Remember to make sure you say those three special words at the beginning and end of every day. Of course, I'm talking about "Back to School."
A new study says that eating too much protein can actually shorten your life. I'm still waiting for science to discover that donuts allow me to live forever.
I believe that the U.S. Supreme Court should be required to change judges as often as they do on "The Voice."
Studies show if you listen to video game soundtracks, you'll be 25% more productive at work. At least, that's what I tried to tell my former boss when he caught me playing the latest "Call of Duty"
35% of us never get wisdom teeth. When I'm going through posts on Facebook, I'm pretty sure an even larger percentage just never get the "wisdom" part.
A new survey says that toasters are the Christmas present that people hate the most. Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure all those folks are toast-haters.
August is National Canning Month, as if we have to tell all those ESPN employees that got canned.
The L.A. Dodgers landed pitcher Tarik Skubal in a trade over the weekend. Thank God. Their lead in the National League West was down to only 10 games.
Police searched the home of "Exorcist" actress Linda Blair on Friday, to verify she was properly caring for the 100 dogs in her kennels. If she wasn't, I don't know what could have ever possessed her to do such a thing.
Minnesota has barred tech companies from allowing users to create deepfake nudes. Well, scratch those vacation plans.
Nauru, the world's 3rd-smallest country, has official changed its name to Naoero. So, a place I have never heard of is now a new place I've never heard of.
You're a rare person. Unfortunately, I like my people medium-rare.
I want to try something nearly impossible. You know, like trying to build a Chucky Cheese A.I. Data Center. I mean, who would be against that?
A Malaysian pilot was caught at Jakarta airport trying to smuggle 70,000 ecstasy pills in his suitcase. We don't know where he was coming from, but we do know he was on his way to one hell of a party.
The average person needs a vacation every 110 days. That seems insanely too long.
One out of six Americans will rake leaves and clean fallen debris from their yards sometime before the end of the year. Usually, in the fall.
Over 70% of men admit they have lied how much they work out on a first date. Hey, the safety padding on this six-pack doesn't just happen.
If Marvel doesn't come out with a villain named Cyclospora, they're missing a golden opportunity.
82% of women and 74% of men fix their hair before work. Those of you who don't-we obviously know who you are!
I reported yesterday that Ohio State was number one in the coaches pre-season football poll: that was a mistake. It's THE Ohio State.
I'm wondering how much our life we spend waiting to leave...
About 11% of people say they like the taste of envelope glue. Sickos.
Some Home Depot stores already have their Christmas stuff out. Their new slogan. "You can do it. Elves can help."
Tom Holland and Zendaya supposedly held a big wedding celebrating on Tuesday in the U.K. after a private wedding. Well, no invite, so I guess I'm taking that gift back. It was a really good back scratcher.
Lucas Jumalon, a 22-year-old professional poker player from Spokane, Washington, won the 2026 World Series of Poker main event and took home a $10 million prize. I don't remember my high school carer counselor mentioning that particular profession. I suppose it would have been a gamble.
From Facebook:
- Well, well, well... if it isn't that bridge I said I'd cross when I came to it.
- How many times have you started responding to a post only to get midway and realize that you really just don't care?
- "You're not the boss of me!" I yell as I let the dog in and out 17 times in a row.
- Just a friendly reminder that Sarah Conner was thrown into jail for trying to sabotage A.I. data centers.
- Son: Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is? Me: No, sun.
- When you realize that "I did high school without Chat GPT" is the new "I walked 10 miles to school" your parents bragged about.
- We didn't take pictures of our food. We ate it before our siblings could.
- I block people who correct my grammar. It's the goodest feeling.
- You cannot control the version of you that lives inside someone else's mind.
- If nobody told you today: I'm beautiful.
- Right now, chocolate is good for you and lettuce can kill you. I've been training my whole life for this.
- Me: My bills are paid, I'm good for the next 30 days. Life: Uh, yeah. No. You're out of laundry detergent, shampoo and paper towels. You need gas, too. Oh, and an oil change.
- Can a pet be an emotional support animal if the animal doesn't want to participate? Asking for my cat.
- I can handle a lot of things but having a conversation with someone in the morning is not one of them.
- To everyone who wrote, "Stay cool" in my high school yearbook, I have some devastating news.
- Chinese takeout: $25. Getting home and finding out that part of your order is missing: Riceless.
- Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.
- I had to cancel my bullfighting lessons. They were charging too much.
- Whoever created the word "receipt" was an idiopt.
- Understand paranoid people better by following them around.
- The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.
- I pay too many bills to be paying attention to people who don't pay my bills.
- Dear best friend, if you ever feel bad, just call me. I'll sing for you and then you can decide which is worse.
- Netflix needs to stop asking if I'm still watching and, instead, ask me if I've moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer.
- Ever notice how people who don't take sugar in their coffee are so proud of it?
- If anyone asks, I'm drinking more wine so I can collect corks for an art project.
- My wife told me today that she's not nearly as expensive as she wants to be and that I should appreciate that more.
- I don't have time to Google lyrics. I sing what I want to sing. Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only 7 teeth...
- I wonder if mom can still slap me into next week. I need my paycheck early.
- When I die, don't look for me in the sunsets. Look behind you. I'll be chasing you up the stairs after you turn off all the lights.
- Crap, that IS my circus. Are those...? Yep, those are my friggin' monkeys.
- Best friends don't ask why you need a cinder block and a heavy-duty of rope. They just ask if the lake is deep enough.
- I showed the therapist the reels you sent me. She wants to talk with you, too.
- Shout out to everyone who still remembers their childhood phone number but can't recall the new password they created yesterday.
- Walmart thinks I want to put up my Christmas tree and eat turkey in my Halloween costume.
- I didn't choose the "I prefer animals over humans" lifestyle, but I met a bunch of humans and easily reached that conclusion.
- When my husband starts arguing with me, I remind him that for a man who falls asleep before me, eats what I cook and takes the pills I hand him, you're acting awfully confident right now.
- I keep my trauma to myself, to close friends and any stranger that seems kind of cool.
- Enjoy your 20s and 30s because when you hit 40, the "check engine" light comes on.
- Why fall in love when you can fall on the floor and never get up?
- My daily routine: work, wonder what's for dinner, pluck a chin hair, walk into the kitchen and wonder why, repeat until retirement.
- I'm so old, I used to go to grocery stores and buy cigarettes with a note.
- Friend: What is wrong with you? Me: You mean today,
- Being in your 40s is blasting "Gangsta's Paradise" full blast in your car while you're driving to physical therapy because you hurt your neck sleeping.
- I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit. Technically, yes, but not really.
- Sometimes I say to myself, "Stay calm, Jessica." But I ignore it because my name is not Jessica.
- "I might see you later today." TRANSLATION: You have a better chance of seeing Elvis riding a unicorn than that happening.
- Day 2 of eating healthy. No results. Such a waste of time.
- I have the worst taste in men. If I have ever liked you, please work on yourself.
- If you think money doesn't bring you happiness, transfer it to me.
- Once I touch my bed, odds are good I'll be cancelling 90% of my plans.
- Whatever this age is, I still want to be invited, I just don't want to go.
- I'm just biding my time until there's an opening on the Muppet balcony.
- Why are pictures square but camera lenses are round?
- There is no graceful way to chase a ping pong ball.
- I might be mean, but I have a kind heart. For example, when I tell someone to "Go to hell", I hope they arrive safely.
- If you try to rob a bank, you won't have any problem with rent payments for the next 10 years.
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR OUTSIDE AIR MAY NOT BE HEALTHY
- Someone hung up a sign that says, "Unhealthy Air" on the air
- The surgeon general just recommended not breathing until Friday
- You went for a 2-mile run and held your breath the entire time
- You saw a dog chasing a cat and both were wearing N95 masks
- Mosquitoes are pounding on your front door, asking to be let in
TOP FIVE SCARIEST THING ABOUT AUGUST
- It's almost time to go back to wearing pants
- Your summer "to do" list is only at 2%
- Starbucks bringing out Pumpkin Spiced drinks earlier and earlier
- The yellowjackets know summer's almost over and they're pissed
- The phrase, "Teacher's strike!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD'S NATIONAL NIGHT OUT GATHERING WASN'T VERY SUCCESSFUL
- Face-painter accidentally used permanent paints
- Who thought it would be a good idea to have it catered by Taco Bell?
- The safety officer was actually from one of the Police Academy movies.
- Who knew one of the neighbors sold time-shares?
- Someone stole the crockpot
Laugh a little, would ya?
