According to a new study, the human brain peaks at age 60. The good news for me is, if someone asks if I'm going downhill this winter, I can say, "Absolutely!"
You know what needs to be invented? The seedless pumpkin.
It's Amazon Prime Big Deal Days Eve!
The tallest sandcastle ever built was 69 feet tall. Not surprising, it was knocked over by the world's biggest bully.
The average person will spend 5 months of their life complaining. For some of the people I hang out with, that seems light...
Now, there's a scientist who claims he has found alien DNA in human. Now, there's some news that'll make your antennas quiver....
Today is the first of two Amazon Fall Prime Days. That explains why that co-worker is on their computer so much, making it appear like they're working.
I'm beginning to have second thoughts about that Venezuelan speed boat vacation cruise that I won....
We've put together a 20-point plan to make it through this morning and each of those points involve coffee.
Roasted coffee prices at the grocery store are up 22% in the past year, more than any other item tracked by the government. My question-why are we even bothering to track anything else?
9% of men would rather clean out a drain than spend time with their family. I'm beginning to now understand why, "Sewer's clogged again" was one of dad's favorite phrases.
36% of people will not watch a scary movie by themselves. I'm OK doing that, it's just those annoying phone calls that I get, where the guy keeps asking, "Do you like scary movies?"
Gold has hit $4,000 for the first time. Huh. Imagine if they made Bitcoins out of gold!
The very first Gatorade shower happened in 1984. It quickly replaced the Gatorade bath.
The most common ways people break their phones? 42% happened when they're accidentally put in the washing machine. For the record, quickly putting it in the dryer doesn't help.
Rubber bands are the number two thing kept in junk drawers. The number one thing: whatever is wedged in there, blocking you from opening the drawer.
It's said that a Diddy pardon is under discussion at the White House. Boy, wouldn't that make Democrats just freak off?
Today is actually "Moldy Cheese Day!" Party in my fridge!
Is the government still shut down? I can never tell.
Looks like our family swear jar is about ready to pay for another Hawaii vacation.
Wish me luck this weekend. I'm doing my first marathon. Every episode of "Breaking Bad", from start to finish.
Florida's largest grocery store chain, Publix, has announced that it's going to allow shoppers to open carry guns. "Uh, you know, you can go ahead and take that last watermelon."
This should popularize t-shirts with the words, "You know, coupons really tick me off!"
A U.S. diplomat has been fired over a romantic relationship he admitted having with a Chinese woman alleged to have ties to the Chinese Communist Party. It should be Netflix movie by next week.
17% of restaurant servers say they hate it when you claim a table before it's cleaned off. Huh. I thought that's what the money on the table was for. Like a discount for not having a clean table.
The majority of people will take the hotel toiletries when they check out. 20% of those will pull them out when they have guests spend the night. It's like we know you, isn't it?
FROM FACEBOOK:
- I was going to start a diet, but Halloween is coming up, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas. Before you know it, it's Barbecue Season again and I'm about to turn down a delicious cheeseburger.
- The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick but doesn't glow even a bit is a major source of disappointment.
- I put the thingamajig inside the whatchamacallit and then turned the doohickey and the whateveritis still doesn't work. Any ideas?
- Always take your crazy with you. You never know when you might need it.
- I need an iced coffee, a new tattoo and that 12-foot skeleton.
- Paying for groceries makes me wonder what that pinecone might taste like.
- I'm not anti-social. I'm just pro "leave me alone!"
- Dating is like grocery shopping. You know what you're looking for, but then you see something fricking delicious and bad for you.
- I used to think that adulthood was one crisis after another, but I was wrong. It's multiple crises, at the same time. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.
- The next time I lose my mind, I've decided I'm not going to look for it.
- Life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2 or 3 times a day, reads 2 books a week and still, all he does is complain about being in prison.
- CARPE DIEM: Seize the day. IMODIUM: Don't sneeze today.
- Sorry, but I don't answer private numbers. Or numbers I don't know. Or anyone, ever. Also, please don't call me.
- It's just me, my two hours of sleep and my bad attitude against the whole frickin' world today.
- And today I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me, who forgot to separate their red shirts from their white shirts.
- Happy Government Shutdown to those who celebrate.
- Once I have to repeat myself the third time, my vocabulary is upgraded to the explicit version for better clarity.
- Nothing bonds people faster than trash talking a printer.
