Does the calendar make my Tuesday look fat?
48% of people have lied to their friend about the ability to help them move. It always say, "Let me know when you're going to move so I can plan something."
The Grand Canyon could hold around 900 trillion footballs. 950 trillion if you let Tom Brady inflate them.
It takes an average of three minutes and 45 seconds to wait in a drive-through line. That's why I always pack a sandwich, in case it takes a long time.
Gwyneth's daughter, Apple Martin, is denying rumors that she was expelled from her private school for bullying. Well, you know what they say: The Apple doesn't fall far from the Gwyneth.
Martian soil analysis suggests the planet was warm and wet during its Noachian era, roughly 4 billion years ago. Being old, I'm intrigued by this concept of a no aching era.
You're a serious soccer fan if you think that KFC stands for Kentucky Football Club.
7 out of 10 millennials would rather give up coffee than their phones. These are not my people.
The average age a child asks for their own cell phone at the age of four and a half. I say, "Sure! We'll get you one. But first, you gotta get a job!"
My girlfriend told me that I quote commercials too often. All I could say was, "Well, you're not as cool as Verizon."
I want the full Epstein files to be released on a live TV show hosted by Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir.
I'm convinced that actor Shia LaBeouf got into a fight in New Orleans just so we hear his name a lot in the news so we finally know how to pronounce it.
According to PetSmart, 32% of dog owners buy toothpaste for their dogs.
- Hey, if you want a real challenge, try teaching 'em how to use mouthwash.
- True. But I make him buy his own toothbrush.
You know someone is from Washington state if they can correctly pronounce Puyallup, Geoduck and Njigba. (pyoo-AL-up, Gooeyduck and en-JIG-ba)
We hear the U.S. border patrol kept us safe over the weekend by shooting down three more party balloons.
I'm celebrating President's Day today by watching "The Lincoln Lawyer."
One in five women say their child's first word was Da-da. This is why men work so hard for it to be "Ma-ma" so that at 2 in the morning you can say, "Hey, she's calling for you!"
7% of people drink four or more sodas per day even though they know it is not healthy for them. I had a friend that said that was all a crock, God rest his soul.
Looking back, it probably wasn't much of a sacrifice when I chose something to give up for Lent. I went with football.
Britain's former Prince Andrew has been arrested in connection with the Epstein files. Bad news for the family, but on the positive side: Wood Farm, a five bedroom farmhouse style cottage located in the English countryside has just opened up.
Something new may be coming to the British prison system: Royal Visiting Day.
Andrew's arrest was made on his 66th birthday. Anyone need a cake?
The Seattle Seahawks are up for sale less than two weeks after winning the Super Bowl. Now, to find out if they'll take a check....
I do find it ironic that President Trump announced he was going to bomb Iran during the first meeting of his Peace Board.
From Facebook:
- I've got Kleptomania. Is there anything I can take for it?
- If I owned a taser, I would probably be curious what it would be like to be tased, which is why I don't own a taser.
- I ordered a deck of cards online two weeks ago and it still hasn't shown up. I contacted the manufacturer and they told me they're dealing with it.
- Treat yourself like road construction. Keeping working on yourself despite how inconvenient it is for everyone else.
- I used to be cool. Now I research menus and parking situations before I try any place new.
- Imagine the disappointment of a wolf if he was shown that one of his descendants was a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
- I have never tried to pronounce an "L" so hard as when I went to Home Depot and asked if they have any caulk.
- If you can't find your dog, open the refrigerator door. He'll be right behind you.
- Just got my electric bill. When you come to my house, please bring a flashlight.
- Yesterday I tested myself to see if I had psychic abilities. I started simple, trying to melt an ice cube with my mind. It worked but it took a long time.
- Never sing in the shower. Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked, so remember don't sing.
- As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people sure don't.
- When I see cows, I will make the announcement to the rest of the car, there are cows.
- God got bored after watching the earth rotate for 24 hours. So, he called it a day.
