My sister remembers that time in my younger years when I did a parody commercial for Schlitz Beer and I closed it with the slogan, "If you're out of beer, tough Schlitz."
Gas prices are out the roof. Ebola is breaking out. OK, OK, I'll just stay home!
The Pentagon dumped a bunch more videos and pictures of U.F.O.'s on Friday and asked if you had forgotten about the Epstein files yet. Then, realizing their mistake, they'll try to remember not to mention those on the next dump.
I drove by a sign the other day that said, "Win Free Diapers and Wipes for a year!" and my question was, "OK, but who is doing the wiping?"
In Washington state, an alcohol distributor closed all of its distribution facilities, eliminating 267 jobs. Pretty sobering news.
If T-Mobile ever goes bankrupt, my wife gets partial credit. Although, T-Mobile should get most of the blame for selling her that phone screen cover with unlimited replacements.
Starbucks is dropping their new A.I. inventory system after only 9 months and going back to tradition people-based tracking. Not surprising, the Starbucks system would recognize an item, but always spell its name wrong.
That UFC fight at the White House is scheduled for June 14th, Flag Day and President Trump's 80th birthday. He'll finally have his brawl room.
Robert F Kennedy Jr, the health secretary, posted to social media yesterday a video of himself in Florida wrestling with two snakes. If you listen very carefully, you can hear the snakes saying, in a whisper voice, "Help me."
Yesterday, a federal judge granted former FBI Director James Comey's request to delay his criminal trial for allegedly threatening to kill President Donald Trump by posting a photo of seashells. Hey, when seashells are outlawed, only crabs will have seashells.
In a related story, Sally denied ever selling seashells to Comey down by the seashore.
In the same week that Meta laid off 1400 workers in the Seattle area, Mark Zuckerberg's 387-foot super yacht arrived in Seattle so he could catch some World Cup games. I believe it's called the "Miss Paychecks".
Kid Rock says he will not put out any more music if the Democrats win the mid-term elections. I'll just leave that one there...
If nothing else, I do feel a little bit of sympathy for news people who have to report on Iranian Uranium so often...
The good news is, they've created a car that runs on something other than gasoline. The bad news: it runs on beef.
7:45pm is the most likely time you'll see a spider. It's also the most likely time you'll hear me scream.
One-third of American workers suffer from job-related stress because they're being severely overworked. I'm lazy on purpose just for the sake of my own health.
The average woman thinks "I hate my clothes" three times a week. To be completely honest, you're the reason I have the Fashion Police on speed dial.
Women pride themselves in the unique skill of having a sixth sense. Yeah, my wife always knows what I'm thinking because she told me.
A Seattle man is being charged for throwing a rock at a monk seal in Hawaii. Can we get past the headline and ask the important question: Who knew seals could be monks?
The inflation rate in April has clocked in at 3.8%. Seems light.
There's talk of a new $250 bill that would have President Trump's face on it. Seems like an awfully expensive alternative to Angel Soft or Charmin.
Today is National Paper Clip Day, a holiday observed almost everywhere except for at Staples.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- When I said I wanted to be mysterious and fascinating, I didn't mean medically.
- I run a tight shipwreck.
- Vaping is weird. You walk past a bunch of guys that look like gangsters, but smell like blueberry muffins.
- Being the only one who can prevent forest fires really stresses me out.
- DOCTOR: How often do you exercise? ME: 3 times. DOCTOR: A week? A month? ME: I've given my answer.
- Before drinking, eat liver so that the alcohol doesn't know which liver to attack.
- So, now I know that stress balls aren't supposed to be thrown at people when I'm stressed out.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- ME: Why am I so broke? AMAZON: Your parrot's wig has been delivered.
- I am often mistaken for an adult because of my age.
- Remember back when we waited until 9pm so we could talk to people with unlimited minutes? Now, we all have unlimited minutes and don't want to talk to anyone.
- ME: How do I unsubscribe so I don't get your emails anymore? BOSS: What?
