The Trump administration has reportedly fired all 24 members of the National Science Board. They've also announced the new slogan for the board: "Science schmience."
Whataburger is opening 15 new locations by the end of June. Whatafranchise!
The Fed's position on interest rates is just like that neighbor you can't stand: neither are expected to move this week.
Melania Trump has added a new, fully functioning beehive in the shape of the White House to the South Lawn grounds. From here, she plans to train them to attack Jimmy Kimmel. Oh, and make honey. President Trump and his wife Melania are calling for ABC to fire Jimmy Kimmel. They're divided on whether or not there should be a 5th season of "Will Trent."
The Department of Justice has indicted former FBI Director James Comey for a second time-this time for a picture of seashells he posted on Instagram.
- Hey, life's a beach!
- They may call in a witness which would require Sally by the seashore to shutdown her seashell shop. It's a hard to say. Oh, they'll probably do it.
- It's just hard to say.
- I'm surprised that Dawn dish soap doesn't have a bigger presence in the Ducks versus Oilers series.
- I'm picturing Secret Service agents around the president and one of them yelling out, "Watch out! He's got a Conch!"
- The case will not be called Comey versus Comb-over.
- Some say he was trying to use the seashells to send a message. Others say he was just being shellfish.
- Remember, when seashells are outlawed, only former FBI directors will have seashells.
- Not only did the FBI indict Comey, but two agents also came down to the beach and kicked over his sandcastle.
If nothing else, the president may get credit for re-popularizing the use of the number 86.
According to a pizza survey, 11% of people have topped their pizza with gravy. The monsters live among us.
According to a women's magazine, one of 13 ways to reduce stress is to rub your ear lobes. A guaranteed way to increase your stress is to start rubbing someone else's ear lobes.
King Charles visited New York City yesterday. He didn't have a lot of time there, but he did visit long enough to beat the Mets.
If nothing else, you know you had a much better weekend than New England Patriots coach, Mike Vrabel.
I found my bucket list. Now, to find the bucket.
The average woman will buy 220 of candles over the course of her life. I'm assuming that's for all the birthdays. They live longer, you know....
A survey says that most people stop having birthday parties at age 31. This helps explain the high clown unemployment rate.
One in four men say they never use deodorant. To no one's surprise, we know who you are.
"Sure" is the #1 word you can text someone to cause anxiety. It's good to have weapons.
36% of people under 35 say marriage is outdated and should be canceled. Especially among the single and ugly ones.
80% of us think we're good at spelling, but in reality we ain't.
Jimmy Fallon said it: There was a misunderstanding yesterday when King Charles shows up for teatime at the White House and President Trump arrived in a golf cart.
German Chancellor Friedrich Merz says that America "is being humiliated." But enough about the New York Mets...
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth spent a second day testifying in front of congress yesterday. They just wanted to make sure Colin Jost had enough material for tomorrow night's "SNL."
Coors Light has introduced a new beer: Coors Light 0.0%! Yes, a no-alcohol Coors Light. Water never sounded so good.
I've seen some headlines talking about soaring gas prices as a "crude awakening."
So, what you're saying is, that we should 86 6-7. Just trying to keep up with the lingo.
The average person fantasizes about taking a vacation 818 times a year. Although, if I took 818 vacations every year, they'd probably fire me at work.
When you see the calories posted on the menu, you're more likely to order less food at restaurants. Not me. I find the two items on the menu with the least calories and order both of them!
From Facebook:
- I don't trust English language anymore. Why is it that "give her her book" is correct but "give him him book" is wrong?
- Adulthood is basically whispering "what the *# *" under your breath every time you get a phone call...
- I just got 8 hours of sleep! OK, it was over three days, but...
- I was just minding my own business, and the next thing I knew, I was the same age as old people.
- Sometimes I worry that my husband can find a better partner than me, but then I remember, he can't find anything.
- My current form of exercise is having to repeat everything I say.
- Being an adult is easy. You just feel tired all the time and tell people how tired you are and they tell you how tired they are.
