A Chevron executive has suggested that Americans facing high gas prices should drive less. That's like the CEO of McDonald's saying you should only Super-Size every other meal.
Dr. Oz said that President Trump believes that diet soda actually kills cancer cells. Can Cherry anti-cancer be far behind?
Thoughts and prayers to any member of congress who had to sit through Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s testimony yesterday.
The last time a movie was released on VHS was in 2006. And you're not getting it back. You hear that, Blockbuster?
The average person spends 34 minutes a day on Monday doing complaining and 22 minutes every other day of the week. You hear that, you Tuesday through Friday slackers?
I started a new tradition this Easter. I hid all my eggs in a safe place where no one would find them. Including me.
He's a concept-let's work weekends and take Monday through Friday off. Starting today. If you don't ask....
Because the pope is a big Chicago White Sox fans, they're going to give away pope-style White Sox hats on August 11th. I'm just picturing a whole stadium of people who can't watch the game because they can't see over the guy in front of them.
The average woman will own 111 purses in her lifetime. And in each of those purses, whatever she is looking for will be buried at the bottom.
$717 a year is what the average dog costs its owner. $35 a year is what it costs to own fish. This is why I only have pet fruit flies.
55% of Americans say they keep a roll of toilet paper in their car. I usually like to follow statistics like that with, "Why?" but I think I'll pass on that one.
TIme to rise and shine and enjoy another episode of, "Where's today's new pain going to be?"
Rory McIlroy won his second consecutive Masters, the first to do so since Tiger Woods. And he's a much better driver.
Interesting how President Trump has launched a war with Iran but was never in the military and a war against the pope, even though he was never an altar boy.
An image depicting President Trump as Jesus has been deleted from his Truth Social account. Either by the president or divine intervention.
Due to a terrible mix up at the White House, the U.S. has begun a blockade against Old Navy.
The average American describes their ideal or "perfect" salary as $74,000 per year. Well, yeah, for the first job....
Over half the people who have a sunroof in their vehicle say they almost never use it. I will tell you, I almost always have it open when I head into the car wash.
Yeah, Britney Spears agreed to go into rehab this week. She said she'd go willingly with only one stipulation-Tiger Woods couldn't drive.
Whoever thought that President Trump and Pope Leo would become the next Hall and Oates?
I fondly remember the days when we were constantly looking for under $4 eggs, instead of $4 gas.
The new Starbucks Summer Menu is coming out next month. I can't wait to order the "$2 more than paid for it last year with extra foam, please."
The tallest sandcastle ever built was constructed in Denmark and over 70-feet high. Coincidentally, it was kicked over by the meanest bully in Denmark.
The ideal time for a nap is eight hours after you wake up in the morning. Right in the middle of the workday. Sometimes, life's just not fair....
Wednesday was the federal Income Tax deadline. You had until midnight to get your taxes postmarked or to receive that updated passport.
NFL reporter Dianna Russini resigned after photos of her on vacation with New England Patriots coach Mike Vrabel surfaced. The fact that both are married put her in an usual position, but not as unusual as the position the coach put her in. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter....
Quick summary of the war: we're blocking their blockade but they're threatening to blockade our blockade until we stop blocking them blocking us from...oh, whatever.
A study says swearing at work can fight off stress. It can also fight off employment.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. Wondering if that includes a band of idiots?
Just in case you need one, some possible WIFI names:
- I believe WI can FI
- Mom Click Here For Internet
- No More Mr WIFI
- Tell My WIFI I Love Her
- Pretty Fly For A WIFI
- Bill WI the Science FI
- WIFIght the Feeling
FROM FACEBOOK:
- I swear my body just randomly adds pain like it's updating an app.
- My winter fat is gone. Now, I have spring rolls.
- A friend suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries. It was awful! I'm going back to whipped cream.
- Due to personal reasons, I'm still going to be fat this summer.
- My "Save for later" cart on Amazon is up to around $1.3-million.
- When I was a kid, there were two ways to die: natural causes and talking back to my parents.
- I wanted to study psychology, but I think I have more potential as a patient.
- I'm not having one glass of wine. I'm having six. It's called "a tasting" and it's classy.
