They say once you go WACK, you never go back

There is not a faster way for someone to get voted off on "Survivor" than me saying, "You know who's my favorite player?"

I never thought I'd do "Only Fans." I especially never thought I'd end up doing "Only Fans" for gas money.

7% of people have hidden a gift under their bed. Oh, my God! THAT'S where I hid last year's Christmas presents.

When researchers asked, "What is the number one rule in your house?", the number one answer was "no shoes on the furniture." That's why I only wear boots in our house.

In South Korea, a robot named Gabi took the vows and became a Buddhist monk. Yes, he's dedicated his life to a higher power-that's right: 220.

The Pentagon has released some never-before-seen UFO photos, proof of the possible existence of Epstein-terrestrials. I mean, extra-terrestrials.

"Hantavirus" sounds like something you'd catch during Halloween.

OpenAI has introduced three new AI models that can reason, translate, and transcribe as people speak. To the nail salons!

Oh-oh: Shake Shack shares dropped 28% last week after they reported an operating loss of $2.6 million. As much as they're charging and as much as we're eating, I don't get it.

Deja Flu: that feeling you've had this world-wide pandemic before.

A giraffe is able to clean its ears thanks to its 21-inch tongue. But, really...just because you CAN, would you?

This is that stage of the year when you add up what you spent for Mother's Day, divide it in half, and then you have your budget for Father's Day.

This Friday is the series finale of "Outlander", with the big question being -- will Jamie die? My wife is so concerned, she's taken out a life insurance policy on him.

I live in a world where I'm holding all the cards and we're playing checkers.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers sold their entire music catalog to the Warner Music Group for $300-million. We hear the deal almost didn't happen because of a Flea problem.

On average, we wake up grumpy 300 days a year. Seems low.

25% of us have never been inside our next-door neighbor's house. Well, at least while they're at home.

Syphilis cases in the U.S. have surged more than 80% since 2018. If Kelso from "That 70s Show" was here, I know what he'd be saying: "BURN!"

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics announced yesterday that inflation clocked in at 3.8% in April. I think it's so cute that the government feels the need to tell us that prices have been shooting up. Like, we haven't noticed.

Yeah, there are some that are concerned about President Trump meeting with China's President Xi. After all, Xi's a he.

Wow, Brandon Clarke of the Memphis Grizzlies died this week, as did former NBA player Jason Collins, not to mention Charlie Young, who was with the San Francisco 49ers. See, that's one of the big reasons why I chose not to be a professional athlete. Oh, there are lots of others, but that was the main reason.

I answer to no one. Oh, sorry, gotta go. No one is on the phone. Gotta answer.

The majority of an operating budget goes towards surgeries.

What's the difference between a Kash Bar and a Katel Bar?

President Trump landed in China and was greeted by lots of flag-waving children, who obviously don't follow U.S. news.

President Trump is having meetings with China's leader, Xi Jinping. He's hoping to be the Pong to his Ping.

For those not keeping track, the price of tomatoes has gone up 40% since this time last year. So now, if you're watching a bad show, it's more affordable to throw corn cobs at the stage.

FROM FACEBOOK:

