President Trump has promised that Americans will receive a $5,000 check if the Republicans keep control of congress. For laughs, I think the Democrats should offer $6,000 and let's see where this goes.
Apple introduced their first-ever foldable phone. Hey, Apple, you wanna score some points: come up with the first ever self-folding clothes!
You heard about that Anthropic researcher who left the company over fears the technology could destroy humankind within the next decade. Don't worry about it anymore. Our robot overlords have silenced him.
In Florida, a man has been arrested after he broke through the wall into his neighbor's unit using a hammer and power tools. He was charged with attempted burglary and impersonating the Kool Aid man.
A recent survey found that 63% of adults aged 18-29 don't have a credit card. How are you people ever going to drive yourself into debt?
I worry about me when I hear that a cast member from Saturday Night Live is leaving after five years and I don't even remember him being on the show.
Up in Alaska, their incumbent senator, Dan S. Sullivan, is running for re-election. One of his opponents is a retired teacher from Petersburg, Alaska, Dan J. Sullivan. To further complicate things, the former Republican mayor of Anchorage is endorsing the incumbent. His name: Dan A. Sullivan. To summarize: Dan Sullivan is endorsing Dan Sullivan over his opponent, Dan Sullivan.
Vice President J.D. Vance says that our current conflict with Iran is not "a war." That's like saying:
- A traffic jam isn't congestion because the cars are technically still moving.
- A boxing match isn't a fight because the referee called it an exhibition.
- A shark attack is just an aggressive swimming lesson.
- Godzilla isn't attacking the city he's just doing urban redevelopment.
As a baseball fan, I truly hate hearing "wait until next year" this early in September.
I love a good comic, but if he has me 'rolling in the aisles', it may take me a while to get back up.
King Charles announced yesterday that even though Harry and Meghan have moved back to England, they will not be considered "working royals." The search immediately began for any royals that are actually caught working.
King Charles says that Prince Harry and Meghan will remain non-working royals and really, when you think about it, why start now?
32% of men ignore changing a lightbulb until it becomes an issue. Really? Isn't darkness considered 'an issue'?
6% of people say they regret becoming emotional after drinking wine. I have to admit, I've become a bit of a wine snob. These days, I'll only have a glass if I know it's a fresh box.
A new report shows U.S. reading scores dropped 14 points among 15-year-old students. Thank goodness we had the betterest teachers.
Prince Harry is now the 3rd most popular Harry in the U.K., according to a new survey. Of course, Harry Potter remains number one and in second place, hairy armpits. Wow, he's below that...
The annual Emmy Awards are next Monday night. That's when TV shows you've never heard about before are honored that have apparently been on the air for five years.
37% of drivers say they have never honk the horn in their car. 100% of them are never behind me.
For every 100 miles we drive, we curse about 40 times. I think I once figured out my mileage was something like 15 WTF's per mile.
According to a new survey, Americans are more skeptical of government information than they were a few years ago. In fact, to be honest, I'm not even sure I trust that survey.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- Thank you, true crime drama, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't try to stop that murder.
- Some people are such treasures, you just want to bury them.
- Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been much better? Not really.
- Please congratulate me on my new position. It's fetal. I should be in it for a while.
- My salary isn't enough to buy a house, so I bought an iced latte instead.
- UPDATE: Mitch McConnell is still dead but recovering nicely at home.
- I heard someone call a corn dog "a meat Twinkie!" Brilliant!
- It's really sad how Wile E. Coyote is most remembered for his violence and not his brilliantly realist paintings of tunnels.
- Eventually, you reach an age when bubble wrap isn't that fun anymore, right?
- It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or ugly, at the end of the day, it's evening.
- 8AM: Too tired to think. NOON: Too tired to think. 5PM: Too tired to think. MIDNIGHT: How do dragons blow out birthday candles?
- I can't get over the fact that the word "gullible" looks like a cat when it's upside down.
- I saw in the news that a local dentist was arrested for selling drugs. It just shows how little you can know people. I've been going to this guy for years and had no idea he was a dentist.
- I grew up in the best era to be a kid and the worst era to be an adult.
- Since pennies have been discontinued, I'm no longer accepting anyone's two cents.
- These can't be the same knees that I used to jump out of swings and land on the ground with.
- Keith Richards and Willie Nelson outliving Richard Simmons and Dolly Parton has me questioning everything D.A.R.E. taught me.
