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THIS WEEK'S WACK

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Our 1,477th Edition
Friday, June 21st, 2024

Time to switch from complaining how cold it is to how hot it is

SPECIAL NOTE: Yeah, something serious from the funny guy. KXA radio's Charlye Parker put in her last radio appearance one week ago and was gone several days later. To learn a little bit more about this remarkable broadcaster, click here.

OK, back to the funnies.

I was so proud. I got a new iPhone 15 but rather than pay $50 for a screen protector, I thought I'd save some money and buy it on Amazon. I found a deal where you got 3 unbreakable screen cover for only $24! I put one on, it was actually really easy, and I felt so proud of myself. But then, a couple of months later, I dropped my phone and sure enough, there were cracks on the screen cover. Then I remembered, I had two left. So I got out another one, pulled the old one off and put a new one on. It looked brand-new. Then I thought about it. If it was an unbreakable screen cover, why did it break? And, an even better question: Why did they give me three of them?

Apple introduced their own AI last week, "Apple Intelligence." Wouldn't it be ironic if Apple Intelligence decided that iPhones are too expensive?

There were apparently three trips, and at least six flights, that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas accepted from GOP mega-donor Harlan Crow that the justice failed to report. In his defense, it's hard to remember to fill out those forms when you're always on vacation.

You know, I'd consider living in the U.K., but they insist on adding the letter "u" to color.

I live one day at a time. Because if I lived two days at a time, I'd use them up at twice the speed.

A new study says that sedentary workers who drank coffee had a 24% lower death rate that people who sat in front of a computer screen for six hours and didn't drink coffee. Finally, this science stuff is on my side!

There's concern that AI and deepfake videos are going to impact the upcoming presidential election. I have to say, AI is our friend. In fact, I'm actually at home right now in bed right this AI thing is....oh, wait. Probably shouldn't have said that....

If you're stressed out and you turn to junk foods, you could be making your anxiety worse. According to a University of Colorado study, people who went for chocolate or a donut gave our brains the fuel they need to make anxiety worse. I went through two Maple Bars just reading this article...

According to a recent survey, over 60% of men and women believe it is not appropriate to talk politics until after the third date. And then its apparently OK to let her know she's wrong...

I'm pretty sure they're laughing in the back room at Facebook. Especially the crew that thought putting the heart-cares emoji right next to the laughter emoji. If you're off by one click, you're laughing at that friend letting you know the sad news about their dog.

Oh, I'll have a beach body this summer, if you include Omaha Beach on D-Day....

The I.R.S. is targeting wealthy tax cheats, which they say can claim $50 billion in unpaid taxes. I have never felt safer.

A researcher at Harvard is suggesting that aliens may have landed here years ago and they are currently living among us. Confirming my suspicions all along, about you.

The first presidential debate next week will include a coin flip. The concept of a coin will be explained to both candidates, since they haven't used one in years...

The U.S. Surgeon General is recommending warning labels on social media platforms, similar to the ones currently being ignored on tobacco and alcohol products.'

If I ever see a picture of me standing next to a sign that says "All Wine 50% Off," I'll be disappointed. I shouldn't still be standing.

Virginia Hislop received her Master's Degree from Stanford this week at the age of 105. Good luck on getting those college loans repaid.

Russia President Vladimir Putin arrived in North Korea this week to meet up with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Where's a meteor when you really need one?

I'm guessing that's one occasion where a whoopie cushion could get you the death penalty.

Justin Timberlake was arrested on suspicion of DUI Tuesday. He's bringing sober back.

A new poll says that 1 in 4 parents say that their child has bedtime anxiety. On the positive side, that tells me that 3 out of 4 parents know how to get their kid to go to bed. (Remember, monsters only come out to eat you if you're awake after 8!)

A new survey shows that the average American over the age of 45 says they actually feel 12 years older. I'd tell you more about the survey, but I'd have to get my readers.

According to a recent survey, Monday morning is the most productive. Well, yeah, for those of you who don't call in sick!

Truth be told, I spent most of Wednesday saying to myself, "Don't say Summer's Eve! Don't say Summer's Eve!"

As sure as you'll win an argument on Facebook....

Dear New York Post, I really didn't want to see Ring video of a shirtless Bill Belichick. I am considering legal action.

