They say once you go WACK, you never go back

A study found that having a meaningful conversation once a day will make you happier. Seems like a lot of work.

When kids were asked what they hate to hear their parents say. The #1 answer was "Money doesn't grow on trees." Number two was "We'll see." Naturally, coming in third was, "We'll see, when money grows on trees."

A new study says that your handgrip strength at 50 may determine your health at 70. It's a good thing I've kept up with all those handgrip exercises.

I'd tell you more about what the report says, but I keep dropping it.

Delinquencies on car payments has gone up 50% over the last 15 years. Not surprising, since what I paid for my first car isn't even enough for a down payment these days.

Britain's Prince Andrew has given up all of his official royal titles, including being the Duke of York. His ex-wife, Fergie, also lost her title of Duchess of York, but their two kids will get to remain princesses. However, Andrew will get to keep several of his nicknames, including:

• Randy Andy
• The Earl of Too Early
• The Lord of Lech
• The Baron of Bawdy
• and Count Kinky

President Trump has so far said no to Ukraine regarding Tomahawk missiles. Now, Tomahawk steaks, well, that's a different topic.

Over 7 million people took part in those "No Kings" rallies over the weekend. While President Trump was not pleased, you knew who really had a hard day? His court jester.

...about as unpopular as speed boat races in Venezuela.

40% of men can't tell you their wife's shoe size. My advice guys, if you don't know, always guess high.

An estimated 75% of people that have a pool table say they almost never use it. We use ours all the time. For storage, setting out food, you name it!

The Supreme Court has agreed to review a law that bars pot smokers from having firearms, if they can remember where they left them.

Yesterday was International Sloth Day. The big parade is expected to wrap up a week from Thursday.

Well, time to get out there and hit those After Diwali sales.

Did you know that Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce co-own a steak restaurant in Kansas City, called 1587. I think that's because that's what you can expect the bill to come to....

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is expected to encourage people to eat more saturated fats. My guess is that 4 out of 5 doctors will disagree.

The Old Farmer's Almanac is predicting snow, rain and sun for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Seems like a pretty safe bet.

They celebrated Diwali in India this week. No word yet on when they plan to celebrate DiBeaver.

So, we hear that Diane Keaton's Golden Retriever, Reggie, is going to inherit the bulk of her money. Something like $5-million. Who's a good dog?

34% of people who fail their driving test fail because they were nervous. The remaining 66% blame those people who didn't get out of their way.

66% of women still clean even though their husbands say they've already done it. So true. My wife was cleaning today even though I just did it back in May.

I heard this definition of TSA the other day: Touching Strangers Aggressively.

Interesting that President Trump should be tearing down the East Wing of the White House. I mean, if west is left, then...

I think something's wrong with me. Neither Randy "Macho Man" Savage or Antonio Banderas make me feel like a Bosch.

President Trump continues his demolition of the East Wing of the White House, after he said he wasn't going to touch it. Didn't he make the same promise to Stormy Daniels?

Those of you who bet money on a British King praying with the Pope before the Seattle Mariners won a World Series, pick up your winnings.

The head coach of the NBA team in Portland has been arrested on gambling accusations. Apparently, Chauncey Billips, when it comes to illegal sports gambling, was a real trailblazer.

One out of four people wish they could make their coffee at home every morning. Hey, for $200, I could give you a quick course.

The average four-year-old asks "Why?" about 48 times a day. And before you ask, I don't know why.

From Facebook:

• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• Sign: We are currently not open because we are closed.
• Pre-school rules and bar rules are the same: You pee your pants, you go home.
• Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
• If you notice this notice, you'll notice that this notice is not work noticing.
• Say what you want about the south, but no one retires and moves to the north.
• At this time five years ago, it was illegal to be within 6 feet of me. I miss those days...
• I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.
• I hate when I'm trying to spell a word and my phone can't spell it either.
• If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become baggy. It looks like you're losing weight.
• I just finished writing a book on penguins. It probably would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper.
• I wish I loved exercise as much as I like getting drunk and eating everything.
• I may not have nailed bikini season, but I am going to absolutely dominate hoodie and leggings season.
• Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight! Husband: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave a light on.
• Your honor, my client would like to plead "Oopsy, Daisy!"
• "No thanks, I'm a vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.
• Apparently bottomless mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code. My apologies to everyone at the wedding reception.
• I always regret making a good first impression, because there's no friggin' way I can keep that crap up.
• I started a revival band. It's called The Defibrillators.
• People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!
• This is Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs 'til Friday.
• I haven't fully decided yet, but I may Wang Chung tonight.
• I was just arrested for trying to steal a kitchen utensil. Yeah, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
• Your secret is safe with me and my sister....
• I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them.
• When someone says, "You're weird" respond with, "Well, thank you for noticing!"
• Being funny at work requires a delicate balance. Enough to make your co-workers laugh, but not enough to get sent to H.R..
• I was just sitting here, minding my own business and all of a sudden, 1985 was 40 years ago.
• Remember, Sunday is a day of rest. The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, the rest of the things that need to get done around here..
• When I say I drink alcohol, everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic. But when I say I drink Fanta, no one says I'm Fantastic!
• Corks are for quitters.
• I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg!
• "How to remove leaves from your lawn" by Ray King.
• When I said, "How stupid can you get?" I did not mean it as a challenge.
• My cashier at the store was a complete idiot. Last time I use the self-checkout line.
• Does anyone know a neighborhood where adults can trick or trick? Looking for one that hands out tacos and Margaritas.
• By the way, this weekend's psychic fair has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
• So, after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball up into the crowd like they do in baseball. Apparently, that is frowned upon in bowling.
• Sometimes, I just want someone to walk up and say, "I know it's hard. Here's some coffee. Quit your job. Oh, and here's $2-million."
• DOCTOR: Alcohol is killing you slowly. ME: That's OK, I'm in no hurry.
• I wrote a song about a tortilla, but it ended up being more of a rap.
• There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who are good at math and those who aren't.
• I don't understand why some people have to get ready for bed. I'm always ready for bed.
• Halloween must be right around the corner because all the stores are decorated for Christmas.
• Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?
• You know you're old when you wake up every morning in Spain, but the 'S' is silent.
• Tums is missing out on having pumpkin-flavored antacid and calling them Au-Tums.
• The difference between me and Superman: Superman has super-vision, I require supervision.
• Mondays are like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by an airplane.
• Kale is so versatile. It can easily fit into almost any size trash can.

THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER'S TOP FIVE PET PEEVES

1. Someone saying, "You have your mother's eyes" and having to correct them
2. Constantly being asked, "So did you play basketball?"
3. People keep saying, "Tell them Boris sent you"
4. Goes to Big 'n Tall shop, clerks run out screaming
5. Turtleneck sweaters constantly getting snagged on bolts

TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF BEING A GHOST

1. You'd like to ghost someone, but that would just be redundant.
2. Always blamed for missing keys and phones. They just left them in the other room.
3. They only think you're cool in October
4. Constantly feeling a draft
5. No, for the millionth time, my name is not 'Casper'

TOP FIVE THINGS YOU'D FIND IN A VAMPIRE'S EARTHQUAKE KIT

1. Maps to nearest Blood Banks
2. Portable blackout tent
3. Bat food
4. Emergency hammer (to break mirrors not broken in the quake)
5. Freeze-dried blood

TOP FIVE HALLOWEEN CAROLS

1. "The First No......AWWWWWWWWWW!"
2. "Up on the Haunted House Top"
3. "A Slay of a Stranger"
4. "Do you saw what I saw?"
5. "God Rest Ye Hairy Gentle Wolf"

Laugh a little, would ya?