Monday was 4-20, whatever that means.
A new study shows that Sperm whales communicate in a similar pattern to humans. And yes, if you're wondering, their name makes them laugh, too.
17% of people say pancakes are the worst food to find hair in. It's why I only eat at IHOPs where the cook is bald.
Two-thirds of us say we laugh at jokes we don't understand to try to fit in. That's around 97% among our listeners.
40% of us say we don't have any life goals. The cool thing about that philosophy: whatever happens today, you can say that was your goal!
Elon Musk is suggesting that we just give money away to everyone. This sounds like a pretty hair-brained scheme. I think we'd need to experiment and start by giving it all to me first, to see if this would really work.
To enjoy a long life, always start every day by waking up.
FBI director Kash Patel is suing The Atlantic after they ran a story that claimed he was drinking excessively. He said when he gets his 60-minutes in court, it will be a happy hour. Not a great choice of words.
Yesterday was 420. I hope you remembered to leave out a gallon of gin and juice and 5 cartons of cookies for Snoop Dogg.
Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer has resigned, really messing up the bets on Kalshi on which member of the administration was next to go.
Indiana Fever star Sophie Cunningham says she is frustrated with her new $665,000 contract. Although, I must point out, with budgeting, you could make that work.
According to a new survey, job satisfaction in the U.S. is at an all-time low. We'd share more statistics but the guy behind the survey quit before he was done.
22% of Americans say they have chewing gum on them at all times. I'd say that's true, especially on the bottom of my shoe.
Almost 1 out of 4 dads say they are better at handling "birds and the bees" talk than moms. I don't know about that. My dad used real birds and bees.
I'm old enough to remember when they didn't fire during a cease fire.
If you're looking for positive news to start your day, the New York Mets have a one-game winning streak!
A new study says that salmon exposed to cocaine in the water swim longer distances than those that go without. They also make for a really friggin' awesome fillet!
Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy said that A.I. will never replace human air traffic controllers. His robo-vacuum then replied, "Ha! Don't count on it."
The Trump administration is said to be considering a bailout of Spirit Airlines. To make the action sound more patriotic, the package would be called "The Spirit of $76 Billion Bailout."
Nearly 70% of people say music at the office makes their job better. Well, except librarians. Then they spend most of the day shooshing.
73% of people have recycled the gift of candles. So, if you want to give an Earth-friendly gift, give a candle. Odds are really good it will be recycled.
A new survey shows that 38% of Americans have stopped talking to a loved one this past year. My sister-in-law would love this story if I was still speaking to her.
Yesterday was "Take Your Child to Work Day." Do let me know when, "OK, It's Time To Take Them Home Day" rolls around.
In a study on 31 coffee drinkers and 31 non-drinkers using psychological tests, caffeine and food diaries as well as stool and urine samples, researchers found that those who drank coffee both caffeinated and decaffeinated reported lower perceived stress, depression and impulsivity scores. God bless researchers.
Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche signed an order on Thursday reclassifying state-licensed medical marijuana as a less dangerous drug. Apparently, the edibles are working.
Jimmy Fallon said it: It now appears that the government will step in and bail out Spirit Airlines, preventing their jets from all becoming Spirit Halloweens.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- I'm at the age where I know more of the medications on The Pitt than I do musical guests on "SNL."
- My doctor told me to watch my caffeine intake, so now I just stare directly at the coffee maker while it brews.
- I have a closet full of clothes, but my daily wardrobe is strictly governed by whichever pair of pants has the most forgiving elastic waistband.
- Trying to read a text message without putting on my reading glasses is basically an extreme sport at this point in my life.
- My idea of living dangerously is eating a slightly spicy meal after six in the evening without having a bottle of antacids immediately within reaching distance.
- I am currently accepting applications for someone to come to my house and decide what we are having for dinner every night until the end of time.
- I do not hold grudges. I just have a very organized mental spreadsheet of people who are permanently banned from asking me for favors.
- Getting into a low car now requires a detailed exit strategy and a brief moment of silent prayer before committing to the seat.
- My favorite party trick is quietly leaving while everyone else is distracted in the kitchen.
