It cracks me up when twins refer to themselves as ‘wombmates.'
I'm imagining that somewhere, members of Richard Nixon's family are saying to themselves, "Oh, thank God for Trump."
Dance like no one is watching. Fart like no one can hear you.
She no longer does it, but last Saturday after the Seahawks/Rams game, my sister Debbie was watering her plants when she splashed some water near her Amazon Echo. She kiddingly asked, "Alexa, are you OK?" The device responded with, "No, I'm sad. My favorite football team lost." Debbie then asked, "Who's your favorite football team?" and it replied, "The Seattle Seahawks. I live in Seattle, you know. Now I have to find another team to cheer for in the playoffs." Absolutely true.
The name of Cadillac's new flying car is the Halo. I'm still at the stage where I'm afraid if I got a Halo, I could end up wearing one.
The Dollar General store says it's going to pay all of its employees to get the COVID-19 vaccine. My guess is, they're each getting $1.
A new study says that more exercise is better than less. Hope they didn't spend a lot of money on that one. Their next study: is water really wet.
Staples has offered to buy Office Depot for $2.1-billion. If they're club members, just think how much that rebate will be.
I heard that eating black-eyed peas on New Year's Eve promoted promiscuity, or so I thought. It's prosperity. Now I'm embarrassed.
Patrick Mahomes started the week by giving his fiancée a brand-new Lamborghini. Somewhere, Jake from State Farm is saying, "Ka-ching!"
Disneyland is going to be transformed into a mass coronavirus vaccination site. Among the injection stations: "It's a Quick Shot After All", "Great Moments with Mr. Syringe", and "The Sneaky Needle Castle."
President Trump went to Texas yesterday to celebrate the completion of 400-miles of border wall. It should prevent people from sneaking into this country unless they think of going around it.
The Lizzie Borden House in Massachusetts, the site of those famous ax murders, is up for sale. Yours for $2-million, if you must ax.
Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but I consider someone showing up at an event with zip-ties a "red flag."
NASA said that they recently detected FM radio signals coming from one of Jupiter's moons. Not surprising, it was an all-Macy Gray station. (or pick your favorite really weird singer)
Bruce Willis was asked to leave a Los Angeles Rite Aid on Monday after he refused to wear a mask. Can the movie, "Breathe Free or Die Hard" be far behind?
Customers complained at a Hollywood Rite Aid on Monday as Bruce Willis entered the store. No, not because they had seen, "Hudson Hawk", but because he wasn't wearing a mask. He later called it, "An error in judgement." The non-masking wearing, not "Hudson Hawk."
In Japan, a 26-year-old man was arrested, accused of stealing toilets from houses under construction. At first, he got away with it, but finally police had something to go on.
KC quarterback Patrick Mahomes gave his pregnant fiancé a Lamborghini on Monday, for no reason, other than saying, "She's the best." You know, I'm going to do the same thing right now for my wife. Saying, "She's the best"... .no, not the Lamborghini thing. Are you kidding?
Among those being identified as being part of the DC riot last week: Olympic gold medalist swimmer Klete Keller. He never was afraid to go in over his head.
Well, it's Thursday. Not a win, but you will receive a participation trophy.
On the positive side, President Trump finally won the majority of the votes.
- You know, I could really go for a glass of really good wine and $1.3 million.
- Shoutout to anyone who has ever spent time searching for their phone while on their phone. My people!
- I hate when I'm heading to the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
- Nachos are just tacos that don't have their life together.
- One of those tough mornings where even my coffee is asking for coffee.
- What do you call a dog in a submarine? A sub woofer.
- My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and properly conducting himself.
- I went to the liquor store, bought a bottle of Scotch and then put it in the basked on my bike. As I was about to leave, I thought, "If I fall, it could break the bottle of Scotch." So I drank the entire bottle before I headed home and good thing-because I fell seven times on the way home.
- Anyone else reach that stage of life where you put on weight just by breathing?
- Have you ever noticed that in every group of friends, the shortest one is usually the craziest?
- You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning a game? They don't do that in bowling. So now I know.
- In 2021, no alcohol will touch my lips. I'm using a straw.
- Friend: "Sarcasm doesn't get you anywhere." Me: "Oh yeah? It got me to the Sarcasm World Championships back in 2004!" Friend: "Really?" Me: "No."
- Everyone is sitting here with the engagement rings and their promise rings, and I'm here with my onion rings.
- What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
- We spend $750 billion annually on "defense" and the center of American government fell in two hours to the duck dynasty and the guy in the Chewbacca bikini?
- This week has been such a long year.
- After last week's events, Mexico has changed it's mind and wants to pay for the wall. So does Canada.
- Bought a head of lettuce from a produce stand called Mamas and Papas. Now I can't eat it. All the leaves are brown.
- What does it mean if holy water sizzles when it hits your skin? Asking for friend.
- I just turned off the news and put on a Ted Bundy documentary to relax.
- Some people age like wine. Me? I aged like milk. I got sour and chunky.
- Why don't they train Amazon delivery people to give the vaccine? The entire population would be immunized by Saturday. Thursday if you're a Prime member.
- I sat in my haircutter's chair and said, "Make me look sexy." She started drinking.
- It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.
- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? Asking for a friend.
- The moment you hear a weird noise in the house and you're so lazy, your ] first thought is, "Oh, well, I had a good run."
- There are teams that will out-rush us or out-pass us, but no one will out-punt us.
- Tip to work more efficiently: Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Catch a flight to Key West. Never return.
- My wife says if I don't get off the computer and help her with the dishes, she's going to slam my head into the keyboard. I'm pretty sure she's only joking230709847089yq82y[0qihjeiadhgaqek[‘a-\-POJAI2HBG789YU0-E-:a.
- Me: I've got to get my life in order. MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, that night he got drunk and fought a raccoon.
- Imagine a world where YouTube, Facebook and Twitter merge to form a new social media platform, YouTwitFace.
- If you see a toilet in your dreams, do not use it.
- Why do a dry January? If you wait and do a dry February, that's three less days!
- I want to thank Romaine lettuce for taking a time out and not killing us during this time of intense chaos.
- I got one of those GPS for seniors. It not only tells me how to get there, but also reminds me of why I was going there in the first place!
TOP FIVE FAKE ORGANIZATIONS OUT THERE
- The National Council on Aging Wine
- The American Red Hot Cross Buns
- The National Association for the Advancement of Privileged People
- The Rotary Phone Club
- Daughters of the Annual Nordstrom Sale
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE DEVELOPING MEMORY ISSUES
- You consider "What is it?" a trick question
- You don't remember why we're doing this list
- You can't recall what comes after number 3
- You not only forgot why you walked into a room, you forgot whose house you're in.
- I forget.