The dating app Bumble is said to be looking for a buyer. Wouldn't it be ironic if it couldn't find someone interested in them?
The U.S. Men's soccer team had 'second Thanksgiving' the other night. Too much Turkiye.
I think the solution to our divided country is to turn America into one big 24/7 watch party.
Roughly 50% of American homes have a houseplant. If you include dead ones, I'm in!
Nearly 20% of parents say they would rather have a cavity filled than pack their kid's lunches every day. This is why I'm in therapy. And have no lunch.
And I'd just like to point out that while they call it the Lincoln Reflecting Pool, there is no diving board. Just sayin'...
Vanilla Ice's performance at the Freedom 250 concert had to be canceled due to the threat of "inclement weather." Our nation has been saved.
I wonder if being a prophet is still profitable?
Kanye West dropped $400,000 on a party for 20 friends in France over the weekend. Apparently, his wife, Bianca Censori, complained that she didn't have anything to not wear.
If there were 25 hours a day, 25% of people surveyed said they would use that extra hour to do exercise. Sure they would...
23% of men don't know their wife/female partner's dress size. Remember, if you really don't know, always guess really high.
Comcast has announced they're splitting into two companies. There are some of us disappointed that the names of the two companies aren't Com and Cast.
A new study says that Americans love remote work. I love work to be as remotely far away from me as possible.
The world now has 3,302 billionaires and not a single one of them is me.
Only 17% of us have dislocated a joint, like a shoulder. Now, car keys -- that's another thing.
When adults were asked to recall the worst trouble they got into as kids, almost 40% said it involved using BB guns. They're also the number one reason a kid shot his eye out.
I have to say, the "knockout round" of the World Cup has been a disappointment. So far, not a single knockout or even a red card.
To be honest, I'm surprised the government hasn't resorted yet to selling off naming rights to weather events. We could be talking about the Carrier Air Conditioning Heat Dome.
OK, new rule: You can't show a celebrity during the World Cup without putting their name on the screen. I know I should know their name, but I don't!
According to a poll, 70% of people watch television every day. To me, that says 30% of people are freaks!
John Cena announced he's getting ready for a second round of hair transplants. I wonder who was brave enough to him the first round wasn't looking so good, God rest their soul.
Stupid work keeps getting in the way of my World Cup.
From Facebook:
- If you can't sleep at night, it's usually because you're awake. I hope this helps.
- Coffee is vital for survival. Dinosaurs didn't have it and look what happened to them.
- I'm currently living like at the rate of several WTF's per hour.
- Me: Be yourself. Also me: But not like that.
- I care deeply for around five people in my life and 500-600 dogs on the Internet I've never met.
- My idea of meal prepping is ordering two pizzas so I have breakfast in the morning.
- I wish we could take away your pain and give it to someone we both hate.
- My body is just a filter. Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out.
- When I was a kid, I saw adults dating. Now that I'm an adult, I see kids dating. What happened?
- If you wake up 60 minutes early, you can add up to an extra hour of anxiety to your life every day.
- I'm honestly the best person you'll ever meet. I'm amazing. My future partner doesn't even deserve me. I already want a divorce.
- Karma can't do everything. Learn to insult people.
- Healthly advice: Send a risky text in the morning to reduce your daily screen time.
- My wife left me today, saying I was too obsessed with sports. We were together 7 seasons.
- Me, deciding if I should be the bigger person or the bigger problem.
- If they don't want me to drink the whole bottle they should make it easier to put the cork back in.
- Mom tip: Shut your teen's bedroom door to make your house feel cleaner.
- I only have two brain cells: one's missing and the other is looking for it.
- Be you. The world will adjust.
- Instead of 'single' as a marital status, I prefer 'Individually owned and operated.'
- A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. That's what I have been telling myself lately.
- My wife thinks it's weird that I stare through the window during a heavy thunderstorm. I wouldn't have to do it if she'd just let me inside.
- I lifted up my shirt to check out my abs and a Dorito fell out. And there's that.
- If you ever see one crying and no one is giving them any attention, ask if it's because of their haircut.
- Whoever coined the term, "Coined the term" coined the term "Coined the term."
- I no longer hate Mondays. I've matured. I hate the entire work week.
- Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk. Absolutely. Have the sober ones been any better? Not really.
- Woke up, took one look at my calendar, and realized my schedule today requires a level of enthusiasm that I simply do not possess.
- Kids, don't play with fireworks. Let the adults who have been drinking all day take care of that.
- Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.
- It's better to have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.
- A banana has 105 calories. Vodka soda has 64 calories. Choose wisely.
- 90% of adulting is just Googling how to do stuff.
- I'm great at multitasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
- I wish everything in life was as easy as gaining weight.
- I don't rise and shine-I caffeinate and hope for the best.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- Running late is my cardio.
- I don't trip-I do random gravity checks.
- I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
TOP FIVE FIREWORKS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY AVOID BUYING
- Goodbye Eyebrows
- The Future Crime Scene Sizzler
- The HOA Nightmare
- The Neighborhood Eraser
- Who Needs Five Fingers? Fountains
TOP FIVE THINGS OUR FOREFATHERS WOULD SAY IF THEY WERE ALIVE TODAY
- "A penny saved is almost impossible these days."
- "My only regret is that have but one life to lose in Pac Man."
- "Early to be and early rise tends to make for lonely guys."
- "We hold these truths on Facebook to be self-evident."
- "Give me liberty... liberty... lib-er-ty. Lib-er-ty."
TOP FIVE SIGNS ITS JUST WAY TOO HOT
- Your dog speaks for the first time, saying "No friggin' way I'm going out there!"
- Birds are walking instead of flying to conserve energy
- You use the phrase "I'll turn on the oven" as a threat
- Inside the mailbox, no letters...just ashes.
- You burned your fingers opening the mailbox
Laugh a little, would ya?
