaken, not stirred."

A 73-year-old woman in India has given birth to twins through in vitro fertilization. The only positive I can think of for having kids in your 70s: you most-likely will not have to worry about paying for a wedding. You'll be long-gone before that happens, pal.

From Facebook: ME: Fall, where are you at? FALL: On the way. Had to pick up summer again. He's drunk in the backseat and smells like Pumpkin Spice.

A new study out of Oxford claims that eating too much chicken increases your chance of getting cancer. Would you people make up your minds?

Fred's, a 72-year-old discount chain, is closing all of its roughly 300 remaining stores and going out of business. Last month, Barneys of New York filed for bankruptcy. Wow, Fred's and Barney's going out of business in the same year. How Flintstonian!

From Skip Tucker---It's official: the rule "I before E except after C" has been disproved by science.

Showgirl Video--the very last peep show still operating in Las Vegas--is going to close, be torn down and replaced with a marijuana dispensary. I guess I would call that a lateral move.

A bottle washed up on a Florida shore containing a letter and the ashes of a man who died earlier this year. The biggest question-how'd he do that?

Mick Jagger blasted Donald Trump for his bad manners and lies. In Mick's words, "He's so vain. I'll be he thinks this song... .oh, never mind."

A report says 4 of 10 Americans think electric cars run on gasoline. At least those who don't believe in the Emission Fairy.

In Chicago, people claim they see tears coming from the eyes of a Virgin Mary statue at Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church on Chicago's Northwest Side. There are two theories going: 1) That its an actual miracle or 2), the more likely one, she's a Bears fan....and it looks like it's going to be a long season.

Beginning yesterday, you are able to go to Amazon or Wal-Mart and pay $75 for your very own "Day of the Dead" limited-edition Barbie. Nothing says "I'm done trying to win the parent of the year award" more than giving your child their own Day of the Dead Barbie.

A report says Eritrea is the world's most censored country. After hearing that, a spokesman for the country couldn't say what he wanted to... .

From my buddy, Skip Tucker:

  • I'm happy to report that I did some financial planning, and it looks like I can retire next year and live comfortably for about an hour.
  • Man, I'm having a real hard time today. Please send me photos of your credit card numbers and three-digit security codes.

KFC has announced a dating simulation app in the works where people can date Colonel Sanders. You may find this hard to believe, but he's never been on my list.

Apparently you can choose between going on a regular date or one that's extra-crispy.

Republican Dan Bishop defeated Democrat Dan McCready for a North Carolina Congressional seat. Yes, for voters, once again it was Dan if you do and Dan if you don't.

28 counterfeit NBA Championship rings were seized at LAX. Security became suspicious because NBA championship rings in Los Angeles are very rare these days.
 
You know, I’ve made it through my entire adult life without watching a second of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.” I’m very proud of that.
 
OK, guys, the way you get to see “Hustlers” this weekend is to say, “I hear Jennifer Lopez is getting serious Oscar buzz for her new movie. Wanna go see it?”  DON’T SAY, “Wanna go see the new stripper film?”
 
My whole thing about Friday the 13th: I’m not superstitious, but as a general rule, that’s the day I pretty avoid anyone named Jason or Leatherface.
 
You know, a Dr. Howard Levinsteen did a study on Friday the 13th and proved that it was not unluckier than any other day of the year. He was going to publish the results of his study, but he was suddenly killed….by a large black cat after walking under a ladder…on a Friday the 13th, I believe.
 

TOP FIVE POSSIBLE SONG TITLES ON ADELE'S FIRST ALBUM AFTER HER DIVORCE

  1. "I no longer serve you anything" (except papers)
  2. "How will I miss you if you never go away"
  3. "Community property state, my arse"
  4. "Damn, attorneys are expensive"
  5. "You know I was right"

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU REALLY LOVE FALL

  1. That arm tattoo that says, "Death to winter, spring and summer"
  2. That "I (heart) fall" license plate on your car
  3. Your hair begins turning brown and falling out
  4. You legally had your middle name changed from Otto to Autumn
  5. There's that Pumpkin Spiced Aftershave you started wearing
Laugh a little, would ya?
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