Trump says he's directing the Pentagon to release files related to UFOs and aliens. Well, if they're anything like the Epstein files, I can hardly wait to not see anything.
16% of drivers have hit a mailbox with their car. I almost did that one time. Fortunately, the mail truck saved me.
Half of kids under 21 no longer believe they need to go to college. In fact, my son just said the other day, "Me college ain't going."
Going where he has never gone before, 94-year-old William Shatner has recorded a new album full of heavy metal's greatest hits. Honestly, I've never looked so forward to hearing loss.
We hear that after Friday's Supreme Court decision, President Trump has slapped a million dollar tariff on black robes.
Krispy Kreme and Oreo are teaming up for a new line of specialty donuts. It's like they're insisting I buy a new belt.
Sponsored by the Elastic Waist Makers of America.
The average person will eat pizza four times a month. I'm more of a "four times a day" kinda guy.
Someone asked me if it was ever OK to marry a sibling's ex? Only having sisters, I think I'll pass. Not that there's anything wrong with that!
The average guy cries about 14 times a year. That number is much higher for Las Vegas Raiders fans.
A recently discovered Honus Wagner 1909 baseball card was sold at an auction last week for $5.124 million. Picking the scab off once again for everyone whose mom threw out their baseball card collection...
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been re-elected to the top post of the ruling Workers' Party. Services for his opponents will be held Friday.
Tripadvisor recently announced the "2026 Travelers' Choice Awards: Best of the Best Beaches" and named Cozumel as Mexico's best beach. They have since added the words, "if you survive."
President Trump gave his State of the Union address last night. Don't tell me how it ended, I recorded it.
According to a new survey, 45% of American adults are actively trying to drink less. Seems to me this is a golden opportunity to come up with a Less Wine or Less Beer.
Traveling to Mexico in the near future? You're not very good at decision-making, are you?
7% of people have been hit in the face by a rubber band. Which means, basically, I miss 93% of the time.
A new survey says that "sniffling with a runny nose" is the most annoying sound when working. Those people have never work with Bob "Burritos Every Day for Lunch" Rumbowski.
When I ask A.I. to do something for me, do I need to add the word, "please?"
11,000 Americans turn 50 every day. That guy who just yelled out, "Yay!" works for AARP.
In a survey, lottery players were asked what they would do if they ever won a big jackpot. Their number one answer was 'start their own business'. Number two was getting a divorce. Well, that explains the small business loan application and the lawyer's business card on my wife's nightstand.
The average American says "I'm tired" out loud three times a day. Seems light.
Interesting how Bill Gates is admitting that he had affairs with two Russian women while he was married, but every single Russian woman is denying it.
Certain locations of Dunkin have been selling 48-ounce buckets of their beverages. Just know that ordering one could be used against you in a family intervention.
A new survey says that the average person swears about 16 times a day. Finally, I'm way above average on something....
The average diet only lasts 4 days. I'm actually on three diets right now, because I wasn't getting enough to eat on one.
Your little finger, the smallest on your hand, is actually responsible for 50% of your hand strength. Although, that middle finger can convey so much more.
Netflix has quietly cancelled five of their shows: Miss Governor, Terminator Zero, The Abandons, The Vince Staples Show, and Alice in Borderland. I'm proud to say these decisions will have absolutely zero impact on my life.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going.
- I put my wine down to text you back. Do not ever question my loyalty to you.
- If I ever say I'm cutting back on coffee, assume I've been replaced by an alien.
- My husband asked if he had any annoying habits but then got all upset during the PowerPoint presentation.
- They never warn you how you'll spend most of your adult life preparing chicken breasts in various ways.
- Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
- Every night around 10:30pm, I realize it's only 6pm.
- How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling? You take away their little brooms.
- Don't come near me if your oakies ain't doakie.
- At my age, to see the Northern Lights, all I have to do is stand up too quickly. Sometime, I even get a total eclipse.
- I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer. But then I remembered I like food more than people.
- Just a quick reminder: I am NOT a person you should put on speakerphone.