- I'm at the age where I know more medications mentioned on The Pitt than I do musical guests on SNL
- My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while I was standing on the scale and said, "That's not going to help." I replied, "Yes it does. Now I can see the numbers!"
- I need a leaf blower, but for people!
- I just found out that 'smh' stands for "shaking my head" and not "sex would help." I feel like I need to revisit some of the comments I've made.
- The umbrella was originally going to be called the 'brella', but the inventor hesitated.
- Getting gas this morning, I noticed the guy at pump 3 was getting $10 worth of gas. Where was he going? To pump 4?
- I asked my friend why he called his wife 12? He said she dozen cook, she dozen clean, heck she dozen do anything.
- Gordon Ramsey once said, "Where there is fat, there is flavor." I now identify as 'Flavorful'.
- As a child, I was told I could be anyone I wanted to be. Apparently, that's called 'identify theft'.
- Sometimes I surprise myself with the smart things I say and do. Then, there are other times when I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on.
- I can't afford a vacation this year, so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am.
- My favorite exercise these days is successfully standing back up.
- You know, Thing, from the Addams Family? Before he was an actor, he was a stagehand.
- I read that, as a woman, we should be whispering WTF to ourselves daily. OK, for starters, I didn't know we were supposed to be whispering.
- Why are they called 'ex-fiancees' and not 'near Mrs.'?
- I just checked my Farmville for the first time in 10 years. Squatters have built a meth lab in the barn.
- If your coffee order has more than 12 words, you're not thirsty, you're casting a spell.
- While my wife was in labor, I tried to distract her by telling jokes. She didn't laugh. It must have been the delivery.
- "Mr. Owl Ate My Metal Worm" backwards is still "Mr. Owl Ate My Metal Worm."
- Sleep is just time travel to breakfast.
- The bad news: I accidentally took the wrong medicine this morning. The good news: I'm now protected from heartworms and fleas for the next three months.
- To do list: 1) Drink coffee 2) Avoid slapping stupid people 3) Repeat steps 1 and 2.
- Finding the one specific lid that perfectly matches your plastic storage container is the only real victory left in modern adulthood.
- Me: Whisky! Bartender: On the rocks? Me: Buddy, it's been a long day and I'm not in the mood.
- Say what you want about the south, but no one retires and moves to the north.
- They said, "Be honest." Now, everyone's crying and I have to apologize.
- I am not saying I hate leaving the house, but I definitely calculate exactly how soon I can come back before I even open the front door.
- The boss told me that, as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office. I'm already at season 6 and I still don't know what this has to do with security.
- I buy stacks of new books just to arrange them on my nightstand and fall asleep scrolling on my phone instead.
- The world is a magical place, filled with people waiting to be offended by something.
- The most terrifying part of adulthood is realizing that everyone else is also just entirely guessing what they are doing.
- I put on jeans today, so I expect a trophy or at least a handwritten note of profound appreciation.
- I am at an age where my favorite brand of clothing is whatever is currently already in my closet.
- Keeping the original cardboard box for a small appliance I bought five years ago is a foundational pillar of my mental health.
- I put a load of laundry in the wash, moved it to the dryer three days later, and plan to fold it sometime next month.
TOP FIVE THINGS I WANT TO TRY AND GET IN BEFORE MAY IS OVER
- Start complaining that June is going by way too fast
- Get that summer body (in just two days!)
- Celebrate a fake holiday-Happy Earwax Day!
- Say "May the 4th be with you" just one more time
- Take down the Christmas lights (although, it's almost time to put 'em back up again)
TOP FIVE MOST COMMON THINGS SAID AFTER PEOPLE TURN 50
- "Help me find my readers and we'll look for my keys and phone!"
- "Have you seen my car keys?"
- "How'd I get that bruise?"
- "Have you seen my phone?"
- "This scale is broken!"
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU COULD CELEBRATE NATIONAL SENIOR FITNESS DAY
- Organize a game of "Walker Soccer"
- Pick up that ice cube you dropped on the floor in less than five minutes
- Play a game of balloon volleyball
- Nerf weightlifting
- Racing with turtles
Laugh a little, would ya?