- Be amazing today. But first: coffee.
- I bet giraffe's don't even know what farts smell like.
- If you're looking for me, I'm in the break room helping a co-worker look for his Hot Pocket that I ate this morning.
- Nothing humbles you faster than waving back at someone who was waving at a person behind you.
- My toxic trait is thinking I can carry all the groceries in one trip.
- Coffee doesn't wake me up-it just gives my anxiety a personality.
- I'm not lazy. I'm on energy saving mode.
- I don't need anger management. I need people to stop doing things.
- I'm not ignoring you. I just replied in my head and forgot to hit send.
- I don't have the energy to explain why I don't have the energy
- I hate when I step on the bathroom scale and it says, "One at a time, please?"
- If overthinking burned calories, I'd be a Super Model!
- Dumplings imply the existence of one big Dumple.
- I'm thinking about joining the cicadas this summer and just scream for six weeks.
- The problem with kids today is that they don't have to square dance in gym class.
- I've reached the age where my idea of 'going out' is standing on the porch to see what the noise was.
- My kid just asked me what life was like before Wi Fi like I survived the Oregon Trail.
- Parenting is saying no 400 times and then giving in so you can sit down.
- I didn't 'wake up late.' I strategically minimized my morning.
- I went to the store for one thing and spent $84. I have no memory of what happened.
- I don't remember asking to be this tired, yet here we are.
- My plans today? I plan to cancel plans.
- My hobbies include eating snacks I don't remember buying.
- Being a parent is just negotiating with someone who doesn't pay rent.
- Remember, no one can prove that you weren't a regional manager for Sears, RadioShack or Blockbuster.
- People are usually shocked to find out I'm not a very good electrician.
- They say you are what you eat. No wonder I'm not enough.
- I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.
- Green tea tastes so much better when it's coffee.
- You don't know fear until the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house.
- Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
- A marriage license should expire every four years so you could decide if you want to renew it or not.
- I always carry a little crazy with me, because you never know when you might need it.
- My personality is 50% sarcasm and 50% "I need bacon."
- I remember when the only GPS we had was a road map in the glove compartment, and it never folded back the same way twice.
- Friend: Could you elaborate? Me: No, I forgot what I just said.
- Pollen allergies exist because there are too many male trees and not enough female ones. So once again: men!
- Stop blaming yourself for your failures. Learn astrology and blame the planets!
- Whenever I see chocolates, two voices appear in my head. One says, "Eat the chocolate." The other one says, "You heard her. Eat the chocolate!"
- Bruce Lee was fast, but his brother, Sudden, was faster.
- The last time I had faith in the news was when Huey Lewis was in charge.
- The most intense aerobic exercise I get all week is lunging across the kitchen to stop the microwave at exactly one second so it does not beep.
TOP FIVE SIGNS ARE REALLY OUT OF CONTROL AT THE F.B.I.
- New slogan. "Serve. Protect. Recover."
- The morning meeting starts with, "OK, who remembers yesterday?"
- Those "Team Building Margaritas"
- The new FBI badges double as bottle openers
- There's that new Director of Single Malt Division
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE PICKED IN THIS WEEK'S NFL DRAFT
- Your religious views against tackling
- Someone taped a sign on your back that says, "Don't pick me."
- You're known for referring to the playbook as "suggestions"
- Your 40-yard dash time includes a water break
- That chronic hangnail injury
TOP FIVE WEIRD WAYS TO CELEBRATE EARTH DAY
- Recycle last year's Earth Day jokes
- Invent a coal-powered air purifier
- Compost coffee grounds while the coffee is brewing
- Set up "Happy Earth Day To You" as your ringtone
- Dress in Recycled Garbage
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU DIDN'T DO A VERY GOOD JOB OF CELEBRATING EARTH DAY YESTERDAY
- Posted a TikTok video on how cool microplastics are
- Start a new heavy metal band called "Pollution"
- Getting Jeopardy to include the phrase, "Global Warming is a Hoax!"
- Giving out radioactive waste samples, to show how bad it is
- Spelling out "Happy Earth Day" in burning coals
Laugh a little, would ya?
