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Our 1,439th Edition
Friday, September 22nd, 2023
Fall tonight!  No, not a request, that's when it arrives!

A new study claims that vegan cats are healthier. Can Kibbles 'n Tofu be far behind?

I don't want to live forever. Just until we stop saying, "X, formerly known as Twitter." Which could be forever.

Those rumors about me treating the staff of my show unfairly are completely untrue. For starters, I have no staff!

Oregon has legalized magic mushrooms and has actually opened a psilocybin service center, where people can be studied after taking the hallucinogenic fungi. Could be the greatest trip you've ever taken that you won't remember.

I get in a 10-minute walk every day looking for my phone or car keys.

Tuesday was "National Cheeseburger Day." Unfortunately, for me, it was also, "You know, you really don't need one of those" Day.

75% of households with a pool table never use them. The important question here: can I come over?

The average age that people quit having birthday parties is 31. It's probably because people always lie about their age so much. That's why I'm going to keep having parties after I'm 31 next year.

Hunter Biden is suing the I.R.S.. Now I gotta figure out which side to cheer for...

Even if Aaron Rogers never plays again for the New York Jets, they owe him $75 million. For four minutes of work. Doing the math, that's a rate of $18.75 million dollars per minute!

A new study says that exercising between 7am and 9am is the best time of day to work out. That's why when I get to 9am I always say, "Oops! Too late! Why waste the effort!"

A Danish artist who gave a museum two blank canvasses to place on display has been ordered to repay a portion of his fees. He's still considered a painter, but just more of a con artist.

One in every four people don't use deodorant. Like it's a secret.

A new study claims that peak happiness in your life happens at 70!  Unfortunately, some of those people thought we said "Yosemite" and went camping.A guy who claims to be a time traveler from the year 2027 claims that, in that year, he was the last human alive. I don't know about you, but if that's true, I'm going to be buying a lot of things on time in 2026.

Elon Musk says he's going to start charging "a small monthly fee" if you want to stay on X, formerly Twitter. Two words come to mind: "To Threads!"

From Facebook:
  • Now serving Pumpkin Spice Nothing-drink Whisky.
  • Dear Coca Cola Company, No more new flavors. Either put the cocaine back in or just leave it alone.
  • August went by pretty quick, but September has been doing 75 in a 35 MPH zone.
  • Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to guarantee that your day can't get any worse than it started.
  • Friend texting: I'm drunk. Come pick me up! Me texting back: What is your location. Friend: I love that song.
  • Not only do I dance like nobody is watching, I also drink like I don't work in the morning.
  • My Bucket List: 1) Fill a bucket with bacon. 2) Eat the bacon.
  • I'm at the best man at my buddy's second wedding. Is it appropriate to open with, "Welcome back, everybody!"
  • I'm getting a little tired of waking up and not being at the beach.
  • The three stages of life: wanting stuff, accumulating stuff, getting rid of stuff.
  • Dear Monday, my Mama don't like you and she likes everybody.
  • ME: What could possibly go wrong? ANXIETY: Glad you asked.
  • I snack so my kitchen doesn't get lonely between meals.
  • If Mondays were shoes, they'd be crocs.
  • People need to understand the difference between want and need. For example, I want abs, but I need tacos.
  • How do I like my eggs? In a cookie.
  • Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.
  • You may call them 'swear words', but I call them 'sentence enhancers'.
  • "Made with love" means I licked the spoon and then kept using it.
  • My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
  • I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  • Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it!
  • On e day you're not old and the next, you have a favorite grocery store.
  • Website: We use cookies to enhance performance. Me: Same.
  • Wednesdays at the middle finger of the work week.
  • My housekeeping style is best described as, "there appears to have been a struggle."
  • Like a good neighbor, stay over there.
  • I'm going to need you to be strong today (me, whispering to my coffee)
  • I wish I was a little kid so I could take a long nap and everybody would be so proud of me.
  • A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
  • Seriously, if you think about it, there's no way everybody was Kung Fu fighting.
  • I was born to be wild, but only until about 9pm or so
  • I'd like to think that money wouldn't change me, but when I'm winning in Monopoly, I become a terrible person.
  • So it turns out that being an adult is mostly Googling or checking YouTube for finding out how to do stuff.
  • A genie granted me one wish, so I said, "I just want to be happy." So, now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine."
  • I still think it's odd that there's a Motown, but not a Larry or Curlytown.
  • Everyone's an atheist until they clog the toilet at someone else's house.
  • If someone from Holland married at Filipino, then their kids would be Hollanpinos.
  • I'm sorry, but you can't "always" be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average. That's not have averages work!
  • Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something first about natural stupidity?
  • If you carve a pumpkin in September, it's called "premature ejackolantern."
  • Technically, I'm over it. But I will bring it up again after a couple of drinks.
  • I always carry moist towelette in my wallet instead of a condom. It's more likely that I'll run into a random chicken wing than random sex.
  • I thought growing old would take longer.
  • Going to bed early. Not leaving my house. Not going to a party. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals!
  • When God created ducks, he said, "Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo!"
  1. Those darn kids keep coming and asking for free candy every October 31st. This year, I'm setting traps!
  2. Your "Summer Forever" tattoo
  3. That "Ban the Fall Equinox" bumpersticker on your car
  4. You actually get a Pumpkin Spice vaccination
  5. When leaves fall off, you try to put them back on
  1. Instead of saying "Woonderbar," the host keeps saying, "Wonder Bra"
  2. Only song they sing: "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"
  3. It's great the server is wearing a low-cut dress, but he's really not that cute
  4. That guy is doing the rubber pretzel gag again this year
  5. The beers have heads on them. I mean, real heads!
Laugh a little, would ya?
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