I remember back in college going on a really weird date. Five minutes in, she pulls out a rainbow-colored bowling ball. The weird thing was, we were at a movie theater.
Someone tried to create the numbers "8647" in the grass on the National Mall. The good news-no seashells were involved.
There was a lot of fighting and kicking and screaming at the White House yesterday. And they had those UFC fights on the front lawn, too.
35% of us will get up and eat a snack when we're having trouble sleeping. Ironically, I usually sleep when I'm having trouble snacking.
According to Consumer Reports, about 25% of people buy cookbooks, even though they originally had no intention of doing so. I not only don't like to cook, I just bought a copy of the book, "Uber Eats for Dummies."
President Trump announced Sunday night that the bloodshed was over, that the injured will be treated and all in all, it was a successful night of UFC fighting.
Of course, with a peace deal in Iran at hand, he plans to move to his next project: reaching a peace agreement between Hall and Oates.
None of us have a guaranty it's going to be a great day. We only get a "memorandum of understanding."
A survey among Venezuelans shows that they aren't happy with their country since President Trump took over. Gee, where have I heard that before...?
Monday was National Take Your Cat To Work Day. Notice I'm waiting until two days after the event that I'm reminding you.
Didn't know that making America so great would be this expensive, did you?
To be honest, I hadn't planned on getting this old at such a young age.
...about as frustrating as Edward Scissorhands making balloon animals.
Yum! Brands announced that they are selling Pizza Hut to a private equity firm for $2.7-billion. Plus tip.
...here for another fantastic four-hour show, plus stoppage time.
Sir Paul McCartney turns 84 today. Thankfully, he doesn't need the money or you'd think by now that Walmart would have him in a commercial singing, "I am the Walmart-rus."
I'm just assuming they're calling that parasite a "screw worm" so as not to offend people with its real name.
Harry, Meghan and the kids are going to visit the U.K. next month. Should prove quite a challenge for British citizens, trying to keep a stiff upper lip while biting their tongue.
A new survey says that sitting too little can be just as bad for your health as standing too much. Now what the hell am I supposed to do?
Father's Day is this Sunday. I've got the perfect gift in mind. Now, I just need to figure out how to wrap a gallon of gas.
We'll overeat 13 times from November 22 through December 31. I find that's not really a seasonal thing for me.
Dancers and choreographers have the highest divorce rate in America. The problems usually start with the phrase, "Mind if I cut in?"
From Facebook:
- There comes an age where you don't care how you look in photos anymore. You just want to look good in MRIs, Ultrasounds, and CT Scans.
- Accidentally went grocery shopping while hungry and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
- I admire people who get up, have breakfast, shower and get ready in 30 minutes. I need 30 minutes just to figure out where I am and who I am.
- I never met a problem I couldn't make worse.
- I've never put a single drop of alcohol in my mouth. A liter yes, but just drop, no.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- People who like my posts are happier, healthier and better-looking than those who don't. (according to a survey I made up)
- Whoever designed wet wipe packs where you pull one out and four come with it should have been put in charge of ATMs.
- I've come to the conclusion that my memory is like an Etch-a-Sketch: I shake my head and forget everything.
- I don't always lose stuff, but when I do, it's because my wife moved it.
- If I marry someone who doesn't like sleeping with the fan on then we'll just have to compromise and sleep with the fan on.
- Whenever I hear about a new disease, I look at the symptoms to see if I have it. As soon as I get to "unexplained weight loss", I know I'm safe.
- I thought about being productive today and remembered, it's the thought that counts.
- Each day, I better understand why cats just walk away mid-conversation.
- I just got my musician friend a "get better soon" card. He's not sick. I just think he could get better.
- I'm just livin' la vida broka.
- The way you say "representative" to an automated system is the real you.
- I went to the bathroom today without my phone, just like my ancestors used to.
- I need a coffee that walks into my brain, flips a table over and says, "Get up! We have responsibilities!"
- Live in a way that people don't burst into applause when your name gets peeled off a building.
- In the event of a tornado, put wieners in your pockets. That way, the search dogs will find you first.
- "I will be contacting my lawyer" is the adult version of "I'm telling my mom!"
- If my name was Nate, I'd tell people it was short for Baconator.
- I hope that one day, my life one day looks as good as it does on social media.
- My life is basically 'I should really stop doing this'... then doing it again
- Some people are like clouds... when they disappear, it's a beautiful day.
- I don't know if my pants are loose because I'm losing weight, or because the elastic has finally given up the fight.
- Just once I'd like to hear someone say, "That's him! He's the one!" without following it with, "He's the one who ate all the donuts!"
- I want you to know that one day I will stop annoying you. Today is not that day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
- What's the support group called that helps people who talk too much? On and On anon.
- Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes and sarcastic comments
- Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on here, I'm thinking about uploading my bills
- They should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to each other.
- I'm not a magician but I once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage.
- Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that 'take-out' can mean food, dating or murder.
- They say the machines of the future will be as smart as people...OK, but which people? 'Cause it matters a lot.
- I'm buying myself a cake today because it would be my birthday if I had been born today.
- Alcohol is just the liquid version of Photoshop.
- Can I still use the carpool lane if the other person is in the trunk? (asking for a friend)
- Remember, if you work hard enough at your job, you get to do other people's work, too.
- Therapist: So does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness? Me: No, we all really seem to enjoy it.
- The me that writes my weekend to-do list and to me that wakes up in the morning on the weekends are two very different people.
- If pigs could fly, I'll bet their wings would be delicious.
- If a man speaks in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
- The hardest three things to say: I'm sorry, I need help and Worcestershire sauce.
- "Where the hell are all these moths coming from?"-Thomas Edison, 8 hours after inventing the light bulb
- They say revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say, revenge is sweet. So, in other words, revenge is ice cream!
- OK, when other people call their dogs "fur babies", it's fine. But when I call a kid a "skin dog" I'm "discusting" and "the worst pediatrician in the world!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU CAN TELL A WORLD CUP FAN IS AT HIS FIRST-EVER SOCCER GAME
- Utters the phrase, "God, I hope it's a scoreless tie."
- Asks, "Which one is Pele?"
- Keeps wanting to high-five on every yellow card
- Asks you, "Which one is Aaron Judge?"
- Keeps yelling out, "Use your hands!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT IT'S TOO HOT
- Your dog attacks you when you try to take him for a walk
- By the time I got home with a loaf of bread, it was toast
- Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs
- An ice cube just asked if it could go back into the freezer
- My sweats are actually sweating
TOP FIVE OTHER SPORTS THEY'RE CONSIDERING BRINGING TO THE WHITE HOUSE
- Bowling for Tariffs
- Cabinet Meeting Dodge Ball
- A State Dinner Dessert Dash
- A Croquet Death Match
- Easter Egg Roll-Tackle Edition
Laugh a little, would ya?
