MLB has released the 2027 game schedule. What's the rush? I haven't even finished being disappointed in this season yet.
Not to be nit-picky, but I'm looking at that FIFA World Cup Championship trophy and it features a soccer holding up the earth. Aren't soccer players not supposed to use their hands?
Federal health officials have identified lettuce from Mexico served by Taco Bell as the source of that widespread diarrhea-causing parasite in five states. Taco Bell also announced they're changing their slogan to "Run to the restroom at the border."
If there were 25 hours a day, 25% of people surveyed said they would use that extra hour to exercise. Uh, yeah, sure, me, too! Hypothetical exercise is the best!
One in twelve people will give their babysitter a gift for the holidays. Although, I do think July is a bit early...
A person second guesses themselves roughly ten times a day. Or is it 11....?
I borrowed my neighbor's car the other day. Oh, mine was fine, but this way, I use his gas.
Heard a good way to describe the high humidity: "Air you can wear!"
Scientists studying the T-Rex say that the Tyrannosaurus rex was able to begin hunting soon after it hatched from its egg. It's usual first victims were people attending the baby shower.
New U.K. Prime Minister Andy Burnham is blaming former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher for the country's current problems. Thatcher was in charge back in the early 1990s. Joe Biden was his second choice.
God bless the American Heart Association. They've just announced that up to five cups of coffee a day are safe for most adults and may even have benefits for heart health. OK, we can stop any further research from here. We're good.
They say, "Do what you love and the money will follow?" OK, I just ate two whole pizzas. Bring on the cash-I'm ready!
Today is National Mango Day, so if you're a man, please go.
The American Heart Association says five cups of coffee a day could actually be beneficial for you. Well, the good news for me, as today, I'm good for the rest of the week.
President Trump has slapped 50% tariffs on all kinds of Canadian products, including hockey sticks. Well, there goes that idea for mom's birthday.
Will American's be able to avoid the impact of President Trump's 50% tariffs on Canadian products. All LaBatt's are off!
Some doctors now say, if you live in an area impacted by that Canadian wildfire smoke, you should probably avoid breathing for several days. These are not very good doctors.
I think that it would only be fitting that if Pete Hegseth had a rap name, it would be "Low-T."
The U.S. seized over a thousand internet website domains after they were caught illegally streaming World Cup games. Yeah, one things for sure: Don't F with FIFA.
Marc Anthony and his second wife, Nadia Ferreira, have welcomed their second baby together. He's 57, she's 27. Besides their two kids, he's father to six other kids. He's the Latin Nick Cannon!
Once again, "The Simpsons" have predicted the future. Look at Homer, eating all those donuts and not a single shred of lettuce.
You are more likely to be stung by a bee if you are eating a banana. Also, it increases your odds of being mugged by a monkey.
The average American will use 20 gallons of toothpaste in a lifetime. That being said, I'm surprised Costco doesn't sell a giant 1-gallon tube of the stuff.
Scientists say they may have found an explanation for "The Hum," a mysterious sound reported around the world for decades. Well, actually, they haven't identified the source, but after much research, they've determined whatever it is probably just forgot the words.
Meta is testing an AI bedtime story app so that daddy can keep watching the game.
Enough about data centers. What about those momma centers?
There was a 5.0 earthquake in Texas this week. It would have been a larger quake, but it was just too damn hot.
With the popularity of "The Odyssey", I decided to look more into those stories from ancient Greece. I really enjoy the story about You-Breaka-Deez and You-Pay-Forem.
The first one that says "Hot enough for you?" gets it!
It's been 39 days since Mitch McConnell was last seen. Some say he's on eternity leave.
The average age people stop having birthday parties is 31. Well, when I get there, I plan to keep having them
FROM FACEBOOK:
- I'm so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not fall asleep for three hours.
- I told my doctor I am exercising daily, which is technically true because running out of patience counts as cardio.
- My co-workers think I'm sending a heart, but it's actually my hands strangling their necks.
- Unpacking your suitcase immediately after returning home requires a level of discipline and emotional strength that I simply do not possess until six days later.
- Preschool rules and bar rules are the same. You pee your pants, you go home.
- I'm an adult the same way a folding lawn chair is furniture. Technically yes, but nobody's impressed and I'm definitely not that stable.
- You're not really an adult until you save a cardboard box because "it's a really good box."
- Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy.
- Don't come around me if your doakies ain't oakie.
- I'm as swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
- If you think I'm rude, you should hear the narrator in my head. Completely unhinged.
- I hate when people use military time. It's like, "OK, Lieutenant Dan, what time is it really?"
- People say let's meet at 8. I ask AM or PM, but both are a no.
- I'm starting up a new restaurant that serves French fries with curry poured over it. It'll be known as "Curry On My Wayward Spud" and yes, there will be peas when you are done.
- Nobody told me that being an adult is just constantly hurrying up to get to places you don't want to go anyway.
- If every day is a gift, then today was socks.
