They say once you go WACK, you never go back

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth says that Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan will be livestreamed this December.

• Just in time for the holiday season.
• It will be available on Pay-per-shoot.
• Tonight's public execution is brought to you by DraftKings. Place your bets responsibly.
• If you bundle it with the torture channel, you'll save $3 a month.

The only thing we know for sure about Hurricane Isaias is that there's probably not going to be a rush to name kids after this one.

President Trump has been passed over again for a Nobel Peace Prize, which could mean another war coming up.

27% of men wash their car at least once a week. The other 75% wish they had hair to wash at least once a week.

A nurse walks approximately 4.5 miles a day. So quit hitting that call button so friggin' much!President Trump posted last week: Anyone who still uses the term "artificial intelligence" instead of "super intelligence" is the "enemy." But...what if I called it "artificial intelligence of America?" Hmmmm?

Hard to believe it's almost time for the scariest night of the year. But the heck with Election Day, it's almost Halloween!

Yesterday, the White House asked for the resignation of Kimberly Guilfoyle as U.S. ambassador to Greece. You should have seen the look on her face. Actually, don't rush. Its not going anywhere.

Guilfoyle actually resigned yesterday. Needless to say, American Express said they were disappointed and were still waiting for a payment.

Friends are telling her to keep a stiff upper and lower lip.

Of course, this Friday is Whalefall. Which, of course, follows Whalesummer.

Families headed by someone aged 75 are now the wealthiest in the US, according to the Federal Reserve's Survey of Consumer Finances. I've only got a few years to go. I wonder where all the money is going to come from?

And let that be a lesson to us all. If Kelly Clarkson comes into your store and wants to buy something, just sell it.

You hear a lot of people shocked at what Shane Gillis said last weekend on "Saturday Night Live." Hey, he's a shock comedian. I'm shocked that you're shocked.

OK, I want to talk about the elephant in the room. First of all, whose elephant is it? Secondly, who's going to clean that up?

In Philadelphia, an AI agent developed by Anthropic submitted a false homicide tip to police. Spam filters intercepted the form, but Anthropic did not register the incident for two months. I wonder if it accused Tom Cruise of killing his future wife?

I remember back when I was looking forward to the college football season. Seems like it was only a month ago...

President Trump has suggested that we rename the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean to the 'Trump Ocean' or 'Ocean of the Americas.' I hope he's happy that when I go to the restroom, I announce, "I'm going to go take a Trump."

Yesterday was Columbus Day and some say its time for it to go. But it still serves the purpose of checking to see if you're dumb enough to check the mail at least two times on a federal holiday. Wait, no, that was three times.

The next time I get on an airplane and realize that there's a screaming baby or a kid kicking my seat, I'll just remember to be thankful it's not Selma Blair.

I'm old enough to remember back when you said, "People are freaking out about A.I.", you were talking about American Idol!

41 is the average age when people start taking vitamins in order to get healthy. With my personal research, that's also the age where you wake up with a new pain every day.

23% of women say leaving wet towel on the bed is their partner's worst habit. C'mon guys. Put in a little effort and just leave it on the floor!

I can't believe they have a new movie coming out soon called "Godzilla Minus Zero." I hate math.

It would be ironic if the Lincoln Pool renovation lasted longer than the Civil War. Just sayin'...

All these years later and General Tso has never been promoted.

I complain a lot about laundry, but I would great reduce my whining if I had money to launder.

Fewer than half of Americans can do ten push-ups in one setting. I usually eat three of them and then I'm pretty full.

Almost 50% of Americans lie when they go to the doctor. Most of those start with, "When you're say 'alcohol', what size drinks are you talking about?"

If I were Shane Gillis, I wouldn't go anywhere near a gym for a while. Actually, never mind: I don't go anywhere near them already.

I pointed out to a friend yesterday that it was National Grouch Day. He told me to shut up.

From Facebook:

