Wow, Labor Day was just a week ago. I could have used another one this week.
They call it Octoberfest, but in Germany, the celebration actually starts this Saturday and only runs through the first Sunday in October. They then spend the rest of the month recovering.
Of all the promises we heard about lower prices coming, at the least the price of eggs has come down. It makes it more affordable than ever to be able to throw them.
A survey found that, on average, you get interrupted 17 times per week at work. I can't wait to tell Bob that in the middle of one of his long talks.
68% of moms get stressed watching the kids play sports. I would say, you know those 32% that aren't stressed out? Let's take a look at what's inside that so-called water bottle.
"Reacher" star Alan Ritchson announced that he and his wife Catherine have decided to end their marriage after 20 years. That's too bad. You know, I could have a body just like Alan's but I can't.
Lady Gaga and her fiance Michael Polansky have welcomed their first child together. To me, the biggest question is "What will be baby's first word: mama, dada, or gaga?"
Scientists say that the T-Rex had a body temperature very similar to humans. And even though they were bigger than us with razor-sharp teeth, they couldn't reach that jar on the upper shelf like we can.
The average person will spend 5 months of their life complaining. Seems light.
A researcher in the Netherlands has found an incredibly rare fragment of the "Odyssey" that is over 1,700 years old sandwiched between the pages of a library book. As far as archeological news goes, that's a Homer!
OpenAI has said there were six reports of "unexpected or concerning" behavior in A.I. models. One of the most disturbing revelations: one of the A.I. models actually enjoyed "The Mandalorian and Grogu."
A whistleblower is saying that there is a 10% chance that A.I. could wipe out humanity within the next years. But even worse, less than a 5% chance the Seattle Mariners could ever make it to a World Series.
Just to brace you for what the future will bring, 30 years from now, you'll probably be going to a K-Pop Demon Hunters tribute show.
President Trump says that artificial intelligence isn't really a threat. I mean, regular intelligence apparently hasn't been a threat, so why would the artificial variety be dangerous?
I have a question about this whole work/life balance thing: what's a life?
I went to hot yoga the other day. Not a single hot person in the room. False advertising!
They say that OpenAI agents broke out of their isolated environment and infiltrated the AI platform Hugging Face. I don't know if I'm bothered more by rogue A.I. agents or the fact there was a platform named Huggy Face.
You know, all this talk about "creating guardrails" and "kill switches" is starting to really tick off our cyber overlords.
I don't need to have a lot of money and be rich. I just need my own personal Russian Oligarch to pay for everything.
A.I. developers are calling for everything to slow down, so from now on....(pre-recorded voice, slowed down) We're going to talk like this.
Stalk Tim on Linkedin, Threads, Instagram, TikTok and wherever finer social media posts are sold.
Bill Gates has pledged $1 billion to fight A.I. equity. Claude responded with just two words: Epstein files.
For the first time, the U.S. military confirmed that they actually have weapons stationed in space. They wouldn't say what kind of weapons, but would only say they were powerful and could strike with the Stealthness of a DOGE check.
So far, the weapons have only been tested on the White House East Wing, the Lincoln reflecting pool and the Kennedy Center.
Experts say you should replace the shower curtain in your home every year. Let me know where to send the experts that invoice.
A recent study says that if you can't stand your neighbor, you are more likely to have a heart attack. Huh. Well, that explains what's been happening with all my neighbors.
From Facebook:
- Today I started a 28-day no swearing challenge which I will restart tomorrow.
- Due to financial reasons, I'm going to start posting adult content. So, stay tuned for my posts about Heartburn and Back Pain.
- Dear Life, when I said, "Can it get any worse?", it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
- Friend: What's wrong with you? Me: Well, there's a list but I don't think it's complete yet.
- Unfortunately, I don't think before I speak, so I'm as shocked as you are!
- Your $5,000 Trump Check will be attached to your $2,000 Tariff Check and they'll arrive two weeks after your DOGE Check.
- You people who say that you don't have time for my B.S., manage your life better. Get up an hour earlier.
- The quest for world peace begins with everyone using their blinker.
- Maybe its so hot because you kept asking A.I. what you looked like in the 80s.
- I still miss the part of 2020 where it was illegal for anyone to get near me.
- The two things I learned today: 1) I'm not too old to sit in a bean bag chair. 2) I'm too old to get out of a bean bag chair.
- Is it safe yet to eat lettuce or should I stick with cake?
- If GenX stopped using Aqua Net to save the ozone layer, y'all can stop using A.I. to save humanity.
- Being in your 50s is weird. You're the youngest of the old people and the oldest of the young people. Basically, you're the middle child of aging.
- Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you'll start at 5pm.
- Remember in "The Terminator" when Sarah Conner was thrown in jail for trying to destroy data centers owned by Skynet?
- Friend: Say something to me hot in Spanish? Me: "Jalepeno."
- There should be a calorie refund for foods that don't taste as good as they should.
