Black smoke indicates that Iran's Assembly of Experts has elected a new Supreme Leader. Oh, wait. That's just an oil refinery on fire. But they did elect a new leader.
Man, the way people have been treating Kristi Noem since last week. I mean, that's no way to even treat a....oh. Never mind....
Oil has cracked through the $100-a-barrel mark. Trying to put a positive spin on it, the president is now selling MAWA hats. Make America Walk Again.
According to a new study, the difficult people in your life help you age faster. Great! That's all I've got!
His name is Prathab Muniandy, he lives in Malaysia, and he's in the record books because he has 42 teeth, 10 more than the average person. Needless to say, his biggest fan: his dentist.
After six seasons, the Miami Dolphins have released Tua Tagovailoa. (you probably knew that already-I just wanted to make you say his last name)
Look. You know it's an hour earlier. I know it's an hour earlier. But I guess we'll roll with it.
It was set your clock ahead weekend. I moved mine to the front of the dresser.
Only 4% of people have never heard of Netflix. These are the same people that say, "What? I missed the Olympics?"
Fewer than half of Americans can do ten pushups. Ha! I've been doing them for years! In fact, I'm scheduled to do my tenth in July.
Harry Potter fans will be interested to hear that Emma Watson has found love with a guy named Gonzalo Hevia Bailleres. Don't know much about him, other than he's a billionaire. Monius alotovit.
President Trump removed Kristi Noem as head of Homeland Security and named her special envoy for the Shield of the Americas, whatever that means. He should have just made her Secretary of Domestic Affairs.
They had a 2.3 earthquake yesterday at Sleep Hollow, New York. Fortunately, everyone kept their heads.
I'm waiting for the breaking news that Timothee Chalamet was attacked by a ballerina singing a song from an opera.
Scientists say the higher your IQ, the more you dream. OK, now I'm concerned...
41% of people have a one-cup coffee machine. These are obviously people who don't share my level of addiction.
The happiest city in America, according to Wallethub is Fremont, California. When asked why they were so damn happy, most responded with, "That they're not living in Detroit." (or pick your favorite local city to diss)
Remember our policy about meetings: If you're here, you volunteer.
Why would I watch a TV series on JFK, Jr. when I wasn't really paying attention to him when he was actually around?
Mail carriers are attacked by dogs almost 6,000 times a year. Another reason we should stop making meat-flavored stamps.
Did you know that Sam's Club is the leading American retailer of wine? I wonder how many boxes a year they sell?
The new Supreme Leader of Iran was apparently injured in the attack that killed his father. Or, in military terms, "It was almost a two-fer!"
Iran has dropped out of the World Cup this summer. They didn't say why.
North Korea has released photos of their leader, Kim Jung Un and his daughter, firing guns together at a shooting range. Must have been Daddy/Daughter Day.
It's Friday the 13th, like the world could get any unluckier.
First one to say, "How could it possibly get any worse?" will be asked to leave.
50% of parents have lied and told their kids the Wi-Fi/internet is broken. We're saving the adopted thing for later.
The top 3 most hated foods in America are tofu, liver and anchovies. That explains why my liver and anchovy flavored tofu didn't sell.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- I got an "FU" appointment from the V.A. yesterday. I called to see what that was all about and the nurse told me, "Follow Up." Oh.
- A day may come when I get enough sleep and don't need coffee, but today is not that day.
- No one has more things they have to do than a kid told that it's bedtime.
- Once I have to repeat myself three times, my vocabulary upgrades to the explicit type for better clarity.
- Apparently, I have an attitude. I prefer to call it a personality with seasoning.
- DOCTOR: You need to start eating better and exercise. ME: So, it's terminal?
- Glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes.
- One minute you're young and cool and maybe even a little dangerous and the next thing you know, you're reading bird seed reviews on Amazon.
- At this stage of life, I'm just trying to stay in shape-ish, keep the house semi-clean and remember why I walked into this room.
- The best lie I ever heard: Eat all your food and you'll grow up to be big and strong. Look at what happened: just big!