- I you want to make the wrong decision, just ask everyone for their opinion.
- Never take criticism you wouldn't take advice from.
- I wonder if the guy who came up with the phrase, "One hit wonder" ever came up with anything else?
- Life could be worse. Milk could have pulp.
- I wish sarcasm was available as a font.
- Tough parenting sometimes means telling your kids that they have to clean their rooms before having any donuts and then sitting there, eating donuts and yelling out, "Hurry, they're almost gone!"
- Women know. They just know. Even if they didn't know, they would know. Men might not get this, but women will, because they know.
- If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
- Before the Internet, we thought that most villages had only one idiot. Boy, did we have that wrong!
- The Royal Family is said to be devastated about Andrew's car crash next Friday.
- Why do we say 'Amen' in church? Because we sing hymns not hers.
- I was driving with my son the other day when I realized I was lost. I asked him to get the map out of the glove box and he said, "Easy there, Indiana Jones, I'll just Google it on my phone."
- Is my house clean? No. But are we having the time of our lives making memories? Also, no.
- I went into a bookstore and asked if they had the Prince Harry book that I could download to my phone. The clerk asked, "A PDF file?" and I replied, "No, that's his Uncle."
- My mother-in-law said she tried reading, "The Exorcist" and it was so evil, she took it down to the pier and threw it in the ocean. I went out, bought a new copy, ran water over it and then placed it on her nightstand. Yes, I'm going to hell.
- My goal in life is to piss off at least one person every day. So far, I'm four years ahead of schedule.
- I'm turning off the news and switching to a serial killer documentary to calm my nerves.
- Women mature faster than men because we get our boobs at age 14 and men don't get any until they're 45.
- My brain says, "Let's do something exciting today!" My body says, "Don't listen to that fool!"
- I recently got kicked out of mime school. They wouldn't say why, but it could have been something I said.
- Take your age and add five to it. That is your age in 5 years.
- Why is it when a woman sees a mess, she cleans it up? When a man sees a mess, he announces it?
- Neighbor: I didn't know you have dogs. Me: Oh, they're not my dogs, they're my sister's. Neighbor: Well, your sisters are adorable!
- Of course this is my real personality. Why would I make this up?
- I want to live my life like Alysa Liu skates.
- My personality is that one drawer in the kitchen full of random stuff.
- Life is not a box of chocolates. It's most like mixed vegetables with freezer burn.
- I recently went to the world's tiniest Wind Turbine exhibit. Honestly, not big fan.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- A genie granted me one wish, so I wished to be happy. Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
- My coffee and I are currently discussing whether we even want to participate in today.
- "May you live as long as you want, and not want as long as you live," is an Irish toast. "Bread, cinnamon, eggs, butter and maple syrup" is a French toast.
- Honestly, I'm still confused why our teeth and eyes need their own insurance.
- Every time I visit a website, I click "Accept Cookies". I have yet to receive a single cookie and I'm getting sick and tired of the lies!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY SHOULD GET A NEW DOCTOR
- Your last physical was available on Pay Per View
- He conducts all virtual visits from a golf course
- You tell him what's wrong and he replies, "Let's look that up on Web MD"
- Always makes a diagnosis using a coin toss
- Sign in the waiting room says, "Sit at your own risk"
TOP FIVE THINGS MR. CLEAN PLANS TO DO IN RETIREMENT
- Get a toupee
- Ditch the hoop earring and get something that dangles
- Start a podcast and share some dirt
- Let dirty things be someone else's problem
- Wear something other than white
TOP FIVE BETTER NAMES FOR WEIGHT LOSS DRUGS
- Butt-Be-Gone
- Second-helping Repellant
- The Pants-Fitter
- The Fork Blocker
- The Muffin Melter
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE TALKING WITH AN A.I. ROBOT
- It apologizes for what's going to happen to humanity in 2029.
- Answers the phone with "All hail, Elon!"
- Says his name is Claude Deepseek
- Alternates between calling you a "valued customer" and "insignificant human."
- Just asked you to hold while it takes a battery break.
Laugh a little, would ya?