- Coffee is how I bribe myself to stay employed.
- There are only two moods: "I need to save money" and "Treat yourself, you deserve it."
- The most dangerous phrase in online shopping: "Only 1 left in stock."
- My love life currently consists entirely of long, romantic walks to the refrigerator.
- My level of sarcasm has reached "I don't even know if I'm kidding anymore."
- There is nothing better than waking up on a Monday morning feeling rested and ready to conquer the week! I've never experienced it personally, but I'm sure it's wonderful.
- Successfully hiding how much you actually dislike people without getting fired is a life skill.
- Come on now, time to get up. The fresh horrors aren't going to face themselves, you know.
- Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I like you. I'm probably just thinking about my next snack.
- In case you've been living under a rock, Taylor Swift released her 12th album. All of the same people who didn't like her last 11 albums don't like this one either. There, now you're all caught up.
- My therapist says I should try to be more positive, but the only thing I'm positive about is the fact that there's nothing to be positive about.
- I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I could be a surprise onion ring in someone's fries.
- Just bought a 5 pound bag of candy for the trick-or-treaters. Or so I tell myself.
- If it wasn't for the hard way, I wouldn't learn at all.
- I feel like chewing with your mouth closed should be on the basic humanity entrance exam.
- Welcome to my page. Straight jackets are to the left, margaritas to the right and keep your hands off my damn crayons!
- I used to believe in fairy tales until I realized my life isn't a Cinderella story with a happy ending, it's a Greek tragedy.
- If you've been married three or more times, perhaps it's time to rethink your strategy. Have you looked into cats?
- My house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.
- Do animals know we wear clothing or do I traumatize my cat every time I peel off my socks?
- Porn gives you an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your home.
- It's October and too early for an Elf on a Shelf, so....how about a Skeleton on Gelatin.
- Headline: Boy George's Pet Lizard Bites Three People This Week. Police Say He Needs a Calmer, Calmer, Calmer, Calmer, Calmer Cameleon.
- The fact that I have more clothes to sleep in than I do to go out in says lot about me as a person.
- Waiter: I just want you to know that here, kids eat free. Me: Great. I'll have a water and my daughter will have a burger and a Bud Light!
- I have a tattoo on my upper back that isn't colorized. That way, when you have troubles, you'll have a shoulder to crayon.
- Honestly, as a kid, I thought that quicksand was going to be a bigger problem than it ended up being.
- Volleyball is just a really intense version of "Don't let the balloon hit the floor!"
- People from states with good roads may never understand what it's like hitting a pothole so hard that your soul leaves your body.
- And because it's October, you have your choice between a regular colonoscopy and pumpkin spice.
- Old age is crazy because one day you get a little sleepy and then you stay that way for the rest of your life.
- This Halloween for work I'm dressing as 'Cheerful, enthusiastic and well-rested'. Nobody is gonna recognize me
- Having a little nap in my recliner before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that snors d'oeuvres.
- Got to pat myself on the back because I made it through another day without turning any of my feelings into felonies.
- At this age, I've come to accept that I will never be old enough to know better.
- Where do pirates buy their hook hands? Second hand stores.
- Tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it AuTums.
- I want to live in a world where the flags are lowered for Jane Goodall.
- I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor, so I don't have to worry about the neighbors asking me to watch their kids.
- Headline: 9-year-old girl disappears after using face cream that was supposed to make her look 10-years younger.
- I'm not a 10. I'm like two 5's held together by mash potatoes.
TOP FIVE RESULTS WHEN HOLIDAYS COLLIDE
- We'd end up with just one big holiday: Hollowthankmus
- A haunted gingerbread house
- Eggnog and Candy Corn Smoothies
- Stuffed turkeys hung by the chimney with care
- Santa's Haunted Sleigh
FIVE MONSTERS WHO ARE NOT HAVING A HAPPY HALLOWEEN
- A vampire with braces
- The Blob after six weeks on Ozempic
- A solar-powered Frankenstein
- A mummy with mummy issues
- A wolfman with really bad dandruff
TOP FIVE HALLOWEEN MOVIES INSPIRED BY THE NAMES OF CANDY BARS
- "Three Musketeers and a Baby Ruth"
- "Twix or Treat"
- "The Secret Life of a Snickers"
- "The Nightmare Before Kit Kat"
- "Rosemary's Baby Ruth"
Laugh a little, would ya?
