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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,389th Edition
Friday, September 30th, 2022
October begins tomorrow!

I've quit entering online contests because, even if won, I'd assume the congratulations email would be a scam.

I've gotta think that this is going to be a pretty easy year for Santa. I mean, how long has that naughty list got to be by now?

After weeks of mystery, two people have stepped forward to claim that $1.34 billion Mega Millions jackpot. However, they're staying anonymous. So, how am I supposed to claim it's my favorite aunt or uncle if I don't know who they are?

A typical woman complains about her husband or boyfriend three times a day until she's 50. Then it drops to only once a day. The good news, boys, is we're wearing ‘em down!

I just saw a Facebook post inviting me to watch "never before seen" footage of Elvis. I went to the YouTube link and it had 3.5 million views. I think it's been seen before.

NASA intentionally crashed a spacecraft into an asteroid moon yesterday. I don't remember my career counselor mentioning "Crashing things for NASA" as a possible choice.

For whatever reason, when hear of "Ian is coming", I'm imagining a hurricane with a British accent.

In Brandon, Florida, police had to be called in after gunshots were reportedly fired at a nearby Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah, a fight broke out among parents. That band of giant mice will do that to you.

According to a new study, 7% of Americans have an unnatural fear of their toilet. Hey, sometimes, you gotta fight for the right... to potty.

Pirates wore earrings because they believed it improved their eyesight. Glasses would have been so much less painful.

Choose kindness. And no one gets hurt.

A Spanish judge has said, Yes--Colombian pop singer Shakira is going to have to stand trial on charges of tax fraud. Hopefully, her hips won't be asked to testify.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis says he has a team working around the clock, trying to figure out a way to trick Hurricane Ian into a plane, so he can fly it to a blue state.

To celebrate her 50th birthday, Gwyneth Paltrow did a nude photo shoot, spray-painted in gold paint. I did the same thing when I turned 50, except I used Gold Bond.

Maroon 5 has a Las Vegas residency in their future. They'll be playing at the Park MGM next year, from March to August, if they can keep Adam Levine off Instagram long enough.

They keep saying we should have a work/life balance. What if both your work and your life are out of balance? Do they cancel each other out? Asking for a friend...

Now, Floridians are complaining that Governor DeSantis flew illegal aliens to safety, but not them.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to mufflers.

A new study says that our personalities have changed since the pandemic. Isn't that right, Grumpy?

Razor clam season opened yesterday in Washington state. To which I respond, "You know, they sell those things in heated stores!"

Three Russian cosmonauts returned safely from the International Space Station. Now, to break it to them about the new military draft...

From Facebook:

  • Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
  • I feel like most of my problems could be solved with a swim-up Margarita bar.
  • To me, essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
  • I hear you can get someone arrested just by thinking about it.
  • Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?
  • I hate funerals. I guess I'm not a mourning person.
  • Sometimes, all you need is $100-million.
  • A single Dorito has more macho flavor than a person in the 13th century would have experienced their entire life.
  • Our Southwest Airlines flight attendant just told us to buckle our seatbelts because "the captain just saw Top Gun and he wants to try something new."
  • I am as swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
  • Bumpersticker on a senior's car: "I am speeding because I need to hurry up and get there before I forget where I am going"
  • Today, may your coffee be strong and your adulting, easy.
  • Pulled out a nose hair today, to see if it would hurt. Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it does.
  • Either you love bacon, or you're wrong.
  • Sign at a restaurant: "Come in and try the worst meatball sandwich that one guy on Yelp ever had in his life."
  • There. Summer is over. Hope you're happy, you Pumpkin Spice loving psychos.
  • "I'm going to wing it!"-Me, talking about something I really shouldn't wing
  • Old age used to be in my head. Now it's in my joints, too.
  • Don't want none unless you've got puns, hun.
  • I don't even believe myself when I say I'm only going to have one beer.
  • I hate Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves.
  • Of course size matters. No one wants a small taco!
  • I started a dating site for chickens. It doesn't pay much, but I still make hens meet.
  • I do not have ducks or a row. I have squirrels and they are everywhere!
  • My guess is that when aliens pass by earth, they lock their doors.
  • I told my husband, "See! I can fit all of my craft supplies in a box" and he replied, "Stop calling our house a box!"
  • Never ask a woman drinking wine straight from the bottle how she's doing.
  • Not to brag, but I just walked into another room and remembered why.
  • A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, "Here. Let me hold that maple syrup for you until you're ready to take a bite."
  • A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
  • Stop complaining about your life. There are people out there dating your ex.
  • ME, WHEN FALL STARTS: I'm going to start eating healthy now. UNIVERSE: Release the Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins!
  • Most people are at the point of their lives where they use their phones to capture photos of their good times. I'm at the stage where I use it to take pictures of labels so I can enlarge the print so I can read them.

TOP FIVE LEAST POPULAR DISNEY CHARACTERS

  1. Jiminy Cricket Wireless
  2. The entire cast of "101 Damnations"
  3. The Little Barmaid
  4. Goofy's cousin, Unbalanced
  5. Mickey Badger

TOP FIVE THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

  1. We really don't know anything about women
  2. That she secretly loves that orange paint you picked out for the living room
  3. That silence is an admission that I was right and she was wrong
  4. We know when they probably have enough shoes
  5. We know they really want a new set of golf clubs for our anniversary
Laugh a little, would ya?
 


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