Biologists at the University of Minnesota have created a synthetic cell that eats, grows, reproduces, and even competes for food like naturally occurring cells. What could possibly go wrong?
A U.S. cat named Toby has gone in the record books for a cat with the most toes, tying the current of 28. He goes through a scratch pad an hour.
Looking back, I don't think it was fair that the U.S. soccer team had to play two teams at the same time, Bosnia and Herzegovina.
We're now hearing that Mitch McConnell was found unconscious at his home last month, when he was supposed to be unconscious at the U.S. Senate.
LeBron James says he's got a 24th season in him, but it won't be with the Los Angeles Lakers. In fact, we hear he wants to go to the Warriors and team up with Steph Curry. The two hope to set an NBA record for going an entire season without making a pass.
Several Lakers say that, with LeBron not returning, they look forward to touching the ball for the very first time.
It was nice of the FIFA referee to think about the United States Soccer Team, but they didn't have to get us a card.
I bought so many fireworks, the salesman at the stand gave me a high three.
By the sounds of the explosions in my neighborhood after midnight on the 4th, I'm going to just safely assume we're the only ones left alive. I've been afraid to go outside and check.
Beginning today, Krispy Kreme is featuring three new donuts inspired by Girl Scout cookies: the Thin Mint Donut, Lemon-Ups Donuts and a Coconut Caramel Donut. I don't know if they're going to wait outside the grocery store for you to come out, but that would be a funny gimmick.
Yes, I am here this morning, despite the fact the boss gave me a red card yesterday.
When I started on social media, I wanted to get clicks. Now, that happens with my knees every time I stand up.
A Delta Air Lines flight landing in Chicago on the 4th of July was hit by a firework as it was coming to land at Midway International Airport. I'm going to identify my neighbors as prime suspects.
I've heard that President Trump has called the President of FIFA, asking if he could find just 4 more goals.
He also slipped in that Belgium is two weeks away from developing a nuclear bomb.
Now in Maine, when someone tells you something and you think they're full of crap, you respond with, "You're pullin' my endorsement!"
It still saddens me that Captain Kangaroo never reached a higher rank.
Belgium may have beat us in soccer, but we have greener reflecting pools.
The World Cup is almost over. Soon, we'll be able to say 'soccer' without some sports purists correcting us and saying it's 'football'.
I'm imagining someone in Hollywood right now is working on a new movie called, "Weekend at McConnell's."
President Trump is threatening Iran and says if they don't open the Strait of Hormuz, he's going to refurbish the Tehran reflecting pool.
The Emmy Award nominations were announced yesterday. That's the awards show where they honor programs that have been on the air for five years that you've never heard of.
From Facebook:
- I have two personalities. One wants to systematically reorganize my entire life, and the other one is deeply committed to seeing exactly how long I can stare at a watermark on the ceiling.
- When one door closes, another one opens. Other than that, it's a good car.
- Until you work in food or retail, you have no idea the level of stupid that exists in this world.
- The only good thing about the heat in Florida is that no one is hiding in your back seat to kill you.
- The fact that someone looked directly at a purple onion and named it a red onion really bothers me.
- Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo topic? Now, you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a mansion to be sad in.
- I'm quiet because not everyone has access to my premium personality package.
- I'm a sucker for deep conversations. I want to know why your tooth is missing.
- There should be a calorie refund for things that don't taste as good as you expected.
- When I'm eating nachos, I'm always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
- I either drink coffee or say bad words. Kidding. Actually, I do both.
- Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night lighting off fireworks.
- "You can't hide at home forever" sounds like one of the easiest, most enjoyable challenges ever thrown at my feet.
- One of retirement's greatest luxuries is never checking what day it is until someone mentions it.
- Hakuna ma Vodka: means "No more memories"
- Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: "Last warning. You have a week to get me my money."
- You can take my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers...which are over there on the curb.
- Nobody sees my 5am runs. Nobody sees me choosing a salad over fries. Nobody sees me doing yoga in a peaceful sunlight room. Why? Because I don't do those things.
- Every degree above 70 is a personal attack against me.
- Dear summer, I'm only using you to get to fall.
- Fortunately for me, I don't have enough friends for an intervention.
- I don't know who needs to hear this, but the first piece of bread in a loaf stays in the bag until it meets the last piece of bread.
- To all the people who don't like me, calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for around 20 minutes.
- How do Amish girls know it's a romantic candlelit dinner and not just a regular dinner?
- Dear summer, stop showing off. We all know you're hot.
- I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.
- Cookout at my house this weekend. Bring a grill and some meat. I have paper plates.
- This is ridiculous! It's July 9th and people are still lighting off fireworks. One almost caught our Christmas tree on fire.
- The older I get, the less obligated I feel to explain myself.
- Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.
- Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
- What would Scooby do?
TOP FIVE SIGNS ITS WAY PAST TIME TO CLEAN OUT THE COMPANY FRIDGE
- HR sends out a memo asking employees to stop feeding the fridge.
- The mold has organized itself into departments and elected leadership.
- Something in the vegetable drawer has created a LinkedIn profile.
- A "mystery container" is now considered a protected wetland.
- Sometimes food goes in and doesn't come out
TOP FIVE THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT SOCCER THANKS TO THE WORLD CUP
- FIFA knows how to put the 'fee' in FIFA.
- There are no refunds for a draw.
- Players who drop to the ground in excruciating pain can suddenly get back up and run around if a foul isn't called.
- Commentators can make a routine throw-in sound like a moon landing.
- Players who receive red cards are guilty unless they're on your team
Laugh a little, would ya?