- I don't need my 20-year-old body back. I just need this one to stop introducing new features without my permission.
- My current idea of an exciting night is going to be and not seeing 2:17am, 3:46am and 5:01am.
- I knew school wasn't for me when I cheated on a test and still failed.
- I just heard that 5-inches of fat can stop a bullet. I'm not overweight, I'm bullet-proof!
- I think I overthink. But do I overthink enough?
- Why can't leg hair fall off in the winter like leaves do?
- I want Buns of Steel, but I also want Buns of Cinnamon.
- My ex sent me a picture of him kissing his new girlfriend. I forwarded it to her husband.
- If you are going to judge me, at least hold up a score card so I see how I am doing.
- And to my children, I leave my drawer full of installation manuals for appliances we no longer own.
- Nothing makes you question your intelligence quite like trying to open packaging labeled "Easy Open."
- One of my favorite games is playing "Did I actually take that pill or did just think about taking it" when you get to decide if it would be worse to double your dose or take nothing at all.
- Housework is for women who don't know how to golf.
- How do I cope? Dark humor, disassociating and caffeine.
- I consider myself a very creative person. I've created a variety of problems.
- Wait until the '6-7' generation finds out the real 6-7. Up at 6, work until 7, 6 days out of 7, until 67.
- Friend: Do you want to run? Me: From what?
- When someone says, "I was expecting more from you." My response: "And whose fault is that?"
- When I buy a bag of air, why are there always chips at the bottom?
- We've got the energy-saver washer so I feel good about using less water the third time I rewash the load I forgot to put in the dryer.
- When a holiday falls on a Monday, it really messes with my complaining game.
- I caught myself bragging to a neighbor that I made it through an entire movie without falling asleep.
- If there was a sign on the coffee pot that said, "Free But Poisonous", I'd probably just go heavy on the cream and sugar.
- I don't bend over backwards for anyone. I can lean back slightly, but even that's risky.
- I like to mess with the world. That's why I have an emotional support peacock.
- I still remember my locker combination from high school. Anyone know how to replace that with something more valuable?
- If we're only talking about looks, I'm probably a 6. But if you take my personality, my sense of humor and values into consideration, I'm actually a strong 2.
- Never in my life have I opened the fridge after a terrible day and thought, "This calls for celery!"
- Friend: Why do you sigh so much? Me: Every sigh is a sentence I decided to not say out loud.
- I look at people sometime and think, "Really? That's the sperm that won?"
- Holidays are great until the "Now, which day is garbage day?" panic sets in.
- I'm not the bigger person. I'm just trying really hard not to become a documentary.
- When my bag comes out first at baggage claim, I suddenly feel like I need to apologize to the room.
- Our WIFI wasn't' working last night so I sat and chatted with the missus. I'm surprised to hear she no longer works at Woolworths!
- Nothing worse than trying to text someone and a cyclist bounces off your windshield and makes you spill your bong.
- Before I have a cup of coffee in the morning, I like to have a cup of coffee in the morning.
- There comes a point in every afternoon when coffee feels irresponsible but wine feels premature. It's a very difficult 11 minutes.
- Sometimes I wonder where I'd be in life if I had kept on digging a hole to China when I was a kid.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU ARE REALLY READY FOR THE WEEKEND
- You've left your car idling for a quick escape
- The back of your shirt says, "See you Monday!"
- You celebrate every canceled meeting like your team won the Super Bowl.
- Your mouse movement is just enough to keep your computer awake
- You're now ending every sentence with, "But that's a Monday problem."
TOP FIVE WEIRD WAYS TO CELEBRATE NATIONAL TEDDY BEAR DAY
- Confront my mom about why my 'Teddy" disappeared when I was five
- Frame a Teddy Bear for that annoying employee at work that suddenly disappeared
- Use your Teddy Bear to use the Car Pool lanes
- Ask your boss for a "Cost of raising a Teddy Bear" raise
- Announce that your Teddy Bear now prefers to go by "Theodore"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE HAPPY THE NFL IS BACK
- You prepared more for your Fantasy League than you have for retirement
- The grocery list consists of wings, chips, and more wings.
- You've put the goal posts back up in front of the laundry hamper
- You refer to September as "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"
- You spelled out "I'm happy the NFL is back" in your front yard with lawn food
Laugh a little, would ya?
