Danica Patrick said, "There will never be another Donald J. Trump." Promise?
Disneyland is being criticized for selling a $34 Craftsman Burger and a $22 hot dog. They say it's only in their newest attraction, Inflation-land.
Apple's new foldable phone, the iPhone Duo, is now in stores. I look at the pile of laundry on my bed and I'm thinkin', "Like I'm looking for one more thing to fold."
41% of guys say they're scared of going bald. I've not only gotten over that fear, but I've also gotten over my hair.
31% of singles say they have dated someone they met at the gym. What is this "gym" thing of which they speak?
What is this term, "coffee break?" You mean, some people aren't actually drinking coffee in the morning and have to stop whatever they're doing to have some coffee? Really? There are people like that?
The group that holds rights to Elvis's music is suing Anthropic, accusing the AI company of infringing copyrights to 274 Elvis Presley songs without permission in order to train its Claude models. Both Skinny Claude and Overweight Claude deny the charges.
So, is your pumpkin patch sincere enough to attract the Great Pumpkin this year? Yeah, if only Linus had a motion-detecting camera back in the day...
Just a reminder that handing out books at Halloween instead of candy gives a child something that can be read over and over, shared with siblings, and enjoyed for years. It's also a great way to get your house egged.
I'm SO looking forward to the time change and trying to remember how to change my car clock again.
The Federal Reserve meets this week and is expected to hold interest rates steady...in the president's words, "If they know what's good for them."
As much anger as there is in the world today, I'm waiting for a new version of "A Christmas Carol" where Scrooge is visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Pissed.
It's official: Jay-Z is going to be the halftime entertainer at the next Super Bowl game. Big Bunny fans are already upset because Jay-Z's show won't be in Spanish.
I just bought an Apple Duo phone. Hey, no cracks!
Dollar General is being sued for charging customers higher prices than advertised. They could get busted down to Dollar Sergeant.
A dentist has identified the top five worst Halloween candies that your kids could eat that would harm their teeth. The good news: they're the exact ones I steal from my kids' bag when they're not looking.
People Magazine has named Noah Wyle their "Sexiest Man Alive", completely ignoring all those selfies I sent them.
President Trump is asking voters to ignore high gas prices, which I know from experience, allows us to focus on higher food and everything else prices.
To be honest, I'm not really comforted by the fact that after I'm gone, people will continue wishing me happy birthday on Facebook.
I don't want to sound like a complete moron, but how do I get Disney Plus on my DVD player?
You know, the older I get... something...
Apple is trying to control the negative comments out on the Internet about their new duo folding phone, but there are cracks.
...about as surprising as when a dancer on "Dancing with the Stars" is an actual star!
One in five Americans drive while angry on a regular basis... and 100% of those people always end up behind me.
One in four drivers runs a red light at least once a week. I think I've done my part enough to get me through December.
I'm expecting a future sequel to be called, "The Hunger Games: the Ozempic Years."
Only four days left to second guess who you already voted for.
General Mills has started selling cereals including Cheerios with resealable pouches, to help keep them fresh. To quote a spokesman for General Mills: "I can't believe we were the last people on the planet to think of this."
I'm pretty sure somewhere, a scientist is getting closer and closer to a Sydney Sweeney repellent.
Door Dash is buying Instacart. They estimate the price at $17 Billion, plus, of course, the $2 Billion delivery fee.
I was suggesting to my wife that we buy a cold plunge tub and she told me to go jump in a lake.
From Facebook:
- Another Friday ruined by pants and responsibilities.
- Remember when the FBI would threaten you at the beginning of every VHS tape?
- What if umbrellas were supposed to be 'brellas', but the person who named them hesitated?
- I hate hearing "the bug is more afraid of you than you are." Did it tell you that?
- If this isn't hell, then it's at least the lobby.
- There should be an app where you upload your bills and bored billionaires swipe right to pay them.
- I hate when someone says, "I used to have a crush on you." What am I supposed to do with an expired crush?
- I had a thought, but then I had a second thought. They ricocheted off each other and now I can't find either of them.
- With the end of Daylight Savings Time, we can now all enjoy watching the sunset while eating lunch.
- The best thing about school fundraisers is receiving a surprise Raspberry Kringle eight weeks after I ordered it.
- When you watch "Dateline", do you also think of all the things the guy could have done differently to have gotten away with the murder?
- My wife said we need to stop traveling so much and start saving more money. So, I went by myself and saved 50%!
- We're reintroducing cursive writing into the curriculum. The ball's in your court, robots.
- It's OK to feel a little Hamburger Helpless every now and then.
- I can't wait to go to bed, get terrible sleep, and wake up exhausted with sore back.
- They told us Dodgeball was about teamwork and coordination. We now know it was actually about anger management.
- Let me drink an energy drink on this and get back to you.
- I just attempted my first cartwheel as an adult. I don't recommend it.
- It's just a matter of time before they add the word "syndrome" to my last name.
- I regret some of the things I said last night. I've come up with better insults this morning.
- Time to get up and get going. Today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
- Stop putting diarrhea medication on the bottom shelf at the pharmacy.
- How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan? Take away their little brooms.
- One day you're young and carefree and the next you have a favorite pharmacy.
- I need an app that deletes my number from other people's phones.
- My husband asked if I could clear the kitchen table. It took a running start, but I made it!
- It's been three years since that last job interview. I'm going to assume they went with someone else.
- You're right. The word 'bed' is shaped like a bed.
- The boss sent a note that included ASAP, which I assume meant "As slowly as possible." So I sent back a note that said, FU-fully understood!
- I don't know if I was mentally prepared for a week that started with a full moon and ends with Halloween and a time change.
- I don't know how many meds I need to deal with being in public, but I can tell you, it's not four.
- Candy Corn tastes like they were originally thinking of making candles and then said, "Oh, never mind."
- If you're looking for a job, you could always try Search & Rescue. They're always looking for people.
- Well, that wasn't very "I have bills" of me.
- I grew up in the era where parents interpreted exhaling too hard as talking back.
- It's strange that I trust my left hand to drive but not to hold a fork.
- I'm just sitting her wondering how I never noticed before there's a 'turd' in Saturday.
- Coffee make brain work gooder.
- You know, you can be your own Secret Santa with enough tequila and Amazon Prime.
- My ancestors looked at the sky and knew exactly where they were. I walked out of Costco today and forgot where I parked
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REALLY BAD HAUNTED HOUSE
- A ghost says "boo", pauses and then yells, "Line!"
- Mummy actually wrapped in duct tape
- Witch's cauldron is actually a crock pot
- If you want to have fog, you have to pull a guy's finger
- A zombie asks you where the restroom is
TOP FIVE WORST EVER HORROR MOVIE PREQUELS
- Frankenstein: Where The Parts Came From
- Jaws: First Nibbles
- Godzilla: The Tadpole Years
- Thursday the 12th
- Silence of the Lamp Chops
TOP FIVE QUESTIONS DRACULA IS TIRED OF ANSWERING
- Ever tried garlic fries?
- For God's sake, do you have any non-black clothes?
- Can you say, "Bleh, bleh, bleh?"
- When it comes to blood, do you have a type?
- Are you related to Count Chocula?
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU CAN TELL A GHOST IS NEW AT HIS JOB
- He keeps saying, "Boooooooobs."
- The chain he's rattling still has the price tag on it
- Caught reading, "Haunting for Dummies"
- He asks other ghosts if we have dental coverage.
- He prefers to work days
Laugh a little, would ya?
