An Arkansas resident has finally claimed the $1.817cEUR¯billion Powerball jackpot from Christmas Eve, taking a $834.9cEUR¯million lump sum payout. You know, with budgeting, you could make that last.
Or, even without budgeting.
7% of people dip their pizza in Mayonnaise and frankly, these people must be stopped. Monsters.
25% of us say we have tried, at least, 15 diet plans in our lifetime. I usually try new diets two at a time so I get enough to eat.
According to AAA, about 35% of us have one a French Fry in their car, right now. It probably got there by accident. I'm going to grab some ketchup and go check!
Dakota Johnson and singer/songwriter Role Model apparently are dating. Hopefully, he'll be a good.....boyfriend.
The U.S. Aircraft Carrier Lincoln has arrived in the Middle East. Nothing calms down a situation faster than an aircraft carrier.
The average person has three unpaid bills. Amateurs.
34% of Americans say drinking some water is the last thing they do before they get into bed to go to sleep. Hey, those middle-of-the night trips to go pee don't just happen by themselves!
According to a new survey, Zurich, Switzerland, is the most expensive place in the world to live. The cheapest place in the world? The storage room of the Dollar Tree in Tall Cactus, New Mexico.
Americans eat 30% more nachos when they're drunk. I thought that was the plan from the beginning.
37% of office workers say they've caught their co-worker picking their nose. I would think if a co-worker was picking my nose, that would be more like 100%.
I.C.E. agents will have a small role with security for the U.S. team at the Winter Olympics. I mean, what could possibly go right?
We hear Alaska Airlines showed the new "Melania" documentary on a recent flight and several people walked out.
The folks who take care of the Doomsday Clock say that it's moved to 85-seconds to midnight, the closest to the end of the world it's ever been. My important question-is there a snooze bar on this clock?
31% of American adults have never been to a drive-in theater. I only went one time. It was a matinee and really hard to see the movie.
The average parents spend $62.25 per weekend on a baby sitter. Although you can usually get one much cheaper down at Home Depot.
A survey finds that parents worry about their children 37 hours a week. That's like a second full-time job!
I think the number one thing I'm going to do after I die is ghost people.
I really need a break this weekend. You know, just getting away from people, being away from the crowds. I think I'm going to a theater showing, "Melania."
Some say my biggest fault is that I don't finish things. Not true. It's because...
14 million people are or have been in a long-distance relationship. I guess you include me, if you count what me and Jennifer Aniston have going.
A survey found that 74% of people prefer to read a book the old-fashioned way. So, what do you mean? With my eyes?
Dairy Queen is giving away a free small vanilla or dipped ice cream cone through Sunday because you're getting way too close to making it an entire month on your New Year's resolution.
From Facebook:
- Incontinence Hotline. Please hold.
- I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit.
- Nothing is funnier than watching excited new hires realize why there were so many openings at the company.
- Breaking news: Cold temperatures are expected to continue until things get warmer.
- New research confirms that drinking coffee first thing in the morning helps other people live longer.
- I operate on two levels: Doing absolutely nothing or doing everything at 3am in a panic.
- I miss whatever age I was when I slept through the entire night.
- Principal on the phone: Your child has been causing trouble in school. Me: Well, yeah, and he causes trouble at home but do I ever call you?
- "I can't wait until I'm a grown up" was the dumbest thing I ever said.
- I was going to clean the house but then I realized this book isn't going to read itself!
- I will say that Greenland deploying their weather on us was an unanticipated first strike.
- If a co-worker gets in your nerves today, remember: someone is probably married to them and has to hang out with them and not get paid.
- Where I from, memorizing pothole locations is a required survival skill.
- When you get older, "it's too cold" becomes a valid excuse not to leave your house.
- Punk bands should support their fan base by doing the occasional Sunday matinee.
- If you get an email with the subject line, "Knock, knock", don't open it. It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.
- I feel like I'm a decently attractive person. But then someone takes a picture of me and I question everything.
- They say the serving size for chips is 10 chips. Look, I can eat 10 chips while deciding if I'm going to have chips.
- You never realize how long a minute is until you're exercising.
- I think it's rude that the government knows my birthday but never sends me gift or anything.
- If you fail, congratulations. Most people don't even try.
- My dog barks at nothing, then looks at me like I'm supposed to handle it.
- My wife accidentally locked herself out of the house and I didn't hear her knocking until I finished eating the rest of her cheesecake. So weird.
- My dad was always a "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own" sort of man. Fantastic father. Terrible air traffic controller.
- Saw a pack of gummy worms that had "No artificial flavors" on the label. Who buys gummy worms hoping they taste like actual worms?
- I have zero tolerance for decaf coffee, racism and turkey bacon.
- The next time I'm opening up to someone is my autopsy.
- After 6 hours of feeling anxious about it, I'm happy to report that I have completed the task that took me 3 minutes to do.
- Never ask a woman drinking wine straight from the bottle how she's doing.
- Do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so no one would notice that T. Eliot spelled backwards is "toilet."
- If you cut off your left arm, your right arm would be left.
- You can try to drive me crazy, but I'm close enough to walk.
- The worst thing about Facebook memories is that I'm wearing this same shirt 9 years ago.
- I'm looking for a tax person that doesn't have a fear of prison.
- Go to bed in a fireplace. You'll sleep like a log.
- Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they can't even.
- ME: (waking up in hospital) How did I get here? NURSE: Your wife asked what was on TV and you replied, "Dust."
- Let's wrap up this winter nonsense. I'm ready for swimming, sun and 9pm sunsets.
- I'm conducting free snow shoveling classes in my driveway on Mondays. Please bring your own shovel.
- I tried donating blood today and there were so many questions: Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?
- In an intimate relationship with this one pothole on my street I can't seem to miss.
TOP FIVE SO COLD JOKES FROM LAST WEEKEND
- ...a group of teenage boys all pulled their pants up!
- ...I had to break the smoke off of my chimney.
- ...people were wearing two pairs of pajamas to Wal-Mart.
- ...I chipped a tooth on my hot chocolate.
- ...my shadow froze to the sidewalk.
TOP FIVE SPORTS WE HOPE THEY NEVER INCLUDE IN THE WINTER OLYMPICS
- The Biassathon (don't ask)
- Bobsledding on actual people named Bob
- Combination Hair Straightening and Curling
- Loogie
- Naked Hockey
TOP FIVE MOST OFTEN RECALLED FISHER PRICE TOYS
- Measles Schmeasles Pretend Vaccination Kit
- Dad's Little Bartender
- Little Needler Tattoo Parlor
- Rock 'em Sock 'em Glass Robots
- My First Machete
TOP FIVE HISTORICAL FIGURES THAT NEVER BECAME FAMOUS
- Jane Austen Powers
- Leonardo Di Winky
- Mary, Queen of Scotch
- Alexander, the So-So
- Attila the Honey Bun
Laugh a little, would ya?
