Around 27% of single men say they won't date a woman who has a twin. Me? I'm intrigued with the idea of having a spare.
45% of women put on their make-up during their drive to work. And, not to be cruel, but we all know who you are.
Elon Musk announced that Tesla is going to be "winding down" production of their Cybertrucks. In Texas, voters announced they've begun winding down Elon Musk.
It's going to be sad to think that in the near future, those Cybertrucks will soon disappear from... oh, who are we kidding? They're UGLY!
I always assumed they were designed for an engineer who, as a child, never won a Pinewood Derby.
How long do you leave your carved pumpkins out on the porch? A few days? A week? Until the mold begins climbing out and you have to shovel it up?
Ironically, after the last election, Republicans are stuck with paying a big, beautiful bill.
President Trump fired Susie Wiles on Friday and named Stephen Miller as new chief of staff. I'm pretty sure that's the guy who sang "Rock 'n Me, baby" and "Fly Like An Eagle."
The reason it's taking Mississippi so long to count all those votes is because of how they're counting them. "One Mississippi, two Mississippi,..."
President Trump supposedly offered his press secretary job to UFC president Dana White over the weekend, but insists it was all just a joke. Comedy is hard.
I would find it beyond ironic if President Trump decided to fire Pete Hegseth and they live-streamed it.
Almost 15% of people think peanut butter should be kept in the fridge. You can spot these people by their very strong wrists.
Phone calls are 50% shorter than they were ten years ago. Wait-so you're saying people are still answering the phone on their texting devices?
Got a weird fortune cookie the other day. It said, "He who cheats on wife with Chinese spy can expect to split $154 billion fortune with soon-to-be ex." I think I got someone else's cookie.
Remember, the perfect Thanksgiving dinner host times it out so that dinner is at halftime. Your choice of games.
Here's something new: Ocean Spray Chocolate Covered Cranberry Sauce bites! For those times when excessive amounts of added sugar just isn't enough.
Nvidia's Jensen Huang says that he had no idea the woman he was having an affair with was a spy. Doesn't that mean she was just really good at her job? Or, I guess, jobs?
Among the commemorative stamps coming out from the U.S. Postal Service in 2027: stamps honoring Bigfoot and Mothman. Apparently, we must be getting close to the bottom of the idea barrel.
What do people look forward to most in fall and winter? 11% of said scented candles. On behalf of chili eaters everywhere, thank you.
Patrick Mahomes and his wife, Brittany, have announced they're expecting their fourth child together. Sacked again!
A new study shows that grateful people are healthier than those who don't express their gratitude. And may I just say how thankful I am for that study!
You know, they say that the first Thanksgiving back in 1621 lasted three days. To be honest, I don't know that I'd enjoy watching that much football.
Nvidia's CEO and president Jensen Huang resigned yesterday. After his alleged affair with a Chinese, the company felt it was best to let the chips fall where they may.
There's probably a lesson on morality there. Always be very selective about the people you're having affairs with.
I can't be the only one who noticed that Nvidia rhymes with chlamydia. Or, maybe I am.
FROM FACEBOOK:
- Damnesia: The inability to remember where the hell you put that damn thing.
- The boss said I could do the job without supervision. Which is good because my vision is getting blurry as I get older.
- The doctor told me I couldn't have children after my vasectomy but they lied. When I got home, they were still there.
- I'm starting to think that "Delete and Report Spam" is just Apple's version of "thoughts and prayers."
- The phrase "silly goose" is outdated and offensive to myself and other goose attack survivors.
- "We're like family here" isn't the selling point employers think it is. I've met my family.
- I'm not sure if I'm finally at peace or I just don't care anymore. Either way, I like it.
- They're gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven't forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.
- November doesn't have afternoons. It's just morning until 2pm, then night.
- Mushrooms can be delicious, hallucinogenic or poisonous. That's a pretty wide outcome to leave up to a guy at the farmer's market named Doug.
- I hate when people ask me if I'm ready for Christmas. I'm not even ready for today!
- Why is giving birth called delivery and not 'take out'?
- I don't always do the wrong thing, but when I do, it's the wrongiest of all the wrongs that ever wronged.