- INTERVIEWER: Would you say you're a hard worker? ME: Absolutely. I make everything harder than it needs to be.
- They should make a kitchen floor that self-vacuums. Like an air hockey table, but in reverse.
- Sorry, I just read your text from last week. Are you guys still at the bar?
- I asked Alexa why I don't do well with women. She replied, "Uh, my name is Siri."
- A reminder that March is Procrastination Awareness Month.
- I don't know about you, but I don't have any passwords left in me.
- I'm on my third cup of coffee for the day, so things should start happening any minute now.
- I'm proud to say I don't have any unhealthy snacks in my home. That's because I just finished eating all of them.
- I keep hearing that it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up? Or is there a number I call?
- I can't be the only person who turns down the music to see if that siren is in the song or behind me.
- Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a pair of Crocs.
- Making new friends as an adult is hard because I don't want them.
- Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.
- Whoever came up with the word 'dentures' missed the opportunity to call them 'substitooths'.
- A pastor asks three men sitting in the front row, "What would you want family members to say as they look down on your in your casket?" TOM: "He was a good family man." BRAD: "He lived a good life!" TIM: "Look, he's moving!"
- In a relationship with one of you who doesn't know it yet.
- Racecar backwards is still racecar. But racecar upside down is expensive.
- Always late but worth the wait.
- Our local bridge was closed today. I can't get over it.
- I helped my friend move into a new house. He gave me two aquariums. All that work and these are the tanks I get.
- When you look up a restaurant's menu before you go, that's called "foreplate."
- I went my whole life absolutely certain I'd never get a phone call from a vegetable. Then one day-Onion rings!
- Stop hating Mondays. Be a professional and hate the entire week!
- A guy takes his daughter on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." He says, "Do you have any questions so far?" She replies, "Yeah. Where are all the clowns you said you work with?"
- I came home from work and my dog peed a little because he was so excited to see me. None of my friends do that.
- You never look drunker than when you knock over a glass and you're trying to explain it's not due to how much your drank.
- Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor 7.3 seconds.
- The best way to save money is to go into your home and lay down.
- The recommended serving size for chips is 10 chips. Look, I eat 10 chips while I'm deciding if I'm going to eat chips.
- I'm financially at a stage where I understand why people commit fraud.
- Turbo Tax is the worst computer game ever.
- I've made some bad choices in life but I've never bought a pair of crocs.
- Oh Lord, please stretch my gas like you did the two fish and five loaves of bread. Amen.
- Dear Food Truck owners: Please drive down the street like the ice cream trucks do.
- Being single is cool until around 10:37pm.
- They should make Flintstones-shaped Tums for us now.
- DOCTOR: I have your test results. ME: Did I pass? Ha-ha-ha! DOCTOR: No, but you will soon. Ha-ha-ha. ME: Ha-ha-ha....uh, wait.
- Some days, I wish I could just stop working and retire. And by some days, mean every day.
- Apparently, it takes four hours of sleep for every hour you miss. So, according to my calculations, I should be back to myself again by 2891.
- China says that if Trump blocks the Strait of Hormuz they will stop making MAGA hats.
- Apparently, the dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did not want to play Leapfrog. My bad.
MY TOP FIVE LEAST FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT SPRING
- Watching the birds and bees getting more action than I do
- Seeing mosquitos finalizing their attack plans for the summer
- Seeing the terrified looks on the plants I buy. They know how this is all going to turn out.
- Realizing this will be 32nd year in a row I won't have a summer body
- Having to sabotage the lawn mower without getting caught
TOP FIVE THINGS YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ON AN ELEVATOR
- "You know, I'll bet no one has gotten stuck on one of these in a long time."
- "Boy, the acoustics in here are perfect for yodeling!"
- "That cable sounds looser than normal."
- "Does this look infected?"
- "Yeah, I had the six-bean fire chili for lunch!"
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU'RE ON A REALLY BAD DATE
- Asks if you'd like to split the bill and her car payment
- Starts commenting on how tired she is at 5:30pm
- She texts the word, "Rescue" to all of her friends
- You suggest a restaurant and she says, "No, there might be cops there."
- When say, "Oh, please don't leave", she pulls a gun
Laugh a little, would ya?