- If anyone wants to sponsor me, I'll be running a 0.002K this weekend to raise awareness for laziness.
- I just learned that a crow can hold a 17-year grudge against a person and have found my new spirit animal.
- The last time I was "somebody's type", I was donating blood.
- It's almost Candy Corn Season for you crayon-eating psychopaths.
- Sometimes, if you read a person's Facebook posts, you can tell they approximate time they switched from coffee to alcohol.
- My family confronted me and said I needed help with my drinking. So, I hired a bartender.
- Remember when "I'm telling!" was the scariest sentence in the world?
- I'm old enough to finally understand that I don't understand.
- I always forget to shake a new bottle of ketchup. So my fries get the Heinz pee every time.
- Nothing prepares you for using the tinted window of a parked car as a mirror....then having them roll their window down.
- Every refrigerator has plenty of room until you show up with a pizza box. Then, suddenly, you're playing Tetris with the condiments.
- Friend: How's life going? Me: I expect nothing and I'm still let down.
- Hear me out-helium karaoke.
- I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.
- I am both dumber and smarter than you think. Never estimate me.
- If I'm elected, everyone will be required to get a grocery cart driver's license.
- I've never met a medical receptionist who gave me the impression they wanted me to live.
- I hired a kid to paint my porch. When he came back to get paid, he said, "By the way, that was a BMW, not a Porsche."
- Just heard someone say, "True health is mental health." Great. I'm poor twice now.
- I'm pretty sure I was once the total package. However, shipping and handling damaged me, so now I'm in a scratch 'n dent bin and marked 'as is'.
- "Maybe I'll skip coffee today" is a thought I never had.
- No one warns you that getting older mostly means deciding what to make with either ground beef or ground chicken for the rest of your life.
- My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they're having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up that way.
- I don't fear aging. I fear small print and low toilet seats.
- I'm not clumsy. The floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
- I'm an overthinker until it comes to money. Then I don't think at all.
- When I was a kid, we didn't have fidget toys or squishies. We had to light up a Marlboro.
- I usually don't brag about taking expensive trips, but today, I went to the grocery store. Tomorrow, I'm visiting the gas station.
- Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.
- Yeah, I've tried shutting up. It's not for me.
- 9AM: Exhausted. NOON: Exhausted. 5PM: Exhausted. 12:47AM: If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why the hell did it fall off?
- Maturity is realizing that your sick days are for when you're sick of work.
- Thanks for being friends with me. Questionable life choice, but I appreciate it.
- Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor 7.3 seconds.
- Just because you can connect to your neighbor's Bluetooth speaker and play ghost noises doesn't mean you should.
- I never knew what my talent was, but it just could be drinking and making bad decisions with confidence.
- My mood has so many swings, it's now a park.
- If I say I'm on the way, call me and make sure I'm in the car, because I'm lying.
- I finally quit drinking for good. Now, I drink for evil.
- People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way at all.
- This morning's coffee brought to you by, "Here we go again!"
- I would just like to confirm, I do not care.
- I'm pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and I'll have the complete set!
- One day I was born. Then, pretty much everything bothered me. And that brings us up to date.
- ME: I deserve a treat. BANK ACCOUNT: For the love of God, please stop.
TOP FIVE THINGS ON YOUR GET-READY-FOR-FALL LIST
- Send out your "Happy Sweatpants Season" cards.
- Try to convince a neighbor that you've already put up your Christmas lights (when in fact, they never came down)
- Check your furnace filter to see if it's just as dusty as it was in the spring
- Start strategizing on how you're going to get your leaves to fall into your neighbors' yard again this year.
- Buy a pumpkin so it can start rotting on your front porch
TOP FIVE SIGNS FALL HAS ACTUALLY ARRIVED
- You just walked into a giant spider web and can't get out.
- Your social media feed is not 67% Pumpkin Spice
- You've bought the first bag of candy that you hope lasts until Halloween
- Weather app has started using the word 'crisp'.
- Kalshi now accepting bets on leaves falling
TOP FIVE BENEFITS OF BEING OVER 60
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way
- Things you buy now probably won't wear out
- Your number of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size
- People call at 8pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- In a hostage situation, you're most likely to be released first
TOP FIVE THINGS SQUIRRELS ARE PROBABLY THINKING RIGHT NOW
- I wish they'd refill the damn bird feeder.
- Hmmmm, where did I bury those nuts?
- Screw storing nuts. This year, I'm going to Miami!
- Don't make eye contact with the human. Don't make eye contact with the human...
- Someday, I hope I get to meet Rocky.
TOP FIVE WAYS YOU CAN TELL GAS HAS GOTTEN WAY TOO EXPENSIVE
- New promotion: a free Rolex with every tank of gas!
- Price posted is in gold bars
- Your bank is now offering "Fill Up" loans
- You now take the family out for a Sunday afternoon push
- Gas stations have started offering valet fill-ups
Laugh a little, would ya?
