Democrats in the house have introduced a bill that would make Washington, D.C. our 51st state. At this point, republicans, the president and flag makers are against the idea.
OK, got a few more changes to make sure we're not offending anyone:
- Rebel Wilson plans to change her name to Union Soldier Wilson.
- The song, "Waiting on the Robert E. Lee" is now "Waiting for the Unnamed Steamboat."
- Dixie Cups are to be referred to as paper glasses.
- The "50 Shades of Gray" series is being renamed "Kinkorama" which no longer refers to the color worn by the south during the Civil War buy is also technically more accurate.
Dennis Quaid secretly married his sig other earlier this month. He's 66, Laura Savoie, his new wife, is 27. In case you're interested in getting them something, the couple is registered at Forever 21 and AARP.
Katharine McPhee and David Foster just celebrated their one-year wedding anniversary. And they said it wouldn't last. Actually, they're still saying it.
Have you seen the Big Bucket Margarita Mixer? It's a bucket with a tap at the bottom. Just add a bottle of tequila and you have 16 Margaritas on tap. Part of this complete breakfast.
Researchers are looking at cannabis as a potential way to prevent COVID-19. And I read somewhere that researchers are looking at cannabis as a potential way to prevent COVID-19.
And for all those dry cleaners listening right now, keep pressing on.
CVS Pharmacy is now going to start carrying makeup for men. Which means, for the first time in history, on nights when you go out, you both could actually be ready at the same time!
I'm just waiting for a time traveler to arrive and say, "It's July? You mean you haven't gone through August yet? Oh, I'm getting out of here."
Starbucks has introduced a new Impossible Breakfast Sandwich, which features the plant-based meat replacement. The Impossible part is them getting your name right when they announce your sandwich is ready.
In Ohio, a couple of teens working at Little Caesars thought it would be funny to arrange the pepperoni on a pizza in the shape of a swastika. Comedy isn't easy. They were fired.
A wild brawl broke out at an Arkansas Steak House last weekend, as customers fought about social distancing. Seems to defeat the purpose.
Tom Hanks says, "Shame on your if you're not wearing a mask!" Well, he was wearing a mask at the time, so actually, he might have actually been saying, "Lame if you're not sharing your flask."
Alaska Airlines flight attendants have started handing out yellow cards to flyers who don't wear masks. That's a warning they could be suspended from the airline. Get a red card and you'll be asked to leave the jet immediately.
I'm waiting for the first optometrist to offer no-contact contacts.
McDonald's has officially canceled their Monopoly game promotion, as foretold in Revelations.
From my buddy, Skip Tucker: Shout out to murder hornets for having the decency to be like, "Yeah, listen, we'll come back when it's more convenient for you"
Vanilla Ice is going ahead with his scheduled concert tonight in Austin, Texas. I guess if you insist on having a concert and want to avoid large crowds, he’s your guy.
The singer Sia has become a grandmother. We’ll probably never know if the baby has her eyes.
Heinz is getting into the flavored mayonnaise business. Among their new flavors: Lemon and black pepper, truffle, basil and parmesan and garlic and grilled onion.
Ghislaine Maxwell — Jeffrey Epstein’s longtime associate has been arrested on sex trafficking charges. I find it really hard to believe she doesn’t have Netflix.
- The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors: 1) How dense the population is and 2) How dense the population is.
- Remember when you were young and all of your underwear had days of the week on them? Those would be really helpful right now.
- A mask is not a political statement. It's an IQ test.
- Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.
- My body is a temple--ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.
- So, if you could choose between eating nothing but bacon or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose Apple Wood or Hickory Smoked?
- My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the UPS guy knocked on the door to make sure we were OK.
- Honestly, when you think about it, you really don't need anything from Amazon today.
- Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
- Masks are the new bra. They're uncomfortable, you only wear them in public, when you don't wear one, everyone notices.
- I just dumped a pack of M-and-M's in my mask at work and I'm eating them like a horse.
- Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot superglued to your shoulder.
TOP FIVE LITTLE-KNOWN NICKNAMES OF OUR FAMOUS FOREFATHERS
- LeBron James Madison
- Lil' John Hancock
- Eggs Benedict Arnold
- Howya Ben Franklin
- Boy George Washington
TOP FIVE FIREWORKS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BUY IF THEY HAVE THIS NAME
TOP FIVE PESTS WE EXPECT TO SEE BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR
- The 23-page Waiver Rocket
- The Life Insurance Instant-Disqualifier Mortar
- The Orphan-maker
- Your last 4th firecrackers
- Farewell Fingers
- Ninja Gnats
- Vampire Mosquitoes
- Radioactive fruit flies
- Land Sharks
- Zombie Guinea Pigs