Elon Musk says there have been several attempts on his life in recent months. The line for people who are surprised is right over there and very short.

From my friend, Susan: Omg! I just ordered pizza and as I was about to hang up I said, "love you," out of habit and the guy said it back and after a whole minute of dead silence he just tells me that he hopes that I'm not expecting a discount on the pizza just cause we confessed our undying love for each other.

A new law requires all schools in Louisiana to display the 10 Commandments. Of course, since we're in modern times, the tablets on which they're displayed will be iPads.

A new survey says that most Americans feel at least 10 years older than they really are. I think the key phrase in there is "at least." Amen.

Amazon says it has gotten rid of 95% of its bubble wrap in shipping, and hoping to be 100% free by the end of the year. Now what am I going to do for therapy?

From Facebook:

  • Not to get technical... but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
  • Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
  • It turns out when someone asks you to pick your favorite child, they mean from your own. I know that. Now.
  • For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
  • Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was "reduced fat" so basically it was like going to the gym.
  • My problem is that all food is comfort food.
  • Just a reminder, before you lose it today-they don't serve alcohol in prison.
  • I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
  • My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out.
  • If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased. Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
  • If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?
  • Don't be sad laundry, nobody's doing me today either.
  • I'm tired of things costing money.
  • I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes.
  • A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm. So I peed on her.
  • If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it's a vegetable, right?
  • I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
  • They should put more wine in a bottle so there's enough for two people.
  • I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
  • When your mother asks you if you're sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
  • Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels
  • Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl tells them she is pregnant.
  • I'm so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they'd just be practicing.
  • Remember, there's no WE in pizza.
  • While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald's stops serving breakfast.
  • Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
  • I was sitting in traffic the other day. That's probably why I got run over.
  • What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I'm doing.
  • Now I know why they say I'm a grown up. I groan every time I get up.
  • Depending on the music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
  • Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
  • People who think only God can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
  • This would be a great nude beach if I wasn't the only one participating.
  • I'm feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
  • Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
  • We've all been talking about your paranoia.
  • Don't cry because it's over. Smile because your fingerprints aren't in the database.
  • ME: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. MOM: You don't have Cancer! ME: So it's working...
  • Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
  • A co-worker asked me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So, the next day, wore tap shoes.
  • I was going to take one of those Viking river cruises, but then I found out you don't get to loot the towns and monasteries along the way.
  • It's ok if you don't like my personality, I've got others.
  • You can't believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
  • My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.
  • My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said had a headache.
  • I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they're going to be talking.
  • My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman. What a Joker!
  • You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with... "Are you sitting down?"
  • Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.
  • My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
  • I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
  • How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
  • If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
  • I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.
  • I can't find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
  • People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
  • For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
  • FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
  • It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.
  • The funeral for the man who invented Tupperware has been delayed as they search for a lid that will fit his coffin.
  • I'm at a point in my life where, if I attempted a cartwheel, I would die.
  • Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.
  • 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
  • Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I'll keep you posted......
  • I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
  • I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.

TOP FIVE THINGS OUR FOUNDING FATHERS WOULD SAY IF THEY WERE ALIVE TODAY

  1. "You're muted! Your microphone is turned off!"
  2. "Don't count your chickens before you open the bag from KFC."
  3. "We hold these truths to be self-evident and choose to ignore them!"
  4. "I have not yet begun to fight for the remote control!"
  5. "Give me liberty! Lib-er-ty, Lib-er-ty, Li-berty, Li-berty."

TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT SUMMER IS ABOUT TO BEGIN

  1. You've caught putting water balloons in the freezer again
  2. Those smart kids next door have opened a cute Tequila Shots stand
  3. You posted that sign by the pool, "Sharks attracted by pee."
  4. You like to soak your feet in a wading pool hidden under your desk at work
  5. HVAC companies sending "Thank You" bouquets to TV weather people

TOP FIVE THINGS NOT ON MY SUMMER TO-DO LIST

  1. Pick a bouquet of wild flowers from my neighbor's yard
  2. Go to a Farmers Market and ask to meet his daughter
  3. While swimming, have a Whale Watching boat pull up next to me
  4. Try barbecued watermelon
  5. Go to Yellowstone and hug a buffalo
Laugh a little, would ya?
 



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