- The first and most important step when using an oven is to preheat all of the pans you store inside to 425-degrees.`
- A true friend reaches for your hand and puts a beer in it.
- I've already smoked three packs of Canadian wildfires today.
- I heard that some people actually go out into the world each morning without coffee.
- It's hard to know who to trust these days but I've narrowed it down to people who use their blinkers.
- I'll never get down to my original weight. After all, 7 pounds 6 ounces just isn't realistic.
- Do not regret past mistakes. Every decision, good or bad, has led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.
- I remember, back in high school, asking my teacher, "Will I ever use algebra later in life?" She responded, "Probably not, but the smart kids will."
- Remember, you're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
- When I said, "I like it rough", I wasn't meaning for my entire life.
- At this stage of my life, I'm just trying to stay in shape-ish, keep the house clean-ish, and remain sane-ish.
- I saw a bunch of kids throwing Scrabble tiles at each other. I told them it was all fun and games until someone loses an 'I'.
- I used to be spontaneous, wild and free. Now I develop a five-point plan just to get up if I sit on the floor.
- Remember back when we used to just live our lives and didn't know about every little thing that happened everywhere?
- Is getting older and wiser just joint pain and suspecting everyone is up to something? Asking for a friend.
- Remember being young and not caring which day was Garbage Day? Good times.
- Do you know what I love about Mondays? Me, either. Yuck.
- I hate when people say, "Bite me!" and then act all surprised.
- My friend got all dressed up for a Star Trek convention. Unfortunately, he went as Chewbacca. Wookie mistake.
- Coffee gives me peace of mind so that I won't give people a piece of my mind.
- Step 1: Start a beer company named 'Responsibly'. Step 2: Watch as every other beer company promotes you for free at the end of their commercials. Step 3: Enjoy your yacht.
- When the weather is this hot, please dress for the body you have, not the body you want. Thank you.
- I like to get drunk on the first date. That way, they know what they're in for.
- Surely, not EVERYONE was Kung Fu fighting. And stop calling me Shirley.
- Happy Wednesday. Let's have coffee and complain about stuff.
- My half-brother and I aren't allowed to play with chain saws anymore.
- I love coming home and being at home and sitting inside my home and staying home.
- I've been nominated for a '25 pushups a day for 25 days' challenge. I have blocked that person.
- Hangman is great because it teaches us that saying the wrong thing, you could end someone's life.
- If I were a Transformer, my name would be Amazon Prime.
- Just as I was finally about to start my diet, they go and contaminate the vegetables.
- I think it's a disgrace that after 60 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is or what kind of trumpet he played.
- The devil whispered, "I'm coming for you." I whispered back, "Great! Bring beer!"
- It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
- How am I supposed to know if I have regular Taco Bell diarrhea or Parasite Taco Bell diarrhea?
- We are the only generation that treats the "Low Fuel" dashboard light like an exciting game of chicken instead of a warning.
- THEM: You should listen to your body more. MY BODY: You're old. Have pizza.
- My wife just opened up a jar of pickles by herself, which makes me wonder if my days around here are numbered.
- Isn't it weird that Star Trek goes where no one has gone before, yet they always find someone there?
- My process for getting out of bed in the morning has been compared to a flipped over beetle.
- They say that 'the machines of the future' will be as smart as people. OK, which people? That matters quite a bit.
- Can we please go back to simpler times when we were eating sherbet out of paper tubes?
- If you think a WIFI outage is bad, you've never had a cassette tape get tangled and ruin your day.
- Look, I can give you awkward silence or awkward conversation. The choice is yours.
TOP FIVE SIGNS IT'S JUST TOO DARN HOT
- My shadow is sweating
- You're eating an ice cream cone with a straw
- When I went to pull ice cubes out of the freezer, they yelled out, "NOOOO!!!"
- Mosquitos are spontaneously combusting (so, there's an upside)
- Instead of chasing the mailman, the dog is after the ice cream man
TOP FIVE OTHER WAYS DISNEY IS CUTTING BACK
- Cinderella's carriage now has ads on the side.
- Genie still grants three wishes, but two of them are in-app purchases.
- Little Mermaid now sharing underwater studio apartment with Nemo
- New CFO: Scrooge McDuck
- Snow White's down to just 4 dwarfs
TOP FIVE WEIRDEST FORTUNES I'VE EVER FOUND IN A FORTUNE COOKIE
- "A mysterious stranger will mistake you for someone competent."
- "Congratulations. You have outlived our last prediction."
- "Never trust a llama with financial advice."
- "You have just eaten Chinese food."
- "We're being held captive. Send help!"
TOP FIVE EXCUSES FOR GETTING OUR JURY DUTY THAT DON'T WORK
- "Can I bring my Magic 8 Ball?"
- "I need to bring my emotional support pet skunk."
- "Can I wear my 'Looks Guilty To Me' t-shirt?"
- "I have attention deficit....SQUIRREL!"
- "I have no one to feed my goldfish"
Laugh a little, would ya?