- Apparently, if you fart and sneeze at the same time, your body takes a screen shot.
- Do people who run marathons know they don't have to?
- We should cancel April Fool's Day this year. No prank could top our reality.
- I'm at that weird stage of life where old people think I'm young and young people think I'm old.
- If my name was Jeff, I would use words like "Jeffinately" or say things like, "I just Jeffed up."
- I love board games. Especially the one where you arrange meat and cheese and crackers and grapes and then eat it. I'm so good at that one.
- I'm not great at the advice thing. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment.
- Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in the backyard.
- Just saw three people jogging by the house. It inspired to get up off my butt and go over and close the blinds.
- They say that drinking can cause memory loss. Or even worse, memory loss!
- Pretty soon, Taco Bell will become the only place we can get gas for under $4.
- The older I get, the less surprised I'll be when a random body part just falls off.
- Your trusted expert for over 35 minutes.
- I gave the rest of my pastry to two pigeons. I smiled when I realized that I had filled two birds with one scone.
- This week started with changing the clocks, then there was a full moon and then we'll wrap things up with a Friday the 13th. Good luck!
- Engineers have developed a car that runs on oregano. Next, they're hoping to come up with buses and trains that run on thyme.
- I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away a lot more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
- My wallet is like an onion: when I open it, it makes me cry.
- I threw a boomerang once years ago. I live in constant fear.
- Whenever I feel alone, I remember I'm a valued customer at several grocery stores.
- Humans are 75% water - basically cucumbers with anxiety.
- I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
- It may be called social media, but all I do is post photos and ignore people.
- I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14 day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
- Dating: Can't wait to hold you all night. Marriage: Your knee and your hand were on my side of the bed again last night.
- I'm not yelling. This is my 'I've asked you three times already' voice.
- I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where it can stay and think about what it's done.
- I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
- I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
- I'm reading a book on anti gravity. It's impossible to put down.
- I hate when I'm waiting for someone to text me back... and then I realize never hit send.
- My kids asked what's for dinner. I said 'disappointment.' They said, 'Again?
- We were doing home renovations and incredibly, when we knocked down a wall, we found a secret, fully furnished room!! Then I remembered "Oh, yeah. We live in a duplex..."
- If you see me talking to myself, don't interrupt. I'm having a staff meeting.
TOP FIVE MOST UNLUCKY THINGS TO DO ON THIS FRIDAY THE 13TH
- Accept a new position with the phrase "Supreme Leader" in the title
- Being reincarnated as Kristi Noem's dog
- Go swimming in the Strait of Hormuz dressed up like an oil tanker
- Walk under a ladder that's on a moving fire truck
- Open a "Raccoons Only" liquor store
TOP FIVE DIFFERENCES AT HOMELAND SECURITY NOW THAT A FORMER MMA FIGHTER IS IN CHARGE
- Those annoying pre-meeting weigh-ins
- The dreaded Cage Fight Meetings
- Security threat levels are now, "Featherweight", "Welterweight" and "Heavyweight"
- Whatever you do, don't accept an invitation to a "Ground and Pound" meeting
- "Body Slam Thursdays"
TOP FIVE RACE HORSES YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BET ON
- Didn't Hear The Bell
- Tardy to the Party
- Sorry I'm Late
- Molasses
- Slowpoke
TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT WILL TELL US THE IRAN WAR IS NOT GOING WELL
- $200 a gallon gas
- The president says, "Don't worry....but also, don't relax."
- The 4-year anniversary of the announcement, "The war is almost over."
- A spy returns and the first words out of his mouth are, "Oh-oh..."
- The government uses the Epstein files to distract from the war.
TOP FIVE OTHER NAMES CONSIDERED FOR OPERATION: EPIC FURY
- Operation: Bomb, Bomb, Bomb. Bomb, Bomb Iran.
- Operation: I'd Like Two Supremes To Go
- Operation: This'll Straighten Your Hormuz
- Operation: Tehran Burgandy
- Operation: Epstein, Schmepstein
Laugh a little, would ya?