• Every family has a weird relative. If you can't think of one, it's you!
• It's pathetic when people say that their life was ruined by a remake or a reboot. Mine was ruined like nature intended-by my parents!
• I stay up late every night, regret it every morning, and then do it again!
• Not only do I dance like nobody's watching, I also drink like nobody has to get up the next morning.
• When you think about it, the world started falling apart when we stopped putting prizes in cereal boxes.
• I have a date with my bed tonight. We're totally going to sleep together.
• Amazing to think that you still haven't met all the people you're going to massively disappoint.
• Don't text me when I'm in the middle of texting you. Now I have to change my text.
• My wife hates it when I hide kitchen utensils, but that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
• When I die, please cover my casket with my sticker collection that I bought but could never commit to applying on things.
• Not all Michael Jackson songs are good. One is literally Bad.
• Adulthood is like going to the vet. We're all excited about the car ride until we realize where we're going.
• The next time someone says, "It's too early for your BS", tell them to get up earlier.
• Friend: Can I have a word? Me: Idiosyncrasy. Friend: I meant a word with you. Me: Umbrella.
• I followed my heart... it led me to the fridge.
• Our WI-FI went down today for five minutes. I talked to my family. They seemed nice.
• I hate that I consider grocery shopping as "going out."
• Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
• I cleaned my room... just kidding, I made a path from my bed to the door.
• I don't need a personal trainer. I need someone who follows me around and yells 'DON'T EAT THAT.'
• My hobbies include overthinking and checking if people saw my message.
• I love how I go from 'I need to save money' to 'I deserve this' in 0.2 seconds.
• I really miss the days when my biggest problem was what cartoon to watch.
• Nothing says "I mean business" like using a grocery cart at a liquor store.
• Ever since I was a child, I knew that someday, I wanted to retire.
• If you're over 35, hire movers. Your friends are too old. Nobody wants to slip a disc for pizza and two Bud Lights.
• Have a daughter so you can argue with a sassier version of yourself before 9am every day.
• Feels good to have your life together. I wouldn't know, but I bet it feels good.
• The Institute of Unfinished Research has just concluded that 6 out of 10 people.
• "Crying but trying" is my new signature for work.
• Creamer is dessert. You're not a coffee person, you're a milkshake enthusiast with a caffeine problem.
• Eating tomato soup while wearing a white shirt. I like to live dangerously.
• No need to drive me crazy. I'm close enough to walk.
• My bank has informed me that I cannot use Facebook friends as references for a loan. You guys are useless.
• I wanted to do some panic buying today. I checked my bank balance and all I can do is panic.
• You know, on Sunday, I caught my wife doing laundry and stopped her immediately. I said, "Babe, it's Mother's Day. You don't do chores today. Go sit down and relax - these clothes will still be here tomorrow." I'm such a good husband.
• Standing in front of the fridge, trying to decide between being happy or being skinny.
• $5 is no longer gas money, unless you're only driving to the edge of the driveway.
• I threw a boomerang years ago... now I live in constant fear.
• My relationship status? Fully committed to Wi Fi!
• I'd lose weight, but I hate losing.
• Adulting is soup and I am a fork.
• I need a six month vacation... twice a year.
• My hobbies include eating and complaining about being full.
• I just burned 2,000 calories. Yeah, I forgot about my pizza in the oven.
• I started with nothing... and I still have most of it.
• Studies show that people who are late are generally happier than those waiting for them.
• It's so annoying when you want to break off a little square of chocolate and it snaps wrong, so you have to eat the other eight squares.
• If I say, "That's nice," there is a 98% chance I haven't listened to a single word you've said in ten minutes.
• "Never odd or even" spelled backwards is still "Never odd or even."
• Stop naming your babies James. Name him Jame. He is one Jame.
• In Britain, it's called a lift, but Americans call it an elevator. I guess we were just raised differently.
• I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn't like my attitude, and got caught drinking on the job.
• How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning? Medium rare.
• Don't let a good day distract you from the failure you've become.
• Stop talking on speaker phone in public, sincerely Everyone.
• If you identify a UFO, it becomes simply an FO, unless it lands. Then, it's just an O.
• Those little Russian dolls sure are full of themselves.
• I took the kids to the zoo last week. Going to stop by today to see how they settled in.
• Why do they call it 'golf'? Because all the other 4-letter words were taken.

TOP FIVE WORST QUESTIONS YOU COULD ASK A.I.

1. So, why are those lasers pointed at me?
2. What's the probability I'll ever clean my garage?
3. Be honest-should I quit my job and become a llama farmer?
4. Is a hot dog a sandwich, and if so, what does that mean for society?
5. What's the worst question I could ask you?

TOP FIVE PHRASES YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY IN YOUR COMMENCEMENT SPEECH

1. Remember: doing the bare minimum still works sometimes!
2. Fire!
3. Good luck paying off those student loans!
4. I'm sure glad I'm not you!
5. We're all doomed.

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU MAY BE OVERDOING IT ON THE TESTOSTERONE

1. Three of your friends have recently suffered "handshake injuries."
2. Checking your car for an oil leak, you lift it up and look.
3. When you flex, there goes another shirt!
4. You challenge automatic doors when they don't open fast enough
5. You're able to crush bowling balls

TOP FIVE REASONS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BUY A BOAT

1. Your mechanical skills are summed up nicely in, "If it ain't broke, I'll break it!"
2. You know what B.O.A.T. stands for? "Bust Out Another Thousand!"
3. Backing in to launch a boat is NOT the best 3 out of 7 tries.
4. Your great-great-grandfather was captain of the Titanic.
5. You got seasick watching "Aquaman".

Laugh a little, would ya?