- I don't want to party like it's 1999, I want to grocery shop like it's 1999.
- Welcome to maturity. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you're still alive.
- I declare that us "Xennials" born between 1977 and 1983 be known as "Goonies"
- Did you know that Darth Vader had a brother in federal prison? His name was Taxi.
- Here is a poem,that will be forsaken, I did my best to rhyme, bacon.
- If anybody wants to sponsor me, I'm doing a 0.002 mile run to raise awareness for laziness.
- Someone asked what I do with leftover bacon. My first question: who has leftover bacon??
- Maturing is realizing that your weekends last longer if you start drinking in the middle of the week.
- My Roomba just beat me to the M-and-M I dropped on the ground. I guess this is how the war against the machines will begin.
- Bacon is actually the second reason I'm not a vegan. I'm not a moron being the first one.
- Bacon is my spirit animal.
- The existence of a gravy boat and a gravy train implies the existence of a gravy transportation system. Why is no one talking about this?
- Cereal for dinner on Monday is valid and I'm not explaining myself.
- I've reached the age where I no longer know if I've sustained an injury or if that's just the way I am now.
- Today I'm determined to give it my almost.
- Nothing says Monday like opening your eyes and already being tired of people who haven't even spoken yet.
- I don't bring my relationships to social media. I keep my relationships secret. Even the person I'm dating doesn't know we're dating.
- I put my phone down to be productive. Two minutes later, I picked it up to see how productive I was.
- I have a lot of talents. Finishing what I start is not one of them.
- I need a vacation from my weekend.
- My schedule today is booked solid with things I don't want to do.
- Nothing humbles you faster than confidently reheating food and still burning your mouth.
- My patience is basically like a gift card. I'm not sure how much is left on it, but we can try.
- Being an adult is mostly asking, 'Is this normal... or am I dying?'
- Let them shenan once and they'll shananigan!
- It feels a bit too convenient for an Odyssey would happen to a guy named Odysseus.
- Wakey! Wakey! Sore and achy!
- If you come across a snakeskin it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same thing if you come across my clothes at Goodwill.
- I'm an archeologist and I live in ruins.
- Mars is the only known planet that is entirely inhabited by robots.
- My flabbers are gasted daily.
- When I point my remote directly at the TV, it barely works. If I accidentally sit on it, it switches from Peacock to Netflix, turns on close-captioning and turns itself off and on 4 times.
- English is what happens when Vikings learn Latin and use it to shout at Germans, and then the French shout back.
- As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
- My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.
- I walk around like everything's fine, but inside my shoe... my sock is sliding off.
- A life update? I'm still tired.
- I'm not ignoring you-I'm buffering.
- I put the pro in procrastinate.
- My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch... I call it lunch.
- I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
- I got banned from the local park for training squirrels to line up by height...Apparently, they didn't like me critter sizing.
TOP FIVE RACEHORSES YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BET ON
- 4-Legged Snail
- Beat By A Sloth
- Envy of Molasses
- Slower Than Turtles
- Hope He Finishes
TOP FIVE THINGS KING CHARLES DIDN'T DO DURING HIS U.S. VISIT
- Announce a new party-MABA: Make America British Again
- Ask R.F.K. Jr. for medical advice
- Fall for the old Pete Hegseth whoopee cushion gag
- Out-drink FBI Director Kash Patel
- Attend a "No Kings" rally
TOP FIVE FOODS THAT WEREN'T SERVED AT THE WHITE HOUSE DURING KING CHARLES' VISIT
- Elephant Ears
- Randy Andy Candy
- Revolutionary War Wings
- Ben and Jerry's Camilla Vanilla Ice Cream
- Redcoat Velvet Cake
TOP FIVE SIGNS GAS PRICES ARE WAY TOO HIGH
- After filling up, the pump asked me if I wanted a receipt or a hug.
- I now only drive downhill
- What used to fill it up is now just the down payment
- You need two pieces of I.D. to fill up
- A gallon of gas now makes the perfect Mother's Day gift
Laugh a little, would ya?