- I'm writing a book about beer. I'm on my 4th draft.
- One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must walk through a spider web.
- I don't know what your goal weight is, but mine is somewhere around being able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
- I don't date anymore. I just foster men until they find their forever home.
- At least all of my clocks are right again. It took like six months.
- I spent 7 years in college so I'd like to think I know a little about not making my bed.
- One day, you will find someone that will be obsessed with you. It probably be a demon, but that's what it is.
- Officially 30 days sober. Well, not in a row. Since 2002.
- Dear Black Friday, we all have big TV's now. Put groceries on sale.
- Apparently, they hired the Count from 'Sesame Street' to count the ballots in Mississippi.
- The person who named the "Fireplace" was just tired of naming things.
- Thanksgiving tip: At your family gathering, never eat food offered to you by a toddler because it's actually the flu.
- My weekend plans are very exclusive. Even I may not attend.
- Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
- Not to be crude, but has anyone put testicles in the mammogram machine to see how fast the technology advances?
- When I was your age, I had to walk 10-feet through a shag carpet to change the channels.
- It's "We're not buying that today but put it on your Christmas list" season.
- This year I'm taking part in NO-vember (pronounced "november") where I will be saying no to everything, go away.
- Weird how you need a permit to build a shed but anyone can have a baby.
- Charcuterie boards have led me to believe that it's OK to eat my weight in cheese in one setting, as long as I also eat a couple of grapes.
- Why is asking a tall person to reach something up high okay, but asking a short person to pick something up off the floor isn't?
- The older I get, the harder it is to keep my inside thoughts from becoming outside facial expressions.
- The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
- I took a long, hard look at myself this morning. I won't be doing that again.
- Having plans sounds like a good idea until you put on clothes and leave the house.
- According to my mirror and the doctor's scale, I am pregnant. The father is salted caramel chocolate chip ice cream.
- Every time you get dressed, remember: If you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
- Getting older means your arm has to be in just the right position when you go to bed if you want to be able to use it the next day.
- That moment when you think you're done arguing, but then he mumbles something from the other room.
- "Would the 15-year-old you be proud of who are today?" Bro, the 15-year-old me would be surprised I'm still alive.
- I don't snore. I purr with the force of a thousand kittens!
- Be as important as the 'g' in Angus Beef.
- Not being rich is starting to be totally unacceptable to me.
- The good news is that I have a photographic memory. The bad news: I left the lens cover on.
- It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who is trying so hard to be helpful but is, in fact, quite drunk.
- I gained a little weight lately. In my defense, I had a lot on my plate.
- Thinking about moving my couch closer to the front door so I can shave a solid 6 seconds before lying down when I get home.
- Happy low tire pressure indicator light season to all who celebrate.
- My eyes are definitely getting worse. I've had to buy large print alphabet soup.
- Overheard: The reflecting pool is the only thing that didn't turn blue this year.
- Pro Tip: If you get called for jury duty, keep asking the judge when the immunity challenge starts.
- I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about how long it takes for a giraffe to throw up.
- Between my oven light being burned out and daylight savings ending, I just wear a headlamp now.
- Is it asking too much of the people who make avocados to put a different prize in them? I've got like 20 little wooden balls now.
- Chances are, at least two of my three wishes will be coffee related.
TOP FIVE REJECTED NAMES FOR SHERWIN-WILLIAMS PAINTS
- Marjorie Taylor Green
- Macy Gray
- Jack Black
- Vanna White
- James Brown
TOP FIVE WORST THANKSGIVING MOVIES ON THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
- Meet Me In The Corn Maze
- Harvesting Harry
- The Premature Mistletoe
- Stiffing My Heart
- The Pumpkin Spice Romance
TOP FIVE ALTERNATIVE ENDINGS TO THE WIZARD OF OZ
- Scarecrow doesn't get brain. Is elected to congress.
- Dorothy teaches her dog to do the ballet and designs the first-ever Toto Tutu.
- Tin Man discovers he shouldn't have rusted since tin doesn't rust.
- Flying monkey injured crashing into flying Tesla
- Wicked Witch outfoxes Dorothy by wearing a wetsuit
Laugh a little, would ya?
