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Jimmy Fallon reports that President Biden is still recovering from COVID, but his doctors say "he'll back to 60% in no time!"

You'll burn, on average, 3,600 calories in a year brushing your teeth. I'm just a little under that, thanks to an old brushing injury.

Adults are three times more likely to yell at someone in the morning, compared to at night. Well, yeah, because the neighbor kids aren't playing on my lawn at night.

For it's one, two, Crowdstrike, you're out.....

The Summer Olympics begin this Friday in Paris, France. It's time to pass the torch.

Louisiana won't take official steps to require the Ten Commandments being placed in all of the state's public school classrooms until at least November as a lawsuit makes its way through the courts. Good news for students who don't want to honor their father and mother.

I'm old enough to remember back when people passed the torch, it had to do with the Olympics.

Apparently, this means Maya Rudolph will have steady work next season on SNL.

It wasn't planned this way, but we're going on a three-week vacation out of the country in a presidential election year--which now seems like a genius move!

19% of women find men in jail mysterious and attractive. Meanwhile, 21% of millennials are going into debt because of dating. Seems to me like the smarter financial move is to just get caught robbing a bank. Of course, this is why I'm not a financial planner...

When I said, "Suck on a mint," I didn't intend to say it in a mean way.

My work wife wants me to stop referring to her as my work wife. I asked if she wanted to see a work marriage counselor and now she's not speaking to me. Probably going to end up getting a work wife divorce.

I know there will come a day that I look back on all those meals I wasted eating healthy...

Do you know the answer to our Impossible Question of the Day? What's the question? I'm not going to tell you! That's Impossible! See!

Jordan, a friend of mine, posted this on Facebook the other day: I was born a Mariners fan and I'll die a Mariners fan. I just may die sooner than expected because I'm a Mariners fan.

Being the Prince of Wales-how much does that gig pay? 42-year-old Prince William received $30 million from his Duchy of Cornwall estate during the 2023-2024 financial year. You know, with budgeting, you could make that work.

You know, outside of having all my 401K money in Crowdstrike stock, this has been a really good week.

Anyone else surprised that, with the Summer Games being held in France, that rudeness wasn't made an Olympic sport?

Childless Cat Ladies of the U.S. unite and be miserable together!

Snoop Dogg was a torch bearer in a French town leading up to the Olympic Games. How many times along the route did people yell at him, "Hey, man, got a light?"

Snoop still hopes that, someday, bong hits will become an Olympic sport.

Jennifer Lopez held a Bridgerton-themed 55th birthday party this past week. Everything was just like back in the 1700's-no phones, no modern clothes, no Ben Affleck....

MY FACEBOOK POST YESTERDAY: Congrats to all my extremist political friends on joining the "Snooze for 30 Days" club. See you next month!

From Facebook:

Wait-so Space-X and X are both relocating their headquarters to Texas and not one headline writer came up with, "All my X's are now in Texas!"
Never let your computer know you're in a hurry. They can smell fear. They slow down if they know you're running out of time.
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
Let's talk about how fabulous you think I am.
Is your refrigerator running? I may just vote for it!
I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earrings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
Being a fully-functioning adult every day seems a bit excessive.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called Lunch.
Just because I like to walk around in my underwear, eating Doritos, doesn't make me strange. I wish my co-workers would quit staring at me.
At this point, being kidnapped by aliens might just be the vacation I need.
I haven't seen any new episodes of Gilligan's Island in a while. I hope they're OK.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is a big win for stupid people.
I've put together a comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I'm wrong.
Isaac Newton discovered gravity in 1687. Before that, people could fly.
No, I don't need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: This is a hard escape room. Boss: You're at work.
C'mon, inner peace. I don't have all day!
Whoever is keeping Arizona Tea at 99-cents needs to run our economy.
The worst thing about stolen passwords is having to rename your dog.
The fact that Keith Richards outlived Richard Simmons has me really questioning this whole healthy eating and exercise thing.
Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food.
I clean my house like everyone else-5 minutes before someone comes over.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
They say money talks. Mine just waves goodbye.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internet's version.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living.
Today's big idea - Coffee eye drops!
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine? Asking for friend.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? Admitting you're batsh*t crazy and running with it.
Business plan: 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "It's $50 to let go."
How do Amish girls know if it's a regular dinner or a romantic candlelight dinner?
I miss the part of COVID where there was no traffic.
Today I bought a donut without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.
Feel free to ask me for advice but you should know I almost choked to death drinking Pringle crumbs out of the canister.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant: so, chocolate is a salad.
I know it's 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers...with cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
According to my Fitbit, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight. So, I got that going for me.
Damn. I'm having another one of those "out of money" experiences.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I know the voices aren't real, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
I'm realizing that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends.
The journey of a thousand miles always begins with a broken fan belt and flat tire.
I never thought I'd be the kind of person that would wake up early in the morning to exercise...and I was right!
And then alcohol said, "That's hilarious! Put that on Facebook." But alcohol was wrong. Very wrong.
Dating tip: Before going into any kind of relationship these days, take the guy's picture and post it everywhere, asking, "Who's boyfriend is this?" If no one responds for a week, it's probably safe.
I've been single for a while now and I have to say, it's going very well. think I might be the one.
No, officer I wasn't texting, that's dangerous. I was checking my email.
Apparently, you can only say, "Look at you! You got so big!" to children. Old girlfriends and ex-wives tend to get offended.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.
My wife treats me like a God. She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don't have a Ferrari
This year, my Christmas present to all of you? Taking a naked selfie and deleting it.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy.
Snaccident: Eating an entire bag of chips by mistake.
I send flowers every Friday "From Steve" to my neighbor's wife and then watch them fight from my living room while eating popcorn.
Can you still call them "love handles" if nobody loves you?
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
I'm boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Technically speaking, it isn't pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I'm not totally useless. Sometimes, I can be used as a bad example.
I'm going to be very busy in the afterlife. The list of people I'm going to haunt grows longer every day.
A meeting without food should be an email.
Why does it always take me eating 452 snacks to realize that I just need to eat dinner?
When life gives you melons, wear a low-cut top.
My life has a great cast, but I can't really figure out the plot.
I'm a spontaneous procrastinator
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
I hate it when you can't find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I think I'm a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Woman belong in the kitchen? Oh, sure, send them where the knives are...
He dumped me, so I'm dating his landlord. We're raising the rent tomorrow.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
I'm never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I've yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
I don't know who needs to hear this but photo enforcement cameras at intersections contain 5 pounds of copper.
This salad tastes like I'd rather be fat.