According to the World Happiness Report, the happiest country in the world is Finland, for the 9th year in a row! And winning the award just made them even happier!
The early hot temperatures in Arizona are causing rattlesnakes and scorpions out of hibernation early. Yeah, but it's a dry snake bite.
Here we are again. When gas prices are heading up, you fill up every chance you get before the next increase. When they're heading down, you let it get uncomfortably close to "E" before filling up.
8% of people surveyed say they swear too much. Am I among the minority? F**K yeah!
On the list of words that are the same in ten different languages, "Taxi" is number one and "Amen" is number two. Of course, the universal word in all known languages around the world: Epstein.
So, I wonder which beverage company will be the first to come out with a new size: the Supreme Liter?
One in five people will leave the house with a gym bag today and never use it. Well, yeah-it's a great place to store your Girl Scout cookies.
The more money you make, the less likely it is you've gone bowling in the last year. Not surprising at all to me and my fellow members of my team, the Gutter Ball Boys.
Brigitte Bardot was apparently left out of the "In Memoriam" part of the Oscars Sunday night because of some recent racist, homophobic, xenophobic, and Islamophobic comments. Well, at least she didn't show favorites.
I'm trying to live a more efficient life. For example, I spent the money and bought some pre-busted March Madness brackets.
A new survey shows that one third of all Americans feel that we're living in "end times", which makes me wonder how the other two-thirds aren't seeing all the signs.
Things to do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Wear green and listen to Irish music, 2) Go out and buy some green beer, and 3) For God's sake, take down your Christmas tree!
I caught an elderly leprechaun. He took me to his pot of Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder.
On St. Patrick's Day, does drinking Green Tea count?
Yeah, well, Venezuela may have won the World Baseball Classic, but we kidnapped their president!
10% of us don't know a single joke to tell by heart. If you're among them, let me help you out: Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted.
According to a recent sleep study, if you have trouble sleeping -- experts say you should try wearing sunglasses 2 hours before bedtime. So, I did. I tripped over an ottoman, hit my head, and woke up 10 hours later. Slept like a baby.
According to a new survey, 50% of Americans think the war against Iran is meant to distract from the Epstein files. The other 50% said, "What war?"
There is going to be "A Quiet Place 3", the number one scary movie among librarians.
You know, the day after St. Patrick's Day, withdrawing from being Irish all day really gives you a headache.
A federal judge struck down an Arkansas law that required the Ten Commandments be prominently displayed in public school classrooms. In the judge's words, "Thou shalt not!"
Supporters of the Ten Commandments being in classrooms threw down their computers in anger. Yes, they broke their tablets.
3% of us consumed an alcoholic drink at lunch today. I never drink at lunch. It's more of a breakfast thing.
A national survey of more than 7,000 U.S. adults suggests that roughly 19.3 million Americans have seriously thought about shooting another person at some point in their lives. Stop nodding your head and smiling at me!
The guy that President Trump hopes will replace Kristi Noem -- Markwayne Mullen -- I have a question for you: Can you chose just one first name
FROM FACEBOOK:
- It's probably just as well that McDonald's never offered a sirloin sandwich. It would probably have been a McSteak.
- ME: What temperature should I wash this shirt in? WIFE: What's it say on the shirt? ME: Pink Floyd.
- My boss said I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.
- A "buttload" of underwear is just one pair.
- "I would never kill an animal. I'm more of a people person." -Vlad the Impaler
- My superpower is making simple tasks way more complicated than necessary.
- I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
- My plans today include cancelling all my plans.
- I need a six month vacation twice a year.
- I have a degree in Googling things at work
- If being tired were a sport, I'd still be too tired to compete.
- I'm great at giving advice I never take.
- I don't need a reminder. I need a personal assistant.
- Twizzlers taste like they might have originally meant to be a toy.
- My body is not a temple, it's a Federation Starship...with critical hull damage and shields down to 15%.
- I was once a people person. But people ruined it. So, I'm now a coffee person.
- I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.
- Some people need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
- I'm not bossy. I just have better ideas.
- I'm not lazy. I'm just in energy-saving mode.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner. She said 'food.' We are now in hour three of negotiations.
- I love long romantic walks...to the fridge.
- Leprechauns are just Santa's elves that got fired for drinking on the job.
- Isn't it weird that people who call themselves "florists" know nothing about installing linoleum?
- I don't rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.
- I love long walks... to cancel plans.
- I put my phone down to be present and immediately forgot why.
- I'm great at multitasking-I can waste time in several ways at once.
- I love how confidently I say "No worries" while absolutely worrying.
- THEM: Money can't buy happiness. ME: I think you're using money wrong.
- I put something down and now it lives somewhere else.
- I opened the fridge, stared at it for a while, then closed it like it personally offended me.
- I need a vacation from the stress of deciding what to eat.
- My dog thinks every delivery driver is a personal enemy.
- My idea of multitasking is eating while scrolling.
- I woke up tired, went to bed tired, and somehow got more tired in between.
- I love how Facebook reminds me of memories I was trying to forget.
- I didn't lose my motivation. I put it somewhere safe and now I can't find it.
- Being an adult is just Googling things you should already know.
- Tom thinks the chicken came before the egg but admits he doesn't really know. He says he's eggnostic.
- So, earth is basically auditions for heaven and hell.
- I don't understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That's why I'm here!
- If alcohol affects your short-term memory, imagine what alcohol would do!
- I want to fall in love, but Monday through Friday is work. Saturday is laundry day and Sunday is mental prep for Monday.
- Gas prices are wild! I asked for $5 worth, the clerk farted and then handed me a receipt.
- The most dangerous moment of the day is finishing your coffee and realizing you now have to make decisions.
- For the Epsteinth time: We aren't going to let the files go.
- At my funeral, I want a group of Italian men in black suits to walk up, say "We'll, miss you, boss" so my family thinks I was mixed up in something mysterious.
- I'm guessing they had to invent artificial intelligence since real intelligence is running out.
- My rap name would probably be Lil Redbull.
TOP FIVE WORST IRISH TOASTS
- I didn't prepare a toast, so, to Jill Ireland!
- Here's to traditions we Googled five minutes ago.
- May your glass be full and your bladder empty.
- May the leprechaun you accidentally step on not be wearin' a coat with spikes.
- May your regular bartender get amnesia.
TOP FIVE THINGS I DID TO GET READY FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY
- Those liver stretching exercises
- Say to myself: "No bad Irish accents!" "No bad Irish accents!"
- Be sure to set up only the non-lethal leprechaun traps this year
- Wax my Shillelagh
- Get that Costco gallon size of green food coloring
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU CELEBRATED ST. PATRICK'S DAY A LITTLE TOO MUCH
- You receive a 'Thank You' note from Guinness
- In your living room: 43 empty Shamrock Shake cups
- That new "Top of the mornin'" tattoo on your chest
- When did my house get painted green?
- You keep finding 4-leaf clovers where 4-leaf clovers shouldn't be
TOP FIVE JOB OFFERS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TURN DOWN
- Punch the Monkey's official Feces-Thrower
- RFK Jr.'s voice coach
- Tanning bed operator for Conan O'Brien
- Birthday party planner for Nick Cannon's kids
- Becoming an Iranian leader body double
Laugh a little, would ya?