• Someone asked me what my favorite bird is and I panicked and said, "Rotisserie Chicken."
• I wear an insane amount of laundry for someone who wears the same four things.
• I'm not a morning person. Or an afternoon person. Or an evening person. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure I'm a person.
• What does a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? Both are Paris sites.
• It's Monday, or as I like to call it, day 1 of the hostage situation.
• Getting older means your arm has to be in just right position when you go to bed if you want to use it the next day.
• First, my mom was afraid I'd get married too young and now she's worried I'll never get married.
• You don't need to check Spotify. You were the most played this year.
• Can we get a freaking estimate on when "This too shall pass?"
• I need to re-home a dog. It's a yappy terrier and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.
• It's hard to go to the movies these days. The projectionist refuses to pause the movie so I can Google what else I've seen that actor in.
• If you eat candy corn, I'm assuming you eat crayons and candles as well.
• "Stop, drop and roll" is not only a great way to put out fires, but it also works well to get out of boring conversations.
• Get your relatives talking to each other by sending a photo Christmas card with an extra kid in it no one knows.
• From a young age, I always knew there was something wrong with everyone else.
• My wife is a foot shorter than me. She has no idea that I'm bald.
• Me: Are you still mad at me? Wife: No. Mw: I love you. Wife: Good for you.
• Aging is realizing your body keeps receipts for all the things you did in your twenties.
• How does one get a hurricane name after them? I've been a disaster my entire life. I think I could qualify.
• The voices in my head have started a group chat.
• My superpower is buying something online and then checking the tracking information every 11 minutes.
• I'm at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
• I cleaned the house today. Tomorrow I'll figure out what to do with all the stuff I hid.
• I'm not saying snacks solve problems, but have you ever seen someone cry while eating a donut?
• I make plans at 6pm and suddenly consider the entire day booked.
• I forgot where I put my...oh, shoot! I forgot what I forgot!
• Nothing is ever truly lost until your wife can't find it.
• I've reached the stage of life where happy hour is a nap.
• The most expensive part of owning a car is convincing yourself the new noise is normal.
• The self-checkout line at my grocery store now has a tip screen. I tipped myself 20%. My service was excellent!
• If you don't remember her name, in the morning take her to Starbucks!
• Don't let your printer know you're in a hurry. They sense fear.
• If stress burned calories, I'd be invisible by now.
• The scariest phrase in the English language isn't "We need to talk." It's "Per my last email."
• I finally reached the age where all my injuries have origin stories.
• Being a trophy husband is exhausting!
• If you want to be happy, don't be sad.
• If this isn't hell, it's definitely the lobby.
• My Transformer name is 'Sarcastmatron'.
• You're over 35. Better go pee before you leave, pee when you get there, pee while you're there and pee before you leave.
• You're not everyone's cup of tea. Instead, be a laxative. Move people.
• Everything is on the tip of my tongue these days. Apparently, that's where store things these days.
• Someone just referred to mansplaining as "correctile dysfunction."
• I missed 2 of my mom's calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew that she called.
• I'd like to give a shoutout to my arms for always being by my side!
• Ice cream season is over. But ice cream while wearing a jacket season is just starting.
• Next week has already been exhausting.
• Understanding sarcasm is a sign of a healthy brain.
• 'Vegetarian' is an old Native American word for 'bad hunter'.
• If I were to rate candy bars on a fun scale, I'd say that 'fun size' is the least fun.
• At my age, "walking distance" means I can still see the car.
• I tried to be normal once. What a snoozefest that was!
• My honest opinion on when to use 'who' or 'whom' in a sentence? Whom cares!
• Coffee doesn't fix everything, but it does add a tiny emotional handrail to the staircase of nonsense.
• Sometimes I like to relive my youth by answering the phone.
• If you solve a Rubik's cube except for one side, put that on the bottom, set it down and walk away.
• You know what I think? I'm thinked out.
• Witnesses say that it all started with a, "You go!", "No, you go!" at a 4-way stop.
• When you don't own a leaf blower, nothing beats a windy fall day.
• I can't help it. My swear jar is now offering travel points.
• Autocorrect sometimes throws you a curveball, but I laugh it off because I have a great sense of hummus.

TOP FIVE THINGS TO EXPECT IF STARBUCKS BUYS CHIPOTLE

1. The Frappurrito: A frozen burrito blended with ice and topped with whipped cream.
2. Would you like to wait for your coffee while we make your burrito or wait for your burrito while we make your coffee?
3. Oh boy-a Pumpkin Spice Quesarito.
4. You'll hear the phrase, "Can I get a name for your taco?"
5. Burritos will come in sizes: Short, Tall, Venti and Somehow Still Not Enough

TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT HAVING THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER LIVING NEXT DOOR

1. You ask to borrow a cup of sugar and get a detailed lecture on reanimation science.
2. Your HOA has stopped sending violation notices. They're just too scared.
3. Every neighborhood barbecue turns into an awkward discussion about organ donation.
4. Borrowed your jumper cables and never returned them
5. Those constant "Burn the Monster" rallies out on his front lawn

TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF HAVING A VAMPIRE AS YOUR NEXTDOOR NEIGHBOR

1. HOA meetings always have to be scheduled after sunset
2. When the Welcome Wagon comes over, hasn't answered his door since 1753.
3. Freaks out when you ask if he wants to come over for a steak.
4. At the carnival, never wants to go in the house of mirrors with you
5. When you see bats flying around, you can never tell which one is him

TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS OF HAVING A WEREWOLF AS YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Landlord keeps asking about the scratch marks 7-feet up on the wall
2. In his defense, he's a great guy 29 days of the month
3. So much shedding on the white couch
4. Shower drain constantly clogged
5. His constant howling when you try and watch an episode of "Moonlighting."

TOP FIVE COMPLAINTS ABOUT HAVING A MUMMY AS YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Keeps forgetting how to spell 'sarcophagus'.
2. He's a fan of pyramid schemes.
3. At Halloween, always goes as a Wrapper.
4. For God's sake, pick up your feet
5. That powerful 'old tomb' smell.

Laugh a little, would ya?