They say once you go WACK, you never go back

If Elon Musk's rockets are going to explode, maybe we can talk him into only launching them on the 4th of July.

34% of people who fail their driving test fail say it happened because they were nervous. 20% blame that person stuck on the hood.

25% of adults request something for their pet at drive-thru windows. I usually tell them at the bank that my dog would like a twenty.

The U.S. Supreme Court voted not to stop a scheduled execution by firing squad in South Carolina on Friday. Well, it was worth a shot...

Barbie turned 66 last week. That means, later this year, she'll reach full Social Security benefits age.

Up in Canada, Mark Carney has been named as their new prime minister. I loved him in "The Honeymooners."

Every time I see Bill Belichick's girlfriend, I take comfort in the fact that that when he goes, he'll die happy.

King Charles has bought a new vacation home, which inspires me to once again ask the question, "Vacation from what?"

15% of people called into work and said they weren't coming in yesterday because of the switch to Daylight Saving Time. If only they could figure out some way for people to just go to bed an hour earlier one friggin' night of the year.

Nearly 90% of American families buy a pie every week. 100% of clowns buy them, but for throwing, not eating.

20% of married people admit they spend money on gambling without telling their spouse. What are the odds?

And, here we go again. Another day of "My tariffs are bigger than your tariffs."

My economic adviser is rebranding. He's going from stockbroker to pawnbroker.

The average person will eat pizza four times a month. I choose to eat four pizzas on the first of every month and from there on, every additional pie is "bonus pizza!"

Southwest Airlines is ending their free luggage policy. To make matters worse, President Trump announced yesterday a new suitcase tariff.

Any minute, I'm expecting President Trump to announce the IRS is not giving cash refunds anymore. This year, you're getting a Tesla.

The Trump administration has cut the Education Department in half. According to one spokesperson, "They'll do fine with 30% less people."

By the way, President Trump hosted the Prime Minister of Ireland and celebrated an early St. Patrick's Day. The highlight of the day came when Vice-President J.D. Vance dressed up like St. Patrick and drove Elon Musk out of the White House.

A Pennsylvania man attempting to go through airport security was discovered to have been hiding a living turtle in his pants as he tried to sneak it onto the plane. I'll assume that it wasn't a snapping turtle.

This week is the fifth anniversary of the official beginning of the COVID pandemic. We bought a cake, put a bunch of candles on it, and then blew all over it to demonstrate that we learned absolutely nothing.

13% of people insist that peanut butter should be kept in the refrigerator. These are people with very strong hands and who like to rip up bread.

Wallethub has announced the 20 happiest cities in America and Seattle came in 12th. Wow, that makes me sad. Oh, look-we just dropped to 13th!

Kentucky bourbon makers are worried about the effects of President Trump's tariffs. So much, that they're drinking more...so, it all balances out.

Singer Rick Springfield says he still has brain damage from a fall in Vegas 25 years ago. He knows that because he wishes he was Jessie's squirrel.

Don't tell me how the lunar eclipse ended. I recorded it.

Maybe the Trump plan is to downsize government so much that if congress can't come up with a budget, there's nothing to shut down?

Some Jimmy Fallon lines: "Right now the economy is so bad, Elon Musk is thinking about laying off Donald Trump. People are saying Trump doesn't know anything about the economy and they might have a point: He thinks bear markets are where RFK Jr. buys his lunch meat and that endowment is what the dad in 'The White Lotus' showed under his robe Sunday night."

With Trump threatening a 200% tariff on European goods like scotch whisky and wine, it's sounding more and more like a Total Wine weekend.

There's a new electric vehicle getting a lot of buzz in the U.K., called Longbow, which calls itself as "the first-ever British electric sports car manufacturer." The biggest trick in creating an EV electric sports car: how to make it leak oil.

According to a new study, married men are three times as likely to be obese. I don't know about you, but I take that as saying we can blame our wife.

Tax reports show that Tesla and Elon Musk avoided almost all federal income tax on nearly $11 billion of U.S. income over the last three years. This explains why H-and-R Block have never heard of the guy.

From Facebook:

• My iPhone auto-corrected "Wish you were here" to "Wish you were beer." I sent it anyways.
• I didn't give you the finger. You earned it.
• A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm. So, I peed on her.
• Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
• Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
• I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn't think she knew about.
• Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
• To be honest, I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
• Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
• Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
• How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
• There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
• The problem with alcohol is that it wears off.
• Love is like Wi-Fi, you can't see it, but you know when you've lost it.
• I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
• Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda
• I run like the winded.
• Me: It's not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up. Cop: That's not how sobriety tests work.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• When everything is coming your way, you're probable in the wrong lane.
• Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
• The "best part of waking up" doesn't even make sense.
• The only person that can procrastinate better than me hasn't even been born yet.
• Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear.
• My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that's my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
• My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.
• My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in.
• Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
• Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
• I turned out okay for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
• If only life was as easy as getting fat.
• Did you know that on the Canary Islands, there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Islands, same thing-not one canary!
• The older you get, the tighter they put the lids on jars.
• The day they handed out patience, I left because it was taking too long.
• Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age shows up all by itself!
• I woke up this morning determined to eat right and exercise, but that was hours ago...when I was younger and full of hope.
• You don't have to be crazy to be my friend. I'll train you.
• The older I get, the older "older" gets.
• Old age used to be all in my head. Now its in my joints.
• I'm on a Tequila diet. So far, I've lost two days.
• If a cow fails to produce milk, is it a milk dud or an utter failure.
• Never make snow angels in a dog park.
• As I grow older, I think a lot about the hereafter. I walk into a room, and can't remember what I was hereafter.
• There are two levels of clean in my house: 1) Not clean and 2) clean enough.
• Before crowbars were invented, crows had to drink at home.
• Buying eggs on the street and weed in the stores. My, how things have changed!
• I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
• I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
• If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.
• According to this BMI chart, I am too short.
• Just once I'd like to get kicked into a bar.
• The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
• Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
• You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning
• My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
• I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
• I didn't give you the finger: you earned it.
• If your drug dealer is always on time, then he is a cop.
• What doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
• String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It's like you get to undress it.
• I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
• Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
• Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
• At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
• A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
• I put the PRO in inappropriate!
• I'm outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
• Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
• If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.
• I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
• Don't play dumb with me. That's a game you can't win.
• I'm really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
• My death bed confession is going to be epic!
• The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
• Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
• Free middle fingers for everyone!!!

TOP FIVE WAYS EASTER WILL BE DIFFERENT THIS YEAR

1. Kids taking part in an Egg Substitute hunt
2. New official theme song: "Here Comes Elon Cottontail"
3. To prevent further leaks from the White House, Trump bans marshmallow candy. Yep, not a Peep.
4. Well, there's the new Jelly Bean tariff
5. Part of the treats the Easter Bunny brings: chocolate Bitcoins

TOP FIVE THINGS THE EASTER BUNNY REALLY HATES

1. The phrase, "Tastes just like chicken."
2. Kids leaving out milk and carrots. Just a shot of single malt is fine.
3. The rumor about him smoking fake grass
4. People keep saying, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
5. If I have to hear, "Here comes Peter Cottontail" one more time...

TOP FIVE MOST POPULAR CHOICES WHEN IT COMES TO GIVING UP SOMETHING FOR LENT

1. Why they can't make wine bottles bigger so there's enough wine for two people.
2. Trying to control the bird flu by putting masks on chickens.
3. Why we don't have a "White Lotus" resort here
4. Figuring out how low the stock market will go
5. Being able to afford groceries

Laugh a little, would ya?