- December: I miss baseball. January: I miss baseball. February: I miss baseball. March: Thank God it's pre-season. April: I hate this umpire.
- Every time I go out in public, the public is there. I can't keep living like this.
- I refused to watch the puppy bowl because I couldn't understand a word.
- My mother raised a complainer, not a quitter. I'll get it done but you're going to hear about it.
- Customer: I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese. Me: I'm sorry sir, but we only take cash.
- I wonder if I've ever eaten an egg from a chicken I also ate?
- For dating couples, it was Valentine's Day. For married couples, it was Saturday and someone had a game.
- I hate how I've become an "I have an appointment at 4pm and can't do anything all day" kind of person.
- Be right back. My wife is in the kitchen and I need to stand in front of the cabinet she's about to open.
- Unfortunately, I'm not attractive enough to be considered a hot mess. But am definitely a room temperature inconvenience.
- I hate when somebody rings my doorbell and I have to drop everything and pretend I'm not home.
- Adult life boils down to just four things: Everything is expensive, I don't know what to eat, I'm tired and Ibuprofen.
- That feeling when you start taking vitamins to improve your memory and can't remember if you've taken them yet or not.
- I'm having a garage sale tomorrow. Please don't come if I ever borrowed anything from you.
- My wife left me yesterday because she said I was too obsessed with sports. We lasted six seasons.
- When I say I'm feeling like Barbie, I'm talking about the clicking sound my hip makes when I stand up.
- If really good-looking people are considered "eye candy", I guess that puts me in the "eye broccoli" category.
- I used to believe that adulthood was one crisis after another. Turns out, it's several crises. Simultaneously. On repeat. Forever.
- I drink water in front of my plants so they remember who the boss is.
- My bank informed me that Facebook friends can't be used as references for car loan. You guys are useless.
- That awkward moment when you wrap up a phone call with your boss by saying, "I love you."
- Is it really necessary for the first piece of toilet paper to be glued down?
- Just a heads up: For those who don't want to celebrate Cinco de Mayo this year, there will be an alternative version-"White as Mayo", starring Kid Rock!
- Interviewer: Tell me some of your accomplishments at your last job. Me: Well, I was responsible for ten new department policies. Interviewer: Wow, you wrote ten department policies? Me: That's not what I said.
- My therapist told me I need to stop making up scenarios in my head. Which is odd because I don't even have a therapist.
- My Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto that had dropped to the floor. This is how the war against the machines begins.
- Today's word: Subdued. Definition: The guy behind the counter that's making your sandwich.
- I won't say I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do.
- Boss: How good are you at Power Point? Me: I Excel. Boss: Is that a Microsoft joke? Me: Word.
- If 2-2 is twenty-two and 3-3 is thirty-three, why isn't 1-1 onety-one?
- When I see someone's initials carved in a tree, I think, "How romantic! Two lovers on a date and one of them is carrying a knife."
- I went to a school for magicians. I did great up until the final. They were all trick questions.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT MARDI GRAS
- You threw beads at people. Not on strings, just beads.
- You expected King Cake to be made out of fresh King
- Instead of Mardi Gras, you keep saying "Marty Supreme"
- You wore a SCUBA mask
- Well, for whatever reason, you hid a bunch of eggs
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU COULD GIVE UP FOR LENT
- Remembering why you walked into that room.
- Explaining something no one asked about
- Promising not to procrastinate. Starting tomorrow.
- Remembering my latest password
- Living long enough to see all of the Epstein files released.
TOP FIVE SIGNS THOSE OLYMPIC ICE SKATING JUDGES DON'T LIKE YOU
- When you come out, one judge says, "Here comes old All Ones!"
- Another says, "I'm sorry. I was on a phone call. Could you do that again?"
- One asks, "Can we give negative scores?"
- You're this way, they're facing the other way
- During your routine, they're throwing hot coals on the ice
Laugh a little, would ya?
